Selftalk(in)sanity: Downloading the Moments, Erasing the Rest

I woke up today with the mantra, Don't be mad at your daughter for yesterday, it's over. I repeated it over and over and when she woke up, too early for me but its always too early for me, I smiled big and said "good morning beautiful". I held my breath a bit as I hoped she couldn't see through the facade. She really is beautiful, the anxiety is because I have this unique hard drive within my brain which downloads all the things that annoy, frustrate and piss me off and holds them there for what I presume will be as long as I exist. Yet it skips over other memories and even things I would like to retain like all the psychology theories and who founded them because such info would be very useful if I ever get around to becoming licensed.

Regardless of the inner workings of my memory that often leave me a bit dumbfounded, I have tried many ways to erase this part of my hard drive, even remove it's ability altogether so it can't store new situations that anger me but alas they are there, all of them, for as long as I can remember, and I continue to have this inability to let go! I hold grudges and if wronged bad enough I dream of some sort of revenge. Not like Law Abiding Citizen revenge, though that was a great movie. I don't wish harm on people but do believe everyone should get what they deserve. The tailgater putting me and my kids at risk as he swerves in and out of his lane just a few feet from each car... yeah, that guy should lose his license and be inconvenienced by taking public transportation...forever. And I guess I wouldn't mind punching him in the nose for putting my kids at risk, so I guess I do wish bodily harm at times! Yes, I have some road rage.

Is it bad we dressed her
as a devil for Halloween?

Anyway, as it turns out, this personality trait is a bit difficult to work around when you have a toddler who, I often wonder if she is in fact the spawn of Dexter and somehow ended up in my womb. If I believed in some things a bit differently I might say, spawn of the devil. I have actually used that phrase before to get my point across. And if I was of a different religion I may have contacted someone to come and pray the possession out of her by now, or at least this past week and a half.

While I am half joking, I do worry as well. Caleb is the polar opposite of my possessed little "monster", a term of endearment her father and I started calling her by 2 months of age.

This became her special nickname in part because of the incessant crying for the first 6 weeks of her life. Which is how long it took us to figure out she has severe reflux (still does but no pain, thank you makers of Prilosec) Poor kid.

Anyway, it's really no secret to anyone that the baby is my "favorite" kid. I stress over this favoritism thing quite a bit and debated admitting it in a public forum but as I said, it's not exactly a secret. Besides, anyone who knows me also knows I would die to protect my little monster and love her as much as her brother, the combo of the two being more love than anything in the universe. That knowledge doesn't stop the mommy guilt I feel for having a favorite though or the counselor in me from analyzing why this might be and the potential effects it may have on her self esteem should his favoritism thing be more than me detesting the terrible twos and the fact that I'm about to lose my mind less than two weeks into what I presume are the dreaded threes. You know what I'm talking about. The "three's" have been like the mommy's Fort Knox over the centuries. I've only recently been warned and more recently initiated. I suspect some wise mommy coined the terrible two phrase as a bit of a warning but also to help keep the three's a secret from potential parents, lest no one would have children.

I have lots of theories like this but lets move on. I've debated a number of times digging out my old text books because I honestly think Rylie's behavior goes beyond the realm of "normal" but I honestly can't remember just how crazy two and three years old are supposed to be. Umm, yeah, for those of you who know me and are scratching their heads by this comment you are not mistaken, my major was in fact Human Development (and Family Studies) focusing on Children, (Youth and families) and I worked with 3 year olds for a total of five years. Problem is, all I remember is loving those kids and that age, it was my favorite age in fact! Boy did those little toddlers bamboozle me. This age is nothing short of mood swings that change like the speed of light, which I am clearly too slow to adapt to fast enough, followed up by sociopath like behaviors turn sweet little girl I just want to hug all day. I mean how does a person stay sane? How do mommy's survive this? My hair is turning grey and my body hurts and I'm as tired as well, always. But damn, I think I just lost a year of my life and we are only a week in!

I came home from yoga last night night and Craig said, I'm happy you got a chance to get out of this mad house. He was alone with the kids for less than 2 hours.

The other day Ryle threw one of her her hellacious fits an hour and fifteen minutes into her brother's typical 3 hour nap. Hellacious fit is the only way I can describe these daily episodes which often occur multiple times per day and often stem from her wanting to do something herself yet not informing me of this decision until she's lost her freaking mind over it. Yeah, Miss "I got it" (my new nickname for her since I hear it all day long), flips out over us not letting her change her own poopy diaper yet she can't sit her little ass on the big girl potty, yup, she got it. Anyway, Caleb woke up, after not sleeping the two previous nights before because he's teething, again. Poor kid was exhausted and very unhappy. I. Was. Pissed. I quickly sent Craig one of my over exaggerated texts about someone not living through the day and took a breath.

