Friendship

It's been awhile, huh? Sorry about that. No good reason for my temporary absence, just life. Well, life and not being sure that some of my self talk turned blog post for all to see wouldn't upset people I know and love so.... I saw it best to bite my tongue. Or pinch my fingers perhaps is a better idiom in this case? 

Either way, here I am, overwhelmed with my chatter, the ups and downs of life with an alcoholic, a toddler finding his independence and my little girl turning four tomorrow. Wow, four. but thats another post. 

This post is because I was recently reminded that this overwhelming feeling that tends to find me more often than I would prefer can be pushed to the curb for a brief respite when I get the rare opportunity to chat with friends. Or even other mommies that perhaps may sprout into friends some day. 

Thankfully, the few play dates we've had that provided such an opportunity have kept me sane this past month. On the opposite side of my sanity it also got my chatter all worked up. Realizing I need adult interaction like the dolphin needs to come up for a breath of the freash ocean air combined with the seemingly countless other moments the universe has tossed in my direction lately has made me stop and reevaluate what friendship means. Or at least contemplate it as I'm sure my definition will stand strong. 

Last week someone posed this exact question on Facebook. She wondered if her definition of friendship had become outdated and how we defined what a friend is. It was timely as I've been feeling a bit sad that both my husband and I lose more and more friends with each move we make. Combined with each year my husband continues to drink and stray away from old friendships, it feels like we have many good old friends that are now mearly acquaintances through fantasy leagues, Facebook, the occasional text and/or email. 

Friends we would have invited to our wedding 3 years ago had we not simply went to the local magistrate. Friends who would have been IN our wedding! I try to think who we would even ask now if we did finally have that long awaited celebration. It's similar to feeling like I have no one to will my children to should, God forbid,  something happen to us. Minus the whole stressful part of who will take care of the only things in my life that mean anything! So, not really the same at all, other than not knowing who I can truly call a friend anymore.

It's hard not to think of those bondsthat once   meant so much. Friends we would go out of our way to meet somewhere if we were in town or to attend a milestone birthday bash out of state. Friends we would send welcome new baby gifts to or holiday gifts for their kids. Friends we used to invite over for dinner or meet out for drinks. So many friends from our college years that became more like family than mearly friends. Too many dear friends that have simply slipped into the realm of, remember when... 

I often ask Craig, what's so and so up to these days and the response is, 

No idea, I haven't talked to them in a year. 

Wow! Has it really been that long? Didn't we just see them? 

Um, no, that was more like three years ago. 

Oh.

Some of it is kids. A lot of it is I guess. A lot of it is proximity. But to me true friendships stand the test of time and distance as well as the full time work of marriage and parenthood. I've always expected a lot from my friends. Probably because I give all of me to every relationship I value. I give all of my heart and soul to anything I value really, not just relationships. Every relationship we have requires a give and take. There's not one I can think of that will last if it's one sided. As I start to be the only one giving I have too often have to sit back and accept that I must stop giving all of me for nothing in return. Though the result is less hurt in the end, I find myself drifting further from my friendships and more towards isolation. 

Each call that goes unreturned for days, weeks, or even months reminds me of how isolated we have become. Each text that awaits a reply. Each wedding we don't get an invite to... 

My heart sinks a bit. Not because these friends don't think of me or us anymore or maybe wouldn't even call us friends but because I feel so lonely when I think back on my memories of them.

Don't get me wrong, I am truly blessed with all I have. Two healthy kids is something I cant take for granted after all I have seen in my career. Yet that doesn't take away the fact that friendships are truly an essential part of life. It's a type of love that family doesn't fill. Friendship helps to give you a sense of identity aside from mom and wife or sister, grand daughter, aunt.... 

If you have a family like mine, in many ways, friends become your family. Figuratively, emotionally maybe even spiritually. In such instances, that makes the slip from friend to an "old friend" even more intense of a loss. 

I'm partly to blame too of course. There are some friends I didn't call as much or work as hard to stay in touch with once my kids came along. I avoid meeting new friends because of the fear my husband will drink and embarrass me. I avoid meeting up with old friends because they expect him to drink and he's too embarrassed to tell them he has an addiction. It's a never ending cycle of losing old friends, avoiding making new meaning friendships and the loneliness of wondering if this is as good as it can be.

Interestingly, I never really had a group of good friends for an extended length of time. I wasn't in a "clique" in high school or a sorority or any other type of group. I rotated through various groups depending on what I was into, dance, music, drinking, drugs, the frat or athlete scene, who I was dating, which bars were currently cool, classes, where I lived, parenthood, etc. It's always been this way. My close friends would come and go and change. A couple have come and gone and returned from time to time, sometimes after many years. Some I may run into and it's like it hasn't been a decade! But after such a chance encounter we are back to them being an old friend from... I'm not sure any of these meet my definition of true friend. 

They say if you have one true friend in life than that's all you need. The thing is, my mom is the one person I talk to nearly every day. The one friend I call with exciting news, frustrations, funny things the kids say and do and confide in with both my worries and dreams for the future. Thankfully I have a young mom so God willing, I'll have her around for a long, long time. As I said, I am blessed. I know this and I am thankful. I'm thankful for her and everyone I call friend or ha e called friend, no matter how long it's been. 

