Return

Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still have this blog. Yes, I feel like the worst blogger ever for disappearing like I have. So, for the first time in forever I'm not making an excuse as to why I don't have the time to sit here and write. Though in my back of my head I'm telling myself to simply sit in this lovely jacuzzi tub with the last of my relaxing lavender salts, and wine, and just be still. Just once. Since I know myself well, I know that's not possible for my 100 mile per hour mind and I would quickly grab a book to fill the void. So, I figured I'd take the leap and return back to you all! 

And YES, I've watched Disney Frozen so much over the past couple of months that not only do I go to sleep singing the soundtrack in my head, and during the numerous times I typically wake up or am woken up by a little person throughout the night, but apparently the lyrics are now becoming a part of my daily lingo. Wonderful.

Aside from the incessant Frozen watching, reenactments and soundtrack singing, I do have a fairly good reason for my long absence. A couple of reasons actually. We have officially returned back to our home state! In fact, we are officially settled in our new home. Most rooms are done, most furniture is bought and boxes are a thing of the past. Best of all, we've met nearly all our neighbors and we are ecstatic that we found a neighborhood even better than we could have dreamed of for our forever home!

If the move alone isn't grounds for a bit of a blogging reprieve then perhaps my daughter starting her growth hormone replacement therapy is. If you've been around my blog for while then you may remember the plethora of tests we've gone through over the past couple years that left me in a bit of a state of anxiety laced with freak out, worry over things that can not be changed, mom mode. Well, I finally agreed to the 4 hour long growth hormone stimulation test, with the intent to tell everyone who was pushing for growth hormones to piss off once it was done. Didn't I get a surprise when the results came back that my little girl is in fact growth hormone deficient. We waited for our move and had an appointment with our new endocrinologist the first week we were in town. Less than two months later I was able to get her approved for medical assistance (thank God!), she was approved for GH (growth hormone) and we started home injections 10 days ago. Yikes! Even writing it all makes my head spin a bit. Oh, and my son decided to join the medical parade party and has been to the pediatrician 3 times, the allergist once and his new ENT once. Oh right, and an urgent care once. Despite getting tubes in December, we can't seem to shake an ear infection. Yes, all this in two months. 

So, please forgive me for leaving this little place in the dust and let's try to get back to all my self talk insanity, which I've been told helps some of you feel a bit less lonely in your own insanity! Hopefully no one has gone off the deep end these pasts months, aside from myself that is. And off the deep end I have plunged! A few times.

With that... On with the show!

I actually meant to write on Mother's Day. It was to be a vow to my kids that I felt I needed to get out of my head to make it more legit; making me stick to my words. Instead, I had an opportunity to teach my first yoga class since moving so I jumped at the chance. Then I helped my husband move 5 cubic yards of dirt into the raised garden we built. Good times.

Following that desire to get myself back here, I had one of my many epiphanies last week after a random online chat with my aunt. This major epiphany was that I can no longer be a grump butt (as we lovingly call the kids on those days we want to strangle them). I thought, hmmmm, maybe I should let all this self talk fly through my fingers in order to ensure it sticks, verses getting lost in this crazy head of mine.

Unfortunately, I didn't hit the computer and that little message to my inner self to stop being a grump butt only lasted through our home warming party last weekend. Basically, a couple days. I've since been back to letting others actions dictate my mood. I continue to have this ridiculous notion that if someone does something I don't like, or worse yet, that they promised me they wouldn't and then do it anyway, that me being pissed off at them (and the rest of the world for that matter) will make them... I don't know what I think it will make the person do. Stop their behaviors? Do what they say they will? I really don't know.

I know this. Yelling does not make anyone do anything different. And it makes me feel 100 times worse. Threats may work in the moment but, in the case of my kids, am I seriously going to throw away ALL their toys? As a former behavior specialist, I am more than well aware that idle threats will never work. Mainly because the person knows you won't follow through as much as you know it! I tend to remember counting to ten, leaving the room and deep breaths after I'm beyond the point of reason. The result... I stay mad. I actually hold a grudge over my kids not listening at this point, I'm that frustrated. So, that anger lingers through the day, and the night, and then I'm woken up 2 or 3 times throughout the night so I wake up tired and cranky and still angry and we start all over again. Because being in a perpetual state of anger is clearly a sure fire way to make others do what you ask and expect of them. I'll show them, ummm, or not. 