I gave them their snacks and I decided since everyone was up I might as well go grocery shopping, no sense putting it off since Rylie seemed to have regained her composure. All was well, Rylie helped me put the groceries up to scan. I do self check out because I like to bag my groceries how I put them away to save time. Did I mention my anal side? Anyway, she wanted to help with the stuff that, for various reasons, I put out of her reach. My massive mommy mistake of the day which was committed in effort to prevent what seemed to be a looming breakdown on her part... I let her out of the cart to "help". Subsequently, she found the candy they put at the check out.

I thought, those damn marketers must sit in their board rooms making this strategic product placement decision knowing it will set off the toddler personality known to me as, completely freaking insane, and the parent will buy the candy to prevent an all out meltdown. Well, I am not one of these parents and as a result, all of Krogers and those in the parking lot got to witness one of Rylie's hellacious fits. It was actually because I put her back in the cart when she started to try to open the skittles package with her teeth. No, I still didn't buy the damn things after the package was in her mouth.

An older woman in the parking lot stopped and said, "aww, someone's not happy." I thought, no she is freaking crazy not unhappy but either way, no shit! She's screaming and crying and acting like someone is doing some serious bodily damage, must you stop and give attention to this nonsense!? Now, I'm sure this nice lady meant well but I didn't even bother to look at her or address her comment for fear the fire in my glare might cause her to burst into flames.

It was only today I realized that Rylie was screaming "help, help" since she still wanted to help put the groceries up to scan. As such, this scene could have been interpreted very differently to a passerby and as such I probably looked like a very awful mommy who was ignoring my sweet little girl who needed "help" rather than the mommy about to lose her mind due to her sweet possessed little girl throwing a fit in public.

By the way, Caleb sweetly sat in the cart, quietly entertaining himself this whole time.

That night I went and bought a bottle of wine and had not one but two glasses. If you typically read my posts you know such behavior is unheard of. For one, I don't ever drink at home. I just didn't care. I needed a glass of wine and to try to let go. It worked. The next day was better and I was back to just thinking she may be the spawn of Dexter but I can handle the insanity. She had a couple back to back time outs, one for hurting the dog, again. My poor boxer, notorious for their high pain tolerance, cries at whatever it is she does to him now. As she sat she said, "hurt animals" and my worries returned as I thought of Dexter and said, "No Rylie we DON'T hurt animals, animals are our friend" I think she just can't say "don't hurt animals" all together but either way, she makes the dog cry and laughs.

She then hurt brother bear. This is back to being a daily, multiple times per day occurrence. I'm also not sure she's trying to hurt him or just rough housing because that's how she's used to playing with dad but grabbing him around the neck and lying on top of him just isn't okay, whatever her intention. She also likes to give hugs around the neck but she's also manipulative enough to wait until I'm not watching, which tells me she knows it's wrong but does it anyway and laughs while she does. The laughing really worries me.

A Rylie hug"

Then I have my carpe moment of the day. I get one everyday but that day was extra sweet. When I brought Caleb down from nap she excitedly said, "Caleb's awake!" I took him to the kitchen to get his milk and she followed. Looking up at him she said, "Caleb!". I bent down so she could see him and she leaned in, kissed his head and said, "Caleb, I love you". Oh melt my heart and in the back of my head I thought, thank God, she's not a sociopath!

About 10 minutes later she was stealing his snack which makes him flip out. You don't mess with this boy's food! Then she was lying on him laughing as he screamed, unable to get up. Ahhhhh (sigh), at least I had my one moment.

This is an old one but it always looks the same

I try to soak up the magical moments because the other 80% (more?) of the day involves all the insanity, screaming and me looking at my daughter thinking, what the hell am I going to do with her?! I often contemplate checking myself into a mental hospital just so I can get a 72 hour break from it all. I remember slipping on ice this winter and thinking, damn, if I had fallen I could have broken something and maybe ended up in the hospital for a day, shit, why did I catch myself? Yes, she's. that. crazy.

Yet, at the same time, her moments of sweetness often melt my heart and her smile and giggle simply light up my life. I love cuddling with her at night, when she sleeps and isn't tossing around like a tornado that is. I love it even more when she sleeps in her own bed and through the night. That combo has only happened one time since ousting the crib and it was this week, so its fresh in my memory. I keep thinking if I dream of it each night I can relive the feeling each day. Its not working, but it was worth a shot. I worry I will hold this grudge. I worry I will always "favor" Caleb and cause some deep routed issues in my little monster. I think, she's two! Let it go. I take a breath, often multiple times each day to regroup and I think, man, now I understand why we don't diagnose the really major psychological disorders until late adolescence and adulthood...everyone would be institutionalized and medicated for life if we diagnosed at age two!

I go to bed each night telling myself to let it go. I wake up telling myself yesterday is over. I see her sweet face and once again say, "good morning my love", and once again I pray, please God, don't let her be possessed today but if she is, give me just one moment to hold on to, just one. I always get it.

Sometimes it takes until bedtime when I can count on her to say, "Goodnight, Caleb" and give him a kiss on the head. Now, I just need to download those moments and hold on to them, erase the the rest of the day and with a little help from God, I just might survive this thing called parenthood.

Some of my magical moments caught on film (or more accurately a digital device :)