Rainbow Bridge

I'm sitting here trying not to cry so I can see the screen. I'm trying not to shake so my fingers can hit the correct buttons on the keypad. I'm trying very hard to put letters into words and words into sentences and to even think clearly because a couple of hours ago my entire brain seemed to short circuit. I went upstairs to my room to grab a book for my neighbor to borrow. What I found was completely unexpected. I saw my fur baby, Apollo, laying at the foot of our bed... and I realized he wasn't moving. I said his name. He didn't move. Like I always do when I call his name and he doesn't move, I looked at his big boxer chest but this time instead of getting that instant relief, I froze and stared a bit longer because I saw it wasn't moving either. I bolted downstairs and told my husband and neighbor that I thought Apollo was dead... and I wasn't going back up there. I've said this before since he can sleep like he's in a coma, so I allowed myself to have a brief moment of hope, the tiniest moment. In my heart I already knew the moment that I saw him. This time I knew he wouldn't be trotting down the steps behind them to greet his mama with his goofy boxer wiggle.

I've never lost a pet. I only had a cat once as a kid but my mom had to give it away when we moved because they wouldn't allow cats. As an adult I found out she didn't take it to a farm like every parent tells their child when they give their pet away, but she took him to the pound. So, I never truly experienced the loss of a pet, because Apollo was my first to lose.

My heart has always ached for those that have lost their beloved pets though. Once I had Apollo I knew how dogs aren't just dogs, they really are family. This dog in particular filled a void for me that no one else could, at a time when I didn't think my heart would ever heal.

I recently adopted another fur child because I felt so guilty that I couldn't spend as much time with Apollo, or give him the attention he needed, once I became so busy with my kids. I hoped that having another pup around would give him the companionship he craved while giving the pup we rescued the comfort of a safe, loving home. And a crazy, big fur brother to play with and protect her. All he wanted was to be loved, and to love. I hope he felt just how much he was loved until his very last breath. Actually, I wish it with everything I have so that just in case he didn't know maybe that energy can reach him wherever he is now and he'll feel it. Despite driving us a bit crazy most days, I loved my Apollo.

That's one of hardest things about this. Apollo was a very high maintenance dog. As such, there were many days when I thought how life would be so much easier once he passed on. I even talked about and looked into finding a good home for him, a couple times. His separation anxiety was beyond compare. Since a little pup with his little cast on, he's been a handful, to say the least. Yes, one of the kids where we bought him dropped him a few days before I was set to pick him and he broke his leg. That whole, oh dogs won't pee and poop where they sleep... yeah, not this crazy guy. He would crap all over his crate as a pup and them stomp through it simply out of spite! I came home from work one day to the whole guest bedroom splattered in his crap! So, we left him out. The first time we tried this he apparently jumped at the front door, scratching and chewing at it, trying to unlock it all day. Another time he managed to use his leash hanging on the closet door to open it and drag everything that was on the floor in the closet out and all around the house. The vacuum, paint brushes, you name it.

So back in the crate he went. He figured out how to unlock the crate with this mouth I assume based on the amount of slobber all over the place. We pad locked it. Not a good idea. He would flail his body off of his crate when he couldn't get it open to the point that we believe he damaged his spleen which is likely what led to twisted stomach which led to surgery for both issues. This was about 5 years ago. So, back to no more crate. Once we had kids the baby gates came in handy. Especially since he took up the hobby of counter surfing. This is a dog who would puke at least weekly due to his anxiety or stomach issues or who knows what but he could eat a pound of raw chicken off the counter and be just fine! If nothing else, Apollo was one of a kind.

Clearly, he was quite the handful. But anyone, anyone he didn't attack that is, because yes, he started to do that shortly before the kids were born, could only say one thing...he's such a good dog. In so many ways he was. Like I said, all he ever wanted was love and attention. Period. He was a 60 pound lap dog whose desire to protect his family often got him in a bit of trouble. He seemed to have a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde personality at times too and would often forget that he just met someone and they were okay and proceed to go after them like he was a momma bear protecting her cubs. Just yesterday he managed to bust through the gate, which wasn't latched properly, and jump on the mailman. Thankfully, he didn't bite him. But that also means yesterday was one of those days where mommy was very angry with her fur baby and the hubs was cursing him and well, today, today he feels a bit like he cursed him to death. And I am feeling so guilty because I can't even remember if I gave him a hug or pet him today!

I'm truly in a state of disbelief. I can't believe that my baby is gone! There were far too many times I dreamed of the day of not having to find someone to house sit him because he couldn't be boarded...the whole crate issue. Days where I wished I could just have the kids friends come over to play but I couldn't take the chance of Apollo jumping on them, or worse, or having him chew and scratch the door I put him behind while we had friends over. There were far too many days when I knew all he wanted was a walk but I couldn't because if he went after someone I might not be able to hold him back and keep the kids safe. I hated having to sit in the "bad doggy" hallway at the vet or waiting for people to come out so we could go in because he was just too unpredictable. There were far too many days when I thought life would be so much easier without him.

Now that day is here and all I can do is cry. All I wish is that he didn't die alone and I could have helped him or at least held him as he moved on to make sure he knew just how much he was loved. I hope he jumped right into my Pap's arms when he crossed over, because I know my Pap's been waiting for his best bud to come meet him again. It's the only part of losing my first baby that gives me the tiniest bit of peace right now. Because right now, I feel like he deserved so much more from me.

 

Mirror Image

I've found people have been irritating me more than usual lately. Or I should say, I'm allowing myself to be bothered by others words and actions. I'm choosing to get frustrated, angry, annoyed...

This isn't exactly a new occurrence. I've always had this love/hate relationship with the human race. Ironic since my career choice was therapy. Though I've changed gears a bit in how I help others find mental clarity, health and wellness through the beauty of yoga, I still chose to work with people. I still desire to see each person I know reach their full potential, to find fulfillment, happiness, and whatever it is their life was destined for. I still feel a part of my destiny is to be a resource for those who wish to use me as one in seeking their path of light and love.

