Return

Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still have this blog. Yes, I feel like the worst blogger ever for disappearing like I have. So, for the first time in forever I'm not making an excuse as to why I don't have the time to sit here and write. Though in my back of my head I'm telling myself to simply sit in this lovely jacuzzi tub with the last of my relaxing lavender salts, and wine, and just be still. Just once. Since I know myself well, I know that's not possible for my 100 mile per hour mind and I would quickly grab a book to fill the void. So, I figured I'd take the leap and return back to you all! 

And YES, I've watched Disney Frozen so much over the past couple of months that not only do I go to sleep singing the soundtrack in my head, and during the numerous times I typically wake up or am woken up by a little person throughout the night, but apparently the lyrics are now becoming a part of my daily lingo. Wonderful.

Aside from the incessant Frozen watching, reenactments and soundtrack singing, I do have a fairly good reason for my long absence. A couple of reasons actually. We have officially returned back to our home state! In fact, we are officially settled in our new home. Most rooms are done, most furniture is bought and boxes are a thing of the past. Best of all, we've met nearly all our neighbors and we are ecstatic that we found a neighborhood even better than we could have dreamed of for our forever home!

If the move alone isn't grounds for a bit of a blogging reprieve then perhaps my daughter starting her growth hormone replacement therapy is. If you've been around my blog for while then you may remember the plethora of tests we've gone through over the past couple years that left me in a bit of a state of anxiety laced with freak out, worry over things that can not be changed, mom mode. Well, I finally agreed to the 4 hour long growth hormone stimulation test, with the intent to tell everyone who was pushing for growth hormones to piss off once it was done. Didn't I get a surprise when the results came back that my little girl is in fact growth hormone deficient. We waited for our move and had an appointment with our new endocrinologist the first week we were in town. Less than two months later I was able to get her approved for medical assistance (thank God!), she was approved for GH (growth hormone) and we started home injections 10 days ago. Yikes! Even writing it all makes my head spin a bit. Oh, and my son decided to join the medical parade party and has been to the pediatrician 3 times, the allergist once and his new ENT once. Oh right, and an urgent care once. Despite getting tubes in December, we can't seem to shake an ear infection. Yes, all this in two months. 

So, please forgive me for leaving this little place in the dust and let's try to get back to all my self talk insanity, which I've been told helps some of you feel a bit less lonely in your own insanity! Hopefully no one has gone off the deep end these pasts months, aside from myself that is. And off the deep end I have plunged! A few times.

With that... On with the show!

I actually meant to write on Mother's Day. It was to be a vow to my kids that I felt I needed to get out of my head to make it more legit; making me stick to my words. Instead, I had an opportunity to teach my first yoga class since moving so I jumped at the chance. Then I helped my husband move 5 cubic yards of dirt into the raised garden we built. Good times.

Following that desire to get myself back here, I had one of my many epiphanies last week after a random online chat with my aunt. This major epiphany was that I can no longer be a grump butt (as we lovingly call the kids on those days we want to strangle them). I thought, hmmmm, maybe I should let all this self talk fly through my fingers in order to ensure it sticks, verses getting lost in this crazy head of mine.

Unfortunately, I didn't hit the computer and that little message to my inner self to stop being a grump butt only lasted through our home warming party last weekend. Basically, a couple days. I've since been back to letting others actions dictate my mood. I continue to have this ridiculous notion that if someone does something I don't like, or worse yet, that they promised me they wouldn't and then do it anyway, that me being pissed off at them (and the rest of the world for that matter) will make them... I don't know what I think it will make the person do. Stop their behaviors? Do what they say they will? I really don't know.

I know this. Yelling does not make anyone do anything different. And it makes me feel 100 times worse. Threats may work in the moment but, in the case of my kids, am I seriously going to throw away ALL their toys? As a former behavior specialist, I am more than well aware that idle threats will never work. Mainly because the person knows you won't follow through as much as you know it! I tend to remember counting to ten, leaving the room and deep breaths after I'm beyond the point of reason. The result... I stay mad. I actually hold a grudge over my kids not listening at this point, I'm that frustrated. So, that anger lingers through the day, and the night, and then I'm woken up 2 or 3 times throughout the night so I wake up tired and cranky and still angry and we start all over again. Because being in a perpetual state of anger is clearly a sure fire way to make others do what you ask and expect of them. I'll show them, ummm, or not. 

The same goes for my husband. Which is where this all began, as many of you know. My emotional state tends to be 100% centered around his drinking. The good days are clear to all who know me and the bad ones are just as obvious. Considering I have that erroneous notion that holding on to my anger will create some sort of change, the bad days tend to linger even when we could enjoy a lull in the madness. Though I still feel I've made positive strides, there's days, and weeks, I feel I take 10 steps back. And that is likely why when I took a silly survey last night and it asked about my best friend, I had no clue how to answer the question. I sat for a long time trying to decide who my best friend even was anymore. I'd guess Craig would have to do the same thing. Which is really. really. sad. 


The worst part of psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions is that I KNOW what I need to release my insanity. I know what I need to do. The part that makes me feel as though I'm teetering on true insanity status is that I continue to not to follow through on what I know must happen and what I need. It's that ugly feeling of being out of balance with oneself. This is why each day I hear the words of one of my favorite fellow boys from the Tribe, Albert Einstein, rattling around in my head.... Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yup, that's me.

So, with that daily realization, I have returned to this little blog. I can't promise to dedicate as much time as I did in the past, but I intend to try. My hope in doing so is to return to my more sane state of being, which I managed to find here before. Being open and honest about our struggles seems to be the missing piece right now. That and more yoga. And as always, I hope this quest for my own sanity helps others realize they aren't alone in their daily struggles that life happily, and indiscriminately, hands out to each one of us.


I'll return soon friends. Until then, be well.

If you have a loved one you lost in the line of duty, I hope this weekend has you reminiscing of fond memories and I thank you and your lost loved one for their service. As well as all who fight for our country.

Namaste!