Career Mom

I'm back! I know, it's a miracle; twice in a week. Or more accurate would be, within 7 days time, because Sunday-Saturday is an obsolete time frame in the world of a stay at home mom. Which brings me to one of the things that has been weighing on my mind... oh, for about four years now. Wow, I can't believe it's been that long since I quit my out of home job to take on the role of mommy, a.k.a. Homemaker.

Every time I write that word, homemaker, on some form that asks my occupation I feel like I'm back in the 50's. I get this vision of putting a dress on every morning, doing my hair, painting on makeup I never wore to begin with, preparing some 3 course meal for dinner all while playing with the kids and teaching them their ABC's and ensuring they are read at least one book per day, because you know that's been proven to be the most important thing when it come to early learning! *sigh* Oh right, and ensuring the house is spotless... each day. Ha. 

My husband definitely came home to this one day
shortly after our move

 

I cringe every time I call myself a homemaker because all that is soooo not me. And I hate to admit it. I really do. I want to be that mom. That mom who says, I LOVE being home with my kids, I can't wait to have more running around... watching me pee and making it so my every other day ability to shower turns into, wait, when did I last shower? Yeah, not happening. I must have been having some sort of delusional episode when I wrote Hmmm, Three. I really do want to be that mom who bakes each day and enjoys playing dolls and dinosaurs and doesn't do it just because she feels she has to. I have fought every day for 4 years to be that mom. The one I always wanted to be. The one I truly thought I would be. The one I wished my mom could have been for me, because she would have been really good at being that mom. She was good at the single working mom thing too.

If you've never been a stay at home mom, other than those first few weeks when your job was awesome enough to give you paid time off to be with your new little bundle of joy or you made due and took whatever time you could, then you won't understand this plight. And that's okay. It is. I can vaguely remember the working outside of the home mom plight at this point. I have a lot of other posts you can peruse if you like, because this probably isn't the one for you!

I've talked to a number of mom's about this, read countless blog posts and articles, many of which somehow turn into some judging match of who is the better mom, which makes my blood boil. It's not a competition folks! Most recently though, I overheard a conversation that really hit home for me. A mom was telling another mom how she tried the stay at home mom thing for 10 months and realized it wasn't for her. She commented she felt guilty going back to work at first but her kids love their daycare time and they are learning a lot she loves her adult time at work. Ahhhh, adult time, whoa, what is that, I thought in my head. That sounds heavenly whatever it is! Especially since I'm pretty sure I've lost all sense of proper social skills since staying home. Example: when my husband gave our son another cookie at a party this weekend I yelled across the way to stop and get it from him. Because, well, when your kids are acting like fools and an earshot away, it's totally okay to yell for them to stop and come here, right?

I should note, my kids are allergic to dairy, add on eggs for my son, and my husband had already given the kids cookies earlier, like an hour earlier. It drives me crazy that he constantly does this because he wants to be like everyone else. Seriously? You want to make your kid uncomfortable and get his reflux all flared up, which the doctor's believe is what's causing his chronic ear and sinus infections, because all the other kids are eating cookies?! I can semi set aside my clean eating, no dyes, HFCS and other garbage in that sort of stuff when at parties because it's the only time they get those things, but when they are allergic to it and it can lead to other issues, I do sort of loose it at some point. Ok, sorry, rant over.

In the end, what this mom I never officially met said was a real eye opener for me. For some reason, I've never thought about going back to work that way. As in, doing it because it's what I need and that being OKAY! My mom always put what I needed or wanted first. At least that's how I remember it. She worked because she had to. I guess I had it in my head that's the way it should be. In many ways, it is. You're whole life turns upside down once you become a parent but that doesn't mean every. single. thing. you do must be centered around the kids. Does it? If you need to work in order to keep your sanity and to be able to truly enjoy your time with your kids then you should be able to dothat, without the added emotion of guilt.

