Age is Just a Number, Right?

I always wanted to be one of those people who aged gracefully. A person who took each year as an exciting new adventure; a gift. Though I'm not exactly surprised, I am having a bit of a hard time accepting that I'm getting older. Like most things in my life, I am a bit of a control freak and lack the innate ability to just, go with the flow. I have an awesome yoga shirt that dons this phrase. But it's more of a reminder for myself than a proclamation to others of how I actually live.

This whole, woe is me; it sucks to get old, thing came about because of that wonderful technology we know and love as, FaceTime. I used to think it would be so cool to be able to see the person you're talking to on the phone back when JEM was decades ahead of her time. That's the right 80's cartoon, right? Either way, all I could think as I talked to my husband all the way on the other side of the world was, man, is THAT really what I look like?! I look so homely and OLD. I look old. I used to be so photogenic! What the heck happened? What are all those lines on my face? When did they appear?

Now, the husband wasn't looking all that great himself, but it was 6am and he had just rolled out of bed...in China. I think he gets a pass. To make myself feel the tiniest bit better about my looming birthday in 6 weeks, 6pm isn't exactly my prime either as I race around the kitchen feeding the dogs and dodging food that the kids decide they don't like even though 5 minutes prior they were jumping up and down screaming for it, all while trying to think of something I feel like eating so I have enough energy to make it through the nighttime stretch of baths and the torturous bedtime "routine". No, I'm not this crazed every night but like I said, my husband is 1/2 way around the world and the "single-parenting" thing is NOT my forte! I am in constant awe of how my mom did it or how any single parent does it, especially with little ones, all on their own, ALL the time. Truly amazing. And here I am all bummed about getting older! So lame. And I just used the word "lame"! What decade is that from anyway?! Good grief.

I'm off topic though. Lame or not, this is about me! Me looking old to be exact. I can't lie. It gets me a bit down. No reason not to admit it just because there are real issues going on in the world and getting older is one of a very few things that is inevitable in life. Sure, lots of people try to fight it with creams and surgery and who knows what else some people are choosing to inject into their bodies. But in the end, we all get old... and eventually, we all die. It is what it is. It's life. We can't change it, so why not just accept it. Embrace it.

This is where my brain battles itself with being that person who embraces it and goes with the flow, because logically there's really no other way to live, and the person who looks in the mirror and contemplates buying hair dye, starting to wear make up, or maybe at least doing my hair each day and then notices the calendar and that looming birthday and then pouts about it all. To be clear... I'm only going to be 36. I know, "I'm a baby". But for some reason 36 feels like 40 to me. Probably because it tips me on to the side of being closer to 40 than 30. And 40 feels old, even though I know it's not. Not even close.

I can't help but remember my mom's big 40th bash. I came home from college with a few friends to celebrate. She has a Halloween birthday so it was a costume party, and truly a great time. I was 20! Yes, she was a young mom and I didn't have my first baby until 31, but still, it's difficult to look at my babies and realize that will be my big bash in just a handful of years and to picture this memory of my mom turning 40. And, yes, yes I know 50 is the new 40; 60 the new 50, blah, blah... but with each new pain, each new line, each new gray hair, I think, that's a bunch of BS! I FEEL old. And if I feel old now, how the heck am I going to feel at 70?

Many people still comment on how young I look. Yet, I rarely get carded anymore. Aren't you supposed to look at least 35 to not be carded? I know I AM 35, but if I look "young", I imagine my 20's. So card me, dammit! Ironically, I used to get rather annoyed when I'd have to break out my ID all the time. I even licked and stuck my license to my forehead in Vegas while celebrating my 23rd birthday because I was getting stopped every couple steps I took. Yes, I just cringed at the thought of licking my license. It was funny at the time.

They say you're only as old as you act and perhaps that's the problem. I feel like I went from this wild child in college, and even a bit beyond, to this ultra responsible, worrying, no fun, I need to be in bed by 10:30 or I'm going to be a grump tomorrow, old lady! There are many reasons for this and I can analyze the why of it all until the cows come home but the reality is, I get mad when my husband says I'm no fun because the truth is, I'm really not. I worry so much about my kids and all the awful things that could happen but statistically are very unlikely or how I'm going to screw them up or how to protect them from the infinite ways life can strip them of their innocence and glory days of childhood too young that I have forgotten to be me. I've forgotten how to have fun. I get so hung up on cleaning the dishes after each meal and errands or what to cook and doctor appointments and taking care of the dogs, who really need walked and more attention, and trying to vacuum all the dog hair and crumbs from the floor and changing diapers or wiping butts and doing laundry, forget about actually folding it... that not only have I forgotten to be me and how to have fun as a grown up but I forget to actually HAVE fun and play with my kids! No wonder I feel old. Playing is the one thing that keeps you young. As my kids would say, silly me.

Dancing with them and running around and just being goofy. Letting them get messy with painting or bubbles or even just water... I simply forget, or avoid it all together because I see it as extra work, or one more thing I have to do. And frankly, I'm just too tired to add anything else to the never ending to-do list. Worse, I get mad at them if they do one of these things that is so much fun and it makes more of a mess for me. So instead of embracing it...I zone out. I check email or facebook or run another errand and at night just veg out looking something up online or watching some stupid tv show. I don't do the things I really want to do like my home yoga practice, read, write... I forget to be me. In place of being me, I just sit and get old. Then I wonder why I feel old. And I see myself on FaceTime and wonder when I started to look old. And then I pout about it.

