Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Very Much (as I take a bow)

I always thought it would be so cool to have a bunch of buttons of the blog awards I've been honored with, like I see on other bloggers pages. Then I thought, well damn, I don't even know how to grab those darn buttons anyway! But it would still be pretty cool to know at least someone thinks my blog rocks.

Well guess what?! Someone does! Last week I received a message from  Risa at Count My Blessings that I was nominated for the Liebster award. I was pretty psyched. Which you may not think so since this was LAST WEEK, but I swear I was... and still am!

The thing is, I was already working on my who am I, who are you post, with my hell hath no fury in in the works. I was a blogging machine! Then I was away all weekend to celebrate my boy's 2nd bday. The husband is out of the country all week and sooooo, I'm just getting around to accepting this award, which I am quite honored to receive.

Here's how it works. I've got some more questions to answer. Eleven to be exact. Some overlap from my recent post, sorry. Then I have to come up with my own 11 questions and then nominate some blogger peeps I feel worthy of this award. Eleven again. Only issue is, I tend to follow pretty popular blogs and this is more for the "up and comers". And, a number of those with less than a couple hundred followers that I do follow have already received this honor. Guess I have some good taste in blogs to follow, huh?! So, I'll nominate the few I can and if I find some more awesomeness out there, I'll just tag them later. Sound good? Good. Here we go.


1. Why did you decide to start blogging?
Copy and pasting this one...
To keep my self talk from driving me completely insane and to connect with others who are going through similar experiences. I do this for both support and to hopefully help others through being honest about how I am dealing with this thing called life. Before being a mommy I was a therapist (mental health), so it's in my blood to want to help if I can. I also love how we are all connected in some way and blogging often reminds me of that!

2. What is your all time favorite book?
Copy and pasting this one too...
I like easy reads. I LOVE the Harry Potter series and Twilight, Hunger Games and Girl trilogies. I mean LOVE in that I get completely obsessed with them. I ignore my kids, housework, everything... even have the book in front of me while I cook, eat and use the potty. I would put them down to shower and drive, though considered getting them on CD for those purposes.

Recently I loved reading How Yoga Works during my teacher training. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.

3. If you could meet any famous person, who would it be and why?
Elie Wiesel. I heard him speak while in college and I was mesmerized. By his story, his struggle for survival, his determination to better the world after the trials he faced and most of all, his forgiveness and faith. There are fewer and fewer Holocaust survivors still alive and while I've been in the same room with many survivors of the Shoah before, I've never sat down and had a one on one conversation with any of these people. To me, these survivors epitomize the Jewish plight for survival as a people and it would be an honor to sit and talk with him for a bit.

4. Who is the person that inspires you the most?
That clear from #3, no? Elie Wiesel... and Mother Teresa. And my mom... all single parents really. It's remarkable what they can do.

5. What is your dream job?
Oh, I have a few....of course I do.
1. Just finished my certification for one of them and have slowly started some work as a yoga teacher. Would love to continue that training though and become a yoga therapy instructor.
2. Running a college campus counseling center. Or even just being a therapist at one.
3. A relief worker. Traveling to foreign countries that are in need of aid. Any type of aid.

6. What is your favorite thing about being a parent?
Getting to see their wonder of life and innocence. Their giggles are rather intoxicating too.

7. What do you do to unwind?
Yoga, blog, go to Target or grocery shopping sans kids.

8. Do you think of Facebook (and other social networking sites like Twitter) as a good thing or a bad thing? Why?
Both.

Good. I have friends and family all over the country. World actually. It allows me to stay in contact because finding time to call and actually be able to hear who's on the other line is nearly impossible.

Bad. So many lies and misinformation is put out there at the speed of light and once it's out there it's hard to take it back. People believe these things and I feel like we are becoming a more ignorant society from it.

9. What is your all time favorite TV show?
Hmmm. Obviously has changed over the years. My favorite at 5 was different at 12, 22 and now! But I'd have to go with Rosewell. Damn, Felicity is up there too. And Friends...

10. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
No matter as long as my husband is sober.

11. What is your guilty pleasure?
Cupcakes and Lattes.

My questions...

1. Do you love to win or hate to lose?
2. Why do you blog?
3. What's one thing you wish was different about the world?
4. What's your favorite quality about yourself?
5. If you could meet anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?
6. If you could live anywhere, no extenuating circumstances holding you back, where would it be and why?
7. What's your favorite thing to do in your free time? ...if you have free time :)
8. Would you want to be famous, why or why not?
9. If you could reincarnate as an animal, what would you be?
10. What's your idea of a dream vacation?
11. What's something you try your best to avoid?

And my nominations for the Liebster Award go to....

Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here
HumanMama
Non-StopMom



Some may have already got this award but didn't have it listed on their page. Either way, they are all great and deserving...check them out :)

Hell Hath No Fury...

- William Congreve, 1670-1729

 

Or more commonly known by the shortened version... hell hath no furry like a woman scorned.

I always felt this saying was all too true. Well, I'm a Scorpio, so it's certainly true for me! Recently though, I've been thinking of this saying in relation to depression.  When I read the original quote, I couldn't help but ponder the symbolism even more.

Depression takes everything from you, not just your ability to be happy. It turns your self love into loathing. "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned". And it feels a bit like a woman scorned. It hits with a vengeance and it's only purpose is to make you suffer. People don't typically associate this saying with depression or mental illness but I can't help but see the likeness.

