If Everyone Was Blind

Lately I can't help but wonder what our world would have been like if we were all born blind. When I first started my masters program in counseling, one of the concepts we learned about that resonated with me was how damaging labeling can be. Saying, she's "depressed" or "anorexic" can lead to the person suffering from such conditions to feel defined as such. And only as such. Once a person is defined as one thing or another it's much more difficult to reframe that thought and become who you truly are. Believe me, I know.

Like most things I learned about human behavior, counseling and sociological "stuff" during my years of undergrad and graduate studies, I was able to take this idea and view it in the grand scheme of life, not just counseling. It's part of why I loved being in school. Concepts like this helped me to make sense of the world around me a little bit more. While I was always cautious of placing labels on others anyway, and I remain aware of such things, this isn't an idea I've deeply contemplated in some time.

The other day I was standing in the shower attempting to let the warmth of the water falling on my shoulders wash my worries and stress away when I found myself doing what I usually end up doing with my sole 15 minutes of solitude... contemplating humanity and what the heck is wrong with the world! I came to realize that so many of our problems come from judgments of each other. Labels. I also thought how most of those labels come from our very first impression of another and that first impression is mostly dictated by simply looking at the person. What I ended up thinking was... I wonder what the world would be like if we were all born blind.

If we couldn't see the color of someone's skin... if we couldn't see the cross hanging around their neck... if we couldn't see the hijab or kippah covering their head, the tattoos down their arms... If we couldn't see the kind of car they drive or the size of their house or the clothes they wore... if we couldn't see how short or tall they were, fat or thin, or the size of a woman's breasts...

What if the only first impression we had could be based on how kindly a person greeted us, or unkindly? What if we only had the ability to "judge" another based on their words and actions alone? I wonder what would the world look like then. Would we be more willing to give those who give off a poor first impression a second chance? Would we find ourselves shying away from the man walking down the street who wears his pants a bit "too low" and whose skin is a bit "too dark"? Or would we simply sense a human being walking towards us and politely smile and warmly say "hello"? Would we start whispering about a man boarding the plane with payot (sidecurls worn by various groups of Orthodox Jews) and think that's weird so we shouldn't not talk to him? Would we point and gawk at the family going down the road in a horse and buggy in the 21st century?

People who are different than us tend to make us uneasy. We judge and we question them; maybe even questioning their sanity or our safety being around them. We back away rather than offer a warm handshake. Or at least a smile or nod of the head acknowledging the other person's existence. I mean, the least we can do is acknowledge a person's existence, right?! Yet we don't. Far too many of us simply don't. Instead, we form a judgment or place a label on the person. And many of those judgments lead to dislike and worse yet, hate. Hate for no real reason other than the fact the person is different than us.

As a Jew I've been more keenly aware of these judgments over the past years as anti-Semitism has been rapidly growing again. Not only in Europe where it's reached frightening levels, but in the US and around the world as well. A Rabbi walking to Temple was just shot and killed yesterday in Miami. And people question if this was a hate crime? Ignorance is bliss when it's not your people being targeted for extinction. I hear so many in disbelief over the atrocities going on in Iraq with the ISIS brutally killing women, children and men, burying them alive in mass graves, raping and selling women into slavery and forcing conversion or guaranteeing death.

While I've always had a difficult time wrapping my head around my own people's history of these same type of crimes against humanity, I've always been achingly aware that such hate does in fact exist. I'm not shocked by such stories. I've heard about them from my own people's history and am well aware that such heinous acts are committed far more often than I would like to think about.  Mind-numbing, earth-shattering, truly unthinkable acts of violence are committed against other human beings all in the name of hate. Hate bred by judgments, by labels, by being blinded by ignorance and generations of untruths told about groups of people who are different from you and from me.

I remember learning my Jewish history and reading about being expelled from nearly every country we've ever lived, including our homeland of Israel thousands of years ago... a couple times. We were forced to convert or die, experimented on, humiliated in ways that brings tears to my eyes to even try to imagine. Collectively as a people who have been questioned on why we never fought back (which isn't true, we did) we have said, ENOUGH! And yet every time we fight to defend our right to survive we are ostracized and condemned by the world and viewed as the type of evil those who try to exterminate us have taught their children we are. We are viewed as such evil not only by those who hate us, but by those who can see and even accept our differences, yet remain blind to the reality of what hate really is. Thus, blinded from the truth and understanding of the bigger picture and what's at stake.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those people. The kind who still believe that we can all get along and that will be enough. I wish I could believe it was possible to simply lay down our weapons and join hands and sing kumbaya with all those who hate us. As a Jew, I realize we won't survive if we are as naïve as we've been throughout history. We won't survive if we do not take these threats very seriously. Some may think we are over-reacting. That I'm over-reacting. I say, would you risk your life and that of your children by under-reacting? We are a people who desire peace and want nothing more than for all living things to love one another. Our scripture and covenant with God demands that we work to achieve just that. We forgive and we love. That's what being a Jew is. We fight the battles that make our hearts weep for the innocent lives lost because we know that our love of life and desire to survive will ultimately be the light that shines brighter than all the darkness of hate. It has to be or nothing will be left to fight for.

Those who label, who judge, who hate... they have somehow lost their ability to love. Or at least to love more than they hate. Without the ability to love, you lose your humanity. Without love in your heart you are capable of the unspeakable. Without love, you feel no remorse because your hate tells you what you are doing is right. Some may call that the devil at work. I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't God's hand at work, I know that much.

So I ask myself... would any of this be the way of the world if we were all born blind? In a way we are I guess. We're born innocent. We don't really notice the color of another's skin and we pay no mind to those who dress different, wear their hair different... until around the age of 3. Or until someone older points it out to us. Perhaps I should be wondering if we all lost our sight around the age of 5 or 6, would so many of us still be full of hate? I honestly don't believe we would. If all the books that preach to hate another group of people because they are different were burned and all the histories were taught as they actually occurred and we all lost our ability to judge by first sight once we were cognizant enough to realize that not everyone is the same, I think we would find ourselves in a very different world. A loving and accepting world perhaps.

Since I know none of that is possible, I truly have no answers for these questions that plague my heart. I've never been good at coming to a solid solution to the woes of the world and how to wipe out the sins of hate, jealousy and greed. My thoughts swim with the why's of it all and the how's of teaching my kids to hold on to their love and innocence. To be accepting of all people, even if they don't accept us. I know I can't protect them from all the hate that exists out there. It scares me beyond words knowing that so much of that hate is directed towards their sweet and pure little hearts by millions of people who have never even met them, yet hate them and would be happy to see my babies die simply because they were born different than most. This is reality. And it's not one I wish on any mother.

My heart aches for all those in Iraq and Syria and around the world facing this reality right now as they stare down the barrel of a gun or watch the axe fall on their own children's heads. I have no words. My heart just weeps. My wishing for the world to go blind so we can cease from judging and hating one another is just a silly notion of a scared mother praying such hate never gets it's hands on my own children. And praying that it releases it's grasp on all those it's already found. I wish I had the answer. All I can do is keep loving and not allow my heart to hate those who hate me.

Risky Parenting

I don't know how many of you saw this essay, The Day I Left My Son In The Car, that Huffington shared this week. It's very long. Much longer than I tend to follow through with finishing. However, it's very thought provoking on a number of levels and so many points hit home that I started to hear Sheldon in my head saying, bazinga!

If you can't find the time to read it, trust me, I get it. I had to put it down at least 7 times for things like getting my daughter to stop coloring on her brother as a punishment for ticking her off, to wipe a butt and since I was reading it while I made and served lunch, well, you know how that goes. Considering this blog is called self talk insanity, it's probably no surprise that my head needs a release from a read such as this one. So, I decided to jot down a handful of the keepers and why those statements really resonated with me. This is rather long too. Sorry, but it's a lot to think about!

      "For the next four or five seconds, I did what it sometimes seems I’ve been doing every 

       minute of every day since having children, a constant, never-ending risk-benefit
       analysis..... And then I left him in the car for about five minutes."