I can't seem to figure out where this overwhelming feeling of guilt comes from each time I start to look for work outside of the home, something I've done more and more of recently. Actually, it stems from a number of places, both external and internal. But I could psychoanalyze those reasons until the moon is up. So, I end up squashing the idea of a job search because I can't take the guilt. 

I grew up in a daycare and I hated it. That doesn't mean my kids would. In fact, I'm pretty sure mine would love it. They are very social and I was very shy as a child. I liked being around adults better. I wanted to be home with my mom like most of my friend's were. Especially once I was school age and all my friends went home while I went to daycare. That doesn't mean my kids desire to be home with me above all else though. And that's where I go round and round and round and end up right back here. At home, thinking, why can't they play nice for more than 5 minutes so I can get this darn blog post written! And of course feeling guilty because I'm taking an hour to write it, rather than pretending to be a princess or a frog or making up what sounds an awful lot like a new language and then singing it to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star. Yes, both can sing that song but my son prefers to talk like a monster and/or create his own crazy concoction of made up words when he sings it. It's actually pretty hilarious.

I feel like I'm complaining but I'm not trying to. I'm truly at a crossroads I think many mom's have faced before and may be facing along with me now. I love my kids like nothing else in the world. I love them above all else. I'd do anything for them. I'd give anything for them. I live for them. And I'm beginning to realize that is precisely the problem. I somehow lost myself and became solely a mom. No one can be the mom they desire to be when they have forgotten who they are as an individual.

I had hoped being a yoga instructor would help alleviate this need do more than be a mom and steer me back on the path to myself. I loved my teaching time in WV. I loved having my own money coming in too. I didn't feel hopelessly dependent on my husband. Unfortunately, I'm having difficulty getting started back up since we moved. I can't seem to find the right fit here and it's beginning to weigh on me. With summer upon us, it will be even more difficult, as my 4 week workshop starting tomorrow can attest to considering no one has signed up yet. I had all my connections in place in WV since I did my training there. I keep putting feelers out and using every resource I can think of here but nothing seems to come to fruition and my frustration is rising. Thus, while I'm happy to be back in my home state, I'm also back to being "just a mom". I don't mean that in the sense that it's not the most important "job" out there, I mean that it's all I have. Like I said earlier, that's just not me. I'm not Suzie homemaker. And far from mother of the year. Huffington Post recently posted a question asking what the best age is. One response said something along the lines of loving every single age even more and how wonderful it all is. I can't lie, I definitely gagged a bit. Are the people who write that stuff serious?! God, I hope not or that whole far from mother of the year is more like bottom of the totem pole.

I always dreamed big and to think my ambition now is a daily to do list which includes a weekly goal of getting all four toilets in the house clean and for once not forgetting something at the grocery store so I don't have to go there four times each week, it's sort of depressing. Heck, I'd be happy if I could remember my to do list each day, and to put on deodorant, because lord knows my mommy brain has shifted into overdrive and I'm truly concerned about the number of functioning brain cells I have left. Seriously though, I want to enjoy this choice I made to stay home. I want to enjoy my time with my kids. At least more often than I desire to ring their necks! They won't be little for long and I'll miss it if I keep going like this. I really want to want this as my sole "job" but as a mom on a blog I read recently pointed out, this isn't a job. And she's right. Being a parent is simply a part of life once you are one. It's a responsibility, for life, NOT a job, or a career. Balancing on that fine line of it being your whole life and having a life is possibly more challenging that the whole parenting gig itself!

After nearly 5 years, I'm still trying each day to figure out that balance of life and parenthood. My goal is to figure out what works for ME, and soon, without the mommy guilt! Anyone know if that's possible? I sure hope so.

Breath of Patience and Peace

I've been writing to you all a TON. What, you haven't seen any of it? Oh, right, it's all still in my head! Have no fear though. I am keeping to my do more of the things I need to stay grounded, happy and healthy New Year goal. My sankalpa assignment, if you will.

