My baby turned three nearly a month ago now. THREE. yikes! Wasn't it yesterday I was eating nachos, watching The Next Food Network Star when it hit me, and the anxiety of the unknown set in, that my little girl was ready to meet us? Yet that was somehow three. years. ago. Time is passing so fast it makes me realize that in no time my baby, sorry, my "big girl", will be starting school, a teenager, a young woman, leaving us for college and starting a life of her very own! I know, I know, I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. But seriously, it is already flying by.
I wanted to write a letter to her for her birthday but I had just written one recently and thought much of it would be the same. It was just this whole "you're not special" thing was big around that time and I thought I should put my two cents in so she would understand why her daddy and I 100% agree with this notion.
So, here goes.
Hey big girl....
I've been thinking a lot about how we can help you grow into that strong and confident young woman ready to take on the world with what seems like endless obstacles working against us. How can we help you reach your full potential and achieve great things? That question is always floating around my head especially when I say something to you that you may not understand and take the wrong way. You're so young and impressionable and I'm keenly aware that the things I say now can become deeply rooted messages you learn and take to heart. I try to choose my words carefully but well, you're three, and a lot of times that is very hard to do in the moment!
When you're being difficult I try very hard to word it "that's bad" because YOU ARE NOT BAD. I try to remind you all the time that you're a good girl because lets face it, you get in trouble a lot. I worry that I get too frustrated with you too often and you might start to think you're not a good person. Or worse, that you might start to think you're not loved. It's impossible to predict how you might interpret things in that little head of yours. I could do it all "right" and you could still think you're not good enough. And we both know I don't do it "right" most of the time, so mostly I just worry that I'm totally screwing you up!
This adds to my worry because your daddy and I agree with this notion that many people are talking about lately, this idea that you're not special. (click link if you're not sure what I'm talking about) I worry that you will take that the wrong way and well, not think you're special.
So, with all this floating around my head, I needed to clarify something for you my big girl. You ARE special. To us. It's just that, other than your family, that's pretty much where any of your "entitled" specialness ends. We know you, we know what you're made of and we know that everything about you is so very special and we love you. That unconditional love entitles you to being special in our hearts.... always. There are very subtle differences in these words, "entitled", "special", "love"... and it is certainly much too complex for a 3 year old to understand of course. But someday, you'll need to understand. And I'm also more aware of how quickly that day will be here and I don't want to be looking on at my 12 year old throwing a tantrum because you weren't put in the game after only going to 1/2 the practices or even bothering to put the time and effort into it, whatever the "it" turns out to be. Or worse yet, crying over a 5th place trophy that should never even exist to begin with.
We aren't the coddling type. If you get a 15th place ribbon we aren't going to tell you that you're the best. You weren't the best. And that's okay. As long as you tried your best and had fun then we'll be happy, and if you want, we'll just keep practicing and try again to do better next time. But don't expect any "you were awesome, you should have won" crap. There's a reason why we have a winner and a loser. It's an important life lesson that is best to learn early, lest you think you are "special" or entitled to rewards you didn't achieve. One of my favorite lines from the commencement speech above was, "if everyone is special then no one is, if everyone gets a trophy then trophies become meaningless". So true.
If you get a C and didn't study we aren't going to feel bad for you or call your teacher and find a way to get it changed. You didn't earn it. You get what you earn in life and if you need help then you need to ask. Daddy and I will ALWAYS be here to help you work towards whatever it is you desire, but we won't hand it to you and you shouldn't expect anyone else to either. Nothing in life should be handed to you if you don't put any effort in, and there's no reason to be given a reward if you didn't earn it. I know Barney is teaching you the opposite of that right now but that's just not reality....
But again, let me make myself very clear... You and your brother are so very special to us. Just not to the rest of whole world. And that's okay.
No one who is or was special to a vast majority became that way by just showing up. They worked hard, every day, to achieve great things which happened to be recognized by the world. Lots of people do amazing things daily that go unrecognized by most, and that's okay too. The point is that YOU know you're special, that you are confident in yourself, love yourself and are humble enough to know that this alone doesn't entitle you to anything. It's important that you work hard and that you strive to do great things... for you. And that you strive to do good and help make this world a better place... for all of us. Sometimes your efforts won't be noticed. It's okay. Doing great things doesn't entitle you to being special. Nothing you do entitles you to that really.
Nothing worth while is handed to you, nothing. Anything that is isn't worth having anyway. You may end up smart enough to get good grades without trying very hard, like daddy, but push yourself anyway. Try things that are out of your comfort zone and if you're no good at it then feel free to move on. But try. Everyone finds their greatness by focusing on their strengths. It would be silly for you to focus all your efforts on being in the WNBA someday but that doesn't mean if you love basketball you can't go and play, or referee like your great Pap!
"The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life is an achievement, not something that fell into your lap"
Another awesome quote from that speech. Some people didn't like this man's speech. But I LOVED it. I 110% agree with him and those that don't, I believe, are the ones helping to create this world where our children get this erroneous idea that they're entitled and special and everything they desire should be served up on a silver platter. I'm sorry big girl, but you will have to work hard to be better than others if you want to get into the college of your dreams and if you desire a certain job. You'll have to work hard to get promotions. You'll have to prove yourself "special" to be successful in the "real" world.
You may choose to stay home with your future children like I did but that doesn't get you off the hook either. Rather, you have to help your own children realize they aren't all that special despite being the most precious thing in the world to you. That my dear is no easy feat but that is also what will help to secure our futures. Helping you grow into a confident young woman, prepared to work hard to achieve great things, not just for yourself but for society, is precisely what makes me special. Maybe not to the world, but I know I'm contributing to our society in a positive way and that's what matters. But I'm not entitled to the "specialness" simply because I'm a mom. I have to work my butt off everyday and it's hard work.
I know you can do it, whatever the "it" may be. While you may not be special to the rest of the world, you are uniquely you and so very special to your daddy and I. You can do great things, and I know you will.... so long as we can survive these treacherous threes!
Love you baby...oops, I mean, my big girl!
Mommy
Rylie is very special to many other family members. She is very very special to me. She is a blessing to have in my world & wouldn't know what to do without her. No body knows if she will end up being special to the world some day. She will do great things & succeed. She has 2 good parents to send her in the right direction.. Love you Rylie for ever & for ever
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