I find myself in this mom's decision making predicament almost daily and to be honest, I had NO IDEA us loving, often viewed as overprotective, certainly overly worried parents could be CHARGED with a serious crime for choosing not to drag our tantrum throwing little people into the store with us. Now, the question or debate perhaps becomes, where does one draw the line on considering the situation a safe, quick, unencumbered run inside, to a potentially unsafe situation? Some might say it's unsafe no matter what. If you can't see your car/kids for any amount of time, I'd fall in the category of feeling it's unsafe. No matter what. But I can be a little paranoid, even if my sit back and let them be independent style gives one the impression otherwise. 

I won't lie though. I leave my kids in the car at least once each week. Though, they remain in my view the whole time and if it's hot, I leave the car running with the air on. If anyone so much as gets within 5' of the car I'm heading for the door. I only do this when I'm getting coffee and I only when I'm at a coffee shop that has glass throughout the front.  I also only leave them if I can get a spot right at the door. I also don't stay if there's a long line. I get them or head for the nearest drive though coffee shop. I usually can even see what they are doing. If my drink is taking more than a couple minutes I go out and check in with them. Yes, I have this down to a science. A mom science anyway. Some might say even this is not okay. Hey, to each his own. You're welcome to that opinion.

I don't think what this mom did was the best choice, even she says that, but despite it being my view that you don't leave your kids in the car if you can't see them, I felt this mom being charged was way overboard. Heck, drug users even get a three strike your out rule. You can get a slap on the wrist for sexual assault and even rapists can be sentenced to as little as 2 years! One poor parenting decision and there's a warrant out for her arrest!? Whoa. Eye opener. How did we get to this point though?

I found it even more disturbing that someone found the situation unsafe enough to video it and report it to authorities, yet they didn't find it appropriate to give that mom the benefit of the doubt that this was a split second, poor decision in an endless cluster of otherwise safe choices made throughout the day, and instead choose to walk up to her and suggest  that she not leave her child unattended. Or maybe even offer to watch the car if she was only going to be a couple minutes. What parent doesn't get what a royal pain it can be to drag your child in somewhere when they put their foot down that they don't want to go? I've done it and I'm surprised I wasn't reported because, to some bystander who only got a piece of the picture, it looked like I was abusing my child when in fact I was simply trying to stop him from throwing himself out of my arms as I try to untangle him from my body in an attempt to confine him to the cart while he's still flailing about and screaming "No, I don't want to Gooooooooo, nooooooo!" Those are the days you want to go home and curl up in bed and wish the kids would do the same! Never happens though. Rather than taking a video of one of your not so great parenting moments, offer to help. Now THAT would be a Good Samaritan. Or, would it?

The truly sad part of this alternative is, if another parent did offer a struggling mom, clearly a rush, that simple gesture of kindness, the mom's guard would likely go up and she would be more inclined to be wary of the stranger and take her child in with her. I would anyway. That mom who was about to leave her child might even report that stranger as a potential threat.  The thought would cross my mind. They say, better safe than sorry. But wow, how different this situation could have been, huh? Like the mom who wrote this article says, "In place of 'It takes a village,' our parenting mantra seems to be 'every man for himself'". Even more, it's clear to me that stranger danger is a concept we now identify with more than "community" and I can't help but to shake my head at how far we seem to have gone astray as a society in this regard. I'm as guilty as the next guy with this one, despite my belief that most people are good.

        "We sabotage ourselves with impossible standards, live with a chronic fear of not

          measuring up in what’s supposed to be our most important calling." ... "This is
          America and parenting is now a competitive sport, just like everything else."

These words probably made the most profound impact because they are so painfully true. With those words weighing on my mind since reading them, I've observed my actions and others actions while out and about with the kiddos these past few days. For the first time I can think of I wondered things like, what does that mom think of me sitting back while my kids splash and have fun in the baby pool while they are sitting on the edge, clearly not wanting to get in, like myself. I often revisit such situations after the fact or I just don't care to even consider it. Yet, I found myself wondering what those nearby thought about things they may have heard me say to the kids, whether it was threatening to leave wherever we were for not listening or warning them to watch their step and be careful. Was I too mean, too overprotective, or not being a "good enough" mom? Were they judging me or comparing my parenting to what they were doing? Did I measure up? Did they feel they measured up? What are we comparing our parenting to anyway? There's no manual. Well, actually there's a lot. And they all say something different.

I typically don't pay attention to such things. I really don't. I have enough on my plate than to care about such trivial things. Maybe others don't pay attention or care either. But, I think others may be paying more attention than I am because it's pretty clear this parenting thing is a competition, of sorts, to many parents. When you read anything online or see others Facebook posts, it  certainly feels like some sort of competition most of the time. I just choose not to compete. Except with myself that is. I'm the only mom I ever need to be better than. Quite frankly, that's more competition than I can bare most days! 

I know I'm far from "perfect". For one, such a mom is a myth our generation of parents seem to have imagined and then set out to beat. Two, I'm far from this imaginary perfect mom because I screw up daily. Many times each day in fact. I may not leave my kids in the car when I can't see it or even let them go far enough that I can't see them. Does that make me better than the mom whose daughter ran out of the play area at the mall and she had only realized when someone came and asked if anyone was missing a little blond girl? Heck no! It could happen to any of us. But I bet she felt like we were all judging her and she probably felt like a craptastic mom in that moment. I would have if it were me. Though I would have learned from it too and positioned myself differently next time. 

I make mistakes all the time and each night I tell myself I'll do better tomorrow. It's all I can do. I get angry with myself almost daily, and like everything in my life, I find it difficult to let things go and to forgive, especially myself. I hate yelling. I hate when I'm flat out mean because I'm so mad I can't remember to stop and breathe and then respond. I hate when I feel like a bad mom. The last thing I need to do is worry that others are comparing themselves to me and being concerned that they think they are "better". What's better anyway?

So, that minor I got in sociology came to the forefront a bit and for a change I decided to observe others as well. Or be more observant I should say. I always try not to judge, though in extreme cases, I certainly have some thoughts go through my head that are less than all loving and accepting, kumbaya type thoughts. I do try to reframe those thoughts and think, maybe that mom's just having a bad day. I've certainly had them while out in public. If it's a mom really on her game, I try to take note for future situations where I can snag some of her skills and put them to good use. It's never a competition in my head though. Maybe I'm just not a very competitive person. As I observed more, I realized how easy it would be to compare my ways to other moms. Even to compete. I see how our American mindset brings out this, more is better, I must be the best, mentality, even in parenting. I don't like it.

I get why so many seem to have switched gears and now coddle their kids. It's probably most obvious in how we now give trophies just for showing up. Next we'll be telling them great job for crossing the street by themselves at the age of 15! We're "graduating" our kids from preschool for crying out loud. My daughter definitely didn't obtain a degree at 3 years old. Yeah, they look cute in their caps and gowns, but what does it teach them? I worked hard for my degrees and in part it was to set a higher standard for my kids to want to achieve more; a higher expectation when it comes to academics. I don't want them to think such things are just handed to them.

     "Psychologists and social scientists wonder if we’re not instilling children with a sense of learned
      helplessness that makes them into subfunctional, narcissistic young adults who have an
      overinflated sense of worth and sensitivity"

I think that's exactly what we are doing! I don't wonder. I see it. Don't get me wrong, I worry with the best of them. I somehow can envision every awful thing that can possibly happen in every given situation. My husband thinks I'm insane most of the time if I even suggest why I'm anxious about certain things. He doesn't see danger in the same ways as I do. Like, in everything. He doesn't even think of it, as he says. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one. Again, I do a good job outwardly of reigning in this anxiety, because I understand they need to learn and not just be told, but the worry is there. It's always there.

Example of one of my more ridiculous moments of looking 10 steps ahead (literally) for potential danger... We were walking through the grass at the pool and it had a lot of those little white weed flowers that bees love. I caught myself looking ahead of my daughter's path to make sure there wasn't a bee she would step on and get stung. She's never stepped on one. I've never stepped on one. I just have seen them fly away from those flowers and thought, she could step on one. I should watch so I can prevent that. 

     "'The problem is... there’s some risk to every choice you make.'", Lenore Skenazy is quoted as
       telling this author. 

Isn't that the truth?! I do those risk benefit analyses in each situation and once I feel the kids are as safe as they can be with the least chance of injury, tantrum or fighting with one another, I step back. I rarely hover. I just need eyes on them. I've never been one to gasp and run when they fall. I'll calmly walk over, give a hug, check if they are injured, offer an ice pack if necessary in my futile effort to limit their endless supply if bruises, and we move on. They move on. Unless they are tired, of course. Then there's no moving on. Just the end of the world. Or so it seems.