All this makes me analyze my feelings all the more when I find myself so bothered by people and wish everyone could just be a bit more like my dogs, minus the barking at anything that moves and trying to eat strangers part. So basically these past couple weeks I've been stuck in my head psychologizing myself like a good former therapist would do when faced with such a dilemma.

My conclusion came to me the other day and solidified while watching Dexter the other night. No, I'm not a sociopath with an inherent need to kill bad people, sorry, poor foreshadowing on my part. Actually, it's so simple that the fact I still have over 30k in student loans staring me in the face every month makes me a bit nauseated. So, what's the deal? What did I realize? Wait for it....
Sorry, I couldn't resist that one.

Anyway, it turns out that my love/hate relationship with the human race is a mirror image of my love/hate relationship with myself.

Bam! There it is. Profound, I know.

Seriously though, because this is a serious matter. Every time I find myself feeling less than pleased with my fellow (wo)man I can find everything that upsets me about them within myself. A lot of it is from days long ago when, at times, I behaved very differently than I do now. As such, when I realize a person lies, no matter how small, I get very irritated. Angry. Depending on the lie, it can lead me to feel loathing and see red, as some say. Perhaps even feel a bit Dexter-esque! Mostly though, it's little lies from people I may not even be all that close to that have been annoying me. Maybe it's all the lies I hear from living with an alcoholic that combine to make a "little" lie that really doesn't matter weigh on me. Mostly though, I think that it's the fact that I used to lie in such ways.

Example... one time a friend and I didn't feel like studying for an exam so we spent our time concocting this elaborate story about getting a flat tire and being stuck in Pittsburgh and not being able to make it back to school until the next day. Then we were able to take the exam in an office which enabled us to "share" our knowledge. A flat tire? Seriously?! How did a professor believe that ridiculousness? In the grand scheme of life, it's not such a big deal, not like the lies I endure almost daily. Regardless, I don't like that I used to be that person. I don't like when others remind me of that person.

I find myself getting really upset when people talk about others. Known as Lashon Hara in Judaism. I used to be that person too. "hey, check out that shirt she's wearing." "Did you hear what so and so did last night?" "Can you believe... blah, blah..." Gossip is as bad as slander which is as nasty as any evil thing a person can do to another. Not only does it send out unnecessary negative energy that we then have to work extra hard to counter with some positive vibes for the universe, it's simply mean. You can say, stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, in your best na-na-na-na-boo-boo voice but it's simply not true. Words are our most powerful weapons against each other because we all have access to them. They CAN hurt beyond repair. Even if the person you're talking about never knows you spoke them, you know. They are in your heart; your mind. They may even be true. Gossip often is true. But that doesn't make it right.

I can't honestly say I never engage in lashon hara anymore, but I sure do my best to not only watch my words but also my thoughts. Just because I don't comment on how ridiculous someone looks aloud these days, doesn't mean I don't think it sometimes. Along with many other thoughts and sometimes spoken comments that could have been left unsaid. Hey, I'm human! And I shop at WalMart once in awhile. Enough said.

Bottom line though, thoughts are a powerful energy. They can hurt.... and they can heal. These days I try to focus on the healing energy, because God knows, we all need to heal in some way or another. 

I get irritated when people can't see the error of their ways. When they can't admit they were wrong. Now this one is probably my most challenging work in progress. However, like I tell my husband, I tend to stick with things I know. Which means, I often am right! I don't talk just to talk. Unless I've been drinking, which is rare these days. If I discuss something, it's usually because I am at least fairly well informed on the subject. If it turns out I'm not, I can admit that. But... when it's a topic I know I'm well informed on and I'm sure I'm right, I get very frustrated when others can't see it my way. You know, the right way!

This frustration is predominately with my husband and most often surrounding parenting. Now, I'm no expert on parenting, that's for damn sure. But, I am well educated regarding human behavior and human development and when it comes to my kids, no one knows them better. I am with them 24/7/365, so when I talk to him about the importance of consistency, among other fundamental concepts that pertain to raising them, and he continues to do what I feel is sabotaging everything I work on with them each day during his hour of fun time each night, I get VERY irritated.

A lot of this boils down to not feeling like he's an equal partner in the parenting process due to his drinking. This often goes back to my nasty thoughts which puts negative energy out in our grand universe and I don't like this about myself. I don't like it about others either. Thus, people have been irritating me more lately! All the negative energy spewing out into our world. It's sad really.

What I've found is that each time someone reminds me of something I loathe about myself, my disdain for the human race begins to seep back in again. It breaks through that barrier of love I work on each day and slowly builds back up with each reminder. I start to only see the reminders; all the parts of me I can't stand. And as a result, I can't stand anyone. Even every little thing my kids do drives me crazy. Which in turn makes me a craptastic mommy during those times, which simply builds on that self hate and loathing of all people who remind me I'm being a craptastic mommy! 

Whew. That's some viscous cycle, I know! Really, I know. 

Now, have no fear. I also have the solution. Mainly because I've had to break free from this many times. The only way out is love. It's that simple. And that hard. That's sort of the epitome of the whole love/hate relationship after all. 

The difference this time is that now I know why I find myself so darn pissed at others and why my faith in humanity wax and wanes so often. I have placed yet another valuable piece to the jigsaw puzzle known as my life. It's not that I can't stand people, it's simply that I can't stand myself, or parts of who I used to be anyway. I can't control other people and what they do. But, I can control myself and how I act; who I am. I learned that long ago and made some changes. Changes I'm happy with. Which means there is always hope for humanity. There's always hope for me. And as long as I dig deep, there's always love.

The most important love is for oneself. If you don't love yourself, you can't love others. Next would be for others, family, friends... But love for those you don't feel deserve it, enemies if you will. Now that's the epitome of love. If I'm not for myself, who will be for me? If I'm not for others, what am I? And if not now, when? Yes, it all goes back to the beginning. The words that changed me.

Ultimately, it's really the guilt from my past that I hate, not me. But guilt is a whole other nasty pile of dog doo doo for another post, another time. You love those cliff hangers, huh?!

In the meantime... this song is one of my top 5 favorite of all time and it tends to remind me of this whole love solution thing. So... enjoy, and may you all find and hold on to your love.

