To my PSU family, Thank You! But I need to take a step back....

Note: If you aren't a Penn Stater... you might want to move on to my next post. This was simply the easier way for me to address many at once. Thanks to my followers in advance for understanding.

With this whole Penn State debacle being incredibly multifaceted I often can't decide which aspect to write about first. I could focus on politics, because to me, that's at the core of this whole thing. I could focus on individuals and their not so credible backgrounds, take your pick, Tripony, Freeh, Corbett... I could focus on the media who continues to prove time and time again how they have lost all credibility as impartial journalists and are merely like any other power hungry and money driven corporation. I could focus on the victims, which is one of the few issues I have always been passionate about. I did my undergrad scholarly paper on the effects of child physical abuse. I believe I got a 98% on this final assignment I completed at Penn State, doing the bulk of my research in the Paterno wing of Pattee Library.

I feel like if I don't write about the victims I'll be viewed as uncaring. If I write about how it has had a dramatic impact on me personally and the loss I personally feel on so many levels, I'm somehow the bad guy who misses the whole point of the horrors the victims endured. Despite having worked with victims of abuse for many years and seeing some of the most horrific cases anyone can possibly imagine, people will still accuse me of being selfish or not getting it. I'm pretty sure most of these people have never actually seen the physical and emotional impact of severe abuse on a child and I'm quite sure, they don't get it, nor would they want to.

For me, as I anticipate my trip to Penn State in just 5 days, the loss I feel is what is hitting me the most. Lately anyway, my emotions about all of this are often all over the place. It is this loss and the fact that I have accepted I must take a step back from all of this to regroup and focus on my family.

As I accepted this fact of needing to step back I thought a lot about all I have lost over these nearly 10 months and mostly I feel I have lost my image of Happy Valley. Happy Valley was a place that had this untouchable aura surrounding it. I used to enter this parallel universe upon turning right at the Snappy's onto 322 and the butterfly's would start to flutter with anticipation. It was like being sucked into this bubble of companionship, family and safety. Safety. To me, and I think most Penn Staters, I had this idea that nothing bad could happen in Happy Valley. Sometimes I wonder if that's precisely how all of this was able to happen. The Penn Staters on the board must have had this same idea and that's how they were so inept in their ability to deal with it. After they realized the Happy Valley we all thought we knew ceased to exist decades ago, they should have stepped up though, so don't look at that as an "apologist" sort of statement. Even Joe Pa didn't read the grand jury report until he was forced to because, really, how bad could it be? Nothing truly bad could happen in Happy Valley. And certainly not by one of our own. It was like we were off limits to evil, at least in my mind.

Now, we knew this wasn't exactly true, but it was the imagine I had. It was as if Happy Valley was the closest place I could find that was well, perfect, the world as it should be. From time to time you'd hear of bad things happening but in the grand scheme of things, Happy Valley was as close to heaven as mortals could get. It was my safe place. It was filled with an intoxicating energy I used to crave like a drug. I still do, but then I remember, it doesn't exist, not in the same way.

To have this image stripped away I think has been the most difficult thing for me to accept. It's like a world I knew never existed. It's like all of it was a mirage, a figment of my imagination. I went back the week after Joe Pa passed just to make sure Happy Valley was still there. I needed to see it for myself. I needed to walk down the streets, see, the lion shrine, the stadium standing there in all it's grandeur, the student book store and family clothesline, Baby's, Irvings, the CVS on the corner of Beaver and Pugh I used to live above.... I needed to see it all existed. Funny thing is, I keep forgetting that I no longer turn at Snappy's since the roads were redone. Instead, I don't get the chance for those butterfly's to start and the energy to suck me in because all of a sudden there I am, on Atherton, and I think, wow, it's all so different.

Now, that thought is an epic understatement. Different just doesn't quite describe it. Yet, in so many ways it's all still the same too.

