Rainbow Bridge

I'm sitting here trying not to cry so I can see the screen. I'm trying not to shake so my fingers can hit the correct buttons on the keypad. I'm trying very hard to put letters into words and words into sentences and to even think clearly because a couple of hours ago my entire brain seemed to short circuit. I went upstairs to my room to grab a book for my neighbor to borrow. What I found was completely unexpected. I saw my fur baby, Apollo, laying at the foot of our bed... and I realized he wasn't moving. I said his name. He didn't move. Like I always do when I call his name and he doesn't move, I looked at his big boxer chest but this time instead of getting that instant relief, I froze and stared a bit longer because I saw it wasn't moving either. I bolted downstairs and told my husband and neighbor that I thought Apollo was dead... and I wasn't going back up there. I've said this before since he can sleep like he's in a coma, so I allowed myself to have a brief moment of hope, the tiniest moment. In my heart I already knew the moment that I saw him. This time I knew he wouldn't be trotting down the steps behind them to greet his mama with his goofy boxer wiggle.

I've never lost a pet. I only had a cat once as a kid but my mom had to give it away when we moved because they wouldn't allow cats. As an adult I found out she didn't take it to a farm like every parent tells their child when they give their pet away, but she took him to the pound. So, I never truly experienced the loss of a pet, because Apollo was my first to lose.

My heart has always ached for those that have lost their beloved pets though. Once I had Apollo I knew how dogs aren't just dogs, they really are family. This dog in particular filled a void for me that no one else could, at a time when I didn't think my heart would ever heal.

I recently adopted another fur child because I felt so guilty that I couldn't spend as much time with Apollo, or give him the attention he needed, once I became so busy with my kids. I hoped that having another pup around would give him the companionship he craved while giving the pup we rescued the comfort of a safe, loving home. And a crazy, big fur brother to play with and protect her. All he wanted was to be loved, and to love. I hope he felt just how much he was loved until his very last breath. Actually, I wish it with everything I have so that just in case he didn't know maybe that energy can reach him wherever he is now and he'll feel it. Despite driving us a bit crazy most days, I loved my Apollo.

That's one of hardest things about this. Apollo was a very high maintenance dog. As such, there were many days when I thought how life would be so much easier once he passed on. I even talked about and looked into finding a good home for him, a couple times. His separation anxiety was beyond compare. Since a little pup with his little cast on, he's been a handful, to say the least. Yes, one of the kids where we bought him dropped him a few days before I was set to pick him and he broke his leg. That whole, oh dogs won't pee and poop where they sleep... yeah, not this crazy guy. He would crap all over his crate as a pup and them stomp through it simply out of spite! I came home from work one day to the whole guest bedroom splattered in his crap! So, we left him out. The first time we tried this he apparently jumped at the front door, scratching and chewing at it, trying to unlock it all day. Another time he managed to use his leash hanging on the closet door to open it and drag everything that was on the floor in the closet out and all around the house. The vacuum, paint brushes, you name it.

So back in the crate he went. He figured out how to unlock the crate with this mouth I assume based on the amount of slobber all over the place. We pad locked it. Not a good idea. He would flail his body off of his crate when he couldn't get it open to the point that we believe he damaged his spleen which is likely what led to twisted stomach which led to surgery for both issues. This was about 5 years ago. So, back to no more crate. Once we had kids the baby gates came in handy. Especially since he took up the hobby of counter surfing. This is a dog who would puke at least weekly due to his anxiety or stomach issues or who knows what but he could eat a pound of raw chicken off the counter and be just fine! If nothing else, Apollo was one of a kind.

Clearly, he was quite the handful. But anyone, anyone he didn't attack that is, because yes, he started to do that shortly before the kids were born, could only say one thing...he's such a good dog. In so many ways he was. Like I said, all he ever wanted was love and attention. Period. He was a 60 pound lap dog whose desire to protect his family often got him in a bit of trouble. He seemed to have a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde personality at times too and would often forget that he just met someone and they were okay and proceed to go after them like he was a momma bear protecting her cubs. Just yesterday he managed to bust through the gate, which wasn't latched properly, and jump on the mailman. Thankfully, he didn't bite him. But that also means yesterday was one of those days where mommy was very angry with her fur baby and the hubs was cursing him and well, today, today he feels a bit like he cursed him to death. And I am feeling so guilty because I can't even remember if I gave him a hug or pet him today!

I'm truly in a state of disbelief. I can't believe that my baby is gone! There were far too many times I dreamed of the day of not having to find someone to house sit him because he couldn't be boarded...the whole crate issue. Days where I wished I could just have the kids friends come over to play but I couldn't take the chance of Apollo jumping on them, or worse, or having him chew and scratch the door I put him behind while we had friends over. There were far too many days when I knew all he wanted was a walk but I couldn't because if he went after someone I might not be able to hold him back and keep the kids safe. I hated having to sit in the "bad doggy" hallway at the vet or waiting for people to come out so we could go in because he was just too unpredictable. There were far too many days when I thought life would be so much easier without him.