I made it to a yoga class at my old studio in PA while there for the big event. My brother in law was married and our sweet princess looked like a real princess as one of the flower girls. Even the hubs cleaned up nicely as a groomsman.

               My real life princess!! 

Also while there, and since, I've read more nights than not, I've played with the kids, actually played, I've worked in the garden and yard a bit, cooked more and as a result of all this, or at least I'm taking it as a cause/effect, I've noticed I've been sleeping more soundly. Which is practically a miracle in my world. Though I'm still tired most days, after years of restless sleep and waking more times than I can count, I think feeling refreshed when I wake will take quite some time. And a good body detox!

That is one thing I'm still procrastinating. I keep saying I'll do it, I'll start cutting back on sugar tomorrow, or Saturday, or.... then that damn ice cream isle at the grocery store just sucks me in and I find myself standing in front of the cookie carmel crunch gelato I've become obsessed with and well, that's all she wrote with the well intentioned thoughts of a cleansing. So I go home and juice to try to make myself feel better. For those of you who are not familiar with some clean eating lingo, no, I'm not taking steroids! I put fresh organic fruits and veggies in my juicer and make some yummy, healthy concoctions... thus, I juice.

But, enough of all that. I actually have a free morning with nothing to do except buy the hubs some more hair pomade so let's get to some more of what I've been writing to you these past weeks out of my head. 

A lot it has focused around introspection (shocker) and analyzing my yoga career. As I gain momentum with building up new classes and picking up classes to teach here and there, I've found myself practicing less. Which sucks. And I need to figure that one out still. 

I've also found that some classes can really test my patience. I find this oddly ironic considering I chose to switch gears a bit in the way I help others to get away from situations that would bring up feelings I consider negative, or that I would prefer to steer clear of in my life. As such, I needed to contemplate why such emotions are stirring in me at times.

What I've decided is the one class that tests my patience the most is meant to be a part of my life. I can't fly off the handle after directing someone to put their right foot forward for a warrior 1 three, four, five times as they do everything with their body BUT put their right foot forward. I must maintain my calm, peaceful demeanor and PATIENCE! After all, I'm there to help them, to guide them towards their own inner peace through the movement and breath that yoga can offer. And clearly, anyone whose mind is that preoccupied that they can't follow a one step direction or who is so out of touch with their own body awareness that they can't find their right foot and place it in front of their body, NEEDS my help. And I need this sort of test each week.

I continue to struggle with yelling in the home, at my kids. Sometimes they need to be yelled at, they can be quite naughty and don't hear anyone until the octave is louder than them. But, I don't want this. I want a yell free home! A calm home. A peaceful home. Or, as peaceful as a home can possibly be with 2 young kids and 2 fur children. It's so difficult to break habits, as we all know well, so practicing such patience AT home is more challenging. And that's where my reframe came in as I was debating dropping this yoga class that tests my patience and at times I even dread going to teach.

The thing is, I have a couple of yoginis in that class that have so much potential to really benefit from all yoga has to offer anyone willing to learn. I look at them and think back to my days of practicing yoga in a gym setting and how much I thought I knew because I was good at the poses and smiling as I realize I knew nothing about yoga back then! Well, I knew it made me feel good. I'd love to offer them this knowledge but I've found it's best to allow yoga to develop slowly for each person. Everyone's practice must develop at their own pace and ability to accept it into their lives. Because in the end, yoga will change your life. Everyone needs to ready, or willing, to accept a life change, no matter what that change is, for it to be meaningful and lasting. To truly practice yoga, it's not possible to stay where you are now. Heck, to live life that's not possible! But that's too philosophical. I'm just talking about   patience here. 

Yoga is a lifelong journey. So, I feel it's my duty to keep going. To keep pushing my students who I can see have that aura about them that desires to soak it all in. To let the energy that is yoga sustain them each week. I keep going to help the one who needs me. The one who needs to find some peace. Because perhaps once this person finds some peace through their breath, they will find their right foot when it's time to bring it forward. And that is why I teach to begin with.