I realized this as I did what seems like my constant scans of the many PSU facebook pages created in the wake of this mess. I have found that these pages I go to daily have become that place I lost. My Happy Valley. WE have become that sense of companionship and family and safety I once viewed as an actual place. I realized that Happy Valley is in me, it's in each of us, because WE created it. For over 150 years, those who came before us and those who have come after us ARE this Eden of my mind. This gave me comfort in the sadness of all it seems I have lost. You all have given me comfort. You all have made me feel less crazy for feeling like I've been grieving over this loss of a place. As a Jew, it's like you all are my diaspora :)

BUT, the constant scanning of these pages as to not miss anything pertinent, the letter writing, the endless reading of article after article that helps to fill in all the missing pieces of this tragedy that the media refuses to report, commenting on our pages threads and working to set the record straight in the hate filled comment sections everywhere else, including on my own facebook page, losing sleep over what feels like a hopeless fight most days, finding myself more and more angry over this loss, other's ignorance and just how damn unfair this ENTIRE thing is, from the victim's loss of innocence to the never ceasing things the BoT can find to put blue ribbons on, I simply can't take it anymore.

I am starting a new journey in my life, one I've waited many years to find an opportunity to take. I began my yoga teacher training program a few days ago. I've been trying to use my yoga as a means to help clear this incessant chatter over what to write to the BoT, the President, Bob Costas and everyone else under the sun. I've used my yoga to help me release some of this anger that seems to compound daily with each lie or distortion of truth I read. I've found I am often unsuccessful and have not been able to truly commit to this next step in my life because I simply can't let it all go. It is beyond all consuming. It feels like a full time job, as I know it does for most of you too. The thing is, I have a full time job which I committed myself to when I quit "working" just over two years ago. I have a 3 year old and an 18 month old that are craving more of my attention, attention I have not been giving them so I can stay on top of all this other stuff. This has compounded my feelings of anger and loss with that of guilt.

I also live each moment with the uncertainty of how alcoholism will impact my family that day. Lately, it's been impacting us a lot and as such, my kids need even more of me. I once again am faced with many difficult decisions that will impact not only the rest of my life but the lives of my children as well. I am open about this here because it's part of my blog anyway, so it's not "news". As such, the only solution I can come up with is to take a step back. I haven't figured out how to force myself to let go a bit as I'm not one to back away from a fight I'm passionate about. I'm also not one to back away when I know I'm right and want to prove that to all those who question it. That's my own selfish motive though. Either way, I need to take a step back, for my own sanity and for my kids.

Maybe it means, only reading posts on one page each day. Maybe it means not commenting so I don't feel compelled to check back so often. Maybe it means not taking part in the abundant writing campaigns. Maybe it means choosing a certain time of day to check in and sticking to that. I just don't know BUT I know seeing the same names each day, commenting on the same things and you all thinking the same things I do has been so comforting I felt I needed to explain why I wouldn't be around as much. I also thought some of you might have ideas for how I can still fight while being able to focus on my family and myself a lot more than I have been for months now.

It always brings me back to  "If I'm not for myself, who will be for me? If I'm not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?" My very first blog post and life motto.

I must be for myself right now or I will not be any good for my family, including my PSU family. I figure, if not now, when? I'm finally doing something for me, my yoga training, so I need to give it all of me or it's pointless.

I fear losing this connection with all of you though will send me back to feeling like I have lost all I thought was true about Happy Valley. I fear I will feel alone in all this again. I'm hoping the energy from the stadium on September 1st will stay with me these next few months to keep me strong and to remind me what we are fighting for. I'm hoping whatever way I decide to step back will sustain me. I'm hoping many of you have some ideas for stepping back while not feeling like I'm too overwhelmed to take care of myself and my family the way I want and need to. I'm hoping those of you have have "friended" me will help keep me in the loop so I can remain educated on the truth and be able to combat the ignorance as it presents itself to me.

I'm REALLY hoping that my yoga practice and teacher training will help me refocus to a point I am able to do ALL of this... all I have been doing to fight for the truth AND allowing me enough time for my training and my family and still getting some sleep!

I love Penn State, I love my Penn State family and I consider each of you family, especially those I've been "talking to" to months now. I dream each day I will wake up to the breaking news of the truth and I know with so many fighting day in and day out one day we will. So.... Fight On Family! I'll be back soon.

We Are....