I still miss what I had though. I still long for some meaningful friendships. The lifelong ones that you can count on through the passing years, who you can laugh with at the ridiculous things you did as kids, wondering how you survived it all, who you can get away with on a girls weekend once the kids are old enough to survive on their own, or with dad... I want friendships with couples that my husband and I can share parenting horror stories with, who we can vacation with so our kids can learn the true value of friendship by example. The ones who understand addiction and could care less because drinking isn't the center of having fun and they love and accept both our good and not so great qualities...

I don't think I really want much or more than others. In the end I just want to enjoy all the riches of this life. Meaningful bonds with others is the epitome of what the universe offers us. In the end, family and friendships are the only riches life offers.

Life In A Photo

I recently received an email from shutterfly for 101 free prints. I get these fairly often and it's usually the only time I order prints. Well, then and when I cash in my Pampers reward points for shutterfly print packages and books. I checked the current photo box to see where I left off and realized it had been awhile. Like, nearly 6 months awhile! Yikes. This meant I had to pick and choose a bit more than usual. I still ended up ordering 145 pictures. Not bad considering there was probably near 1000.

My little orange envelope, or more of a large one,  arrived a short time after and I sat and went through the pictures over lunch one day. Each one I flipped though brought a bigger smile to my face and I even laughed aloud a handful of times at the memory of how silly my kids are. I tend to forget those moments when the majority of time they are wild little monsters with a mission to turn my hair grey much too young. For some reason, reliving these joyful, silly and fun memories reminded me of a part of a sermon my last Rabbi gave two or three years ago.

It clearly was one that resonated with me since I'm not sure I can recall any other sermon I've ever heard. In short, he talked about how he was always videoing his kids when they were younger because he didn't want to miss anything. At some point he realized that he was missing everything because he was behind the camera rather than fully in the moment, taking part of the memory being made. Clearly the point was to live in the present, to fully soak in the memories and the time you have with your family because kids grow up much too quickly and in the blink of an eye, they are adults themselves. He encouraged us to come out from behind the camera and join in the memory.

This idea was very difficult for me to accept. I live by my camera. I have for a very long time. I was editor and chief of my senior yearbook and took many of the photos myself. I even spent countless hours in the darkroom developing them the old school way. Yes, I was truly developing film in the darkroom. Not that I can remember how to do that now! I was devastated when I lost my camera at a fraternity party one night in college that held a couple nights full of memories which I certainly can't recall now. While negatives are obsolete, I keep all the ones I have in my fire proof box. I have photo boxes full of memories, albums from my childhood, and with modern technology as it is, my iPhone is always full.

Despite uploading the pictures from my phone to shutterfly, my computer and then saving to an external hard drive, I still get anxiety about deleting them. It's as if hitting delete will somehow erase them forever. I realize this is silly. The thing is, I've been a bit obsessed with having as many memories as possible in print since I did a research paper on Alzheimer's in high school and learned it has a hereditary component. My grandma was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's in her mid-forties. Yes, her FORTIES. She was one of the youngest ever to be diagnosed with this disease, at least then she was. She passed in her fifties when I was 12 years old.

I have memories of my mom taking care of her as she wondered at night. My Pap worked nights and took care of her all day. Since my mom and I lived with them at that time, she cared for her at night. I remember her in the nursing home... a blank slate. It was like there was no life in her eyes. She had lost everything, all her memories. While I know that once the disease progresses to that point pictures won't mean a thing, I can't help but hope if I ever met such a tragic fate that my pictures would keep that light of life in me. Even if just enough to make it easier on my family to bear.

Alzheimer's is truly horrific. To me, it's almost as if your life was pointless in a way. If you can't remember your life in the end, then what do you have? Perhaps the soul departs long before the end so your energy is out there somewhere and it's okay. It's not really possible to know. But it's one of my greatest fears. That I'll forget it all. That I won't remember the birth of my kids, their snuggles as I put them to bed, their giggles.

So, yes, I still live behind my camera. My fear of forgetting keeps me there. I try to soak in the times when I don't have my camera as much as possible. I try to breathe them in and let them fill every part of me so no matter what the future brings, I won't forget them. I often find I have no memories of many things. Most of college is gone. Much of my childhood consists of sporadic moments, often the more tragic and traumatic parts I recall and the rest are a few second clips here and there. Even now, I try to think back to important moments from the recent past and I feel too much is missing. I worry I killed too many brain cells in my college years or that my head is simply predisposed to forgetting. Either way, it scares the hell out of me.

My only solution is to snap away. So that's what I do. It may annoy some that my phone is always in front of my face or that I post new photos to Facebook regularly. Heck, my two and three year old even tell me enough is enough sometimes, or I get that fake, come on Mom, smile. But when those prints come in, I remember. And I smile. Maybe it's selfish of me. But I need those moments. I need those smiles.

It breaks my heart that my grandma met such a fate. It makes me cringe at what that nasty disease does to a person's mind. It's devastating how it impacts every person who knows and loves someone with Alzheimer's. The impact lingers for generations.

I pray I never need my pictures to fill me with life someday but rather be able to fondly reminisce over them throughout the years. And of course embarrass my kids with their bath and potty pictures or some other ridiculous thing they did that their future spouse will tease them about until they are old an grey. That's what parents are for, right?!

To me, that's the beauty of photographs. And videos. As long as they exist, so does the memory. It's concrete, you can see it. That sense of sight enables you to feel it and live it again. So my life is a photo. A whole heck of a lot of them in fact! But it's also right here and right now. I simply ensure memories last a lifetime, and then some. And I'm okay with that.

I sure don't remember this.
But this memory of 4 generations together always brings a smile to my face!