To Believe Them or Not

I'm one of those people who is always searching for the good that can come out of horrific situations. Sometimes even desperately trying to find the meaning of it all. If you're a regular visitor to my little blog here then you've read this before, you've seen the positives I can derive from otherwise tragic events. It's sort of my way of understanding the evils and sadness of our world, without needing a straitjacket to cope with it all!

We are quickly approaching a year since we learned who our once local hero, highly respected, fun-loving, family man and humanitarian whose efforts to help the underprivileged youth of our state would rival the likes of Mother Teresa, really was. I continue to peel away each layer of intense emotion that continues to engulf hundreds of thousands of us in the aftermath of learning of the horrific acts Jerry Sandusky committed. As such, I have tried to focus more on the good that can come of this, because to me, that's the only way for a community to heal, is to find the good and run with it. 

A brief time out.... 

If you are questioning how I can feel so intensely and take it so personally or maybe think I shouldn't feel such a way or that feeling such a way somehow takes away from what his victims endured and what they and their families will have to live with their entire lives, then I feel happy for you. Truly. If you think these things then that means you have never had to deal with a tragedy in your community or family. You are lucky and fortunate and should feel blessed. It means a child was never kidnapped from your neighborhood, a student at your school never committed suicide or was in a horrible accident that took their life or left them with a permanent disability. It means you never found out your priest was abusing boys, a gunman never shot up your workplace, school or movie theater. It means that your neighbor was never that serial rapist the policed warned you about or a teacher you loved dearly was sleeping with a student. It means you never knew, admired or respected someone that turned out to be evil reincarnate. It means you never lived in a small town with a family like feel that endured anything truly horrible. You are blessed and that makes me smile. I never wish anyone to understand why this has had such an impact on our community or on me personally.  

End of time out....

So, I search. I try to understand how this could happen; how someone could fool EVERYONE, from his coworkers to close friends, the boys he actually did help and didn't abuse, to judges and the governor and even the President of the United States. How did he do all this despite multiple claims made of abuse to a school counselor, principal and even the police? How could a school counselor tell a scared child that he was not abused and the man he was accusing was a good man, tell his mom it would be best not to report it and the school continue to release the child to this man despite his parent forbidding it? How do the police sit in another room and hear rather incriminating evidence and not think anything of it? Why were so many victims not believed? 

I don't have a desire to get into the Sandusky case. Quite frankly, that would require me to sit down and write a book after the abundant research I've done regarding it. My goal, as a parent first and Penn Stater second, is to find the good that can come of his crimes. Yes, good can come from even this. In fact, it must. That starts by understanding how things like this happen to begin with. I read this from a fellow alum after many of us watched the Dr. Phil episode on Friday...

"One thing about all of the "outing" of victims stories right now is the common thread of a child not being believed. There is a school of thought that a child in the foster care system or split home environment wasn't believed when speaking of molestation or abuse. I have witnessed children placed in a controlled school or group home after they spoke up of this type of issue. This was done because it was felt the child was not believable and needed therapy or other guidance. Also, there were always those that might have believed the child but didn't want to get involved due to all of the legal ramifications. The real travesty is the thought that a child's voice isn't a true voice regardless of their home environment."

The real travesty is the thought that a child's voice isn't a true voice.... Powerful. huh? I thought so too.

As someone who worked with abused children for years, combined with my counseling background, this is what I know... it is quite common for kids to not be believed, especially if their claims are against a prominent member of our society with an impeccable reputation. The adult will always trump the kid in these instances. It's simply the truth. Such an adult will often even trump the child's parent, should they believe their own child, which many don't. Kids from lower income or "nontraditional" homes of any kind and minorities are very rarely believed as well, especially over an affluent, respected, white man. This is quite simply reality. Right or wrong, it's reality. As ironic as this may sound, kids who have been abused in the past are often not believed should they accuse someone else of abuse or more severe abuse. There are many valid reasons for this and again, right or wrong, that is simply what I've seen and learned, sometimes the hard way, as I've been fooled more than once by an imaginative child! 

Some may think this is inherently wrong; that a child who claims abuse should always be heard and it should always be reported and investigated. As a parent, my knee jerk reaction is to say, ABSOLUTELY. Then as I started to become as self righteous as the best of them I was reminded of something I know well. I was reminded of why I would always stop and think and try to look at the bigger picture when I was out in the working world, working with children, especially abused children. What was I reminded of? Children, no matter the age, have some vivid imaginations. For the record, many adults too! Some kids let their imaginations run wild because it's simply part of their developmental age, learning and growth. Some are seeking attention. Some mix things up in their head, maybe from things they've heard, seen on TV or even dreamed and in an attempt to figure it out they create a new story of events in their head. Some have learned to embellish things from their parents or friends and like to see what comes of telling wild stories. It's why we teach our kids about the boy who cried wolf from a young age. Or, at least why we should teach them this story... over and over and over until they fully understand it.

