Career Mom

I'm back! I know, it's a miracle; twice in a week. Or more accurate would be, within 7 days time, because Sunday-Saturday is an obsolete time frame in the world of a stay at home mom. Which brings me to one of the things that has been weighing on my mind... oh, for about four years now. Wow, I can't believe it's been that long since I quit my out of home job to take on the role of mommy, a.k.a. Homemaker.

Every time I write that word, homemaker, on some form that asks my occupation I feel like I'm back in the 50's. I get this vision of putting a dress on every morning, doing my hair, painting on makeup I never wore to begin with, preparing some 3 course meal for dinner all while playing with the kids and teaching them their ABC's and ensuring they are read at least one book per day, because you know that's been proven to be the most important thing when it come to early learning! *sigh* Oh right, and ensuring the house is spotless... each day. Ha. 

My husband definitely came home to this one day
shortly after our move

 

I cringe every time I call myself a homemaker because all that is soooo not me. And I hate to admit it. I really do. I want to be that mom. That mom who says, I LOVE being home with my kids, I can't wait to have more running around... watching me pee and making it so my every other day ability to shower turns into, wait, when did I last shower? Yeah, not happening. I must have been having some sort of delusional episode when I wrote Hmmm, Three. I really do want to be that mom who bakes each day and enjoys playing dolls and dinosaurs and doesn't do it just because she feels she has to. I have fought every day for 4 years to be that mom. The one I always wanted to be. The one I truly thought I would be. The one I wished my mom could have been for me, because she would have been really good at being that mom. She was good at the single working mom thing too.

If you've never been a stay at home mom, other than those first few weeks when your job was awesome enough to give you paid time off to be with your new little bundle of joy or you made due and took whatever time you could, then you won't understand this plight. And that's okay. It is. I can vaguely remember the working outside of the home mom plight at this point. I have a lot of other posts you can peruse if you like, because this probably isn't the one for you!

I've talked to a number of mom's about this, read countless blog posts and articles, many of which somehow turn into some judging match of who is the better mom, which makes my blood boil. It's not a competition folks! Most recently though, I overheard a conversation that really hit home for me. A mom was telling another mom how she tried the stay at home mom thing for 10 months and realized it wasn't for her. She commented she felt guilty going back to work at first but her kids love their daycare time and they are learning a lot she loves her adult time at work. Ahhhh, adult time, whoa, what is that, I thought in my head. That sounds heavenly whatever it is! Especially since I'm pretty sure I've lost all sense of proper social skills since staying home. Example: when my husband gave our son another cookie at a party this weekend I yelled across the way to stop and get it from him. Because, well, when your kids are acting like fools and an earshot away, it's totally okay to yell for them to stop and come here, right?

I should note, my kids are allergic to dairy, add on eggs for my son, and my husband had already given the kids cookies earlier, like an hour earlier. It drives me crazy that he constantly does this because he wants to be like everyone else. Seriously? You want to make your kid uncomfortable and get his reflux all flared up, which the doctor's believe is what's causing his chronic ear and sinus infections, because all the other kids are eating cookies?! I can semi set aside my clean eating, no dyes, HFCS and other garbage in that sort of stuff when at parties because it's the only time they get those things, but when they are allergic to it and it can lead to other issues, I do sort of loose it at some point. Ok, sorry, rant over.

In the end, what this mom I never officially met said was a real eye opener for me. For some reason, I've never thought about going back to work that way. As in, doing it because it's what I need and that being OKAY! My mom always put what I needed or wanted first. At least that's how I remember it. She worked because she had to. I guess I had it in my head that's the way it should be. In many ways, it is. You're whole life turns upside down once you become a parent but that doesn't mean every. single. thing. you do must be centered around the kids. Does it? If you need to work in order to keep your sanity and to be able to truly enjoy your time with your kids then you should be able to dothat, without the added emotion of guilt.

I can't seem to figure out where this overwhelming feeling of guilt comes from each time I start to look for work outside of the home, something I've done more and more of recently. Actually, it stems from a number of places, both external and internal. But I could psychoanalyze those reasons until the moon is up. So, I end up squashing the idea of a job search because I can't take the guilt. 

