I know, I know, it's been awhile!
I've had a bit of writers block. Perhaps that's a good thing. Might mean my incessant chatter is slowing down a bit! Or maybe not.
Mostly, I just haven't been sure what I feel like writing about. A few things have come to mind but I've refrained. This may surprise you but I don't actually share everything that comes to mind. Some things I don't tell anyone. A few I might share for some support but I don't feel this is the proper place. Some people can take things the wrong way. Another shocker, I know!
Anyway, I decided on something and then before I found the time something else came up that hit one of those buttons for me. I'm guessing most of you have heard about the Stubenville rape case and the two teen "football stars" who were found guilty this week of raping a highly intoxicated teen girl. Oh, and posting the incident on social media... including a picture of her naked. On top of that, it seems a number of other kids either saw or knew about this incident and did nothing. Now, the media sensationalizes everything these days so who knows who knew and what they did or didn't do, but there was definitely some nasty social media stuff and texting going on. Anyway, if you're somehow not up to speed on all this, you can catch up some at the link above. Or google it and read a gazillion articles about it!
The whole "football culture' thing is what caught my attention. For obvious reasons. I didn't buy into that reasoning... again, for obvious reasons (obvious if you have followed some of my other posts anyway) Though it seems there may have been some "covering" going on in the beginning, or at the very least down playing what we now know to be rape. I'm quite sure we haven't been told everything. Out of context reporting of text messages is, well, not exactly a true representation of truth and facts. Were these kids all permitted to run rampant every weekend in this town, drinking and partying and not being held accountable to any rules by their parents or authority figures? Did they say, hey coach, I raped a girl, can you take care of that for me? I mean, seriously?! I personally can't see it playing out like that in real life. That's a prime time teen drama series you watch on the CW each week. It sure makes for a good news story that can make a hefty buck. Stubenville is not the only town in the US that lives and dies for high school football. Bottom line.... the love and "fanaticism" over football does. not. rape. a drunk teenage girl.
Our culture that minimizes sexual assaults and rape of women is what makes these boys and grown men think behavior like this is okay. It seems most of these kids didn't even realize that what was happening constituted rape or that what these boys were doing to this girl was even wrong. Who in their right mind would post it on the Internet if they thought it was wrong or criminal?! They aren't stupid kids. They knew not to drink and drive. Clearly they have been taught right from wrong somewhere along the way and are not a bunch of "thugs". This isn't some hardened gang with criminal records and no responsible adults in their lives. These are teenagers partying. Quite frankly, our society taught them that such behavior towards women is acceptable and that is the real story here.
Don't believe me? Well, our media proved just how embedded this rape culture is in our society. A number of networks seem to be more concerned with the lives of these football stars being ruined than taking this opportunity to talk about how we as a society can prevent these crimes.
I'm guessing they will say they could only talk about the boys who committed the crimes because they can't provide any potentially identifying information about a rape victim. Plus she's a minor, which protects her even more. Wait, nope. They can't play that card since at least one network I've heard of allowed her first name to be said on national television!!!
Honestly, I haven't followed this all that much because I do not watch the news anymore. I can't believe anything they say so it's not worth it to me. But I was floored when I saw some of these reports. Initially I was angry with the parents, even though I can't exactly judge them. I can't say for certain my child wouldn't do something so atrocious some day. I know I'll teach my son to respect women. That doesn't mean he will. I'll teach him that "No" really does mean "No" and if she is under the influence, stumbling or not coherent then that "No" should be implied... and he should ensure she gets home safe. Period. I'll work my butt off to help both my kids understand the dangers of drinking. I know I can't stop them, but I sure as heck can try!
Then I realized that no matter what type of morals I instill in my kids, there are other forces to reckon with out there. The media is a powerful influence. Social media is powerful and scary. Then there's the good ol' peer pressure that seems as challenging to overcome as it's ever been. It gives me anxiety to even think about it all. It takes a special teen to stand up to their peers when no one else is, even if they know it's the right thing to do. I pray my kids grow to become one of those kids I hear about who does the right thing and defends those who can't defend themselves. But I sure can't guarantee it and therefore I can't judge these parents. I'm not in their shoes. Thank God.