The same goes for my husband. Which is where this all began, as many of you know. My emotional state tends to be 100% centered around his drinking. The good days are clear to all who know me and the bad ones are just as obvious. Considering I have that erroneous notion that holding on to my anger will create some sort of change, the bad days tend to linger even when we could enjoy a lull in the madness. Though I still feel I've made positive strides, there's days, and weeks, I feel I take 10 steps back. And that is likely why when I took a silly survey last night and it asked about my best friend, I had no clue how to answer the question. I sat for a long time trying to decide who my best friend even was anymore. I'd guess Craig would have to do the same thing. Which is really. really. sad. 


The worst part of psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions is that I KNOW what I need to release my insanity. I know what I need to do. The part that makes me feel as though I'm teetering on true insanity status is that I continue to not to follow through on what I know must happen and what I need. It's that ugly feeling of being out of balance with oneself. This is why each day I hear the words of one of my favorite fellow boys from the Tribe, Albert Einstein, rattling around in my head.... Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yup, that's me.

So, with that daily realization, I have returned to this little blog. I can't promise to dedicate as much time as I did in the past, but I intend to try. My hope in doing so is to return to my more sane state of being, which I managed to find here before. Being open and honest about our struggles seems to be the missing piece right now. That and more yoga. And as always, I hope this quest for my own sanity helps others realize they aren't alone in their daily struggles that life happily, and indiscriminately, hands out to each one of us.


I'll return soon friends. Until then, be well.

If you have a loved one you lost in the line of duty, I hope this weekend has you reminiscing of fond memories and I thank you and your lost loved one for their service. As well as all who fight for our country.

Namaste!

Time Turner

" I mark the hours every one nor have I yet outrun the sun..." 

  - Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban

Today was one of those days I wish I had a time turner. If they existed, of course. We lost an hour with daylight savings about 10 days ago, and since then I feel like I'm losing an hour everyday. Feeling like I'm losing an hour of my day, every day, for 10 days, is starting to wear on my ability to keep it together. There's this compounding feeling. Or more like trying to start a fire and it's so close, it starts to smolder, then POOF, big flames. The pressure just builds and builds until I just explode or implode or implode then explode, yeah, that's more like me. Last week was my imploding, feeling down, not wanting to do anything because there was just too much to catch up on. Two days ago was a mini meltdown of sorts, or I guess I could call it a mini explosion since I used the words "freaking" a lot in a very short amount of time. Since I have yet to figure out a way to fit in my me time to release the pressure, I'm feeling overwhelmed, desperately overwhelmed. 

Desperately overwhelmed usually means drama Jaci and saying things to Craig like, "I can't take it, I'm going to do drive off the bridge!" or, " we'll be lucky if we all survive today". Pretty sure that was a text this afternoon actually. Don't worry people, these really are just a figure of speech since I don't actually consider driving off a bridge or someone not surviving the day. Well, sometimes I contemplate ways to off the dog but he was good today and safe from my homicidal drama thinking. Such mini verbal explosions are simply the most dramatic way I can express to Craig just how overwhelmed I am because saying, "Craig, I'm feeling very overwhelmed" can't begin to describe my state of being overwhelmed, which is of course by far the most overwhelmed anyone could possibly ever be. So, I exaggerate to get my point across more effectively. Not sure it works since he just looks at me probably thinking, she's freaking crazy. Maybe I am.

So today, all day, I kept thinking, as I often do when I feel I need more time, man, I wish I had that time turner Hermione used her 3rd year at Hogwarts. Yes, I love HP... and Twilight and the Hunger Games for that matter. And yes, many times I have wished I were a witch or a vampire or just as awesome as Catniss. But I've digressed. 

I needed the time turner because the things I need to do keep piling up, literally piling up on my kitchen counter as a way to be an in my face reminder, DO THIS NOW. When things pile up it doesn't seem to matter how great it was that I got the kids outside to play this morning and to the park this afternoon, on this beautiful day. This has been the case most of these days that I feel overwhelmed. I'm having fun with the kids on these beautiful days. So then I feel guilty, I should be happy the kids are having fun and enjoying this early spring weather, not getting all worked up that I'm not getting anything else done and that I'm rushing around trying to get dinner made and baths done, the sand swept off the floor 5 times a day.... But, that's not me. I don't like piles of things to do and I start to sink, or lose it, when "take time for self" continues to be a part of my to do list week after week.