I was recently reminded of this when my daughter got in loads of trouble for pushing her brother off the couch. I mean hard. The boy landed a good 2 feet away! I snatch her off the couch and put her in a timeout. She was behind the big cushion and pulled away as I growled at her that she needed to sit for being mean, hurting and pushing her brother. After her timeout, I asked her if I hurt her arm, explained that it was an accident and I was sorry if I did. I explained about not fighting mommy when she needs to sit for a time out. She responded... "Mommy kicked me". My jaw hit the floor. I tried to figure out how she could come up with such a notion while I reminded her that no such thing happened!! Imagine if she went to school and told her teacher that "mommy kicked her"? Worse yet, what if the teacher questioned her more and she actually pointed to one of the many bruises she often has on her clumsy little body?! Should child protective services come banging down my door? This is sort of a silly example compared to the specific event that has me searching for the good that can come of it, but a valid point nonetheless. 

So where's the good you are probably wondering? Kid's get abused in some form, they may find the courage to tell someone and then they aren't believed. So, the abuse continues, maybe gets worse if the perpetrator finds out they told, and so it goes, generation after generation. We have child protection laws now. They weren't always in place you know. Like civil rights, children have come a long way in being treated as equal and even human, rather than possessions that is. And like all minorities, our children have a long road ahead. It's one that may never lead to their voices being equal to their adult counterparts for so many reasons, many mentioned above. But they are also a group that can't fight themselves for their voices to be heard. We are the only ones who can fight for them. At the same time, there's a balancing act to consider because false allegations can ruin a good persons life. The court of public opinion can be devastating for the innocent and that, to me, is as much a travesty as a child's voice not being counted as a true voice. True, the adult can defend themselves, in most situations anyway, but once the court of public opinion has given their guilty verdict, then that adults voice becomes as insignificant as the children we must fight for. It's a juggling act really, and in the end there are often going to be losers. That's the hard truth to digest. That is what's unfair. That's what I am having a hard time swallowing because it doesn't have to be be this way, I don't think.

WE as a society can learn to stop, to think critically and not with knee jerk, emotional reactions. I was guilty of this in the Sandusky case myself. I thought McQueary was a scum bag who witnessed child rape and did nothing about it. When in fact, as more and more evidence and testimony has been released to the public, he witnessed no such thing. Am I happy with him for changing his story so many times it makes my head spin? Or that his initial story presented to the public is the one many have based their verdicts of guilt on; the same story that I rushed to judge and flipped a lid over? No. I'm not happy with him at all. I've also never been in his position where my story needed to be strong enough to help put away a serial pedophile. I can't judge him and I don't but I'm certainly not a fan of Mike McQueary. Though like many Penn Staters, I never really was anyway! All kidding aside, as this is no laughing matter, the bottom line is we as a society need to do better. We need to think for ourselves and stop judging each other! Unless we have walked a mile in the person's shoes we are judging then we have no right to judge. It's as simple as that.  

I honestly don't have the answers for how we can stop this innate human characteristic of judgement. I struggle with it daily, as you've read about many times! I do know that through education we are granted the ability to learn how to stop and think though. We can teach our children critical thinking skills. With our ability to obtain information and news with the click of a button and often within minutes of anything major occurring, critical thinking skills are more important now than ever before. Yet it seems such skills are lacking more now than in generations past. Along with our ability to obtain whatever information we desire brings us the ability to become more aware of issues we were previously not all that knowledgeable in. Before we judge based on a headline, we can take some time to truly educate ourselves on the situation or person we are rushing to judge. All that with the same click of a button! Maybe learning comes by understanding child abuse reporting laws, how our legal system handles various allegations and investigations or how others may not have the same rights in our society as we do and often take for granted. The topics are endless. So is our ability to learn. 

I believe that ultimately the good that will come from this particular situation is awareness. Awareness of how many children are abused each day and awareness that abuse is not always perpetrated by who we think. Sexual predators are not just those scary looking men our parents warned us not to take candy from as kids. They can be our coaches, our teachers, our religious leaders, our idols, our neighbors, our cousins, even an older friend and yes, a parent or sibling. In your own quest to become more knowledgeable, I urge each of you to read this article. 

Through awareness comes action. Action is where the miracles will happen. It will be through our actions, not just regarding child abuse and sexual abuse in any form, but regarding ANYTHING, where we can each make an impact. We can donate to the organizations that have the resources to prevent such horrific acts from continuing to plague our society. We can volunteer our time, maybe even become foster parents. God knows our society needs good people to love and care for all the children seeking their forever home. Maybe that's not for you. There's plenty of unwanted, unloved, abused and abandoned animals out there too. Learn about how the media has sent us into a frenzy of fear over pit bulls; a rush to judgment over a loving and smart animal often used as a therapy dog! Maybe do a walk for a cure....choose the disease that most resonates with you. I'm sure there's a walk for it. The call to action is seemingly endless my friends. It is through this action, seeped in awareness and reminding ourselves to stop and think and refrain from rushing to judge others, that we will see the light after the darkness. Any darkness, not just this. 

It's the rainbow after the storm that I am always searching for and if your eyes and hearts are open, you'll see it too. 

Photo taken by alumni, Beth Updegrove. PSU vs Temple 2012

As always, any hate filled comments irrelevant to finding the good that can come from horrific situations, such as Sandusky's crimes, will be deleted and the person posting them blocked. This is still my blog and my self therapy, though I hope it's beneficial to many in whatever way it fits into their personal life. Thank you in advance for being respectful. ~ Jaci