Like these journalists, I can feel sad for these boys who were found guilty for their crimes. That doesn't change the fact that they made heinously poor choices. Yes, they were drunk themselves but they didn't think what they were doing was wrong. They were conscious and aware of their actions. Unlike these journalists, I can't think of these boys and "all their potential" more than the girl they raped! How anyone can put them in the spotlight is baffling. Rape and sexual assault should be in the spotlight. Awareness and prevention should be the focus. Resources for girls and women who have been victimized should be at the forefront of the storyline here. It's an opportunity to change the narrative and how we view these crimes. Another missed opportunity. That young girl's life has been irrevocably altered by no choice of hers... and people are concerned about the boys who raped her.
One might say, she chose to drink. Fine, point taken. But I'm guessing anyone who would say that would be the kind of person who feels a woman who dresses "provocatively" is asking to be assaulted. And if that's the case, well, there's nothing I can say to convince a person with that mindset that rape, is rape, is rape and NO ONE asks for it or deserves it. Period. That statement would pass a deaf ear and that is part of our rape culture. That has nothing to do with football. That is precisely what the media has the power to influence. I can't make people view the "rape culture" differently, but the media has the power to influence the masses. And this is how they choose to wield their power. It's pitiful.
I know many people had strong reactions to this case. Clearly I'm one of those people. I think my emotions about this are more personal though. This pushed one of those buttons for me because I was the girl who blacked out most nights in college. I was left at parties by friends not realizing I was blacked out, despite clearly being way too intoxicated to be left alone. I made extremely poor choices, the majority of which I had no idea I was making. I so easily could have been that girl. Heck, I may have been and I still don't know! Now that is scary.
I feel for this girl. I know how she felt when she realized she had no idea what happened the night before. I can't imagine then watching what happened on You Tube or seeing a naked picture of myself and being made fun of about it all on social media! Regardless of her poor decisions that night, she didn't deserve what happened to her. I cringe when I think back to those days and all I can feel is lucky. I feel so very lucky. All the time. I pushed my luck for far too long and am thankful I realized that drinking is simply not something I can do. Not like I did in college anyway. I learned my limit and I don't go over it. Ever.
I also learned that blacking out when drinking is a pretty common thing in my family. Maybe it's simply because of the sheer amount of alcohol we would consume. Maybe it's a genetic thing. Who knows, but blacking out is not a good thing! It sure would have been nice to know this when I was 19. Not that I was mature enough then to do anything different, but I like to think I would have. Now, how to I warn my kids of this family trait...
So for me, not only is this about our rape culture and a blatant disrespect for women being accepted in our society but this is an alcohol issue as well, and obviously that is something I'm passionate about.
I didn't really drink in high school. So I know it's possible to say no to peer pressure! But I don't have the answers. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to convince my kids to never drink. I wish I knew how to warn my daughter about sexual assault and rape without stripping away whatever innocence she has left at that point when we need to talk about these things.
I have no idea how to instill a strong sense of confidence and self esteem in my kids. I just wish my daughter could hold on to her "I'm a beautiful princess" mentality that she has no difficulty expressing right now! I don't know how to teach my son that women should be respected as I walk past a Sports Illustrated issue in the middle of the grocery store that has a woman's breasts barely covered on the front of it. I have no clue how to protect them from the evils of social media that have turned bullying into an art form and paved the way for true sexual predators to lure in unsuspecting girls who are fascinated by the magic of true love.
Like any parent, I want my kids to do better and be better than I was. I want more for them than I ever dreamed for myself. I don't want them to make the same mistakes I made. Before my kids, I thought I knew so much and what I would do in any given situation. Now that I'm a parent, and I see how the world continues to change and the dangers continue to grow, I can honestly say that I don't have any idea of what the heck I'm doing!
Perhaps working on changing our culture and bettering our world is the best way to parent. Volunteering, advocating, teaching by example. There's so much awful stuff to warn our kids about it's just becoming too overwhelming. I don't know any other way at this point. If anyone has this parenting gig figured out though, I'm all ears! Being a parent is no joke. That's about all I know for sure anymore.
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Namaste!
Jaci