Thanks to Jim Clemente, a survivor of child sex abuse himself, an FBI profiler and expert in the field of child sex crimes, I feel more prepared and even a bit more comfortable with what I need to talk to my kids about. I don't want all things sex related to be some elephant in the room with them, especially when they start to understand what sexual behavior is. I feel I have the tools necessary to keep that elephant out.
I wish I didn't need these tools to begin with. These still aren't conversations I want to have or even want to think about! I also don't want to look at every teacher, coach, babysitter and even family members my children are in contact with as people who could be remotely capable of something like child sex abuse. But as a parent, I'd be remiss in my duty to protect them if I didn't at least consider it a possibility; if I didn't at the very least think twice should an action of anyone who is in contact with them put up a red or even a yellow flag.
As someone in the counseling field who has worked with kids who were survivors of sexual abuse, and other abuse, and as a Penn Stater, this is a topic that has been on my mind nearly every day for over a year now. As is the case with nearly every Penn Stater and even Pennsylvanian I've encountered. You see, I'm in this unique position because I "get it". I get how Sandusky fooled our entire little world in Happy Valley; how he fooled law enforcement and child service workers and thousands of people across the state; how he fooled an entire nation. My education taught me how people like him work. Yet, as a parent, and one of the people who fell for it, I had a knee jerk reaction that it's just not possible. It can't be! Someone must have known. His wife, kids, closest friends, the psychologists he worked for at the Second Mile, someone must have seen through his pillar of the community, nice guy, moral, church going, saviour of at risk kids persona that radiated from him. Even though I understood that this is exactly how these type of offenders work and that persona is precisely how they get away with it for so long, it's still difficult to accept sometimes.
It's a bit like my my challenges with living with an alcoholic. I "get it". I get the things he says and does and that the lying and manipulation have nothing to do with me or how he feels about me, but in the moment, it's nearly impossible to separate out those facts from my emotions. Just because someone feels a certain way, it doesn't mean it's correct in regards to years of research and facts collected by experts. Experts in the field of addiction taught me this through my studies, but living it day in and day out is totally different! But, to me, if we can't listen to and learn from experts in their respective fields then we really can't progress as a society.
Had we not listened to experts regarding child physical abuse and it's effects, we would still live in a society where blatant abuse was permitted not only in the home but in public as well. I think people forget that it was only a couple generations ago that what we call abuse now was fairly common place for disciplining our kids. I'm not talking about spankings, which despite common belief is still legal with specific stipulations, but outright abuse; whipping, punching, kicking, etc... If we didn't progress as a society things like date rape and spousal rape would not be considered a crime. We have a long way to go in the area of rape and sexuual assaults against women and their punishments, but look how far we've come because people were willing to talk about it and to become educated on the topic.
No one wants to talk about child sex abuse though. It's simply too painful for our brains to process. It's too difficult.
But it NEEDS to be discussed... in every home, in every school.... in the scouts, in places of worship, at local YMCA's, summer and sports camps, youth centers, daycares.... anywhere a child is, it MUST be a topic we are all knowledgeable and have open dialogue about. It just must.
We talk to ur children about stranger danger and monster predators often but we don't talk about the Sandusky's of the world. The experts say, there are FAR MORE of these type of offenders than the ones we warn our children about. Now that... that is scary as hell to me.
As a parent, as a trained counselor, as someone who has seen the effects of child abuse first hand from previous clients I've worked with, as someone who has spent my entire adult life working to protect the welfare of children in various ways, I'm writing this post because I have been in a state of dismay over the number of people unwilling to listen to two renowned experts in this field, former FBI profiler Jim Clemente and Dr. Fred S. Berlin of Johns Hopkins University. They have refused to hear them out simply because they don't like what they have to say.
Say what the what?!?! This is jaw dropping; truly unfathomable to me. The idea that people would turn a blind eye to the facts about how to protect our children from such heinous crimes is just, wow, WOW! The foremost expert in our country says your reaction does more harm than good. Those are some powerful words I take very seriously. I feel confident in saying that the people unwilling to educate themselves and their children on this topic are more dangerous than the actual offenders. That's not a slight to anyone who has refused the facts these men discuss but quite frankly, men like Sandusky are all around us and they will offend no matter how much we educate them that sexually abusing children is not okay. That's a fact. The only way to prevent these crimes is for those US to educate ourselves and to appropriately warn our children. So, anyone unwilling to do this does in fact put all of our children at risk.
I've heard that my plea for everyone to hear these experts out is self serving. Well, in that regard, I guess it is. I want to make sure anyone and everyone who ever comes in contact with my children and your children too, know how to protect them from acquaintance offenders; nice guy offenders. I do not give a rats ass what you think about Joe Paterno. I do not care for one minute what you think about my alma mater and our "culture" at Penn State. I know who I am, I know what Penn State stands for and what we've always stood for. I know the lessons I have learned from being a part of that community; lessons I will take with me throughout my life; lessons I will share with my kids. And I kow who was at the heart of instilling these values into the soul of that town. What others think regarding this is absolutely irrelevant to me and will not change these facts. I'm brutally honest, to a fault at times. So take it or leave it but that's the truth. Period.
What I am passionate about, what I am adamant about, is how we can learn from this whole situation... and how I can be a part of that education process; how I can help. If you read my blog, you know by now that I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a reason for everything. EVERYTHING. Even the most horrific things life throws at us. Even Sandusky's crimes and the crimes of thousands of others just like him, many whom still roam our streets and work with our children right now! Yes, I said right now. Right now your child's teacher or coach, religious leader, babysitter, uncle or grandparent... whoever, may be putting up red flags you've missed because you don't know what to look for and you trust them!
I'm not saying don't trust these people or assume they are like Sandusky. I'm a trusting person. I believe in the good in everyone until they prove themselves unworthy of my trust. But I also know what to be weary of now too. It's just one more tool for my parenting toolbox. We all know we can never have enough to fill that box with when it comes to keeping our kids safe!
If I could go door to door to ensure every person I know watches this video, I would.
There are many things we can't save our children from in this world. There's so much to fear for them, so much that can strip away their innocence far too early. There is so much that can harm them which is out of our control. I truly believe this doesn't have to be one of those things.
It really doesn't. All we need to do is learn. To have open discussions. To warn our children that even people they trust can harm them but that it's okay to tell you about it. If you're a teacher, educate your students that even parents can do things that are not okay, but it is okay to tell them about it. To stop an offense in the grooming stage stops the abuse! To me, learning about this topic and fully understanding what it all means is not asking all that much if it means a child never has to be called a survivor of sexual abuse again. It's really not asking much as all, don't you think?
I urge everyone to get over their preconceived notions that people must be covering and helping people like Sandusky in order for them to get away with it. I beg everyone to become educated and not be a part of the problem. Please help me be a part of the solution.
What kind of society are we if we can't at the very least do that?
UPDATE!! 2/13/13 6:22pm
Jim Clemente responded to my question about a non-Penn State/Paterno related analysis of his on this topic. He actually recommened the work of his mentor, Kenneth Lanning, should you fnd yourself unable to get past his analysis that exonerates Paterno of any wrong doing.
If you google, "Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis 77 (5th ed. 2010)", a PDF file is available for you to open. It's over 200 pages but I'd imagine very thorough if you're serious about educating yourself on this topic.
You can also check out http://missingkids.com
I love your blog! It is so insightful and intelligent!
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