I grew up in a daycare and I hated it. That doesn't mean my kids would. In fact, I'm pretty sure mine would love it. They are very social and I was very shy as a child. I liked being around adults better. I wanted to be home with my mom like most of my friend's were. Especially once I was school age and all my friends went home while I went to daycare. That doesn't mean my kids desire to be home with me above all else though. And that's where I go round and round and round and end up right back here. At home, thinking, why can't they play nice for more than 5 minutes so I can get this darn blog post written! And of course feeling guilty because I'm taking an hour to write it, rather than pretending to be a princess or a frog or making up what sounds an awful lot like a new language and then singing it to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star. Yes, both can sing that song but my son prefers to talk like a monster and/or create his own crazy concoction of made up words when he sings it. It's actually pretty hilarious.

I feel like I'm complaining but I'm not trying to. I'm truly at a crossroads I think many mom's have faced before and may be facing along with me now. I love my kids like nothing else in the world. I love them above all else. I'd do anything for them. I'd give anything for them. I live for them. And I'm beginning to realize that is precisely the problem. I somehow lost myself and became solely a mom. No one can be the mom they desire to be when they have forgotten who they are as an individual.

I had hoped being a yoga instructor would help alleviate this need do more than be a mom and steer me back on the path to myself. I loved my teaching time in WV. I loved having my own money coming in too. I didn't feel hopelessly dependent on my husband. Unfortunately, I'm having difficulty getting started back up since we moved. I can't seem to find the right fit here and it's beginning to weigh on me. With summer upon us, it will be even more difficult, as my 4 week workshop starting tomorrow can attest to considering no one has signed up yet. I had all my connections in place in WV since I did my training there. I keep putting feelers out and using every resource I can think of here but nothing seems to come to fruition and my frustration is rising. Thus, while I'm happy to be back in my home state, I'm also back to being "just a mom". I don't mean that in the sense that it's not the most important "job" out there, I mean that it's all I have. Like I said earlier, that's just not me. I'm not Suzie homemaker. And far from mother of the year. Huffington Post recently posted a question asking what the best age is. One response said something along the lines of loving every single age even more and how wonderful it all is. I can't lie, I definitely gagged a bit. Are the people who write that stuff serious?! God, I hope not or that whole far from mother of the year is more like bottom of the totem pole.

I always dreamed big and to think my ambition now is a daily to do list which includes a weekly goal of getting all four toilets in the house clean and for once not forgetting something at the grocery store so I don't have to go there four times each week, it's sort of depressing. Heck, I'd be happy if I could remember my to do list each day, and to put on deodorant, because lord knows my mommy brain has shifted into overdrive and I'm truly concerned about the number of functioning brain cells I have left. Seriously though, I want to enjoy this choice I made to stay home. I want to enjoy my time with my kids. At least more often than I desire to ring their necks! They won't be little for long and I'll miss it if I keep going like this. I really want to want this as my sole "job" but as a mom on a blog I read recently pointed out, this isn't a job. And she's right. Being a parent is simply a part of life once you are one. It's a responsibility, for life, NOT a job, or a career. Balancing on that fine line of it being your whole life and having a life is possibly more challenging that the whole parenting gig itself!

After nearly 5 years, I'm still trying each day to figure out that balance of life and parenthood. My goal is to figure out what works for ME, and soon, without the mommy guilt! Anyone know if that's possible? I sure hope so.

Return

Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still have this blog. Yes, I feel like the worst blogger ever for disappearing like I have. So, for the first time in forever I'm not making an excuse as to why I don't have the time to sit here and write. Though in my back of my head I'm telling myself to simply sit in this lovely jacuzzi tub with the last of my relaxing lavender salts, and wine, and just be still. Just once. Since I know myself well, I know that's not possible for my 100 mile per hour mind and I would quickly grab a book to fill the void. So, I figured I'd take the leap and return back to you all! 

And YES, I've watched Disney Frozen so much over the past couple of months that not only do I go to sleep singing the soundtrack in my head, and during the numerous times I typically wake up or am woken up by a little person throughout the night, but apparently the lyrics are now becoming a part of my daily lingo. Wonderful.

Aside from the incessant Frozen watching, reenactments and soundtrack singing, I do have a fairly good reason for my long absence. A couple of reasons actually. We have officially returned back to our home state! In fact, we are officially settled in our new home. Most rooms are done, most furniture is bought and boxes are a thing of the past. Best of all, we've met nearly all our neighbors and we are ecstatic that we found a neighborhood even better than we could have dreamed of for our forever home!