      "Skenazy boils it down to this. 'There’s been this huge cultural shift. We now live in a society
       where most people believe a child can not be out of your sight for one second, where people
       think children need constant, total adult supervision. This shift is not rooted in fact. It’s not
       rooted in any true change. It’s imaginary. It’s rooted in irrational fear.'"

That's me! I remember walking with my best friend to the local pool at the age of 8. The pool was down the hill I lived on so we took a shortcut through what one might call the woods. There were steps and everything but one might see it as the perfect setting for the boogie man to jump out and snatch two little girls right up. Not only did we do this almost daily for a whole summer but we also then spent the whole day at the pool. By ourselves! We bought our own food. We swam on our own, without swimmies or life vests. Even applied our own sunscreen. Somehow, we managed. to survive. I remember playing at a friends house well into the dark with all our friends in the neighborhood. No parents were sitting out watching us. They were home, but not supervising. Again, we all managed to survive. And get into some mischief. Isn't that what being a kid is all about though?

Honestly, I can't imagine feeling comfortable with my kids doing these things. Thinking of them walking on their own on busy streets or back paths though secluded areas makes me feel sick to my stomach. Is it really anymore dangerous today? From what I've read, not really. Maybe we just hear about it more now. With the Internet and info so readily available, we don't have a choice. Maybe our parents were more naïve and innocent regarding all the big bad wolves out there or they closed their eyes and shut their ears to reduce their anxiety. Whatever the case, I don't see a way back. Once those thoughts are in your head, they don't just go away. And we're left with what exactly? Being "overprotective" or dealing with our anxiety and praying for the best. Our kids have to spread their wings and fly a little bit each day, right?

       "Of all the difficult parts of parenting, the hardest for me (and for many people, I think) is not the
         fatigue or time drain or chaos of family life, but the inability to ensure that nothing terrible will
        ever happen to my children. This desire to prevent suffering in one’s kids is stronger than the
       desire to breathe, stronger than my most basic human instincts. And yet, no matter how strong
       the desire, none of us can do it. We just can’t."


Despite this overwhelming desire to protect and prevent, we will still make mistakes and some poor parenting choices. Probably each day. Why? Because each and every one of us is human and that's what humans do. Humans also have the infinite ability to learn. We can't go back and remove all the images and stories of tragedies that have happened to others kids. Rather than compete in this imaginary parenting race, why not learn from each other instead? Isn't that a big part of what "It Takes a Village" is all about anyway? I think we need that village now more than ever.

 

Parenting in Our Culture

Hi! I'm Jaci, remember me?

I know, I know, it's been awhile!

I've had a bit of writers block. Perhaps that's a good thing. Might mean my incessant chatter is slowing down a bit! Or maybe not.

Mostly, I just haven't been sure what I feel like writing about. A few things have come to mind but I've refrained. This may surprise you but I don't actually share everything that comes to mind. Some things I don't tell anyone. A few I might share for some support but I don't feel this is the proper place. Some people can take things the wrong way. Another shocker, I know!

Anyway, I decided on something and then before I found the time something else came up that hit one of those buttons for me. I'm guessing most of you have heard about the Stubenville rape case and the two teen "football stars" who were found guilty this week of raping a highly intoxicated teen girl. Oh, and posting the incident on social media... including a picture of her naked. On top of that, it seems a number of other kids either saw or knew about this incident and did nothing. Now, the media sensationalizes everything these days so who knows who knew and what they did or didn't do, but there was definitely some nasty social media stuff and texting going on. Anyway, if you're somehow not up to speed on all this, you can catch up some at the link above. Or google it and read a gazillion articles about it!

The whole "football culture' thing is what caught my attention. For obvious reasons. I didn't buy into that reasoning... again, for obvious reasons (obvious if you have followed some of my other posts anyway) Though it seems there may have been some "covering" going on in the beginning, or at the very least down playing what we now know to be rape. I'm quite sure we haven't been told everything. Out of context reporting of text messages is, well, not exactly a true representation of truth and facts. Were these kids all permitted to run rampant every weekend in this town, drinking and partying and not being held accountable to any rules by their parents or authority figures? Did they say, hey coach, I raped a girl, can you take care of that for me? I mean, seriously?! I personally can't see it playing out like that in real life. That's a prime time teen drama series you watch on the CW each week. It sure makes for a good news story that can make a hefty buck. Stubenville is not the only town in the US that lives and dies for high school football. Bottom line.... the love and "fanaticism" over football does. not. rape. a drunk teenage girl.

Our culture that minimizes sexual assaults and rape of women is what makes these boys and grown men think behavior like this is okay. It seems most of these kids didn't even realize that what was happening constituted rape or that what these boys were doing to this girl was even wrong. Who in their right mind would post it on the Internet if they thought it was wrong or criminal?! They aren't stupid kids. They knew not to drink and drive. Clearly they have been taught right from wrong somewhere along the way and are not a bunch of "thugs". This isn't some hardened gang with criminal records and no responsible adults in their lives. These are teenagers partying. Quite frankly, our society taught them that such behavior towards women is acceptable and that is the real story here.

Don't believe me? Well, our media proved just how embedded this rape culture is in our society. A number of networks seem to be more concerned with the lives of these football stars being ruined than taking this opportunity to talk about how we as a society can prevent these crimes.

I'm guessing they will say they could only talk about the boys who committed the crimes because they can't provide any potentially identifying information about a rape victim. Plus she's a minor, which protects her even more. Wait, nope. They can't play that card since at least one network I've heard of allowed her first name to be said on national television!!!

Honestly, I haven't followed this all that much because I do not watch the news anymore. I can't believe anything they say so it's not worth it to me. But I was floored when I saw some of these reports. Initially I was angry with the parents, even though I can't exactly judge them. I can't say for certain my child wouldn't do something so atrocious some day. I know I'll teach my son to respect women. That doesn't mean he will. I'll teach him that "No" really does mean "No" and if she is under the influence, stumbling or not coherent then that "No" should be implied... and he should ensure she gets home safe. Period. I'll work my butt off to help both my kids understand the dangers of drinking. I know I can't stop them, but I sure as heck can try!

Then I realized that no matter what type of morals I instill in my kids, there are other forces to reckon with out there. The media is a powerful influence. Social media is powerful and scary. Then there's the good ol' peer pressure that seems as challenging to overcome as it's ever been. It gives me anxiety to even think about it all. It takes a special teen to stand up to their peers when no one else is, even if they know it's the right thing to do. I pray my kids grow to become one of those kids I hear about who does the right thing and defends those who can't defend themselves. But I sure can't guarantee it and therefore I can't judge these parents. I'm not in their shoes. Thank God.

Like these journalists, I can feel sad for these boys who were found guilty for their crimes. That doesn't change the fact that they made heinously poor choices. Yes, they were drunk themselves but they didn't think what they were doing was wrong. They were conscious and aware of their actions. Unlike these journalists, I can't think of these boys and "all their potential" more than the girl they raped! How anyone can put them in the spotlight is baffling. Rape and sexual assault should be in the spotlight. Awareness and prevention should be the focus. Resources for girls and women who have been victimized should be at the forefront of the storyline here. It's an opportunity to change the narrative and how we view these crimes. Another missed opportunity. That young girl's life has been irrevocably altered by no choice of hers... and people are concerned about the boys who raped her.

One might say, she chose to drink. Fine, point taken. But I'm guessing anyone who would say that would be the kind of person who feels a woman who dresses "provocatively" is asking to be assaulted. And if that's the case, well, there's nothing I can say to convince a person with that mindset that rape, is rape, is rape and NO ONE asks for it or deserves it. Period. That statement would pass a deaf ear and that is part of our rape culture. That has nothing to do with football. That is precisely what the media has the power to influence. I can't make people view the "rape culture" differently, but the media has the power to influence the masses. And this is how they choose to wield their power. It's pitiful.

I know many people had strong reactions to this case. Clearly I'm one of those people. I think my emotions about this are more personal though. This pushed one of those buttons for me because I was the girl who blacked out most nights in college. I was left at parties by friends not realizing I was blacked out, despite clearly being way too intoxicated to be left alone. I made extremely poor choices, the majority of which I had no idea I was making. I so easily could have been that girl. Heck, I may have been and I still don't know! Now that is scary.