And now I sit here and wonder how I can change this cycle and get back to being me. To having fun. To continue my never ending challenge of letting go and simply LIVING. Enjoying life. I know ME is a 180 from the me I think of 10, even 5 years ago, but I still miss and need her. My family needs her. I don't need the wild me, just a little fun to keep me young. All it takes is changing something to break the cycle. Any cycle. Maybe coming here tonight is that something, since each night comes and I tend to say, oh, I'll write tomorrow... Though I have a feeling I need more. Something I can do each day, something that will form a more lasting change. I need a sankalpa assignment! I loved the one I did during my yoga teacher training. Perhaps it's time I return to that place that made me happy and free and find myself again. Not perhaps. It is time. I has to be. Otherwise, I'm going to actually BE old one day and regret not living!

5774

L'shana Tova Tikatevu... May you be inscribed (in the Book of Life) for a good year.

 

Miriam awakening us with the shofar!
Picture credit Jacob's Bones

 

Saying shana tova during Rosh Hashana seems like such a simple phrase. No more powerful than "good morning" for instance. Often equated to Happy New Year, yet in reality it's such a profound and moving sentiment. Wishing someone life for another year. And not just any life, but a good life. Isn't that what we all want each day? Simply a good life? Something that isn't always so simple.

I love the High Holidays because they are so powerful. The simple becomes meaningful and intense. The mundane that often accounts for our daily comings and goings suddenly reminds us that there is purpose in every step. Every word we speak can impact us and those around us. Every thought we have emits an energy into the world that has a ripple effect. Every breath we take literally IS life.

The High Holidays make us stop and remember that there is more than just us and our simple lives of work and carpooling and soccer practice and swimming lessons. There is more than just us and our pains, our sorrow, our grief for those we have lost. These days remind us that we are just a tiny part of this immense universe, yet our place here is essential and it means something. Even if we are unsure of what.

While I tend to be reflective about my life and ways I can better myself throughout the year and I also tend to be brutally hard on myself when I don't live up to my own expectations of humanity, love and compassion, such contemplation on a daily basis that the High Holidays evokes would drain us of life. I think. It would be all consuming to ponder our purpose and existence in the universe each moment of each day, 365 days per year. There must be balance in order to fulfill that "good life" this holiday wishes for each of us.

During the High Holidays I tend to be even harder on myself than I already am daily. My imperfections can crush my heart as I think back over the year about some of the awful things I've thought, said and done, even to those I love the most. I tend to forget to reflect on all the good. In a way that's okay since this is a time to repent, to ask family and friends for forgiveness. To ask God for forgiveness for all those times I didn't live up to the image God created me in. But we should never forget the good in each of us. The good is hope and hope is fundamental for improving.

The High Holidays are a time to create and renew personal vows of betterment. It's a time to remind us of who we desire to be and to actively work harder to become that person. Imagine if every single person took such a short period of time each year to do such a thing the kind of world this would be?! We truly would create a heaven on earth, as it was meant to be. Such a thought always makes me smile. Always gives me hope.

This is a time of year I push aside the reality of all the hate that exists. Of the wars and senseless deaths and murder. Of the horrific crimes against humanity that are taking place in far too many places even as I type right now. I can't think of those things. It is too overwhelming to think of how much work the world needs to be better. This is the one time each year I can 100% focus on being a better ME. A better mother. A better wife. A better daughter and friend. A better person. It's a time to be selfish in a way. For me, it is in the selfishness it takes to be a better person where one can achieve selflessness, which is precisely what this world needs.

While all of this is moving and powerful beyond measure, one aspect of the High Holidays I love and have been dwelling on this year is the annulment of past vows. Not vows like marriage vows, but more new year resolutions type of vows. There are a number of specifics regarding this annulment bit, but for me it's a relief to let go. I set new resolutions each year and each year I feel awful as I read all the things I promised myself I would do to be that better person and then never fulfilled. It's a chance to let go. To start new. To make new vows to myself, with God. To work harder to fulfill them this year. It provides me the opportunity to let go of past regret without guilt.

Ironically, this is the one part I struggle with the most! The High Holidays grant us this "pass", yet letting go of past guilt and regret remains my greatest challenge. It's possibly the most significant hindrance in my quest for being the best me I can be. And now I sound like a US Army commercial. Oy vey!

Seriously though. This year, instead of my usual list of lofty vows which I rarely keep, at least not for long, I've decided... as in at this moment I just decided... that my only vow will be, to let go. To believe in this little piece of the High Holidays, the annulment of past vows, and just. let. the. past. be. It may not be the traditional take on this annulment of vows thing. It certainly doesn't encapsulate what the High Holidays stand for. But trying to improve who I am each day so I can shine a brighter light into this world, which I see as desperately craving more light, certainly is what the High Holidays stand for. To me anyway. That and true repentance for all the wrongs I've done to not live up to that said light filled human being God wants me to be. And that of course.

So, just one vow this year. Easy. I mean, I've only been working on this particular part of myself for over a decade now. Well, this one vow plus writing more. And since you're reading this, I guess I'm starting 5774 off pretty well so far!

Jewish or not, I'd love to hear what you strive for to be a better you each day. In the end, it's all we really can be.

Namaste, Shalom and Shana Tova my friends!

 

Barbra Streisand singing Avinu Malkeinu. Breathtaking!

This song encapulates the High Holidays for me.