Result...mini explosions, drama Jaci, then feeling bad for not keeping it all together. It's a vicious cycle. Of course, Rylie decided she no longer needs naps during this most recent episode of, need more time, overwhelmed, implode, explode. Now I have to adapt my perfect little daily routine and I'm clearly not adjusting well.

I feel especially awful for my explosion two days ago after I made an effort to resume my wii fit workout after a 2 year hiatus. After six months of being in our new home I finally set up the balance board, which entailed taking it out of the box and putting the box away. All proud of myself for taking the first step towards my doctor ordered exercise and I couldn't get the tv on.I tried various things, gave up and went upstairs.

Me: Craig, I've tried everything, I can't get the stupid tv on

Craig: Did you turn on the power strip?

Me: Yeeeessss (in an annoyed, I'm not stupid sort of tone)

He goes downstairs and comes back up in a minute

Craig: It's on. You have to lock the button in on the power strip.

Me: Oh (in an embarrassed, guess I am a little stupid sort of tone)

I go back down..... and after another few minutes I come back up.

Me: Craig, I can't get the wii to come on the tv.

Craig goes down and comes back up in a minute.

Craig: OK, I had to use the tv remote, not cable remote.

I go back down....and after another few minute of waving the wii remote around and getting nothing I come back up. I got new batteries. Proud that I was attempting to figure this one out on my own.

It worked! I got to the main page and the "new" batteries I found died. I came back up very annoyed.

There were no more batteries.

mini EXPLOSION

Which involved me complaining to Craig that he gets to run and go to a meeting once each week and I don't get to do anything for me now that he's working on him. Ouch. Not cool, or at least not very supportive.

It was how I was feeling, so not supportive but honest. I feel like I've giving up my own recovery because I'm so desperate for him to not drink. But how can I wish him to do all these things and complain that he's not for years and then complain when he finally acts? I said sorry which usually means a person then lets it go but I still feel bad. Maybe because I partly still feel this way. I keep giving up more and more of what I need to accommodate him. Now, instead of not being able to go to yoga or get a break from the kids because I he's drinking and I can't leave the kids alone with him, I can't go to yoga or get a break from the kids because he's doing what he needs to in order not to drink. Talk about a catch 22! 

I also have the same issue I did when he was drinking. When he's around (now physically present before mentally) I want to enjoy family time so I give up me time for family time. I've never been able to juggle this desire for both and feeling there is not enough time for both. Just like I can't juggle outside fun time with the kids and all the things I'm used to getting done when we are stuck inside, like checking my email, which last I looked I had 65 to sort through. As an aside, Craig only runs 20 minutes. So, I'm still trying to figure out why this even interferes and I'm pretty sure it's just an excuse I'm using which makes me feel even more awful about complaining! I'm a fabulous multitasker, but in these instances all I can think is, I NEED MORE TIME. Thus, I dream of the nonexistent time turner because I can't seem to figure out another way to get my me time and family time and everything else that needs to be done time in, without giving up sleep. Which I've been doing. Like I am now.

I'm giving up sleep, which we all know is another thing I desperately need. Though, a little less sleep means I get a bit of writing in, which helps lessen the irrational explosions and dramatic exclamations of, "I'm going to drive off a bridge", which all carries over into me being a mean mommy and as I've stated before, I loathe mean mommy. She was not around for a good while. I want her gone again. So, I chose write, instead of putting the new batteries I bought yesterday in the wii remote and start working out, which I also really wanted to do. 

See why I long for a time turner? Maybe I should buy one of those collectible ones. Perhaps symbolism is all I need to have more time. Oh, wouldn't it be nice if that were the case.... guess it's worth a shot. I'll add that to my to do list. 