I feel for this girl. I know how she felt when she realized she had no idea what happened the night before. I can't imagine then watching what happened on You Tube or seeing a naked picture of myself and being made fun of about it all on social media! Regardless of her poor decisions that night, she didn't deserve what happened to her. I cringe when I think back to those days and all I can feel is lucky. I feel so very lucky. All the time. I pushed my luck for far too long and am thankful I realized that drinking is simply not something I can do. Not like I did in college anyway. I learned my limit and I don't go over it. Ever.

I also learned that blacking out when drinking is a pretty common thing in my family. Maybe it's simply because of the sheer amount of alcohol we would consume. Maybe it's a genetic thing. Who knows, but blacking out is not a good thing! It sure would have been nice to know this when I was 19. Not that I was mature enough then to do anything different, but I like to think I would have. Now, how to I warn my kids of this family trait...

So for me, not only is this about our rape culture and a blatant disrespect for women being accepted in our society but this is an alcohol issue as well, and obviously that is something I'm passionate about.

I didn't really drink in high school. So I know it's possible to say no to peer pressure! But I don't have the answers. I wish I did. I wish I knew how to convince my kids to never drink. I wish I knew how to warn my daughter about sexual assault and rape without stripping away whatever  innocence she has left at that point when we need to talk about these things.

I have no idea how to instill a strong sense of confidence and self esteem in my kids. I just wish my daughter could hold on to her "I'm a beautiful princess" mentality that she has no difficulty expressing right now! I don't know how to teach my son that women should be respected as I walk past a Sports Illustrated issue in the middle of the grocery store that has a woman's breasts barely covered on the front of it. I have no clue how to protect them from the evils of social media that have turned bullying into an art form and paved the way for true sexual predators to lure in unsuspecting girls who are fascinated by the magic of true love.

Like any parent, I want my kids to do better and be better than I was. I want more for them than I ever dreamed for myself. I don't want them to make the same mistakes I made. Before my kids, I thought I knew so much and what I would do in any given situation. Now that I'm a parent, and I see how the world continues to change and the dangers continue to grow, I can honestly say that I don't have any idea of what the heck I'm doing!

Perhaps working on changing our culture and bettering our world is the best way to parent. Volunteering, advocating, teaching by example. There's so much awful stuff to warn our kids about it's just becoming too overwhelming. I don't know any other way at this point. If anyone has this parenting gig figured out though, I'm all ears! Being a parent is no joke. That's about all I know for sure anymore.

The Elephant in the Room

I'm not a fan of talking about sex. My mom never talked to me about it and it makes me uncomfortable to discuss... with anyone. Thinking about what to say to my kids and how and when gives me anxiety and they are only 2 and 3! So when it comes to child sexual abuse I just cringe, like most parents do and most human beings for that matter. The idea of such a thing is so heinous, so unfathomable, so difficult to understand. Thinking about how to best protect my kids and how to best make sure they know that no matter what they can talk to me about anything sexual, even this horrific topic which I pray they never have to come to me about, left me at somewhat of a loss.

Thanks to Jim Clemente, a survivor of child sex abuse himself, an FBI profiler and expert in the field of child sex crimes, I feel more prepared and even a bit more comfortable with what I need to talk to my kids about. I don't want all things sex related to be some elephant in the room with them, especially when they start to understand what sexual behavior is. I feel I have the tools necessary to keep that elephant out.

I wish I didn't need these tools to begin with. These still aren't conversations I want to have or even want to think about! I also don't want to look at every teacher, coach, babysitter and even family members my children are in contact with as people who could be remotely capable of something like child sex abuse. But as a parent, I'd be remiss in my duty to protect them if I didn't at least consider it a possibility; if I didn't at the very least think twice should an action of anyone who is in contact with them put up a red or even a yellow flag.

As someone in the counseling field who has worked with kids who were survivors of sexual abuse, and other abuse, and as a Penn Stater, this is a topic that has been on my mind nearly every day for over a year now. As is the case with nearly every Penn Stater and even Pennsylvanian I've encountered. You see, I'm in this unique position because I "get it". I get how Sandusky fooled our entire little world in Happy Valley; how he fooled law enforcement and child service workers and thousands of people across the state; how he fooled an entire nation. My education taught me how people like him work. Yet, as a parent, and one of the people who fell for it, I had a knee jerk reaction that it's just not possible. It can't be! Someone must have known. His wife, kids, closest friends, the psychologists he worked for at the Second Mile, someone must have seen through his pillar of the community, nice guy, moral, church going, saviour of at risk kids persona that radiated from him. Even though I understood that this is exactly how these type of offenders work and that persona is precisely how they get away with it for so long, it's still difficult to accept sometimes.

It's a bit like my my challenges with living with an alcoholic. I "get it". I get the things he says and does and that the lying and manipulation have nothing to do with me or how he feels about me, but in the moment, it's nearly impossible to separate out those facts from my emotions. Just because someone feels a certain way, it doesn't mean it's correct in regards to years of research and facts collected by experts. Experts in the field of addiction taught me this through my studies, but living it day in and day out is totally different! But, to me, if we can't listen to and learn from experts in their respective fields then we really can't progress as a society.

Had we not listened to experts regarding child physical abuse and it's effects, we would still live in a society where blatant abuse was permitted not only in the home but in public as well. I think people forget that it was only a couple generations ago that what we call abuse now was fairly common place for disciplining our kids. I'm not talking about spankings, which despite common belief is still legal with specific stipulations, but outright abuse; whipping, punching, kicking, etc... If we didn't progress as a society things like date rape and spousal rape would not be considered a crime. We have a long way to go in the area of rape and sexuual assaults against women and their punishments, but look how far we've come because people were willing to talk about it and to become educated on the topic.

No one wants to talk about child sex abuse though. It's simply too painful for our brains to process. It's too difficult.

But it NEEDS to be discussed... in every home, in every school.... in the scouts, in places of worship, at local YMCA's, summer and sports camps, youth centers, daycares.... anywhere a child is, it MUST be a topic we are all knowledgeable and have open dialogue about. It just must.

We talk to ur children about stranger danger and monster predators often but we don't talk about the Sandusky's of the world. The experts say, there are FAR MORE of these type of offenders than the ones we warn our children about. Now that... that is scary as hell to me.

As a parent, as a trained counselor, as someone who has seen the effects of child abuse first hand from previous clients I've worked with, as someone who has spent my entire adult life working to protect the welfare of children in various ways, I'm writing this post because I have been in a state of dismay over the number of people unwilling to listen to two renowned experts in this field, former FBI profiler Jim Clemente and Dr. Fred S. Berlin of Johns Hopkins University. They have refused to hear them out simply because they don't like what they have to say.

Say what the what?!?! This is jaw dropping; truly unfathomable to me. The idea that people would turn a blind eye to the facts about how to protect our children from such heinous crimes is just, wow, WOW! The foremost expert in our country says your reaction does more harm than good. Those are some powerful words I take very seriously. I feel confident in saying that the people unwilling to educate themselves and their children on this topic are more dangerous than the actual offenders. That's not a slight to anyone who has refused the facts these men discuss but quite frankly, men like Sandusky are all around us and they will offend no matter how much we educate them that sexually abusing children is not okay. That's a fact. The only way to prevent these crimes is for those US to educate ourselves and to appropriately warn our children. So, anyone unwilling to do this does in fact put all of our children at risk.

I've heard that my plea for everyone to hear these experts out is self serving. Well, in that regard, I guess it is. I want to make sure anyone and everyone who ever comes in contact with my children and your children too, know how to protect them from acquaintance offenders; nice guy offenders. I do not give a rats ass what you think about Joe Paterno. I do not care for one minute what you think about my alma mater and our "culture" at Penn State. I know who I am, I know what Penn State stands for and what we've always stood for. I know the lessons I have learned from being a part of that community; lessons I will take with me throughout my life; lessons I will share with my kids. And I kow who was at the heart of instilling these values into the soul of that town. What others think regarding this is absolutely irrelevant to me and will not change these facts. I'm brutally honest, to a fault at times. So take it or leave it but that's the truth. Period.