Though, in truth, I've decided to keep teaching this class as much for me as for each of them. The only way I can stay on my own path of peace is to stay focused on my breath. And Lord knows, I need my breath to guide me gently and calmly through this blessing of a class that has found me!

Namaste my friends.

Betty Crocker Madness

This is by far the longest I have gone without writing since I started this blog a little over a year ago. Which reminds me, I missed my bloggeversary! Oops. Oh well. These last three weeks have been a bit out of control.

If you follow me on Facebook then you have a good idea of all the hoopla that's been running me around these past 3 weeks like an even more insane mom than I already was! Rota Virus hit the kids while away for the week. Or a stomach bug that resembled it but not as bad as some horror stories I've heard or as bad as my step dad got it after we left. Two pipe breaks at the house. The sound of jet engines is still raging in our basement as the professionals continue their drying process and making their best efforts to not pull drywall out. To be honest, I wouldn't mind it getting redone!

On the plus side of things, our new fur baby has finally arrived! Nellie is as sweet as they come and also quite scared/skidish. She still won't eat much, 10 days later, and hides in our bedroom most of the time. She's afraid of Craig, really she's afraid of anyone but me! I guess the crazy kids running and yelling and mom running and yelling after them and our crazy boxer barking at anything or anyone that comes within 100 feet of our home and all these contractors in and out like a revolving door this past week... she's not quite sure what to make of this mad house! Hopefully she gets more comfortable soon. She's quite precious.

Getting used to her big brother Apollo!

Smelling good after her first grooming!



Bonding with Rylie. She sleeps with Caleb :)

Probably the most impacting part of our lives though has been some new diets! We saw the holistic doctor everyone kept recommending to me. He did muscle testing on the kids and I. Yes, I'm aware that modern medicine thinks this is nonsense and many would call him a "quack". That's another post for another day! Anyway, I've been on an antifungal and no nightshades diet while the kids are enjoying dairy and gluten free foods for two weeks.

My son also had his allergist appointment and it turns out that "quack" was right with at least part of it.... the boy is in fact allergic to dairy... and eggs, tomato, some outside mold spore and possibly cats and ragweed. Everything was mild to moderate (eggs being the moderate) so nothing to really worry about. He can probably get him off his prilosec and get his eczema cleared up if we avoid these things when possible, which was my goal.

So basically I've been like Betty Crocker on speed these past couple weeks and THAT is worth posting about. I would not call myself a cook by any stretch of the word. As a matter of fact I avoid it when possible. But, in my quest for us all to eat and live "cleaner" I'm doing my best. I also have been quite proud of myself with some of the things I've made, via recipe and even my own ideas, so I thought I'd share with you all! Or more pat my own back, but who's to say you won't enjoy some of this delicious foods too?!

I jumped right in with gluten free blueberry pancakes hoping to start these diets off with a bang. Technically I shouldn't have eaten them since the flour had potato starch in it (potatoes are nightshades) but I haven't been perfect on this adventure, that's for sure! This one was simple. I bought some gluten and dairy free pancake mix at the store and made it to recipe. Just added some frozen organic blueberries in there and cooked them using coconut oil. Kids gobbled them right up! Actually, Rylie has been eating much better these past two weeks and Caleb finally drinks milk since we swtiched to vanilla almond milk. Which means he needs to potty train A-sap because this boy is going through diapers like a newborn now that he finally drinks! I'm not complaining though. I'm just happy I finally found things that don't hurt their little bellies.

Tonight was make your own pizza night. Always a fun one for the kiddos! I got gluten and dairy free pizza crust and we made our own dough because all the store bought ones had egg. We substituted flax seed meal for egg so Caleb could enjoy it too. We mixed it all together with the electric mixer, a favorite part for Rylie! It was a bit more sticky than pizza dough should be but we just sprinkled some of our gluten/dairy free all purpose flour on the pizza pan and my hands and it turned out pretty good. Even with the veggie mozzarella cheese. The boy ate two pieces! He must miss his tomatoes. I'm hoping that allowing some of the foods he's allergic to in moderation will keep the reflux and eczema at bay as they've been notably better over the past week. I mean, every kid deserve to eat pizza, even if it isn't the tasty clog your arteries kind :) Anyway, here was the final product! Sadly, again, I can't enjoy because we put yeast in the crust but I did steal a taste.