Insomnia

After over 36 hours of not writing, the euphoria of releasing some major emotions has worn off and today has been pressing on me. That's what it feels like, like this weight on my shoulders I can't shake which makes me more irritable and less able to deal with the mundane. Well, the pressing and antsy feeling started last night but I couldn't do much to alleviate it since I couldn't keep my eyes open, literally, they were closing while I looked for a new laptop, because writing on an i Pad SUCKS! Anyway, I forced myself to go to bed at 9:30 and the insomnia and tossing prevailed, again., as usual. I know insomnia is something many people suffer from but I also know many people who go to sleep and wake up the next morning. Every time I think of such a thing, sleeping a whole night, it makes me shake my head in disbelief. For me it's the equivalent of attempting to read Chinese, it's simply a concept I can not wrap my head around, and for most of my life it's also something I have longed for and been envious of others who have the miraculous ability to sleep.

Yup, I said most of my life, so all the advice givers out there, it's not from the abundant stress that engulfs my life or the fact that my daughter seems to be plagued with this same inability to sleep, though neither of those things help the chronic insomniac either! I've been to a sleep doctor, talked to countless regular doctors I've had over the years and I've tried every medication from over the counter to prescription narcotics. I've tried painting my room a relaxing color, getting things for my room to make it a calming place, not watching tv before bed, listening to music, yoga,  reading, deep breaths, reciting a variety of mantras in my head such as, relax, sleep, relax, sleep. The list is endless, I've read every article that crosses my path, asked others what they do, you name it. NOTHING works. I used to get annoyed when I would complain about my insomnia while pregnant, when it was at it's worst, because people would say, oh it's your body getting ready for the baby, oh just wait until the baby is here or, I totally understand, I couldn't sleep when I was pregnant either. No matter how I responded that this wasn't something new or how badly I wanted to yell, really, you couldn't sleep just those few measly months when you were pregnant, I'd take 9 months over 29 years ANY DAY and even secretly thought, there is NO WAY a baby can make this worse, I realized that these wonderful people, full of good intentions, were simply  trying to provide support. I was grateful for that, so I would smile and accept it because just as I can't wrap my brain around the idea of what it would be like to sleep through the night, those sweet people couldn't wrap their heads around the concept of not sleeping, ever.

I can remember my multiple night wakings as early as age 8. Perhaps because I was traumatized, on more than on occasion, by the neighbors who I could see in their kitchen from my bedroom window, walking around naked, naked and eating. It was difficult to get that image out of my head to fall back asleep, sometimes it keeps me awake now! Probably will tonight since I just thought if it, damn. Note: if you walk around naked in your house, close the curtains! Anyway, the next memory of waking up numerous times per night was when we lived with my Pap a few years later. I remember recurring nightmares about deer, yes, as in Bambi. I saw my first dead deer on the side of the highway around then, or at least it was the first one I remember seeing. Maybe I couldn't see out the car window until I was 11! (Yes, I'm perfectly comfortable taking a crack at myself for being vertically challenged)  Either way, I used to have a nightmare that Bambi and his friends were pissed at us humans for hitting them with our cars/taking over their homes with our roads so they would come stampeding into the house. That was scary enough to wake me so there's no more to the nightmare for all you Freudians and Adlerians out there trying to analyze it right now.  There are other nightmares that used to wake me at various times in my life and years which I just don't have many memories of. Though, I know I used to wake up and climb in my mom's bed many nights during those years, so the same pattern of not sleeping is evident even if I can't recall all the nights. Now in college, I slept great! But as I said in another post, my college life is for another post, another time.

Skip over some more years of sleepless nights, which is when many of the doctors and medications came into play, including at one point a hefty cocktail of antidepressants, anti anxiety and sleeping pills as I fought through letting my emotions spiral out of control following my first miscarriage. That lovely drug cocktail resulted in hallucinations, then a change in the sleeping pill and then a max of 4 hours of sleep at a time, which is damn good for me! I was able to pull myself together long enough for all those medications to eventually become a thing of the past and THEN.... my first child arrived. And now, I laugh at that previous secret thought that there is NO WAY a baby can make a chronic insomniacs sleep worse. It never crossed my mind that my perfect little baby would choose to eat, cry, want comforted, lose her binky, scream, talk, bark like a dog, sing or otherwise decide sleep wasn't necessary all during those precious hours of sleep I would get in between my multiple wakings and/or inability to fall asleep. I guess I thought she would get on board with my sleep issues and just be up when I was up or better yet, I had this crazy idea that she would just, well, sleep. Isn't that what babies and kids do at night? I thought that's where that saying, he sleeps like a baby, came from. That silly phrase gave me this false notion that all babies sleep, soundly, eventually anyway. I also have a close friend whose daughters both slept 12 hours a night from 6 weeks on. No one really ever told me any different so what did I know. I didn't hear of sleep training or Dr. Ferber and CIO until I realized most of out darlings don't just figure out that sleep thing on their own. By then, I was so sleep deprived I thought I would feel insane forever.

