Nothing Gold Can Stay

Despite loving poetry and writing my own back in the day, this is the only poem I have ever been able to recite from memory. What I find amazing is that I haven't thought of this poem in ages. And I certainly wasn't thinking of it today or even when I decided to write this long overdue post. I sat down with thoughts swirling about what I had intended to write and how that may or may not relate to the tragic events of today. I sat down... and I immediately began to type this poem.

Then I went and found a picture to make it more aesthetically pleasing.

What's amazing is how the mind works, because this poem is perfect. I mean, truly perfect. Few things in life are. Few things in life can depict an emotion, especially emotions of sadness and heartache in a beautiful way. These words tie together thoughts I've been having recently with the senseless elementary school shooting in Connecticut today. They remind me there is beauty all around us, even when the world feels full of ugliness.

Lately, I've been looking at my kids and realizing how "grown" they have become. My 3&1/2 year old says things everyday that make me realize how much her little head truly comprehends and just how quickly babies become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids to teens and young adults and grown children having children of their own.... and all of a sudden I realize why everyone says "enjoy it now, they grow up so fast".

All mom's of babies and toddlers, especially if their little ones aren't good sleepers or are otherwise difficult, hear those words and shudder. On some days you wish you could knock out the person saying it to you without ending up in jail for it. The problem is, those words are so true. It's the truthfulness of those words that is scary for me right now. I feel like by the time I get these toddler years figured out the next phase of life will be here and I'll have missed out on those years that were driving me to the brink of insanity. It's hard not to just try to get through the day sometimes though. Sometimes it feels like that's all you can do.

Then I hear my daughter say something that makes me go, WOW, when did she learn that?! Or she tells me she's going to write an "R for Rylie" and I'm waiting to say "that's AWESOME" to the little scribble mark she makes and tells me that it's an R when I look down and see a circle with two lines out the bottom, like my first R's resembled on the papers in my childhood memories box. I excitedly praise her in amazement, while inside my heart sinks a bit as I realize once again, you can't go back. She will never be my baby that I rock or nurse before bed. Time will forever more forward. Children will always grow. And we really only have today, each day, to soak it all in. Nothing gold can stay.

As I've been "chatting" about all this with myself and working to remind myself to let each day sink in, to not simply get through it, but to live.... I came across a news post that says there's been a shooting at an elementary school. Immediately I remember my freshman year in college, holding a magazine, Time or People or one of those, and looking at the faces of the victims from Columbine. I remember my heart hurting as I read about those kids, who were my age. I remember reading about their hopes and dreams, what their lives were like, their college plans.... I remember how senseless it all was, the loss of life. I remember how everything changed in schools after that. How we said such a thing would never happen again. We were prepared to prevent such tragedy.

How little we learn. How soon we forget. Today isn't the first school shooting since that one that changed it all. I doubt it will be the last, no matter how much I pray it would be. Sick people will always find a way to do senseless things, to take innocent lives, which will alter the course of so many lives. When you think about just how many lives are impacted from events like today, the ripple effect from such a tragedy ultimately changes every last one of us. It makes parents look at their children and realize this can happen anywhere and every time you send your child off to school that could be the last time you hear them say, "Bye, I love you Mommy!". It makes many, parents or not, question our gun laws, which I will not do here. It makes everyone stop, even if just for a moment, and remember to tell the people they love that they love them.

Sometimes I think such senseless acts of violence occur, or even accidents that no one can predict or prevent, for this reason... to make us stop. To remind us to love. To remind us to live each day like it really is our last.  Because lets face it, you really and truly just never know if it is. If you're a regular reader here, you know I believe there is a reason for everything and I am always determined to find a reason for even the most horrific of events; a reason that leaves me with hope for humanity rather than resentment or hate. While deep down I do believe awful things happen to remind us of what life is really all about and to see the beauty, I'm not sure today is the day for me to seek my reason. Or more to accept what I already believe in my heart.

Today, my heart aches for the parents who can never hold their babies again, whether they were still a child or an adult. My heart aches for the children who will never hug their mom or dad again. For the wives, husbands, partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends.... for all those who lost someone they cherished and never in a million years thought that when they woke this morning, and perhaps yelled at their child to brush their teeth or put their shoes on because they were running late or were annoyed at their husband for not changing the toilet paper roll again... that today would be the day they never would see their loved one alive again. My heart simply hurts for these strangers today and I see no reason for them to have to endure such pain.

Today is one more reminder that my kids really are growing up much too fast for me, that time is this elusive concept I can't seem to wrap my head around these days....


And I just had to take a break from finishing because my 3 year old, you know, the one who is growing up much too fast, just decided to poop on the kitchen floor after she peed her pants because she couldn't tear herself away from the play dough to go to the bathroom. And just like that... the carpe diem moment is over. THOUGH, there was no yelling or freaking out.