Since I can't eat vinegar it's made eating salad's challenging. I was thinking of how sick I was of simply using lemon juice and olive oil so while I cut some strawberries for the kids lunch I had a brilliant idea! I pureed what was left of the strawberries, added some lemon juice and used that as my dressing. So good. Then I added some raw honey to what was left, blended it again and poured that onto our new popsicle molds... since we were down to one strawberry pop left. Mmmm Mmmmmm. Too bad I can't eat any sugar on my antifungal diet so I can't have them either, but I snuck a bite in. Have to make sure what the kids eat is good, right? The perks of being the mom :) If your kids are like mine and love treats, these will make you feel good about what you're giving them. (these ones are not mine but from the recipe linked below)

Give them a try!

 

I also made a yummy dairy, gluten and egg free meatloaf just in case the kids decided to give it a try. Caleb had a few bites but of course they didn't eat it. It doesn't specify gluten free in the recipe but oats are okay on this gluten free diet or you can buy the gluten free oats. It was quite tasty, even Craig agreed, so it will be added to our mix of meals from now on.

I've been the muffin momma, moreso than usual I should say. I make 3 batches in 10 days! It's my salvation when I'm craving bread products (obviously no yeast is part of antifungal!) Sadly, the last batch turned out nasty as I only had 3 instead of 4 bananas but since they were pretty big I thought it might work. Not so much. But, these recipes are good, when made right and not overcooked! AND, you can make them gluten free! I used oat flour for each of them and the gluten/dairy free all purpose flour for the ones I was down a banana. Maybe they didn't turn out well because of the different flour?

This morning I made walnut kale pesto. Only 5 ingredients and it passed the husband taste test effortlessly, despite him being quite skeptical. I asked if I should freeze some and he said "nah, it won't lat long." I think I'll try it on pasta for dinner tomorrow, maybe with some crackers or carrots for snack. The possibilities are endless! The best part is this is one you can make extra and freeze so you don't have to be Better Crocker every single day. I'm determined to eat this not so tasty on its own superfood as much as possible and this article gives many yummy looking ways to achieve that goal! Here's my first one...

Last but certainly not least are these insanely delicious treats. They taste like dessert but can be eaten for breakfast or snack or whenever your heart desires! I've made them three times now in less than 2 weeks. The last time (last night) I doubled up the recipe. The kids aren't interested in the way they look so they won't even try them which was fine by me because I ate them all myself with no problem! I used walnuts the first two times before I realized it said substitute almonds or pecans if you can't find hazelnuts (which I couldn't). These are to die for, in my opinion. I didn't drizzle with the coconut milk because as some of you may know, I despise coconut. Which sucks given it is so good for so many things. I'd imagine if you like coconut, adding that little touch would be truly heavenly though.

Here's the easy recipe, try them yourself!

Mine!

 

 

And this is the reason for my long absence! I promise not to leave you all hanging for such an extended time again but I think all this deserves a free pass for this one time, right?! Well, I'm off to find a chocolate zuchini bread recipe we all can enjoy! Back to our "quack" doc that has helped ease my chronic pain when no one else could, relieve Caleb's eczema and we are just about fully off of prilosec in this house...all in two weeks. If we don't test sensitive to any of these things anymore we should be able to just focus on the dairy and egg free for Caleb but I think I may stick with the gluten free as much as we can afford to since something about all this clearly is helping.

 

Let me know if you try any of these recipes. I'd be interested to hear if everyone else likes them too! If you have any to share please post in the comments for all to enjoy. And feel free to share this with your friends. 

 

Namaste.