What I am passionate about, what I am adamant about, is how we can learn from this whole situation... and how I can be a part of that education process; how I can help. If you read my blog, you know by now that I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a reason for everything. EVERYTHING. Even the most horrific things life throws at us. Even Sandusky's crimes and the crimes of thousands of others just like him, many whom still roam our streets and work with our children right now! Yes, I said right now. Right now your child's teacher or coach, religious leader, babysitter, uncle or grandparent... whoever, may be putting up red flags you've missed because you don't know what to look for and you trust them!

I'm not saying don't trust these people or assume they are like Sandusky. I'm a trusting person. I believe in the good in everyone until they prove themselves unworthy of my trust. But I also know what to be weary of now too. It's just one more tool for my parenting toolbox. We all know we can never have enough to fill that box with when it comes to keeping our kids safe!

If I could go door to door to ensure every person I know watches this video, I would.

 

If I could send this report to every person who has anything to do with children, which is most people in this world, I would. (click to "this repot" to read the 97 page report in full) I would do it in a heartbeat! This one is incredibly informative as well, and only 45 pages.

There are many things we can't save our children from in this world. There's so much to fear for them, so much that can strip away their innocence far too early. There is so much that can harm them which is out of our control. I truly believe this doesn't have to be one of those things.

It really doesn't. All we need to do is learn. To have open discussions. To warn our children that even people they trust can harm them but that it's okay to tell you about it. If you're a teacher, educate your students that even parents can do things that are not okay, but it is okay to tell them about it. To stop an offense in the grooming stage stops the abuse! To me, learning about this topic and fully understanding what it all means is not asking all that much if it means a child never has to be called a survivor of sexual abuse again. It's really not asking much as all, don't you think?

I urge everyone to get over their preconceived notions that people must be covering and helping people like Sandusky in order for them to get away with it. I beg everyone to become educated and not be a part of the problem. Please help me be a part of the solution.

What kind of society are we if we can't at the very least do that?


UPDATE!! 2/13/13 6:22pm

Jim Clemente responded to my question about a non-Penn State/Paterno related analysis of his on this topic. He actually recommened the work of his mentor, Kenneth Lanning, should you fnd yourself unable to get past his analysis that exonerates Paterno of any wrong doing.

If you google, "Child Molesters: A Behavioral Analysis 77 (5th ed. 2010)", a PDF file is available for you to open. It's over 200 pages but I'd imagine very thorough if you're serious about educating yourself on this topic.

You can also check out http://missingkids.com

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Despite loving poetry and writing my own back in the day, this is the only poem I have ever been able to recite from memory. What I find amazing is that I haven't thought of this poem in ages. And I certainly wasn't thinking of it today or even when I decided to write this long overdue post. I sat down with thoughts swirling about what I had intended to write and how that may or may not relate to the tragic events of today. I sat down... and I immediately began to type this poem.

Then I went and found a picture to make it more aesthetically pleasing.

What's amazing is how the mind works, because this poem is perfect. I mean, truly perfect. Few things in life are. Few things in life can depict an emotion, especially emotions of sadness and heartache in a beautiful way. These words tie together thoughts I've been having recently with the senseless elementary school shooting in Connecticut today. They remind me there is beauty all around us, even when the world feels full of ugliness.

Lately, I've been looking at my kids and realizing how "grown" they have become. My 3&1/2 year old says things everyday that make me realize how much her little head truly comprehends and just how quickly babies become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids to teens and young adults and grown children having children of their own.... and all of a sudden I realize why everyone says "enjoy it now, they grow up so fast".

All mom's of babies and toddlers, especially if their little ones aren't good sleepers or are otherwise difficult, hear those words and shudder. On some days you wish you could knock out the person saying it to you without ending up in jail for it. The problem is, those words are so true. It's the truthfulness of those words that is scary for me right now. I feel like by the time I get these toddler years figured out the next phase of life will be here and I'll have missed out on those years that were driving me to the brink of insanity. It's hard not to just try to get through the day sometimes though. Sometimes it feels like that's all you can do.

Then I hear my daughter say something that makes me go, WOW, when did she learn that?! Or she tells me she's going to write an "R for Rylie" and I'm waiting to say "that's AWESOME" to the little scribble mark she makes and tells me that it's an R when I look down and see a circle with two lines out the bottom, like my first R's resembled on the papers in my childhood memories box. I excitedly praise her in amazement, while inside my heart sinks a bit as I realize once again, you can't go back. She will never be my baby that I rock or nurse before bed. Time will forever more forward. Children will always grow. And we really only have today, each day, to soak it all in. Nothing gold can stay.

As I've been "chatting" about all this with myself and working to remind myself to let each day sink in, to not simply get through it, but to live.... I came across a news post that says there's been a shooting at an elementary school. Immediately I remember my freshman year in college, holding a magazine, Time or People or one of those, and looking at the faces of the victims from Columbine. I remember my heart hurting as I read about those kids, who were my age. I remember reading about their hopes and dreams, what their lives were like, their college plans.... I remember how senseless it all was, the loss of life. I remember how everything changed in schools after that. How we said such a thing would never happen again. We were prepared to prevent such tragedy.

How little we learn. How soon we forget. Today isn't the first school shooting since that one that changed it all. I doubt it will be the last, no matter how much I pray it would be. Sick people will always find a way to do senseless things, to take innocent lives, which will alter the course of so many lives. When you think about just how many lives are impacted from events like today, the ripple effect from such a tragedy ultimately changes every last one of us. It makes parents look at their children and realize this can happen anywhere and every time you send your child off to school that could be the last time you hear them say, "Bye, I love you Mommy!". It makes many, parents or not, question our gun laws, which I will not do here. It makes everyone stop, even if just for a moment, and remember to tell the people they love that they love them.

Sometimes I think such senseless acts of violence occur, or even accidents that no one can predict or prevent, for this reason... to make us stop. To remind us to love. To remind us to live each day like it really is our last.  Because lets face it, you really and truly just never know if it is. If you're a regular reader here, you know I believe there is a reason for everything and I am always determined to find a reason for even the most horrific of events; a reason that leaves me with hope for humanity rather than resentment or hate. While deep down I do believe awful things happen to remind us of what life is really all about and to see the beauty, I'm not sure today is the day for me to seek my reason. Or more to accept what I already believe in my heart.

Today, my heart aches for the parents who can never hold their babies again, whether they were still a child or an adult. My heart aches for the children who will never hug their mom or dad again. For the wives, husbands, partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends.... for all those who lost someone they cherished and never in a million years thought that when they woke this morning, and perhaps yelled at their child to brush their teeth or put their shoes on because they were running late or were annoyed at their husband for not changing the toilet paper roll again... that today would be the day they never would see their loved one alive again. My heart simply hurts for these strangers today and I see no reason for them to have to endure such pain.

Today is one more reminder that my kids really are growing up much too fast for me, that time is this elusive concept I can't seem to wrap my head around these days....


And I just had to take a break from finishing because my 3 year old, you know, the one who is growing up much too fast, just decided to poop on the kitchen floor after she peed her pants because she couldn't tear herself away from the play dough to go to the bathroom. And just like that... the carpe diem moment is over. THOUGH, there was no yelling or freaking out.

This is a perfect reminder of the other side of today.... we will press forward. Those families hurting will hurt....badly. Unbearably so. I can't fathom the pain. It takes my breath away to even try. But those of us watching the horror and holding our kids tight, we will press on. Tomorrow even. For me, five minutes ago as I cleaned up the poop from my floor. We will fail as parents and get up and try again. We will yell and we will be imperfect and we will forget that this moment could be our last. But in the back of my head I guess there's a part of me that always hears those words I memorized all those years ago.... nothing gold can stay.

I will miss this one day. The insanity of it all. I'll miss their innocence and their giggles and cuddles and the wonder in their eyes. I'll miss them needing me to kiss a boo boo or to tell them there are no monsters in the dark... even though I know there are far too many "monsters" in our world. I'll miss the crazy things they say and their singing and dancing and thinking peek-a-boo is the greatest game ever.

I may not miss the poop. Or the fighting. Or the painting with peanut butter while they eat. But at least I have those memories to laugh at someday. There are far too many parents today, and each day, who would love to make such memories again.