 

Betty Crocker Madness

This is by far the longest I have gone without writing since I started this blog a little over a year ago. Which reminds me, I missed my bloggeversary! Oops. Oh well. These last three weeks have been a bit out of control.

If you follow me on Facebook then you have a good idea of all the hoopla that's been running me around these past 3 weeks like an even more insane mom than I already was! Rota Virus hit the kids while away for the week. Or a stomach bug that resembled it but not as bad as some horror stories I've heard or as bad as my step dad got it after we left. Two pipe breaks at the house. The sound of jet engines is still raging in our basement as the professionals continue their drying process and making their best efforts to not pull drywall out. To be honest, I wouldn't mind it getting redone!

On the plus side of things, our new fur baby has finally arrived! Nellie is as sweet as they come and also quite scared/skidish. She still won't eat much, 10 days later, and hides in our bedroom most of the time. She's afraid of Craig, really she's afraid of anyone but me! I guess the crazy kids running and yelling and mom running and yelling after them and our crazy boxer barking at anything or anyone that comes within 100 feet of our home and all these contractors in and out like a revolving door this past week... she's not quite sure what to make of this mad house! Hopefully she gets more comfortable soon. She's quite precious.

Getting used to her big brother Apollo!

Smelling good after her first grooming!



Bonding with Rylie. She sleeps with Caleb :)

Probably the most impacting part of our lives though has been some new diets! We saw the holistic doctor everyone kept recommending to me. He did muscle testing on the kids and I. Yes, I'm aware that modern medicine thinks this is nonsense and many would call him a "quack". That's another post for another day! Anyway, I've been on an antifungal and no nightshades diet while the kids are enjoying dairy and gluten free foods for two weeks.

My son also had his allergist appointment and it turns out that "quack" was right with at least part of it.... the boy is in fact allergic to dairy... and eggs, tomato, some outside mold spore and possibly cats and ragweed. Everything was mild to moderate (eggs being the moderate) so nothing to really worry about. He can probably get him off his prilosec and get his eczema cleared up if we avoid these things when possible, which was my goal.

So basically I've been like Betty Crocker on speed these past couple weeks and THAT is worth posting about. I would not call myself a cook by any stretch of the word. As a matter of fact I avoid it when possible. But, in my quest for us all to eat and live "cleaner" I'm doing my best. I also have been quite proud of myself with some of the things I've made, via recipe and even my own ideas, so I thought I'd share with you all! Or more pat my own back, but who's to say you won't enjoy some of this delicious foods too?!

I jumped right in with gluten free blueberry pancakes hoping to start these diets off with a bang. Technically I shouldn't have eaten them since the flour had potato starch in it (potatoes are nightshades) but I haven't been perfect on this adventure, that's for sure! This one was simple. I bought some gluten and dairy free pancake mix at the store and made it to recipe. Just added some frozen organic blueberries in there and cooked them using coconut oil. Kids gobbled them right up! Actually, Rylie has been eating much better these past two weeks and Caleb finally drinks milk since we swtiched to vanilla almond milk. Which means he needs to potty train A-sap because this boy is going through diapers like a newborn now that he finally drinks! I'm not complaining though. I'm just happy I finally found things that don't hurt their little bellies.

Tonight was make your own pizza night. Always a fun one for the kiddos! I got gluten and dairy free pizza crust and we made our own dough because all the store bought ones had egg. We substituted flax seed meal for egg so Caleb could enjoy it too. We mixed it all together with the electric mixer, a favorite part for Rylie! It was a bit more sticky than pizza dough should be but we just sprinkled some of our gluten/dairy free all purpose flour on the pizza pan and my hands and it turned out pretty good. Even with the veggie mozzarella cheese. The boy ate two pieces! He must miss his tomatoes. I'm hoping that allowing some of the foods he's allergic to in moderation will keep the reflux and eczema at bay as they've been notably better over the past week. I mean, every kid deserve to eat pizza, even if it isn't the tasty clog your arteries kind :) Anyway, here was the final product! Sadly, again, I can't enjoy because we put yeast in the crust but I did steal a taste.

Since I can't eat vinegar it's made eating salad's challenging. I was thinking of how sick I was of simply using lemon juice and olive oil so while I cut some strawberries for the kids lunch I had a brilliant idea! I pureed what was left of the strawberries, added some lemon juice and used that as my dressing. So good. Then I added some raw honey to what was left, blended it again and poured that onto our new popsicle molds... since we were down to one strawberry pop left. Mmmm Mmmmmm. Too bad I can't eat any sugar on my antifungal diet so I can't have them either, but I snuck a bite in. Have to make sure what the kids eat is good, right? The perks of being the mom :) If your kids are like mine and love treats, these will make you feel good about what you're giving them. (these ones are not mine but from the recipe linked below)

Give them a try!

 

I also made a yummy dairy, gluten and egg free meatloaf just in case the kids decided to give it a try. Caleb had a few bites but of course they didn't eat it. It doesn't specify gluten free in the recipe but oats are okay on this gluten free diet or you can buy the gluten free oats. It was quite tasty, even Craig agreed, so it will be added to our mix of meals from now on.

I've been the muffin momma, moreso than usual I should say. I make 3 batches in 10 days! It's my salvation when I'm craving bread products (obviously no yeast is part of antifungal!) Sadly, the last batch turned out nasty as I only had 3 instead of 4 bananas but since they were pretty big I thought it might work. Not so much. But, these recipes are good, when made right and not overcooked! AND, you can make them gluten free! I used oat flour for each of them and the gluten/dairy free all purpose flour for the ones I was down a banana. Maybe they didn't turn out well because of the different flour?

This morning I made walnut kale pesto. Only 5 ingredients and it passed the husband taste test effortlessly, despite him being quite skeptical. I asked if I should freeze some and he said "nah, it won't lat long." I think I'll try it on pasta for dinner tomorrow, maybe with some crackers or carrots for snack. The possibilities are endless! The best part is this is one you can make extra and freeze so you don't have to be Better Crocker every single day. I'm determined to eat this not so tasty on its own superfood as much as possible and this article gives many yummy looking ways to achieve that goal! Here's my first one...

