The Abyss

A friend posted this picture and I thought it was perfect for my blog
though  not necessarily relevant to this post.

I haven't felt much like writing lately. I haven't felt like doing much of anything lately. It takes all I've got to do the mundane things I need to like prepare meals and clean up and give baths, get a shower myself, go to the store for milk. I've been on a bit of a self pity party you could say.

Really I've been more in this abyss of anger. My chatter is hate filled anger, most of the time, and I thought why write about that? I actually have written a couple posts but they are just sitting on my iPad. I don't like them much. They aren't the honest type posts, they aren't my constant thoughts, just ones that pass by, interrupt my incessant anger and then they are gone. These passing thoughts are the moments of joy, even laughter, I allow myself to soak in for a moment and then it's back to my abyss of hate and anger, worry and fear.

I hate my anger. I try to remember if I was always an angry person and I don't think I was. Maybe sad a good amount of time, but not angry. Just a few years ago I felt great, like I had my whole life ahead of me. I had hopes and dreams and was excited about life and my future. Now every decision I ponder in an effort to escape my anger leaves me with nothing but fear. Any major decision I make will have a butterfly effect that will impact not only the rest of my life but the rest of my kids lives and that terrifies me. What if I make the wrong decision? These aren't those ever debated parenting decisions like to breast feed or not, to vaccinate or not, to stay home or work outside the home, where to send the kids to school or even to live. The choices I need to make to escape my anger of living in an alcoholic home can make or break all of us.

Al Anon says to focus on the present and to focus on our own choices which is all we can control. But with such young children involved, I find it extremely difficult not to look at their futures and what I dream for them to have. I get that I can't control how the ripple effect of my choices now will impact them later, even the more simple decisions parents have to make. No one can know how a decision today will impact tomorrow. I do get that. But how can I not at least try to picture every angle? It's a fine line we teeter on, the living in the present and being conscious of the future. I'm not very good at walking this fine line. I often tip over into the worrying about the future, the future of my kids.

But the worry is impacting my health. Not just my mental health but my physical health now and that terrifies me even more. My anger is killing me, it feels like. No I'm not dying, that I know of! Thank God. But many days it feels like it. Anger is consuming, like flames. But it burns from the inside out. It's painful. It's difficult to extinguish flames from within. You can't just stop, drop and roll.

I try the stop part when it creeps up but often I feel like, if I don't get angry at my husband when he drinks then it's equivalent to being passive, to saying it's okay honey, keep killing yourself and destroying everything you've worked for, everything you love. It's not okay. It just isn't, but saying it's not okay doesn't mean anything. Granted my daily anger doesn't seem to mean anything either. So what am I left with? I don't know. I wish I did. If I did, maybe I could swim out of this abyss, extinguish these constant flames of fury and return to the person who was excited about my life and my future and all the wonderful things that lie await. All the joy life has to offer. And there's a lot of it but it's just passing me by.

Instead I burn. Yes, I know, it's my choice to be angry. I choose to, because I just don't know what other choice to make right now. The anguish of worry that consumes me when I'm not furious is just as debilitating. I know I have to make a choice, many choices, and accept whatever choices I determine are best for me and my kids. I need to stop worrying about how all the puzzle pieces of life will fall as a result. I know this, but I just don't know where to start. I feel a bit like I'm in quick sand and can't take a step forward. This isn't me though. I've always fought for what I wanted. I've always wanted something attainable though and since it's not possible to make another person change and be who you know they can be perhaps that's why I can't figure out how to take that step. What I want is not something I can make happen.

What I do know is my anger is impacting the kids lives much more than their alcoholic father is right now. It may always be that way. I've read that growing up in an alcoholic home can be like this because the alcoholic is predictable, in a way, but my moods are not. How I choose to react to any particular situation at any given moment is not predictable. Often I don't even know how I'll react. I don't even know how I want to react anymore.

I want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. They are happy, for now, and I want them to stay that way. I don't want their innocence stripped away by this disease. I don't want them to be consumed by fear or worry or anger like their mommy is. I want them to have the life I dreamed for them. I think first I need to accept that no matter what choices I make, this is a disease that will in someway impact their lives. It doesn't have to be in a way that's detrimental though. But if I can't get myself out of this abyss of anger and start enjoying life again it will be me who they hate and not this disease.