It's certainly something I've been thinking about lately. And today solidified that need to remember not to take any of these years for granted. I don't have to love each day, but I do need to remember I won't get that day back. I won't get that time back.

Many prayers to all those who have lost those they love today.

To Believe Them or Not

I'm one of those people who is always searching for the good that can come out of horrific situations. Sometimes even desperately trying to find the meaning of it all. If you're a regular visitor to my little blog here then you've read this before, you've seen the positives I can derive from otherwise tragic events. It's sort of my way of understanding the evils and sadness of our world, without needing a straitjacket to cope with it all!

We are quickly approaching a year since we learned who our once local hero, highly respected, fun-loving, family man and humanitarian whose efforts to help the underprivileged youth of our state would rival the likes of Mother Teresa, really was. I continue to peel away each layer of intense emotion that continues to engulf hundreds of thousands of us in the aftermath of learning of the horrific acts Jerry Sandusky committed. As such, I have tried to focus more on the good that can come of this, because to me, that's the only way for a community to heal, is to find the good and run with it. 

A brief time out.... 

If you are questioning how I can feel so intensely and take it so personally or maybe think I shouldn't feel such a way or that feeling such a way somehow takes away from what his victims endured and what they and their families will have to live with their entire lives, then I feel happy for you. Truly. If you think these things then that means you have never had to deal with a tragedy in your community or family. You are lucky and fortunate and should feel blessed. It means a child was never kidnapped from your neighborhood, a student at your school never committed suicide or was in a horrible accident that took their life or left them with a permanent disability. It means you never found out your priest was abusing boys, a gunman never shot up your workplace, school or movie theater. It means that your neighbor was never that serial rapist the policed warned you about or a teacher you loved dearly was sleeping with a student. It means you never knew, admired or respected someone that turned out to be evil reincarnate. It means you never lived in a small town with a family like feel that endured anything truly horrible. You are blessed and that makes me smile. I never wish anyone to understand why this has had such an impact on our community or on me personally.  

End of time out....

So, I search. I try to understand how this could happen; how someone could fool EVERYONE, from his coworkers to close friends, the boys he actually did help and didn't abuse, to judges and the governor and even the President of the United States. How did he do all this despite multiple claims made of abuse to a school counselor, principal and even the police? How could a school counselor tell a scared child that he was not abused and the man he was accusing was a good man, tell his mom it would be best not to report it and the school continue to release the child to this man despite his parent forbidding it? How do the police sit in another room and hear rather incriminating evidence and not think anything of it? Why were so many victims not believed? 

I don't have a desire to get into the Sandusky case. Quite frankly, that would require me to sit down and write a book after the abundant research I've done regarding it. My goal, as a parent first and Penn Stater second, is to find the good that can come of his crimes. Yes, good can come from even this. In fact, it must. That starts by understanding how things like this happen to begin with. I read this from a fellow alum after many of us watched the Dr. Phil episode on Friday...

"One thing about all of the "outing" of victims stories right now is the common thread of a child not being believed. There is a school of thought that a child in the foster care system or split home environment wasn't believed when speaking of molestation or abuse. I have witnessed children placed in a controlled school or group home after they spoke up of this type of issue. This was done because it was felt the child was not believable and needed therapy or other guidance. Also, there were always those that might have believed the child but didn't want to get involved due to all of the legal ramifications. The real travesty is the thought that a child's voice isn't a true voice regardless of their home environment."

The real travesty is the thought that a child's voice isn't a true voice.... Powerful. huh? I thought so too.

As someone who worked with abused children for years, combined with my counseling background, this is what I know... it is quite common for kids to not be believed, especially if their claims are against a prominent member of our society with an impeccable reputation. The adult will always trump the kid in these instances. It's simply the truth. Such an adult will often even trump the child's parent, should they believe their own child, which many don't. Kids from lower income or "nontraditional" homes of any kind and minorities are very rarely believed as well, especially over an affluent, respected, white man. This is quite simply reality. Right or wrong, it's reality. As ironic as this may sound, kids who have been abused in the past are often not believed should they accuse someone else of abuse or more severe abuse. There are many valid reasons for this and again, right or wrong, that is simply what I've seen and learned, sometimes the hard way, as I've been fooled more than once by an imaginative child! 

Some may think this is inherently wrong; that a child who claims abuse should always be heard and it should always be reported and investigated. As a parent, my knee jerk reaction is to say, ABSOLUTELY. Then as I started to become as self righteous as the best of them I was reminded of something I know well. I was reminded of why I would always stop and think and try to look at the bigger picture when I was out in the working world, working with children, especially abused children. What was I reminded of? Children, no matter the age, have some vivid imaginations. For the record, many adults too! Some kids let their imaginations run wild because it's simply part of their developmental age, learning and growth. Some are seeking attention. Some mix things up in their head, maybe from things they've heard, seen on TV or even dreamed and in an attempt to figure it out they create a new story of events in their head. Some have learned to embellish things from their parents or friends and like to see what comes of telling wild stories. It's why we teach our kids about the boy who cried wolf from a young age. Or, at least why we should teach them this story... over and over and over until they fully understand it.

I was recently reminded of this when my daughter got in loads of trouble for pushing her brother off the couch. I mean hard. The boy landed a good 2 feet away! I snatch her off the couch and put her in a timeout. She was behind the big cushion and pulled away as I growled at her that she needed to sit for being mean, hurting and pushing her brother. After her timeout, I asked her if I hurt her arm, explained that it was an accident and I was sorry if I did. I explained about not fighting mommy when she needs to sit for a time out. She responded... "Mommy kicked me". My jaw hit the floor. I tried to figure out how she could come up with such a notion while I reminded her that no such thing happened!! Imagine if she went to school and told her teacher that "mommy kicked her"? Worse yet, what if the teacher questioned her more and she actually pointed to one of the many bruises she often has on her clumsy little body?! Should child protective services come banging down my door? This is sort of a silly example compared to the specific event that has me searching for the good that can come of it, but a valid point nonetheless. 

So where's the good you are probably wondering? Kid's get abused in some form, they may find the courage to tell someone and then they aren't believed. So, the abuse continues, maybe gets worse if the perpetrator finds out they told, and so it goes, generation after generation. We have child protection laws now. They weren't always in place you know. Like civil rights, children have come a long way in being treated as equal and even human, rather than possessions that is. And like all minorities, our children have a long road ahead. It's one that may never lead to their voices being equal to their adult counterparts for so many reasons, many mentioned above. But they are also a group that can't fight themselves for their voices to be heard. We are the only ones who can fight for them. At the same time, there's a balancing act to consider because false allegations can ruin a good persons life. The court of public opinion can be devastating for the innocent and that, to me, is as much a travesty as a child's voice not being counted as a true voice. True, the adult can defend themselves, in most situations anyway, but once the court of public opinion has given their guilty verdict, then that adults voice becomes as insignificant as the children we must fight for. It's a juggling act really, and in the end there are often going to be losers. That's the hard truth to digest. That is what's unfair. That's what I am having a hard time swallowing because it doesn't have to be be this way, I don't think.

WE as a society can learn to stop, to think critically and not with knee jerk, emotional reactions. I was guilty of this in the Sandusky case myself. I thought McQueary was a scum bag who witnessed child rape and did nothing about it. When in fact, as more and more evidence and testimony has been released to the public, he witnessed no such thing. Am I happy with him for changing his story so many times it makes my head spin? Or that his initial story presented to the public is the one many have based their verdicts of guilt on; the same story that I rushed to judge and flipped a lid over? No. I'm not happy with him at all. I've also never been in his position where my story needed to be strong enough to help put away a serial pedophile. I can't judge him and I don't but I'm certainly not a fan of Mike McQueary. Though like many Penn Staters, I never really was anyway! All kidding aside, as this is no laughing matter, the bottom line is we as a society need to do better. We need to think for ourselves and stop judging each other! Unless we have walked a mile in the person's shoes we are judging then we have no right to judge. It's as simple as that.  