Last but certainly not least are these insanely delicious treats. They taste like dessert but can be eaten for breakfast or snack or whenever your heart desires! I've made them three times now in less than 2 weeks. The last time (last night) I doubled up the recipe. The kids aren't interested in the way they look so they won't even try them which was fine by me because I ate them all myself with no problem! I used walnuts the first two times before I realized it said substitute almonds or pecans if you can't find hazelnuts (which I couldn't). These are to die for, in my opinion. I didn't drizzle with the coconut milk because as some of you may know, I despise coconut. Which sucks given it is so good for so many things. I'd imagine if you like coconut, adding that little touch would be truly heavenly though.

Here's the easy recipe, try them yourself!

Mine!

 

 

And this is the reason for my long absence! I promise not to leave you all hanging for such an extended time again but I think all this deserves a free pass for this one time, right?! Well, I'm off to find a chocolate zuchini bread recipe we all can enjoy! Back to our "quack" doc that has helped ease my chronic pain when no one else could, relieve Caleb's eczema and we are just about fully off of prilosec in this house...all in two weeks. If we don't test sensitive to any of these things anymore we should be able to just focus on the dairy and egg free for Caleb but I think I may stick with the gluten free as much as we can afford to since something about all this clearly is helping.

 

Let me know if you try any of these recipes. I'd be interested to hear if everyone else likes them too! If you have any to share please post in the comments for all to enjoy. And feel free to share this with your friends. 

 

Namaste. 

 

 

 

 

Who Am I and Who Are You? Yes, You!

I have another post in the works but since I was tagged by the wonderful and funny momma, Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here, with this light and lively Who am I? Who are You? I thought I'd play along first. This is a little game recently brought back to life by some pretty awesome bloggers like My Daily Jenn-ism and Menopausal Mother and more if you check them out and then simply follow the yellow brick road. It seems some smart lady blogger condensed the old version a bit, or I probably would have passed  on this. Let's face it, answering 45 questions about myself for free and not in relation to health care is CRAAAZY talk in my busy world. Heck, even in relation to health care it's crazy talk.

So anyway, if I ever write a book like every other mom blogger in the world is doing, here's my personal bio for the last page where you read all that stuff about the author!

1. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Pittsburgh, PA. About 10 minutes south of the city. And yes, like every other person from the Burgh I was born and bred a Steeler fan, which is a birthright passed down maternally. My Philly bred, Eagles fan husband has no say. See ...

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
I was. Or so the story goes....After my dad got kicked out of the delivery room for threatening the doctor because my mom had been in labor FOREVER, he left and was watching Charlie's Angels. My mom was convinced I was a boy. Even after finally having a c-section and coming around she said I wasn't her baby because she had a boy! I was supposed to be Justin Mathew. Anyway, my dad came up with Jaclyn after Jaclyn Smith. Marie is after my mom's late Aunt Marilyn. (It's a Jewish  tradition to name your children after those who have died...like in many other cultures)

And so it was... Justin Mathew turned out to be Jaclyn Marie!

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
I have 2 beautiful PITA's. PITA #1 is my 3 year old daughter and #2, my son, will be 2 in a few days! I'm not ready for my baby to not be a baby anymore! I also had two for sure miscarriages and another very early one, though the doctor thought it was a false pregnancy, I know my body well enough, I was pregnant, even if just for a couple weeks.

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
One dog who is king PITA of the house! Well, aside from the husband of course. I have a boxer who will be 9 in May. He's had issues since I got him as an adorable pup. He's on Prozac. Yes, Prozac. It helps. He's nuts, but he's my nut

And, since starting this post I received word that we were approved to adopt this sweet girl, Nellie!

Should have her in about 10 days. I'm very nervous to make the leap to two doggy's but I figure it's a better move than a 3rd baby!






5. YOUR WORST INJURY?
I don't get hurt. Really. No broken bones or stitches...ever. (knock on wood, right ?!) I would get sprains as a kid and act like I broke my ankle! If I skinned my knee I wouldn't bend it to walk for weeks! Seriously. Having a baby puts pain in a whole new perspective. But injury, nothing to note.

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Nope, not really. Nothing like this anyway!

 

I am good at things like yoga. Sometimes I can surprise myself with my creativity or thinking outside the box, like making a homemade kite out of paper and pom poms because we were out of string and the kids up and decided they wanted to go fly kites... and it was raining. Things like that. But I am in NO WAY talented in the artsy arena. So again, nothing special to note in the talent department. I feel boring.

 

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?

Probably muffins. I like muffins. Homemade of course. That's not sarcasm. I have issues with premade cake and muffin mixes. Mainly because I use whole wheat flour, honey and applesauce instead of sugar and oils when I bake. 

 

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
I loathe fast food. I work extra hard to eat healthy. As healthy as I can anyway. I'm not perfect by any means. I eat fast food if it's the most convenient, like when on the road, but I don't like it and feel crappy after. I also grew up on fast food so I have some fast food issues!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I used to want to. Not so much anymore. I have more of a fear of heights than I thought I did.

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their aura. It's the yogi in me, what can I say? I have this feeling when I meet fake people. I get an uneasy feeling and well, I just don't enjoy being in their energy space. I notice if people make eye contact too. Mainly because I've been doing a rather crappy job at the whole eye contact thing since having kids. I tend to keep my eyes on them at all times and forget I'm talking to someone and should probably look at them from time to time. Reasonable enough. But since I got so used to that, I realized I do it even when my kids aren't with me!

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I cut an onion today and the tears were pouring out!
Seriously, I have a hard time crying. College peeps would LOL if they read that but for many years now, it's true. An honest to God good cry, it's been a long time. Can't recall even. I cried at my Pap's bedside and after he passed and a couple times after thinking of him. I tear up about once a month but no real tears. TO be honest, it sort of sucks. A good cry is good for the soul.

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
Um, I'm a mom. Nuff said.

13. NAME 3 DRINKS THAT YOU DRINK REGULARLY?
Water, Coffee, Wine. In that order.
Though I don't drink nearly enough water and it's always a goal of mine. Yes, I stress over my lack of water consumption. And when I say coffee, I tend to go for for the latte sort, so I guess technically I drink more milk than wine.

