Birthdays and The Butterfly Effect

My first son, my furry son, turned EIGHT today. Eight, wow, this boggles my mind. I remember driving from Baltimore to Lancaster, PA to look at him with a friend of mine. We were doing AmeriCorps together at the time and in less than two months our year of service would be complete and I was moving to St. Louis to live with my (now ex) fiance. Despite this poor memory of mine I often harp on, I remember meeting Apollo for the first time like it was yesterday. Maybe because it was the first time I really got to experience the Amish. Who would have guessed I eventually live in Lancaster for 3 years someday!

Youngest pic I could find of him.
Probably about a month after I got him.

I remember the breeder calling to tell me one of his kids dropped him, he broke his leg and I could get a refund on my deposit or a discount. I considered him mine already so of course I drove there the next day to pick him up, despite not planning to pick him up for a few more. The nuns at the convent I was living in during my year of service were very kind and allowed me to keep him there since it was just a few days. Yes, I said nuns. And yes, I said "convent I was living in". Yes, everyone laughs, it's okay, I do every time I say it too!

Anyway... little did I know Apollo would turn out to be one of the world's most challenging animals to own, my first dog and quite possibly my last, if Craig has it his way. He has had stomach issues from the start, I of course had his broken leg to deal with in the beginning, he's had surgery for a damaged spleen and twisted stomach, he pukes frequently, can't eat anything but his food, not even treats, he has separation anxiety and is now on Prozac for that, he has ruined doors, furniture, kids toys, carpets, snatched our dinners off the counter, he's also very unpredictable and has run after neighbors and acts like he's going to eat the mailman's head off if he's out when the mail arrives here at our new home... he's a handful to say the least!

Kitchen door and trim at our new house.
He went on Prozac shortly after!

Until my (less furry) children arrived I probably would have ended that last sentence with, but he's mine and I love him. Now his challenges along with my young children make him more of a nuisance and this makes me feel awful. He really is a sweet dog. If he could have someone's undivided attention 24/7 he would be the best dog around; the mailman may not agree! He was great with my Pap. It's hard not to look at Apollo and think if only.... I truly believe if my Pap could have taken Apollo he'd still be with us today. He loved this dog so much, more than me I sometimes think! It didn't work out that way for many reasons, but part of why I try to hang on and not find him a good home is because of my Pap. He would want him here with us, with his family. So, we trudge on.

Happy Birthday Old Man :)

But mostly Apollo reminds me of just how different my life could have been now, eight years later. You see, I bought Apollo to help ease the pain from my first miscarriage. He became the baby God decided wasn't meant to me. He provided me with the mothering; nurturing need I lost almost as soon as I accepted I was going to be a mom. I had a really difficult time dealing with my first loss. I've analyzed this quite a bit and will write about it another time but the point is, I remember it all, not like my second loss. I remember seeing that positive test, and taking three more! To say I was freaking out might be a bit of an understatement. I remember my due date was July 31. I remember my first OB appointment. I remember the names I had picked out by 12 weeks. I realized something was wrong on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, on my way back to Baltimore from a weekend of apartment hunting in St. Louis. I found out the next day I had actually miscarried somewhere around 9 weeks and had surgery the following day or maybe it was two days. My ex flew in, my mom, dad and step mom drove in. I was surrounded by so much love and support but the pain was unbearable. I just couldn't deal with it. I let that pain sit for too long and as I mentioned in a previous post, at one point was on a hefty cocktail of an anti anxiety, antidepressant and a sleeping pill. This was nearly two years later.

It's difficult not to think of all of this when Apollo's birthday comes around. He was my "replacement baby" and now he is a reminder of these terribly trying days that turned to years. A reminder of a life I can't even picture. I don't really even try anymore because I realize that there is a slim chance that Craig and I would have found each other again had that fetus grew into my first child. As such, Rylie and Caleb wouldn't exist. That's one of those gasping thoughts that turns all other thoughts to a hazy swirl of grey until they just wash away.

The therapeutic tree planted to help with the loss... 8 years later

That thought alone ends my wandering mind of the baby that never came to be, of what he or she would be like or become, because life without my two little munchkins is even more unimaginable than the life that was not meant for me. The butterfly effect of this one single moment in my life is truly remarkable. Maybe that's why I remember it all so clearly, because it led me to where I am now. It ultimately led to my beautiful children. That pain that I was so convinced would never subside led to many forks in the road over the past eight years. I made decision after decision as to which path to stroll down and then held on tight, praying it was the best choice.

So, the way I see it, Apollo's birthday is a reminder each year of how many years it's been since that pain washed over me, since my first chance at motherhood vanished. It's a reminder of how that pain, and a whole lot of other emotions, decisions and experiences in between, in the end led to joy, love, frustration... to the motherhood I was meant to experience.

Apollo's a good boy, he deserves more from me but at least he has two little monsters that think he's even cooler than mom so I hope he's still a happy dog and I hope he knows he's still loved!
Happy Birthday buddy! And thank you for the reminder each year of all I have.

Rylie loves to cuddle with her Apollo

An old one (obviously) but a fave,
Caleb at 2 months getting some lovin from is pow pow!