Again, I hear all the well intentioned mommy's and doctor's.... do you have a routine, stick to it, let her cry, don't pick her up, pick her up but put her back down as soon as she's calm but before she falls asleep, play music, get a nightlight, give her a lovey, take all distractions out of her bed...... Blah, blah, blah. Everything contradicted because everyone has a way that works.The best thing I've heard was from our last pediatrician at Rylie's 2 year check up. Rather than going through the whole spiel about her sleep issues, I simply said, and she still doesn't sleep. She sings and barks like a dog and talks for about 3 hours 3 or 4 nights per week and naps well, but she doesn't sleep, even if she doesn't nap. She finally knew us well enough to stop spewing all the same b.s. she tells every other parent that complains about their child's sleep. Instead, she smiled and said, "she'll make a great surgeon someday. This is just the way she is, she doesn't need a lot of sleep'. Freaking great! The chronic insomniac is blessed with a vampire child. What luck! (vampire as in the Twilight vampires, I think others might sleep, in case that wasn't clear) But, after spending a year and a 1/2 following every sleep idea out there by the book, dotting every i and crossing every t, this way of looking at it enabled me to let it go, well eventually. I was as anal as a parent could be with sleep training and when one thing didn't work after a realistic shot, I was anal about the next. It was frustrating and exhausting! I relayed my daughters sleep issues to our new doctor recently and I smugly smiled inside by the way she looked at me as I nodded at her advice and sporadically responded, we've done that, yup, okay, sure... Yeah lady, we'll try a routine, umhmmm, like we haven't done all that! The smug smile came from knowing what she wanted to say to me was, yeah right, you're not being consistent, just like all the other parents who say it doesn't work. But what I didn't tell her was that I  was a behavior specialist when I had my first child, that I lived and breathed consistency, taught it, earned a living by implementing consistent routines for the families I worked with and for children with much more challenging behaviors than this. I didn't tell her this, I just smiled when she gave me this advice and after I mentioned Rylie did well in our bed but we transitioned her back to hers and it's bad again, one of the last things she said was, keep her in her bed. A week later, after about 2-3 broken up hours of sleep per night for weeks, our daughter is now nice and cozy in the middle of our big king bed. After 2 and 1/2 years of "doing it by the book" I said to hell with it, and about 1/2 the time she does that thing I can't comprehend, she sleeps through the night. The other half she bugs us and keeps us up as usual, but I'll take 1/2 the time over week after week after week of my few precious hours of sleep being stripped away along with the little sanity I have left.

Caffeine can only get you by for so long. And all you fix it people out there who just had an 'ah ha' moment, I've tried the no caffeine thing too, still, no sleep. Actually, I've only been hooked on caffeine for about 5 years so that's not the problem. I even tried a no yeast diet once, and while I felt good, healthy, it didn't do a thing to help my sleep. Truly, I've tried about everything except electroshock therapy. So, I will continue to be a glutton for caffeine and sugar because I NEED it to cope, and to survive! Seriously though, bottom line, every child is different and every parent NEEDS sleep; multiple hours at one time sort of  sleep. In my case, even if it's just my normal 1-2 hours before waking up, it's still critical to survival; my survival, my kids survival, and especially the dog's survival (who is another post for another day as well). So, mommy's and daddy's, do what works for you and your family as far as sleep goes, because EVERYONE will have an opinion and there will always be those who don't agree with what you choose, but parenting is hard enough so caring about those who disagree is a waste of the precious energy I need to keep up with my two little monsters. And anyone who says parenting isn't hard as heck must have kids that sleep 10-12 hours a night "like a baby" or, they are flat out lying because there's a million other things that make it tough, but without sleep it's just plain old miserable. I'll tell ya, it's not so bad when you get some sleep though, and I know my little girl isn't going to want to cuddle with us forever.

PS- I'm in no way saying I don't appreciate all the support and advice from all my mommy's out there! I tried pretty much everything you all have suggested over the years and I thank you!!!