I honestly don't have the answers for how we can stop this innate human characteristic of judgement. I struggle with it daily, as you've read about many times! I do know that through education we are granted the ability to learn how to stop and think though. We can teach our children critical thinking skills. With our ability to obtain information and news with the click of a button and often within minutes of anything major occurring, critical thinking skills are more important now than ever before. Yet it seems such skills are lacking more now than in generations past. Along with our ability to obtain whatever information we desire brings us the ability to become more aware of issues we were previously not all that knowledgeable in. Before we judge based on a headline, we can take some time to truly educate ourselves on the situation or person we are rushing to judge. All that with the same click of a button! Maybe learning comes by understanding child abuse reporting laws, how our legal system handles various allegations and investigations or how others may not have the same rights in our society as we do and often take for granted. The topics are endless. So is our ability to learn. 

I believe that ultimately the good that will come from this particular situation is awareness. Awareness of how many children are abused each day and awareness that abuse is not always perpetrated by who we think. Sexual predators are not just those scary looking men our parents warned us not to take candy from as kids. They can be our coaches, our teachers, our religious leaders, our idols, our neighbors, our cousins, even an older friend and yes, a parent or sibling. In your own quest to become more knowledgeable, I urge each of you to read this article. 

Through awareness comes action. Action is where the miracles will happen. It will be through our actions, not just regarding child abuse and sexual abuse in any form, but regarding ANYTHING, where we can each make an impact. We can donate to the organizations that have the resources to prevent such horrific acts from continuing to plague our society. We can volunteer our time, maybe even become foster parents. God knows our society needs good people to love and care for all the children seeking their forever home. Maybe that's not for you. There's plenty of unwanted, unloved, abused and abandoned animals out there too. Learn about how the media has sent us into a frenzy of fear over pit bulls; a rush to judgment over a loving and smart animal often used as a therapy dog! Maybe do a walk for a cure....choose the disease that most resonates with you. I'm sure there's a walk for it. The call to action is seemingly endless my friends. It is through this action, seeped in awareness and reminding ourselves to stop and think and refrain from rushing to judge others, that we will see the light after the darkness. Any darkness, not just this. 

It's the rainbow after the storm that I am always searching for and if your eyes and hearts are open, you'll see it too. 

Photo taken by alumni, Beth Updegrove. PSU vs Temple 2012

As always, any hate filled comments irrelevant to finding the good that can come from horrific situations, such as Sandusky's crimes, will be deleted and the person posting them blocked. This is still my blog and my self therapy, though I hope it's beneficial to many in whatever way it fits into their personal life. Thank you in advance for being respectful. ~ Jaci

To my PSU family, Thank You! But I need to take a step back....

Note: If you aren't a Penn Stater... you might want to move on to my next post. This was simply the easier way for me to address many at once. Thanks to my followers in advance for understanding.

With this whole Penn State debacle being incredibly multifaceted I often can't decide which aspect to write about first. I could focus on politics, because to me, that's at the core of this whole thing. I could focus on individuals and their not so credible backgrounds, take your pick, Tripony, Freeh, Corbett... I could focus on the media who continues to prove time and time again how they have lost all credibility as impartial journalists and are merely like any other power hungry and money driven corporation. I could focus on the victims, which is one of the few issues I have always been passionate about. I did my undergrad scholarly paper on the effects of child physical abuse. I believe I got a 98% on this final assignment I completed at Penn State, doing the bulk of my research in the Paterno wing of Pattee Library.

I feel like if I don't write about the victims I'll be viewed as uncaring. If I write about how it has had a dramatic impact on me personally and the loss I personally feel on so many levels, I'm somehow the bad guy who misses the whole point of the horrors the victims endured. Despite having worked with victims of abuse for many years and seeing some of the most horrific cases anyone can possibly imagine, people will still accuse me of being selfish or not getting it. I'm pretty sure most of these people have never actually seen the physical and emotional impact of severe abuse on a child and I'm quite sure, they don't get it, nor would they want to.

For me, as I anticipate my trip to Penn State in just 5 days, the loss I feel is what is hitting me the most. Lately anyway, my emotions about all of this are often all over the place. It is this loss and the fact that I have accepted I must take a step back from all of this to regroup and focus on my family.

As I accepted this fact of needing to step back I thought a lot about all I have lost over these nearly 10 months and mostly I feel I have lost my image of Happy Valley. Happy Valley was a place that had this untouchable aura surrounding it. I used to enter this parallel universe upon turning right at the Snappy's onto 322 and the butterfly's would start to flutter with anticipation. It was like being sucked into this bubble of companionship, family and safety. Safety. To me, and I think most Penn Staters, I had this idea that nothing bad could happen in Happy Valley. Sometimes I wonder if that's precisely how all of this was able to happen. The Penn Staters on the board must have had this same idea and that's how they were so inept in their ability to deal with it. After they realized the Happy Valley we all thought we knew ceased to exist decades ago, they should have stepped up though, so don't look at that as an "apologist" sort of statement. Even Joe Pa didn't read the grand jury report until he was forced to because, really, how bad could it be? Nothing truly bad could happen in Happy Valley. And certainly not by one of our own. It was like we were off limits to evil, at least in my mind.

Now, we knew this wasn't exactly true, but it was the imagine I had. It was as if Happy Valley was the closest place I could find that was well, perfect, the world as it should be. From time to time you'd hear of bad things happening but in the grand scheme of things, Happy Valley was as close to heaven as mortals could get. It was my safe place. It was filled with an intoxicating energy I used to crave like a drug. I still do, but then I remember, it doesn't exist, not in the same way.

To have this image stripped away I think has been the most difficult thing for me to accept. It's like a world I knew never existed. It's like all of it was a mirage, a figment of my imagination. I went back the week after Joe Pa passed just to make sure Happy Valley was still there. I needed to see it for myself. I needed to walk down the streets, see, the lion shrine, the stadium standing there in all it's grandeur, the student book store and family clothesline, Baby's, Irvings, the CVS on the corner of Beaver and Pugh I used to live above.... I needed to see it all existed. Funny thing is, I keep forgetting that I no longer turn at Snappy's since the roads were redone. Instead, I don't get the chance for those butterfly's to start and the energy to suck me in because all of a sudden there I am, on Atherton, and I think, wow, it's all so different.

Now, that thought is an epic understatement. Different just doesn't quite describe it. Yet, in so many ways it's all still the same too.

I realized this as I did what seems like my constant scans of the many PSU facebook pages created in the wake of this mess. I have found that these pages I go to daily have become that place I lost. My Happy Valley. WE have become that sense of companionship and family and safety I once viewed as an actual place. I realized that Happy Valley is in me, it's in each of us, because WE created it. For over 150 years, those who came before us and those who have come after us ARE this Eden of my mind. This gave me comfort in the sadness of all it seems I have lost. You all have given me comfort. You all have made me feel less crazy for feeling like I've been grieving over this loss of a place. As a Jew, it's like you all are my diaspora :)

BUT, the constant scanning of these pages as to not miss anything pertinent, the letter writing, the endless reading of article after article that helps to fill in all the missing pieces of this tragedy that the media refuses to report, commenting on our pages threads and working to set the record straight in the hate filled comment sections everywhere else, including on my own facebook page, losing sleep over what feels like a hopeless fight most days, finding myself more and more angry over this loss, other's ignorance and just how damn unfair this ENTIRE thing is, from the victim's loss of innocence to the never ceasing things the BoT can find to put blue ribbons on, I simply can't take it anymore.

I am starting a new journey in my life, one I've waited many years to find an opportunity to take. I began my yoga teacher training program a few days ago. I've been trying to use my yoga as a means to help clear this incessant chatter over what to write to the BoT, the President, Bob Costas and everyone else under the sun. I've used my yoga to help me release some of this anger that seems to compound daily with each lie or distortion of truth I read. I've found I am often unsuccessful and have not been able to truly commit to this next step in my life because I simply can't let it all go. It is beyond all consuming. It feels like a full time job, as I know it does for most of you too. The thing is, I have a full time job which I committed myself to when I quit "working" just over two years ago. I have a 3 year old and an 18 month old that are craving more of my attention, attention I have not been giving them so I can stay on top of all this other stuff. This has compounded my feelings of anger and loss with that of guilt.

I also live each moment with the uncertainty of how alcoholism will impact my family that day. Lately, it's been impacting us a lot and as such, my kids need even more of me. I once again am faced with many difficult decisions that will impact not only the rest of my life but the lives of my children as well. I am open about this here because it's part of my blog anyway, so it's not "news". As such, the only solution I can come up with is to take a step back. I haven't figured out how to force myself to let go a bit as I'm not one to back away from a fight I'm passionate about. I'm also not one to back away when I know I'm right and want to prove that to all those who question it. That's my own selfish motive though. Either way, I need to take a step back, for my own sanity and for my kids.