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?

Team Edward!

When I find a good book, or I should say a book I like, I can't put it down. I tend to procrastinate starting a book for many reasons and excuses. I've been in a book rut lately, with MANY on my to-read list. That said, I like easy reads. I LOVE the Harry Potter series and Twilight, Hunger Games and Girl trilogies. I mean LOVE in that I get completely obsessed with them. I ignore my kids, housework, everything... even have the book in front of me while I cook, eat and use the potty. I would put them down to shower and drive, though considered getting them on CD for those purposes.

Recently I loved reading How Yoga Works during my teacher training. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Enjoyed a number of the classics like The Catcher in the Rye and also have yet to read many of them too, like Withering Heights. No, I've never read it. Nope, not lying.

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
Not really. I'm not into stealing. Though Izzy and Jake are pretty cool. They are the good pirates. And seriously, what girl wouldn't love to be stuck on a ship with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Certainly not this one! But other than that, nope, a pirate's life is not for me. (Yes, I sang that in my head)

16. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Buy from me!

Young Living Peace and Calming oil.

Yes, the picture is a shameless plug for you to buy some oils from me! Message me if interested :)




Love lilac! Would love a lilac bush around the house somewhere.
Old school cologne, like Dakar and Polo. Reminds me of high school crushes and my husband in college. I'm sure people still wear these, I'm sure we have Polo around the house somewhere, but it's more the nostalgia.

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG?
To keep my self talk from driving me completely insane and to connect with others who are going through similar experiences. I do this for both support and to hopefully help others through being honest about how I am dealing with this thing called life. Before being a mommy I was a therapist (mental health), so it's in my blood to want to help if I can. I also love how we are all connected in some way and blogging often reminds me of that!

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Hmmm. I'll have to come back to this one.

Okay, I thought about it last night and the first thing that came to me was Bob Marley. Anyone who really knows me knows he is my all time fave, though I rarely listen to Bob anymore...or anything other than a top 40ish radio station and kid toons. Recently while working on a playlist for a tot yoga class I was subbing for I realized how much I miss Bob and music in general. I need to put this new iPod to good use and start soothing my soul with some good tunes! So, I think I like this one for my funeral... that's if you do music at a Jewish funeral. I don't think you do for some reason. (click "this one" in case you didn't realize that, to hear my funeral song)

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Just one? Not possible.
My anger
My difficulty with letting things go
Right now it's all the pains my body is experiencing for an unidentifiable reason.
I really dislike my acne.Does anyone like acne? It makes me self conscious when it's bad. I prefer to feel confident. I feel silly since I'm 35, not 15. It just sucks.
Battling waves of depression. (the post I was working on before I was tagged to do this)

20. FAVORITE HOBBY?
I don't really have a hobby like stamp collecting or scrap booking. I have made one scrapbook though and it turned out pretty awesome for a first timer, but they are WORK! I'd have to say yoga was my hobby but now it's my career, hopefully. So, I'm not sure it can still be classified as my hobby.
Ooooh, I do have an all girl fantasy football league. I think that can be considered a hobby. If so, that's my favorite.

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
Loyalty. You don't have to agree with me but even if we agree to disagree, you'd have my back if someone else had something bad to say! Period.

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO?
Everything I do is with purpose, intent or I believe I was meant to do it... BUT I guess I could say paragliding in Switzerland. It was over a decade ago and I always knew I would travel, though I can't say I imagined it or planned on that at the time.
That's part of why I no longer have a desire to bungee jump, skydive or anything else that involves flying high in the sky. I thought I was going to puke the whole time. Though, it was a pretty view.

23. FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO?
Prekid or now?

Kid fun... watching the kids sing and dance. Anything that makes their little faces light up with excitement. Amusement and water parks. Cooking out with family, playing yard games. Prekid and now actually.

Prekid.... Penn State tailgating and games. NOTHING compares to the energy of Beaver Stadium. Nothing.









24. ANY PET PEEVES?
Many. Shall I list them all?
Ignorance is #1. There's no excuse for it. There are endless avenues to learn whatever your heart desires. Or at least whatever you feel a need to comment on. Know about it first!
Wasting food, wasting anything.
When counters are left wet... or sinks and I lean in it.
Tailgating, that's more a road rage thing than a pet peeve. It's so unsafe people, geesh!
When my husband makes a comment but I know he wants to say something else.
Oh, I could write a whole post of pet peeves. I'll stop here.

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
My kids. Everyday. Many times each day. I could share a few videos but if you read this long, well, I'm impressed and I won't force you to watch my short home video clips!

Stupid Facebook posts tend to make me chuckle quite often too. Actually, since it took me 3 days to do this post, this is what made me giggle last night. Not sure why, but it did.

And that's all she wrote folks! Geesh, I should have stuck with my more serious one! This took FOREVER.

Most of the bloggers I thought of tagging were already tagged. The rest...I don't know well enough or have won all sorts of awards and really know what they are doing with this blogging thing so I feel silly.....
Here's a couple I like who I follow on Facebook but I don't know them all that well. I've been bad at keeping up with anyone's blogs lately. Time, time, time... there's never enough of it! So, maybe they'll play along, maybe not. You should check them out either way. I think you'll like them!

Modern Mama Dramas
Mommy Unmuted
SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness (I love dad blogs!)

My followers can feel free to comment by answering their favorite question too! If you so desire.

Namaste and Good Night!! I'm so happy to be done with this post!

Throwing in the Towel

This was not the blog I intended to write today. It's not the one that's been on my mind for the past few days as I soak in these Days of Awe. Which is the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  It's a time of reflection, repentance and taking a good long hard look at myself and what I need to do to be a better person, to be better for my family and our world. This is not that blog because today is one of those days when I just need to throw in the towel and release a bit.