This is a perfect reminder of the other side of today.... we will press forward. Those families hurting will hurt....badly. Unbearably so. I can't fathom the pain. It takes my breath away to even try. But those of us watching the horror and holding our kids tight, we will press on. Tomorrow even. For me, five minutes ago as I cleaned up the poop from my floor. We will fail as parents and get up and try again. We will yell and we will be imperfect and we will forget that this moment could be our last. But in the back of my head I guess there's a part of me that always hears those words I memorized all those years ago.... nothing gold can stay.

I will miss this one day. The insanity of it all. I'll miss their innocence and their giggles and cuddles and the wonder in their eyes. I'll miss them needing me to kiss a boo boo or to tell them there are no monsters in the dark... even though I know there are far too many "monsters" in our world. I'll miss the crazy things they say and their singing and dancing and thinking peek-a-boo is the greatest game ever.

I may not miss the poop. Or the fighting. Or the painting with peanut butter while they eat. But at least I have those memories to laugh at someday. There are far too many parents today, and each day, who would love to make such memories again.

It's certainly something I've been thinking about lately. And today solidified that need to remember not to take any of these years for granted. I don't have to love each day, but I do need to remember I won't get that day back. I won't get that time back.

Many prayers to all those who have lost those they love today.

Maybe the Grinch is Jewish

So, a lot of my blogger friends are writing about Christmas or the holiday season. I've actually had this one in my head for a good week and need to get some stuff out of my head so I hope you'll bare with me as I'm not trying to jump on the bandwagon but more just can't find the time to sit down and write these days.

I've also debated writing this because it can be a sensitive topic for some and I've found that many simply don't get it. Many think it's no big deal and I should lighten up or just go with it but I truly dislike this time of year.  I mean, I really, really dislike this time of year. It's like a month of extra anxiety and annoyance and awkwardness that I would do anything to do without. Unfortunately, I can't afford to travel to Israel for a whole month, or nowadays, it's verging on closer to a two month extravaganza.

Let me preface my Grinch-like mindset with some positives. The sights, sounds and smells of this season are without a doubt warm and inviting. Well, minus the incessant Christmas music being played in every shopping mall and the annoying Salvation army bell ringing outside every store that drives me nutty. I grew up celebrating a secular Christmas with a tree, stockings, Santa... the whole nine yards. Sometimes I went to church with my dad or step dad's family. I even would partake in the traditional Christmas ham dinner! Before I stopped eating pork of course. I loved the lights and feel of Christmas and was the typical kid who would leave cookies out for Santa and try to listen for the patter of Rudolf's hooves on the roof Christmas Eve night.

We didn't start lighting the candles on the menorah until I was about 15 or 16 and really pushed the issue. The Chanukah prayer was the only prayer I knew until my later 20's actually, when I pursued learning about my heritage and more actively practicing my religious traditions on my own. It wasn't until then that I really got an uneasy feeling about this time of the year. It was then that I realized why I grew up celebrating Christmas... it was simply easier to be like everyone else than to be different or look different. Christmas is EVERYWHERE. You can't hide from it and you certainly can't shelter your non Christian child from it. Since my dad and step dad were both raised Catholic and no one practiced Judaism in my family after my grandma got sick, it was simply easier for my mom to "go with it". But now it feels disingenuous. It's not my holiday. I feel it's almost insensitive of me to celebrate it towards those who celebrate for it's religious significance.

Despite what my husband thinks during Jewish holidays, I'm far from a "perfect" Jew, whatever that might mean. I married a non Jew though he agreed to raise our kids Jewish. I rarely get to Temple anymore, I rarely light the Shabbat candles, I forget many of the prayers I learned and I sure can't read them in Hebrew as I've forgotten many of the letters. I do my best to teach my kids at home. We say the Shema every night, have been reading a story from my daughter's Children's Torah most nights since October, I make things like chicken schnitzel and latkes at Chanukah, we have have a Passover Seder and I fast for Yom Kippur, I don't eat leavened bread during Passover, etc. But super strict, not so much. Not as much as I would like to be anyway.

So, many probably look at my interfaith family and lack of a strict Jewish home and simply don't get why I refuse to put up a tree, hang pretty lights or teach my kids that Santa will climb down our chimney and bring them toys if they are a good girl and boy. Many don't get why it irks me beyond words can describe when people give me Christmas presents, especially wrapped in Chanukah paper. I mean, give me a freaking Chanukah gift or a Christmas gift, don't combine the two that have absolutely not a damn thing to do with each other! Now, if Chanukah falls during Christmas, that's different. No matter what I appreciate the thought, but in general, Christmakkah is idiotic. I despise the idea. For one, Chanukah isn't even a religious holiday. It's not considered an "important" holiday in fact, because it's not in the Torah. American Jews made it more "important" so our kids wouldn't feel so left out at Christmas leading them to resent being Jewish thus potentially making them more inclined not to practice and/or convert when they got older.

