Hell Hath No Fury...

- William Congreve, 1670-1729

 

Or more commonly known by the shortened version... hell hath no furry like a woman scorned.

I always felt this saying was all too true. Well, I'm a Scorpio, so it's certainly true for me! Recently though, I've been thinking of this saying in relation to depression.  When I read the original quote, I couldn't help but ponder the symbolism even more.

Depression takes everything from you, not just your ability to be happy. It turns your self love into loathing. "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned". And it feels a bit like a woman scorned. It hits with a vengeance and it's only purpose is to make you suffer. People don't typically associate this saying with depression or mental illness but I can't help but see the likeness.

A lot of people have been talking about mental health issues lately, since the Sandy Hook and Batman movie murders, but what a lot of people seem to forget are the everyday Jane's (and Joe's) out there, like myself. The doctors and teachers... the Target cashier... lawyer... firefighter... our neighbor's... our friends and so many of us Mommy's. We aren't about to go on some shooting spree and most of us aren't "crazy", well maybe a bit bat shit crazy but not the straight jacket kind people are referring to.  But, we suffer from depression and anxiety and all sorts of other mental health issues nonetheless.

Of all the people out there, I think it's most difficult for mother's to admit and talk about their depression. For one, not only do people lack understanding but they are painfully judgemental when it comes to what a mother "should" be. And well, depressed is not something we are supposed to be. We are responsible for these sweet little angles whose smile could heal any ailment and whose hugs can melt the heart of the most bitter human being. We are blessed. There's so many who can't have kids or afford to adopt and who want what we have. We are responsible for teaching them what happiness is, how to work through sorrows and disappointments in life and everything in between. We can't be depressed because it will assuredly screw them up. Right?! Why on earth did we ever even have kids to begin with since depression has a genetic component and all? Yup, I've read that before. I've read it all and quite frankly, it just makes the depressed mother more depressed! These judgements ring through my head when I'm at my lowest point.

When I'm good, I could care less what the judgy, ignorant species think or say so that's when I'm working to build up those who are listening to these harsh criticisms. To educate and let truth flow! Like now.

Aside from my anger in relation to my husband's alcoholism, I tend to avoid talking about my own issues all that much. I like to focus on the positives, the good parts of life, the ups and downs that come with the insanity of parenthood. I like to focus on bettering myself, not only as a mother but as a human being. There's always room to grow and focusing on the rut you're in simply keeps you in that rut.

The truth of it is though, I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I've gone many years without needing medication and many years with it as well. I always fight it even when I know I need that pill again. It was no different this time around. My body fought it too. It took four tries before finding one that worked but when I did, I noticed a difference almost instantly, which isn't that common. It usually takes weeks. So, once again I let go of my own "shoulds" and "shouldn't nots" and told myself it was ok if I needed something to help me reset. If it means I can be a better mom, then I'm willing to do anything it takes.

Then I had some side effects, or possible side effects, which gave me an excuse to try to wean off after only a couple months. Not. A. Good. Idea.

I felt like I lost my mind one night. The typical feelings of worthlessness and there's no point to be here feelings came on in a flash after the kids gave me a run for my money all day and I was upset at getting so upset with them. I hate myself when I yell at them over what I feel is really insignificant things. Yes, they need to listen and follow directions and can't expect everything right NOW, and all those things that can lead to self-rightous, selfish little twits who talk back and have no respect and you just want to slap upside the head. But they are 2 and 3 for crying out loud! I can let it go. Really, I can. But even as I hear my not so crazy self talk telling me this, the more neurotic side is in there saying, this is it, if they learn they can walk all over you now then you might as well throw in the towel, you failed as a parent! The neurotic side often wins. That neurotic side is also part my behavior therapist side. But as a mom, I have. to. let. it. go!!!

Like tonight. Which is what brought me back to this post.. which has been sitting for awhile now. It was a yelling day. And night. And I'm feeling like a craptasic mommy. I used the word "craptastic" now 3 times today. Yup, THREE. The thing is, I started back on my little blue pill after the night I lost my mind and my husband looked at me like I was insane. So why the yelling now? I'm feeling good. Better anyway. Maybe I need to take the whole thing since I thought 1/2 was enough (which is what you start with, I didn't just making that up!). Maybe I'm just stressed. Maybe the monsters really were extra difficult today. Daddy is out of town and mommy doesn't throw them around and let them get away with anything. Maybe they just needed to let loose a bit and I was being too anal. I probably was. I can be anal.

I have a hard time finding that happy medium you need as a parent. I lean more towards the, follow the rules and listen to what I say or else sideof things. Odd, since my mom was the complete opposite! Granted, I listened for the most part. She even says she doesn't ever remember me being like these two crazy kids are. Today, I really could understand why my Pap used to pull his belt off when my mom and her siblings misbehaved. I don't condone it, but I understand!

So where do I go from here? Perhaps a full little blue pill will do the trick. Perhaps if I just stop making excuses and get back into my yoga routine more regularly is all I need. There's so many things I want and need to do for me to feel healthy, mentally and physically, but like most mom's I do for everyone else first and think I've been successful if I just remember to eat three meals a day. If I get a shower on top of eating then I'm really kicking some ass butt that day.

Yes, my daughter ass butt now. It's great. No, she didn't learn it from me.

So, to all my mommy's out there who have fought the battles with depression, or anxiety, or any other mental health issue that no one wants to talk about or that people judge you for, you are certainly not alone. Heck, I recently realized nearly every mom blogger or awesome blog page I've visited that the mommy in charge is dealing with some sort of mental health issue! So, alone is one thing I am certain you are not.

Depression doesn't define you... or me. It doesn't make us bad mommy's. It can, but it doesn't have to. I'd rather act like the woman scorned by depression than depression trapping me in "hell".

I don't actually believe in hell, thus the quotes. But this isn't a religious post so that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, I do honestly believe everything is mind over matter. If you want something enough, it will come. Because you will make it happen. Knowing I need a pill from time to time doesn't change that. It just helps me to make the things I want happen!

So, off to do a bit a yoga, because I need it... and I think I won the bedtime battle tonight!