A lot of people have been talking about mental health issues lately, since the Sandy Hook and Batman movie murders, but what a lot of people seem to forget are the everyday Jane's (and Joe's) out there, like myself. The doctors and teachers... the Target cashier... lawyer... firefighter... our neighbor's... our friends and so many of us Mommy's. We aren't about to go on some shooting spree and most of us aren't "crazy", well maybe a bit bat shit crazy but not the straight jacket kind people are referring to.  But, we suffer from depression and anxiety and all sorts of other mental health issues nonetheless.

Of all the people out there, I think it's most difficult for mother's to admit and talk about their depression. For one, not only do people lack understanding but they are painfully judgemental when it comes to what a mother "should" be. And well, depressed is not something we are supposed to be. We are responsible for these sweet little angles whose smile could heal any ailment and whose hugs can melt the heart of the most bitter human being. We are blessed. There's so many who can't have kids or afford to adopt and who want what we have. We are responsible for teaching them what happiness is, how to work through sorrows and disappointments in life and everything in between. We can't be depressed because it will assuredly screw them up. Right?! Why on earth did we ever even have kids to begin with since depression has a genetic component and all? Yup, I've read that before. I've read it all and quite frankly, it just makes the depressed mother more depressed! These judgements ring through my head when I'm at my lowest point.

When I'm good, I could care less what the judgy, ignorant species think or say so that's when I'm working to build up those who are listening to these harsh criticisms. To educate and let truth flow! Like now.

Aside from my anger in relation to my husband's alcoholism, I tend to avoid talking about my own issues all that much. I like to focus on the positives, the good parts of life, the ups and downs that come with the insanity of parenthood. I like to focus on bettering myself, not only as a mother but as a human being. There's always room to grow and focusing on the rut you're in simply keeps you in that rut.

The truth of it is though, I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I've gone many years without needing medication and many years with it as well. I always fight it even when I know I need that pill again. It was no different this time around. My body fought it too. It took four tries before finding one that worked but when I did, I noticed a difference almost instantly, which isn't that common. It usually takes weeks. So, once again I let go of my own "shoulds" and "shouldn't nots" and told myself it was ok if I needed something to help me reset. If it means I can be a better mom, then I'm willing to do anything it takes.

Then I had some side effects, or possible side effects, which gave me an excuse to try to wean off after only a couple months. Not. A. Good. Idea.

I felt like I lost my mind one night. The typical feelings of worthlessness and there's no point to be here feelings came on in a flash after the kids gave me a run for my money all day and I was upset at getting so upset with them. I hate myself when I yell at them over what I feel is really insignificant things. Yes, they need to listen and follow directions and can't expect everything right NOW, and all those things that can lead to self-rightous, selfish little twits who talk back and have no respect and you just want to slap upside the head. But they are 2 and 3 for crying out loud! I can let it go. Really, I can. But even as I hear my not so crazy self talk telling me this, the more neurotic side is in there saying, this is it, if they learn they can walk all over you now then you might as well throw in the towel, you failed as a parent! The neurotic side often wins. That neurotic side is also part my behavior therapist side. But as a mom, I have. to. let. it. go!!!

Like tonight. Which is what brought me back to this post.. which has been sitting for awhile now. It was a yelling day. And night. And I'm feeling like a craptasic mommy. I used the word "craptastic" now 3 times today. Yup, THREE. The thing is, I started back on my little blue pill after the night I lost my mind and my husband looked at me like I was insane. So why the yelling now? I'm feeling good. Better anyway. Maybe I need to take the whole thing since I thought 1/2 was enough (which is what you start with, I didn't just making that up!). Maybe I'm just stressed. Maybe the monsters really were extra difficult today. Daddy is out of town and mommy doesn't throw them around and let them get away with anything. Maybe they just needed to let loose a bit and I was being too anal. I probably was. I can be anal.

I have a hard time finding that happy medium you need as a parent. I lean more towards the, follow the rules and listen to what I say or else sideof things. Odd, since my mom was the complete opposite! Granted, I listened for the most part. She even says she doesn't ever remember me being like these two crazy kids are. Today, I really could understand why my Pap used to pull his belt off when my mom and her siblings misbehaved. I don't condone it, but I understand!

So where do I go from here? Perhaps a full little blue pill will do the trick. Perhaps if I just stop making excuses and get back into my yoga routine more regularly is all I need. There's so many things I want and need to do for me to feel healthy, mentally and physically, but like most mom's I do for everyone else first and think I've been successful if I just remember to eat three meals a day. If I get a shower on top of eating then I'm really kicking some ass butt that day.

Yes, my daughter ass butt now. It's great. No, she didn't learn it from me.

So, to all my mommy's out there who have fought the battles with depression, or anxiety, or any other mental health issue that no one wants to talk about or that people judge you for, you are certainly not alone. Heck, I recently realized nearly every mom blogger or awesome blog page I've visited that the mommy in charge is dealing with some sort of mental health issue! So, alone is one thing I am certain you are not.

Depression doesn't define you... or me. It doesn't make us bad mommy's. It can, but it doesn't have to. I'd rather act like the woman scorned by depression than depression trapping me in "hell".

I don't actually believe in hell, thus the quotes. But this isn't a religious post so that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, I do honestly believe everything is mind over matter. If you want something enough, it will come. Because you will make it happen. Knowing I need a pill from time to time doesn't change that. It just helps me to make the things I want happen!

So, off to do a bit a yoga, because I need it... and I think I won the bedtime battle tonight!