Two, they don't always occur simultaneously, like this year. I could go on, but the bottom line, the two holidays are seperate and should remain that way. Just my take. I don't judge those interfaith families that do it this way. Putting Chanukah ornaments on a Christmas tree just is not for me . Who knows, maybe the kids will beg me to do it one day and that will be my compromise. It'll probably still bother me but I'll do it and smile and take pictures just like I do every Christmas, because I love them.

I hate what Christmas has become. I feel bad for religious Christians that such a special holiday has turned into a circus. I can't just get on board because the smell of sugar cookies are so inviting and warm cinnamon and apples, whether from a candle to give you a cozy feeling, or actual cider make me smile and feel good inside. Of course I love the idea of the "season of giving". I'm a giver! I simply don't feel a season is necessary or even something that will ultimately better mankind. The season of giving needs to be year round, not because a religious holiday turned into a consumer wasteland of greed and wanting more and more. I mean, people freaking DIE being trampled for the hottest gift of the season! That's absurd! Outrageous and infuriating actually. I'm not Christian but I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't want that all in the name of celebrating him.

I'm sorry but I simply can't just get over that my kid will learn about the religious aspects of this holiday because people turned it into a secular holiday. No, I don't like when government buildings put up trees. I don't like it when they put up menorahs either, mainly because it feels fake. But also because there are so many religions that it's not possible to recognize each of them in such a way, but that's not the point. Lights on street lamps are pretty and making the cold, dark winter months light up and bring some warmth and joy is a wonderful thing. We all need to beat those winter blues! Santa's and reindeer on the lamp posts, that my tax dollars pay to put up I might add... yeah, that makes my blood pressure go up.

I get annoyed when people ask me if my kids are all ready for Christmas or ask them what Santa is bringing them this year. They just assume we celebrate and it's very awkward for everyone when I say we are Jewish or we don't celebrate Christmas. Yes, I must specify that we don't celebrate becuase just saying we are Jewish isn't always enough, people still will assume we celebrate Christmas at home or comment how a Jewish friend of theirs would put up a tree. I don't care what they did, we don't! It sucks trying to explain why my daughter is terrified of a big blow up Santa at gymnastics because she has no idea who the big fat man in a red suit is! The kids get Christmas stamps and stickers freely put on them as a reward or have to endure Christmas music if I am forced to take them with me to almost any store.

My heart beats more rapidly when someone says Merry Christmas to me. Yes, I admit it. It bothers me. It's like wishing me a happy birthday in June. My birthday is in November. It is a meaningless wish and only serves the person saying it and last I checked when you wish something good for someone the well wishes are meant for THAT person, not yourself. I have no problem wishing my Christian friends and family a Merry Christmas. I want them all to enjoy their holiday and be blessed with wonderful memories. Oh, and for the record, wishing me a Happy Chanukah at Christmas when Chanukah is over is ridiculous... and annoying. This year Chanukah will be over two weeks before Christmas so it will be even more annoying! Just saying.

These things may seem minor to someone who celebrates Christmas or even non Christians who have the "go with it" mentality but it's very difficult to unteach these lasting impressions from my little sponges. Heck, I can still belt out all the Christmas jingles if I had to. They can be fun to sing too. I'm not denying that. But again, it's not the point. Rylie told me the other day something about Jesus being born. I've been preparing myself because I know they are doing a Christmas service at school and the songs they are singing are religious, not Jingle Bells. She goes to a Presbyterian preschool because other than an all day, 5 day per week Montessori program it is the only preschool around that doesn't teach religion as part of their day to day. Tis the plight of the Jew in an area with few Jews. I had to choose to pull her out of school for the month or "go with it". I hate it, yes, I used the word hate. I hate it. It makes me want to cry. Homeschooling is not for me. I'd go crazy, really and truly crazy. So, it is what it is.

For me, it's a matter of how to make her be less resentful of being Jewish during this toy driven, Santa obsession, exciting time of year. I mean, lets face it, lighting a menorah and spinning a dreidel just doesn't compare to the flair of an Americanized Christmas with all the lights, tinsel and trimmings. Not for a kid anyway. Yes, they get "Christmas" at Grammy and Grandpop's and at my Dad's. Though, this just makes it more stressful for me. More explaining. Explaining the same thing to the adults every. single. year. More explaing to the kids as they get older and understand more. More freaking toys to step on in the middle of the night, to clean up, for them to fight over, that I need to buy batteries for or give away because I can't find a damn off button. It's insanity. It's overwhelming. It's annoying!

So yes, I will openly admit, I'm the freaking Jewish Grinch and I can't wait for December 26th to arrive.

Update: This is not directed at any one person. It's simply me venting my frustrations of the "holiday season". These are things that have happened many times over the past 8+ years by many people known and unknown as well as complaints I've heard from others. It's as simple as that.