Maybe it means, only reading posts on one page each day. Maybe it means not commenting so I don't feel compelled to check back so often. Maybe it means not taking part in the abundant writing campaigns. Maybe it means choosing a certain time of day to check in and sticking to that. I just don't know BUT I know seeing the same names each day, commenting on the same things and you all thinking the same things I do has been so comforting I felt I needed to explain why I wouldn't be around as much. I also thought some of you might have ideas for how I can still fight while being able to focus on my family and myself a lot more than I have been for months now.

It always brings me back to  "If I'm not for myself, who will be for me? If I'm not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?" My very first blog post and life motto.

I must be for myself right now or I will not be any good for my family, including my PSU family. I figure, if not now, when? I'm finally doing something for me, my yoga training, so I need to give it all of me or it's pointless.

I fear losing this connection with all of you though will send me back to feeling like I have lost all I thought was true about Happy Valley. I fear I will feel alone in all this again. I'm hoping the energy from the stadium on September 1st will stay with me these next few months to keep me strong and to remind me what we are fighting for. I'm hoping whatever way I decide to step back will sustain me. I'm hoping many of you have some ideas for stepping back while not feeling like I'm too overwhelmed to take care of myself and my family the way I want and need to. I'm hoping those of you have have "friended" me will help keep me in the loop so I can remain educated on the truth and be able to combat the ignorance as it presents itself to me.

I'm REALLY hoping that my yoga practice and teacher training will help me refocus to a point I am able to do ALL of this... all I have been doing to fight for the truth AND allowing me enough time for my training and my family and still getting some sleep!

I love Penn State, I love my Penn State family and I consider each of you family, especially those I've been "talking to" to months now. I dream each day I will wake up to the breaking news of the truth and I know with so many fighting day in and day out one day we will. So.... Fight On Family! I'll be back soon.

We Are....

You Are Special My Big Girl

I've been working on this one for sometime now, to the point that I have changed the time frame in the first sentence about four times! What I am trying to say just isn't coming out the way I want but here I'll try again....


My baby turned three nearly a month ago now. THREE. yikes! Wasn't it yesterday I was eating nachos, watching The Next Food Network Star when it hit me, and the anxiety of the unknown set in, that my little girl was ready to meet us? Yet that was somehow three. years. ago. Time is passing so fast it makes me realize that in no time my baby, sorry, my "big girl", will be starting school, a teenager, a young woman, leaving us for college and starting a life of her very own! I know, I know, I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. But seriously, it is already flying by.


I wanted to write a letter to her for her birthday but I had just written one recently and thought much of it would be the same. It was just this whole "you're not special" thing was big around that time and I thought I should put my two cents in so she would understand why her daddy and I 100% agree with this notion.


So, here goes.


Hey big girl....


I've been thinking a lot about how we can help you grow into that strong and confident young woman ready to take on the world with what seems like endless obstacles working against us. How can we help you reach your full potential and achieve great things? That question is always floating around my head especially when I say something to you that you may not understand and take the wrong way. You're so young and impressionable and I'm keenly aware that the things I say now can become deeply rooted messages you learn and take to heart. I try to choose my words carefully but well, you're three, and a lot of times that is very hard to do in the moment!


When you're being difficult I try very hard to word it "that's bad" because YOU ARE NOT BAD. I try to remind you all the time that you're a good girl because lets face it, you get in trouble a lot. I worry that I get too frustrated with you too often and you might start to think you're not a good person. Or worse, that you might start to think you're not loved. It's impossible to predict how you might interpret things in that little head of yours. I could do it all "right" and you could still think you're not good enough. And we both know I don't do it "right" most of the time, so mostly I just worry that I'm totally screwing you up!


This adds to my worry because your daddy and I agree with this notion that many people are talking about lately, this idea that you're not special. (click link if you're not sure what I'm talking about) I worry that you will take that the wrong way and well, not think you're special.


So, with all this floating around my head, I needed to clarify something for you my big girl. You ARE special. To us. It's just that, other than your family, that's pretty much where any of your "entitled" specialness ends. We know you, we know what you're made of and we know that everything about you is so very special and we love you. That unconditional love entitles you to being special in our hearts.... always. There are very subtle differences in these words, "entitled", "special", "love"... and it is certainly much too complex for a 3 year old to understand of course. But someday, you'll need to understand. And I'm also more aware of how quickly that day will be here and I don't want to be looking on at my 12 year old throwing a tantrum because you weren't put in the game after only going to 1/2  the practices or even bothering to put the time and effort into it, whatever the "it" turns out to be. Or worse yet, crying over a 5th place trophy that should never even exist to begin with.


We aren't the coddling type. If you get a 15th place ribbon we aren't going to tell you that you're the best. You weren't the best. And that's okay. As long as you tried your best and had fun then we'll be happy, and if you want, we'll just keep practicing and try again to do better next time. But don't expect any "you were awesome, you should have won" crap. There's a reason why we have a winner and a loser. It's an important life lesson that is best to learn early, lest you think you are "special" or entitled to rewards you didn't achieve. One of my favorite lines from the commencement speech above was, "if everyone is special then no one is, if everyone gets a trophy then trophies become meaningless". So true.

If you get a C and didn't study we aren't going to feel bad for you or call your teacher and find a way to get it changed. You didn't earn it. You get what you earn in life and if you need help then you need to ask. Daddy and I will ALWAYS be here to help you work towards whatever it is you desire, but we won't hand it to you and you shouldn't expect anyone else to either. Nothing in life should be handed to you if you don't put any effort in, and there's no reason to be given a reward if you didn't earn it. I know Barney is teaching you the opposite of that right now but that's just not reality....


But again, let me make myself very clear... You and your brother are so very special to us. Just not to the rest of whole world. And that's okay. 


No one who is or was special to a vast majority became that way by just showing up. They worked hard, every day, to achieve great things which happened to be recognized by the world. Lots of people do amazing things daily that go unrecognized by most, and that's okay too. The point is that YOU know you're special, that you are confident in yourself, love yourself and are humble enough to know that this alone doesn't entitle you to anything. It's important that you work hard and that you strive to do great things... for you. And that you strive to do good and help make this world a better place... for all of us. Sometimes your efforts won't be noticed. It's okay. Doing great things doesn't entitle you to being special. Nothing you do entitles you to that really.


Nothing worth while is handed to you, nothing. Anything that is isn't worth having anyway. You may end up smart enough to get good grades without trying very hard, like daddy, but push yourself anyway. Try things that are out of your comfort zone and if you're no good at it then feel free to move on. But try. Everyone finds their greatness by focusing on their strengths. It would be silly for you to focus all your efforts on being in the WNBA someday but that doesn't mean if you love basketball you can't go and play, or referee like your great Pap!


"The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life is an achievement, not something that fell into your lap"


Another awesome quote from that speech. Some people didn't like this man's speech. But I LOVED it. I 110% agree with him and those that don't, I believe, are the ones helping to create this world where our children get this erroneous idea that they're entitled and special and everything they desire should be served up on a silver platter. I'm sorry big girl, but you will have to work hard to be better than others if you want to get into the college of your dreams and if you desire a certain job. You'll have to work hard to get promotions. You'll have to prove yourself "special" to be successful in the "real" world.


You may choose to stay home with your future children like I did but that doesn't get you off the hook either. Rather, you have to help your own children realize they aren't all that special despite being the most precious thing in the world to you. That my dear is no easy feat but that is also what will help to secure our futures. Helping you grow into a confident young woman, prepared to work hard to achieve great things, not just for yourself but for society, is precisely what makes me special. Maybe not to the world, but I know I'm contributing to our society in a positive way and that's what matters. But I'm not entitled to the "specialness" simply because I'm a mom. I have to work my butt off everyday and it's hard work.


I know you can do it, whatever the "it" may be. While you may not be special to the rest of the world, you are uniquely you and so very special to your daddy and I. You can do great things, and I know you will.... so long as we can survive these treacherous threes!


Love you baby...oops, I mean, my big girl!


Mommy