Rainbow Bridge

I'm sitting here trying not to cry so I can see the screen. I'm trying not to shake so my fingers can hit the correct buttons on the keypad. I'm trying very hard to put letters into words and words into sentences and to even think clearly because a couple of hours ago my entire brain seemed to short circuit. I went upstairs to my room to grab a book for my neighbor to borrow. What I found was completely unexpected. I saw my fur baby, Apollo, laying at the foot of our bed... and I realized he wasn't moving. I said his name. He didn't move. Like I always do when I call his name and he doesn't move, I looked at his big boxer chest but this time instead of getting that instant relief, I froze and stared a bit longer because I saw it wasn't moving either. I bolted downstairs and told my husband and neighbor that I thought Apollo was dead... and I wasn't going back up there. I've said this before since he can sleep like he's in a coma, so I allowed myself to have a brief moment of hope, the tiniest moment. In my heart I already knew the moment that I saw him. This time I knew he wouldn't be trotting down the steps behind them to greet his mama with his goofy boxer wiggle.

I've never lost a pet. I only had a cat once as a kid but my mom had to give it away when we moved because they wouldn't allow cats. As an adult I found out she didn't take it to a farm like every parent tells their child when they give their pet away, but she took him to the pound. So, I never truly experienced the loss of a pet, because Apollo was my first to lose.

My heart has always ached for those that have lost their beloved pets though. Once I had Apollo I knew how dogs aren't just dogs, they really are family. This dog in particular filled a void for me that no one else could, at a time when I didn't think my heart would ever heal.

I recently adopted another fur child because I felt so guilty that I couldn't spend as much time with Apollo, or give him the attention he needed, once I became so busy with my kids. I hoped that having another pup around would give him the companionship he craved while giving the pup we rescued the comfort of a safe, loving home. And a crazy, big fur brother to play with and protect her. All he wanted was to be loved, and to love. I hope he felt just how much he was loved until his very last breath. Actually, I wish it with everything I have so that just in case he didn't know maybe that energy can reach him wherever he is now and he'll feel it. Despite driving us a bit crazy most days, I loved my Apollo.

That's one of hardest things about this. Apollo was a very high maintenance dog. As such, there were many days when I thought how life would be so much easier once he passed on. I even talked about and looked into finding a good home for him, a couple times. His separation anxiety was beyond compare. Since a little pup with his little cast on, he's been a handful, to say the least. Yes, one of the kids where we bought him dropped him a few days before I was set to pick him and he broke his leg. That whole, oh dogs won't pee and poop where they sleep... yeah, not this crazy guy. He would crap all over his crate as a pup and them stomp through it simply out of spite! I came home from work one day to the whole guest bedroom splattered in his crap! So, we left him out. The first time we tried this he apparently jumped at the front door, scratching and chewing at it, trying to unlock it all day. Another time he managed to use his leash hanging on the closet door to open it and drag everything that was on the floor in the closet out and all around the house. The vacuum, paint brushes, you name it.

So back in the crate he went. He figured out how to unlock the crate with this mouth I assume based on the amount of slobber all over the place. We pad locked it. Not a good idea. He would flail his body off of his crate when he couldn't get it open to the point that we believe he damaged his spleen which is likely what led to twisted stomach which led to surgery for both issues. This was about 5 years ago. So, back to no more crate. Once we had kids the baby gates came in handy. Especially since he took up the hobby of counter surfing. This is a dog who would puke at least weekly due to his anxiety or stomach issues or who knows what but he could eat a pound of raw chicken off the counter and be just fine! If nothing else, Apollo was one of a kind.

Clearly, he was quite the handful. But anyone, anyone he didn't attack that is, because yes, he started to do that shortly before the kids were born, could only say one thing...he's such a good dog. In so many ways he was. Like I said, all he ever wanted was love and attention. Period. He was a 60 pound lap dog whose desire to protect his family often got him in a bit of trouble. He seemed to have a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde personality at times too and would often forget that he just met someone and they were okay and proceed to go after them like he was a momma bear protecting her cubs. Just yesterday he managed to bust through the gate, which wasn't latched properly, and jump on the mailman. Thankfully, he didn't bite him. But that also means yesterday was one of those days where mommy was very angry with her fur baby and the hubs was cursing him and well, today, today he feels a bit like he cursed him to death. And I am feeling so guilty because I can't even remember if I gave him a hug or pet him today!

I'm truly in a state of disbelief. I can't believe that my baby is gone! There were far too many times I dreamed of the day of not having to find someone to house sit him because he couldn't be boarded...the whole crate issue. Days where I wished I could just have the kids friends come over to play but I couldn't take the chance of Apollo jumping on them, or worse, or having him chew and scratch the door I put him behind while we had friends over. There were far too many days when I knew all he wanted was a walk but I couldn't because if he went after someone I might not be able to hold him back and keep the kids safe. I hated having to sit in the "bad doggy" hallway at the vet or waiting for people to come out so we could go in because he was just too unpredictable. There were far too many days when I thought life would be so much easier without him.

Now that day is here and all I can do is cry. All I wish is that he didn't die alone and I could have helped him or at least held him as he moved on to make sure he knew just how much he was loved. I hope he jumped right into my Pap's arms when he crossed over, because I know my Pap's been waiting for his best bud to come meet him again. It's the only part of losing my first baby that gives me the tiniest bit of peace right now. Because right now, I feel like he deserved so much more from me.