If the move alone isn't grounds for a bit of a blogging reprieve then perhaps my daughter starting her growth hormone replacement therapy is. If you've been around my blog for while then you may remember the plethora of tests we've gone through over the past couple years that left me in a bit of a state of anxiety laced with freak out, worry over things that can not be changed, mom mode. Well, I finally agreed to the 4 hour long growth hormone stimulation test, with the intent to tell everyone who was pushing for growth hormones to piss off once it was done. Didn't I get a surprise when the results came back that my little girl is in fact growth hormone deficient. We waited for our move and had an appointment with our new endocrinologist the first week we were in town. Less than two months later I was able to get her approved for medical assistance (thank God!), she was approved for GH (growth hormone) and we started home injections 10 days ago. Yikes! Even writing it all makes my head spin a bit. Oh, and my son decided to join the medical parade party and has been to the pediatrician 3 times, the allergist once and his new ENT once. Oh right, and an urgent care once. Despite getting tubes in December, we can't seem to shake an ear infection. Yes, all this in two months. 

So, please forgive me for leaving this little place in the dust and let's try to get back to all my self talk insanity, which I've been told helps some of you feel a bit less lonely in your own insanity! Hopefully no one has gone off the deep end these pasts months, aside from myself that is. And off the deep end I have plunged! A few times.

With that... On with the show!

I actually meant to write on Mother's Day. It was to be a vow to my kids that I felt I needed to get out of my head to make it more legit; making me stick to my words. Instead, I had an opportunity to teach my first yoga class since moving so I jumped at the chance. Then I helped my husband move 5 cubic yards of dirt into the raised garden we built. Good times.

Following that desire to get myself back here, I had one of my many epiphanies last week after a random online chat with my aunt. This major epiphany was that I can no longer be a grump butt (as we lovingly call the kids on those days we want to strangle them). I thought, hmmmm, maybe I should let all this self talk fly through my fingers in order to ensure it sticks, verses getting lost in this crazy head of mine.

Unfortunately, I didn't hit the computer and that little message to my inner self to stop being a grump butt only lasted through our home warming party last weekend. Basically, a couple days. I've since been back to letting others actions dictate my mood. I continue to have this ridiculous notion that if someone does something I don't like, or worse yet, that they promised me they wouldn't and then do it anyway, that me being pissed off at them (and the rest of the world for that matter) will make them... I don't know what I think it will make the person do. Stop their behaviors? Do what they say they will? I really don't know.

I know this. Yelling does not make anyone do anything different. And it makes me feel 100 times worse. Threats may work in the moment but, in the case of my kids, am I seriously going to throw away ALL their toys? As a former behavior specialist, I am more than well aware that idle threats will never work. Mainly because the person knows you won't follow through as much as you know it! I tend to remember counting to ten, leaving the room and deep breaths after I'm beyond the point of reason. The result... I stay mad. I actually hold a grudge over my kids not listening at this point, I'm that frustrated. So, that anger lingers through the day, and the night, and then I'm woken up 2 or 3 times throughout the night so I wake up tired and cranky and still angry and we start all over again. Because being in a perpetual state of anger is clearly a sure fire way to make others do what you ask and expect of them. I'll show them, ummm, or not. 

The same goes for my husband. Which is where this all began, as many of you know. My emotional state tends to be 100% centered around his drinking. The good days are clear to all who know me and the bad ones are just as obvious. Considering I have that erroneous notion that holding on to my anger will create some sort of change, the bad days tend to linger even when we could enjoy a lull in the madness. Though I still feel I've made positive strides, there's days, and weeks, I feel I take 10 steps back. And that is likely why when I took a silly survey last night and it asked about my best friend, I had no clue how to answer the question. I sat for a long time trying to decide who my best friend even was anymore. I'd guess Craig would have to do the same thing. Which is really. really. sad. 


The worst part of psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions is that I KNOW what I need to release my insanity. I know what I need to do. The part that makes me feel as though I'm teetering on true insanity status is that I continue to not to follow through on what I know must happen and what I need. It's that ugly feeling of being out of balance with oneself. This is why each day I hear the words of one of my favorite fellow boys from the Tribe, Albert Einstein, rattling around in my head.... Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yup, that's me.

So, with that daily realization, I have returned to this little blog. I can't promise to dedicate as much time as I did in the past, but I intend to try. My hope in doing so is to return to my more sane state of being, which I managed to find here before. Being open and honest about our struggles seems to be the missing piece right now. That and more yoga. And as always, I hope this quest for my own sanity helps others realize they aren't alone in their daily struggles that life happily, and indiscriminately, hands out to each one of us.


I'll return soon friends. Until then, be well.

If you have a loved one you lost in the line of duty, I hope this weekend has you reminiscing of fond memories and I thank you and your lost loved one for their service. As well as all who fight for our country.

Namaste!