Nothing Gold Can Stay

Despite loving poetry and writing my own back in the day, this is the only poem I have ever been able to recite from memory. What I find amazing is that I haven't thought of this poem in ages. And I certainly wasn't thinking of it today or even when I decided to write this long overdue post. I sat down with thoughts swirling about what I had intended to write and how that may or may not relate to the tragic events of today. I sat down... and I immediately began to type this poem.

Then I went and found a picture to make it more aesthetically pleasing.

What's amazing is how the mind works, because this poem is perfect. I mean, truly perfect. Few things in life are. Few things in life can depict an emotion, especially emotions of sadness and heartache in a beautiful way. These words tie together thoughts I've been having recently with the senseless elementary school shooting in Connecticut today. They remind me there is beauty all around us, even when the world feels full of ugliness.

Lately, I've been looking at my kids and realizing how "grown" they have become. My 3&1/2 year old says things everyday that make me realize how much her little head truly comprehends and just how quickly babies become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids to teens and young adults and grown children having children of their own.... and all of a sudden I realize why everyone says "enjoy it now, they grow up so fast".

All mom's of babies and toddlers, especially if their little ones aren't good sleepers or are otherwise difficult, hear those words and shudder. On some days you wish you could knock out the person saying it to you without ending up in jail for it. The problem is, those words are so true. It's the truthfulness of those words that is scary for me right now. I feel like by the time I get these toddler years figured out the next phase of life will be here and I'll have missed out on those years that were driving me to the brink of insanity. It's hard not to just try to get through the day sometimes though. Sometimes it feels like that's all you can do.

Then I hear my daughter say something that makes me go, WOW, when did she learn that?! Or she tells me she's going to write an "R for Rylie" and I'm waiting to say "that's AWESOME" to the little scribble mark she makes and tells me that it's an R when I look down and see a circle with two lines out the bottom, like my first R's resembled on the papers in my childhood memories box. I excitedly praise her in amazement, while inside my heart sinks a bit as I realize once again, you can't go back. She will never be my baby that I rock or nurse before bed. Time will forever more forward. Children will always grow. And we really only have today, each day, to soak it all in. Nothing gold can stay.

As I've been "chatting" about all this with myself and working to remind myself to let each day sink in, to not simply get through it, but to live.... I came across a news post that says there's been a shooting at an elementary school. Immediately I remember my freshman year in college, holding a magazine, Time or People or one of those, and looking at the faces of the victims from Columbine. I remember my heart hurting as I read about those kids, who were my age. I remember reading about their hopes and dreams, what their lives were like, their college plans.... I remember how senseless it all was, the loss of life. I remember how everything changed in schools after that. How we said such a thing would never happen again. We were prepared to prevent such tragedy.

How little we learn. How soon we forget. Today isn't the first school shooting since that one that changed it all. I doubt it will be the last, no matter how much I pray it would be. Sick people will always find a way to do senseless things, to take innocent lives, which will alter the course of so many lives. When you think about just how many lives are impacted from events like today, the ripple effect from such a tragedy ultimately changes every last one of us. It makes parents look at their children and realize this can happen anywhere and every time you send your child off to school that could be the last time you hear them say, "Bye, I love you Mommy!". It makes many, parents or not, question our gun laws, which I will not do here. It makes everyone stop, even if just for a moment, and remember to tell the people they love that they love them.

Sometimes I think such senseless acts of violence occur, or even accidents that no one can predict or prevent, for this reason... to make us stop. To remind us to love. To remind us to live each day like it really is our last.  Because lets face it, you really and truly just never know if it is. If you're a regular reader here, you know I believe there is a reason for everything and I am always determined to find a reason for even the most horrific of events; a reason that leaves me with hope for humanity rather than resentment or hate. While deep down I do believe awful things happen to remind us of what life is really all about and to see the beauty, I'm not sure today is the day for me to seek my reason. Or more to accept what I already believe in my heart.

Today, my heart aches for the parents who can never hold their babies again, whether they were still a child or an adult. My heart aches for the children who will never hug their mom or dad again. For the wives, husbands, partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends.... for all those who lost someone they cherished and never in a million years thought that when they woke this morning, and perhaps yelled at their child to brush their teeth or put their shoes on because they were running late or were annoyed at their husband for not changing the toilet paper roll again... that today would be the day they never would see their loved one alive again. My heart simply hurts for these strangers today and I see no reason for them to have to endure such pain.

Today is one more reminder that my kids really are growing up much too fast for me, that time is this elusive concept I can't seem to wrap my head around these days....


And I just had to take a break from finishing because my 3 year old, you know, the one who is growing up much too fast, just decided to poop on the kitchen floor after she peed her pants because she couldn't tear herself away from the play dough to go to the bathroom. And just like that... the carpe diem moment is over. THOUGH, there was no yelling or freaking out.

This is a perfect reminder of the other side of today.... we will press forward. Those families hurting will hurt....badly. Unbearably so. I can't fathom the pain. It takes my breath away to even try. But those of us watching the horror and holding our kids tight, we will press on. Tomorrow even. For me, five minutes ago as I cleaned up the poop from my floor. We will fail as parents and get up and try again. We will yell and we will be imperfect and we will forget that this moment could be our last. But in the back of my head I guess there's a part of me that always hears those words I memorized all those years ago.... nothing gold can stay.

I will miss this one day. The insanity of it all. I'll miss their innocence and their giggles and cuddles and the wonder in their eyes. I'll miss them needing me to kiss a boo boo or to tell them there are no monsters in the dark... even though I know there are far too many "monsters" in our world. I'll miss the crazy things they say and their singing and dancing and thinking peek-a-boo is the greatest game ever.

I may not miss the poop. Or the fighting. Or the painting with peanut butter while they eat. But at least I have those memories to laugh at someday. There are far too many parents today, and each day, who would love to make such memories again.

It's certainly something I've been thinking about lately. And today solidified that need to remember not to take any of these years for granted. I don't have to love each day, but I do need to remember I won't get that day back. I won't get that time back.

Many prayers to all those who have lost those they love today.