Caleb has been up the past two nights. Last night he refused to go to sleep until 11:30pm after going to bed, late, at 8:30. Now, me being up all night isn't exactly news given my insomnia and Rylie's antics, who happened to sleep these past two nights, of course. BUT Caleb being up is not usual and it is more frustrating because it's not the norm. I didn't think much of it though. Just like when he had a fever on Monday for a brief time, I didn't think much of that. It came and went and he was acting fine.

bruise on his little cheek 

He also fell on Sunday and we still don't know what he hit his face on but he got a small cut on his cheek and a bruise. He looks a mess between that and what appeared to be the fall/winter redness kids get around the mouth from licking, often their runny little nose. Yesterday at Rylie's dentist appointment the dentist mentioned it might be yeast which they can get from licking outside their mouth too. She suggested trying neosporin first and some anti fungal if that didn't work. Well, it was significantly worse today so we were going to go the yeast treatment route later today....


More on where that's going in a bit.

The rest of my morning went something like this.... alarm went off, I hit snooze. Before the snooze went off I reset the alarm for another 10 minutes and figured if worse came to worse the kids could eat cereal from snack cups on the way to school. Instead, everything went pretty smooth considering the late wake ups on a school day. As I was giving myself a bit of a good job mommy pat on the back that we managed to get dressed and eat and were about ready to head to school in plenty of time, I heard Rylie from the bathroom as she finished up brushing her teeth. She said, "I need to go potty". I went in and found what she should have said is, "I just pissed my pants" while standing on the little potty, fully clothed, socks and shoes and all.

Hand one thrown up in the air.

After a  minor mommy meltdown, I hate being late, and much anxiety over leaving pee unattended to until I returned home, I did a quick wash down of her little butt and legs in the tub, grabbed a new outfit and we were racing out the door....again. We made it right on time. Bit of a pat on the back again.

Dropping Caleb off was another one of those pry the screaming child from his death grip and run out the door feeling like a crappy mom for leaving her child so upset. What does a mommy do in such a situation? Why you drive to the nearest coffee shop for some comfort of course! Mind you, I had a coffee I made at home in the car with me, but that just doesn't say comfort food, or drink in this case, like coffee from the coffee shop does.

I pulled in and sent the husband a quick text about my ever so eventful morning and got out of my car to a nice man waiting by his car to inform me that the coffee house was NOT OPEN!

I held up my WTF sign. If you're not sure of my WTF reference, read this at some point. She's awesome. Anyway, hand two was about half thrown up as I pondered what sort of karma was after me today.

I ran home to quickly clean up the pee, and peed on clothes, shoes and potty, left all over the bathroom and to grab the dog for his yearly check up. The vet without kids, woowho! That may be better than a vacation. Eh, not really, but damn close. Not to mention, the vet isn't so bad on the eyes. In short, Apollo didn't try to kill any of the other dogs as he's sporadically has tried to do in the past, which landed us in the bad doggy waiting room for all future visits at our vet in St. Louis. He didn't growl or act like he wanted to eat any of the humans heads off either. Score! He also is very healthy for a pure bred, 8 year old boxer with various ailments. The vet was very pleased that he is a prozac "success story" and we got another year worth of the magic pill. Score again! Though I felt a bit guilty as I realized this appointment was the most individualized attention my first baby has received from me in three years! I suck. But not as bad as the people who took him from our front steps when he got out and waited like a good boy right at the gate. When they brought him back they scolded us for not having a collar on him and told us his microchip didn't scan after I explained our fenced in yard and microchip was the reason for no collar. Yes, well, his chip scanned just fine. People are asses. Anyway....

I went to a different coffee shop and finally got my comfort drink before rushing back home to drop Apollo off and go pick up the rugrats, whew. I'm sort of tired just reliving it all!

Pick up went smoothly today. I just love when Rylie squeals, "Mooommmmyyyy" and runs to give me a hug. Caleb came back to me the way I left him, in tears. Just like all the other 1 year olds from his class. The teachers claim they aren't like that the whole time. Upon getting home we went stright for the bathroom to wash hands. These illnesses are killing me so that's standard.

Umhmmm, well, remember that "yeast" or rash or whatever on Caleb's face I said I would get back to in a bit? We finished washing hands and as I dried his I noticed those same bumps on the palms of his hands. The light bulb went off as I said OH SHIT! Probably aloud, I'm not sure. I grabbed my phone and called the pediatrician immediately, praying I was over reacting. Five minutes later the nurse called back as I explained everything since Monday and she said, "Yup, that's hand, foot, mouth." I think I groaned because she then said,  "Sorry."

I only know what it is from having worked with kids for so long, but I've never seen it, except in pictures. She says there's no treatment and it's not contagious if he doesn't have a fever anymore. BUT, I feel like I need to go wash every toy he may have touched or put in his mouth over the past few days in some bleach water. I don't know the little things like, do I change his toothbrush now or once the blisters are gone? Should I wipe him with his own cloth after meals, or even a paper towel and not worry about being green in this case? If it's not contagious now, does that in fact mean touching his hands or wiping his mouth won't spread it and if that's not the case, well how in the hell will I ever get rid of it or keep the rest of us from getting it?! Yes, freak out mode ensued. I text Craig, again.

I honestly should be researching about this virus instead of writing to release my freak out emotions but there's a lot I should be doing, like not having Rylie watch TV while I write you all, playing with her outside on this beautiful day, studying for yoga, folding laundry, working on the sink full of dishes...... But here I am.

BECAUSE, it didn't end there. Nope, as I put Caleb down for nap, late, I came downstairs to find Rylie playing in the play room with no panties on. I didn't specify naked because all she wears at home is panties soooo.... I asked her why she was naked. She ignored me. There's a surprise. I went in the bathroom and once again she didn't make it to the toilet. This time she tried so there was pee on the shower mat and over to the toilet, all over the toilet and floor and some on the bath rug too. Fan-freakin-tastic! It's a small bathroom but still.

I grabbed up all the wet stuff, again, and went down to do another load of peed on clothes, towels and rugs. And there you have it folks, I officially throw my arms up in defeat. I throw in the towel for today. Some you win and some you lose. Today I stood in the ring with mommy verse the world or karma or whatever this is, and I decided for my sanity it would be best to forfeit to the powers that be. Until next time....

Though, I do still have yoga class tonight.

Watch, there's probably a quiz I am unaware of since I always forget to check the syllabus!