Now that day is here and all I can do is cry. All I wish is that he didn't die alone and I could have helped him or at least held him as he moved on to make sure he knew just how much he was loved. I hope he jumped right into my Pap's arms when he crossed over, because I know my Pap's been waiting for his best bud to come meet him again. It's the only part of losing my first baby that gives me the tiniest bit of peace right now. Because right now, I feel like he deserved so much more from me.

 

Breath of Patience and Peace

I've been writing to you all a TON. What, you haven't seen any of it? Oh, right, it's all still in my head! Have no fear though. I am keeping to my do more of the things I need to stay grounded, happy and healthy New Year goal. My sankalpa assignment, if you will.

I made it to a yoga class at my old studio in PA while there for the big event. My brother in law was married and our sweet princess looked like a real princess as one of the flower girls. Even the hubs cleaned up nicely as a groomsman.

               My real life princess!! 

Also while there, and since, I've read more nights than not, I've played with the kids, actually played, I've worked in the garden and yard a bit, cooked more and as a result of all this, or at least I'm taking it as a cause/effect, I've noticed I've been sleeping more soundly. Which is practically a miracle in my world. Though I'm still tired most days, after years of restless sleep and waking more times than I can count, I think feeling refreshed when I wake will take quite some time. And a good body detox!

That is one thing I'm still procrastinating. I keep saying I'll do it, I'll start cutting back on sugar tomorrow, or Saturday, or.... then that damn ice cream isle at the grocery store just sucks me in and I find myself standing in front of the cookie carmel crunch gelato I've become obsessed with and well, that's all she wrote with the well intentioned thoughts of a cleansing. So I go home and juice to try to make myself feel better. For those of you who are not familiar with some clean eating lingo, no, I'm not taking steroids! I put fresh organic fruits and veggies in my juicer and make some yummy, healthy concoctions... thus, I juice.

But, enough of all that. I actually have a free morning with nothing to do except buy the hubs some more hair pomade so let's get to some more of what I've been writing to you these past weeks out of my head. 

A lot it has focused around introspection (shocker) and analyzing my yoga career. As I gain momentum with building up new classes and picking up classes to teach here and there, I've found myself practicing less. Which sucks. And I need to figure that one out still. 

I've also found that some classes can really test my patience. I find this oddly ironic considering I chose to switch gears a bit in the way I help others to get away from situations that would bring up feelings I consider negative, or that I would prefer to steer clear of in my life. As such, I needed to contemplate why such emotions are stirring in me at times.

What I've decided is the one class that tests my patience the most is meant to be a part of my life. I can't fly off the handle after directing someone to put their right foot forward for a warrior 1 three, four, five times as they do everything with their body BUT put their right foot forward. I must maintain my calm, peaceful demeanor and PATIENCE! After all, I'm there to help them, to guide them towards their own inner peace through the movement and breath that yoga can offer. And clearly, anyone whose mind is that preoccupied that they can't follow a one step direction or who is so out of touch with their own body awareness that they can't find their right foot and place it in front of their body, NEEDS my help. And I need this sort of test each week.

I continue to struggle with yelling in the home, at my kids. Sometimes they need to be yelled at, they can be quite naughty and don't hear anyone until the octave is louder than them. But, I don't want this. I want a yell free home! A calm home. A peaceful home. Or, as peaceful as a home can possibly be with 2 young kids and 2 fur children. It's so difficult to break habits, as we all know well, so practicing such patience AT home is more challenging. And that's where my reframe came in as I was debating dropping this yoga class that tests my patience and at times I even dread going to teach.

The thing is, I have a couple of yoginis in that class that have so much potential to really benefit from all yoga has to offer anyone willing to learn. I look at them and think back to my days of practicing yoga in a gym setting and how much I thought I knew because I was good at the poses and smiling as I realize I knew nothing about yoga back then! Well, I knew it made me feel good. I'd love to offer them this knowledge but I've found it's best to allow yoga to develop slowly for each person. Everyone's practice must develop at their own pace and ability to accept it into their lives. Because in the end, yoga will change your life. Everyone needs to ready, or willing, to accept a life change, no matter what that change is, for it to be meaningful and lasting. To truly practice yoga, it's not possible to stay where you are now. Heck, to live life that's not possible! But that's too philosophical. I'm just talking about   patience here. 

Yoga is a lifelong journey. So, I feel it's my duty to keep going. To keep pushing my students who I can see have that aura about them that desires to soak it all in. To let the energy that is yoga sustain them each week. I keep going to help the one who needs me. The one who needs to find some peace. Because perhaps once this person finds some peace through their breath, they will find their right foot when it's time to bring it forward. And that is why I teach to begin with.

Though, in truth, I've decided to keep teaching this class as much for me as for each of them. The only way I can stay on my own path of peace is to stay focused on my breath. And Lord knows, I need my breath to guide me gently and calmly through this blessing of a class that has found me!

Namaste my friends.