The Beginning of the End

 

Okay okay I may be being a bit melodramatic here but my babies started preschool today! I think after living in 24/7 mommyville for over 27 months I have earned the right to be a tiny bit dramatic right now.

Seriously though, aside from the heart palpitations and feeling like an emotionally stunted mommy because I didn't cry when I left my children with complete strangers, it's a bit freeing. I'm actually at a coffee shop enjoying a vanilla latte while I write to you all on my iPad! Holy what the... by myself at a coffee shop doing what? Relaxing at 9:30 am?? I can't complain! Despite wishing I had a Xanax about now, I can't complain.

I've been waiting for this moment to write because I've been struggling with time management lately. And organization. Those who know me well, yes, I said and organization! I used to be a bit nazi-ish when it came to organization. My label maker was one of my most prized possessions! No one warned me that after the nesting phase any organization abilities would float away to some far away land known as prekid life.  Adding yoga practice, meditation, a yoga journal and readings into my daily mix has really stretched me thin. Rylie started back to gymnastics plus my two night yoga teacher training classes.... It's busy at the Hoosier house! Oh... and I have an "assignment" to do a selfless act (seva) each day.

As far as the seva goes, it is very much in line with tikkun olam (or repairing the world) in Judaism, so I love it. Normally I would like to volunteer, donate or something of the like but I can't volunteer much with a 1 & 3 year old in tow and we would be broke if I donated everyday so I've been struggling a bit with the selfless acts thing. I find this incredibly ironic since I don't feel like I do much for myself which leaves me a bit stuck.. So, I asked if feeding my kids each day could count as my seva. It's without a doubt a selfless act. My yoga instructor laughed and said, "if you think so, I mean, they need to eat THREE times a day" I added... PLUS SNACK! She gets it. But, I haven't used it, yet.

Okay, I digressed a bit. This is supposed to be about the beginning of the end... Isn't that what school is? Everyone says once the kids start school time flashes before you like a lightening bolt and all of a sudden you're looking at your middle schoolers debating if you should send them off to boarding school before they end up buried in the back yard, then you're visiting colleges and poof, your home is kid free again and you think, wasn't I just freaking out in that coffee shop writing about my babies starting preschool?

This is a big deal! I'm trying to stay focused and not get too far ahead of myself, like worrying about college tuition, heck, I'm worried enough about preschool and next year's Montessori school tuition! More than anything though, I think I'm liking this tiny bit of freedom. I don't wish with these years away and I know time will fly even faster now and in 10 and 20 years I will probably be telling new moms those words that often make me want to punch the person speaking... enjoy it now, it goes so fast... But as much as my days swirl into one big long day and I often feel like I'm in my own version of Groundhog Day, I also don't want this time to become just an old memory too quickly.

I want my babies to tell me they love me and give me hugs and kisses everyday. I want them to think the world is a good place and no one would ever hurt them. I don't want their hearts to break or for them to lose their innocence yet I know that even in preschool they will probably experience having their feelings hurt or that sense of feeling left out. They will start to get a better idea of what the world is really like, the good, the bad and the ugly, when I really only want them to know the good and beautiful parts. This really is a BIG day.

My biggest fear right now is no one will want to be Rylie's friend. That she'll be the weird kid who is a head smaller than everyone else, with glasses and odd behaviors at times. I also don't want her to be the one the teachers get frustrated with, like last night at gymnastics, because she won't listen, follow directions or sit still long enough to meet their expectations. Like any mom, I just want to protect them until the end of time, protect them from the many evils that plague humanity, the physical and emotional dangers of our world. And like every mom before me, as I sit here drinking my latte and my separation anxiety subsides a bit, I have to accept that is simply not possible. It's not reality, not how this thing we call life works... and thus, today is the beginning of the end. 

Now, I'm at a crossroads of sorts because I can view it as the beginning of the end of their innocence, their life from the comfort of my arms OR I can view it as the beginning of their lives as individuals. The beginning of all the beauty that awaits them.

The beginning of their lives, wrought with endless possibilities, sounds a heck of a lot better. So, I'm choosing to hold on to that today. Besides, they get to run to the comfort of my arms after these few hours on their own of learning and growing, making friends (hopefully!) and discovering what's out there. AND I get a chance to feel refreshed after some me time and to regain some long lost patience. I get a chance to be a better mom for all those hours I still get to keep them safe. It may be the beginning of the end but motherhood never ends so we have a long road to travel and I think I am as excited as they are!