Even though I threw in the towel,
I'm trying to remember this today!

Birthdays and The Butterfly Effect

My first son, my furry son, turned EIGHT today. Eight, wow, this boggles my mind. I remember driving from Baltimore to Lancaster, PA to look at him with a friend of mine. We were doing AmeriCorps together at the time and in less than two months our year of service would be complete and I was moving to St. Louis to live with my (now ex) fiance. Despite this poor memory of mine I often harp on, I remember meeting Apollo for the first time like it was yesterday. Maybe because it was the first time I really got to experience the Amish. Who would have guessed I eventually live in Lancaster for 3 years someday!

Youngest pic I could find of him.
Probably about a month after I got him.

I remember the breeder calling to tell me one of his kids dropped him, he broke his leg and I could get a refund on my deposit or a discount. I considered him mine already so of course I drove there the next day to pick him up, despite not planning to pick him up for a few more. The nuns at the convent I was living in during my year of service were very kind and allowed me to keep him there since it was just a few days. Yes, I said nuns. And yes, I said "convent I was living in". Yes, everyone laughs, it's okay, I do every time I say it too!

Anyway... little did I know Apollo would turn out to be one of the world's most challenging animals to own, my first dog and quite possibly my last, if Craig has it his way. He has had stomach issues from the start, I of course had his broken leg to deal with in the beginning, he's had surgery for a damaged spleen and twisted stomach, he pukes frequently, can't eat anything but his food, not even treats, he has separation anxiety and is now on Prozac for that, he has ruined doors, furniture, kids toys, carpets, snatched our dinners off the counter, he's also very unpredictable and has run after neighbors and acts like he's going to eat the mailman's head off if he's out when the mail arrives here at our new home... he's a handful to say the least!

Kitchen door and trim at our new house.
He went on Prozac shortly after!

Until my (less furry) children arrived I probably would have ended that last sentence with, but he's mine and I love him. Now his challenges along with my young children make him more of a nuisance and this makes me feel awful. He really is a sweet dog. If he could have someone's undivided attention 24/7 he would be the best dog around; the mailman may not agree! He was great with my Pap. It's hard not to look at Apollo and think if only.... I truly believe if my Pap could have taken Apollo he'd still be with us today. He loved this dog so much, more than me I sometimes think! It didn't work out that way for many reasons, but part of why I try to hang on and not find him a good home is because of my Pap. He would want him here with us, with his family. So, we trudge on.

Happy Birthday Old Man :)

But mostly Apollo reminds me of just how different my life could have been now, eight years later. You see, I bought Apollo to help ease the pain from my first miscarriage. He became the baby God decided wasn't meant to me. He provided me with the mothering; nurturing need I lost almost as soon as I accepted I was going to be a mom. I had a really difficult time dealing with my first loss. I've analyzed this quite a bit and will write about it another time but the point is, I remember it all, not like my second loss. I remember seeing that positive test, and taking three more! To say I was freaking out might be a bit of an understatement. I remember my due date was July 31. I remember my first OB appointment. I remember the names I had picked out by 12 weeks. I realized something was wrong on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, on my way back to Baltimore from a weekend of apartment hunting in St. Louis. I found out the next day I had actually miscarried somewhere around 9 weeks and had surgery the following day or maybe it was two days. My ex flew in, my mom, dad and step mom drove in. I was surrounded by so much love and support but the pain was unbearable. I just couldn't deal with it. I let that pain sit for too long and as I mentioned in a previous post, at one point was on a hefty cocktail of an anti anxiety, antidepressant and a sleeping pill. This was nearly two years later.

It's difficult not to think of all of this when Apollo's birthday comes around. He was my "replacement baby" and now he is a reminder of these terribly trying days that turned to years. A reminder of a life I can't even picture. I don't really even try anymore because I realize that there is a slim chance that Craig and I would have found each other again had that fetus grew into my first child. As such, Rylie and Caleb wouldn't exist. That's one of those gasping thoughts that turns all other thoughts to a hazy swirl of grey until they just wash away.

The therapeutic tree planted to help with the loss... 8 years later

That thought alone ends my wandering mind of the baby that never came to be, of what he or she would be like or become, because life without my two little munchkins is even more unimaginable than the life that was not meant for me. The butterfly effect of this one single moment in my life is truly remarkable. Maybe that's why I remember it all so clearly, because it led me to where I am now. It ultimately led to my beautiful children. That pain that I was so convinced would never subside led to many forks in the road over the past eight years. I made decision after decision as to which path to stroll down and then held on tight, praying it was the best choice.

So, the way I see it, Apollo's birthday is a reminder each year of how many years it's been since that pain washed over me, since my first chance at motherhood vanished. It's a reminder of how that pain, and a whole lot of other emotions, decisions and experiences in between, in the end led to joy, love, frustration... to the motherhood I was meant to experience.

Apollo's a good boy, he deserves more from me but at least he has two little monsters that think he's even cooler than mom so I hope he's still a happy dog and I hope he knows he's still loved!
Happy Birthday buddy! And thank you for the reminder each year of all I have.

Rylie loves to cuddle with her Apollo

An old one (obviously) but a fave,
Caleb at 2 months getting some lovin from is pow pow!

Wild and Wonderful

Back in December we had a special visitor to our new home (of three months, at the time) here in West Virginia. One evening I went downstairs to do some laundry and saw all sorts of lint and debris on the dryer. I looked around wondering if there was a hole in the vent or something and called my husband down when I couldn't find any issues.

Me (very concerned): What could cause something like this?
(worried the laundry would pile up until we could get it fixed or there was some other serious issue in this old house we bought)

Craig looks up in the rafters and all around and calmly responds: A squirrel

Me: How do you know?

As I said this, upon seeing my husband looking at him, Rocky came flying through the rafters and jumped down, clearly not noticing I was also there, right on me! I screamed, jumped on Craig and then pretty much in the washer, as if it could protect me from the rogue squirrel. By now the dog and Rylie had come down to investigate all the commotion.

Apollo caught sight of our new friend and the race around the basement ensued. Picture frames were knocked down, I was screaming and half still hiding, half peeking out the door, plotting how I could make my way up the stairs in the middle of the basement without getting caught in the chase. Rylie was in the middle of it all laughing with Craig saying, "get em Apollo!" as I screamed "No, don't let the dog get him!"

The chase came full circle as Apollo ran the squirrel right back towards me. In my feeble effort to run for the stairs I ended up stuck in the doorway as Rocky once again flew at me, hopping from the bed, off the door, on to my shoulder and back up into the rafters where we lost track of him. Craig looked and looked and determined he was well hidden and there was nothing we could do about it.

We went upstairs and Craig said he would get a live trap and catch him tomorrow.

Me: I'm supposed to sleep with a squirrel in the house?! What if he gets into the baby's room? What if he has rabies?!?! WHAT IF HE BITES ONE OF THE KIDS! (My panic grew with each more disastrous thought)

Craig (very calm): He doesn't have rabies, he won't get into the main part of the house, I'll get him tomorrow. By now he couldn't stifle his laugh any longer and was dying as he managed to get out, "You should have saw your face, that was the funniest thing I've ever saw, I can't wait to tell everyone!"

He then starting texting everyone he knew to relay the story. Laughing the whole time. Yes, yes, real funny, a crazy squirrel jumps on your wife, nearly kills me and it's funny.

Rylie proceeded to open the basement door the rest of the night and the next two days while we had our guest staying with us, calling "squirrel, squirrel". I calmed down, posted my status to facebook where people weren't sure if I was quoting a scene from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation or not and then Craig and I looked at each other as we do more than once a week, shook our heads and said "Effin West Virginia".

It took two days because someone at Craig's work
had this trap he could borrow,
of course they did...effin West Virginia!

Since moving here 8 months ago we tend to blame every crazy thing that happens, ridiculous thing we see, incompetent person we encounter on the state of West Virginia. Unfair? Sure, but we are Pennsylvanians at heart and well, that's just what Pennsylvanians do, make fun of West Virginians!

Today I saw a very pregnant lady walking her dog at the park and I thought, oh good for her getting out before it's too hot, I remember those days, walking and hoping (praying) I'd go into labor. Then I saw the cigarette she was smoking and I shook my head and thought, effin West Virginia.

I spent two days this week calling the doctor and express scripts after finding out the Dr. called in my new prescription to the wrong place. I wanted to get it locally first to make sure I want to stick with it before getting a 3 months supply. I explained this before leaving the doctor on Friday and was told to call for the 3 month supply once I decided, yet they still called it into the mail order. I got it sorted out but making 5-6 unnecessary phone calls over the course of two days with these two munchkins is challenging. I thought... Ahhhh, effin West Virginia.

I also had to go back to Lowe's this week after being charged duplicate times for a handful of our garden items. The woman scanned them and when done realized only a couple items scanned. We took her word for it that she didn't double up on those items when she redid it all. Stupid us for not checking, but yup, we said, effin West Virginia!

And once again the mailman left our box open and once again something important came and was soaking wet after some bad storms. Once again Craig flipped and wanted to wait for him and tell him what he thought of his incompetence with his fist but we settled for shaking our heads and saying, you got it... effin West Virginia!

This was all just this week, so you can imagine the past 8 months!

When we told people we were moving and said where to they either would say, "Why would you do that?" or hear wrong and say, "Oh, Virginia, nice!" We'd say, "NO, West Virginia" and the consistent response then was, "oh". The jokes rolled in, hey, will you shoot your food from your porch each night or just grab some road kill for dinner? Hey, at least there won't be a wait for the dentist! Me, "Huh?" You know, no one has teeth so they don't need a dentist. Me, "Yeah, yeah".

We weren't let down. After finally getting in touch with our realtor, her first question was, "Do you want neighbors?" After closing I left a message for the painter we hired. He called back, "sorry, I was bailing hay". After our first visit we realized this. is. the. south., accents and all! We thought, oh good God, we are Yankee's through and through, what did we get ourselves into?

We moved and within five days I had an allergic reaction to something we still aren't sure of. I had hives for a month despite two urgent care visits, a steroid shot, two full rounds of steroid packs and a doctor visit which sent me with a stronger steroid and 2 additional allergy meds (I already take singular daily). That did the trick but all I thought the whole time was, I'm freaking allergic to this state! Or at least my house, oh my gosh, we have to buy a new house!!!! Good grief. Effin West Virginia.


Within this first week Rylie fell in our neighbor's coy pond and also found her very own dirt pit out back. Formerly a fire pit I assume. I thought, well, she's fitting right in! But after two baths per day for four days straight I thought, how the heck am I going to keep her clean?!




Like most things in life, it all just eventually works out. We still have a ton to do around the house and aren't fully "settled" but as it turns out, West Virginia isn't so bad. We have awesome neighbors and since it is the south, everyone is exceptionally nice. One neighbor not only helped Craig repair the front slate steps (Craig isn't exactly what one would call a handyman) but he mowed our yard while Craig was travelling the week after we moved in! Rylie has a best friend right across the street, who's mom took care of the kids, including putting Rylie to bed, while I went to the urgent care that first week here.

We can walk to a little park and the city is so small anything you want (that's available here) is close by with the added bonus that there's never really any traffic. We just planted an awesome garden that is three times the size of our old one yet doesn't take up even a fraction of our yard. And though I had serious anxiety over not having my starbucks, I finally found a good coffee shop... where they also sell the world's best cupcakes, no lie. Today, I finally took the plunge and got a mom's number I met at the park. Turns out they just moved here a couple months ago. Looks like I'm all set... parks, coffee, cupcakes and play dates!

It also turns out that we have yet to eat road kill or shoot our own dinner. Oh, and everyone I've met has teeth, go figure! Even better, people either like or at least don't hate Penn State, and since Penn Stater's don't have much love for Pitt, we fit in just fine with these Mountaineers!

Who would have thought that two PA kids would actually enjoy it here in Wild and Wonderful West Virginia?! Not me!

Don't get me wrong, it's still effin West Virginia ;) But at least for now, it's home!

A gift from my Aunt after hearing about our visitor,
a perfect little stepping stone for our garden!