Highstakes Blackjack

In ten days we go for our first follow up since starting our daughter on growth hormones. As some of you may know, I fought like crazy to avoid injecting what I viewed as a man made foreign substance into my daughter's body every day for what could be as long as a decade. In many ways, I still view her injections as such that it makes my heart flutter and body cringe with the thoughts of what's exactly being injected into her.

As with anything in the world of parenthood, I heard the varying opinions of everyone. Do it, give her a chance! Are you sure she needs it? Don't do it, don't put that stuff in her body! The last one screaming the loudest from my own thoughts as I, perhaps a little obsessively, thought of all the ways I have tried to keep her body as clean as possible from chemicals and the plethora of other contaminates we have littered our air, water, land with. All I could think was, what was the point if I was destined to inject her with at least some of that nastiness, every, single. day. I've found a bit of acceptance by understanding this is a hormone, like insulin for diabetics, and it's replacing what she's lacking, not adding something

I knew parenting would be hard. I didn't quite comprehend just how excruciatingly difficult some decisions would be, especially when everyone has a strong opinion and research always seems to contradict itself with each new study. While breast feeding may be a hot topic in the parenting world, for some bizarre reason I can't quite fathom, and the battling opinions over immunizations practically cause people to resort to all out brawls, my most challenging decision to date is without a doubt whether to go forward with giving my daughter growth hormones derived in some lab. Before all the opinions and judgments reign down... two years of testing indicated that her body wasn't producing enough of this essential hormone on it's own. Could I have more tests done? Sure. Could I repeat the growth hormone stimulation test using different medicines to test the levels again? Sure. But at some point, as a mother, I needed to make a decision and I felt that two years of every doctor telling us the same thing was enough for my little girl to endure.

While my gut still holds on to the feeling I should not do this, my heart tells me it's ultimately the best decision I could make with the hand I was dealt. Sometimes that's what parenting feels like, actually. Like you're playing multiple games of blackjack with every penny to your name on the table and you need to decide whether to hit or stay with each hand and then wait to see what the dealer turns. While the idea of such high stakes gambling gives me anxiety just thinking about it, making such a decision that impacts the life of the only thing you deem precious beyond, well, life itself, is quite frankly beyond any level of anxiety I've ever battled. In the end, I guess that's what most parenting decisions are though. Even the seemingly small ones can have a profound impact on our little ones lives.

In some ways, I've come to terms with my decision. I repeatedly tell myself it was the best option I had with the cards I was dealt, keeping with my blackjack analogy. I try to accept the choices I make each day and pray that something greater than myself has a plan. And that I'm making the right choices that are in line with that plan and they will lead us all down the path of health, peace and happiness. Perhaps my faith is wavering because I've always struggled with fully accepting my decisions. I often second guess and then return to third and fourth guess and so on. I wish I could just let go and let it be. To have faith. To accept.

Perhaps it's simply in my Jewish nature to constantly question and maybe I have more faith than I think. Questioning what is and constantly reevaluating for the best possible outcome for all is basically how the book was written for us Jews. Despite this, that doesn't give me the peace I seek. The peace that I'm helping my daughter and not hurting her. The peace that this was in fact the right decision and will benefit her in the long run. That these injections will benefit her health and not cause potential issues down the road. That they will make her chances for reaching puberty, and thus the ability to have her own children to fret over, a more guaranteed outcome.

Most people think I decided to give her the shots because she's so tiny. And most don't understand the need because I'm tiny. Everyone on both sides of our family are small so it wouldn't be a big deal if she was too. Even with the injections she will still be small. Her genetic potential is 5'1" and giving her growth hormone only gives her the possibility to reach her genetic potential. Regardless, it wasn't about her gaining height but ensuring she had enough of this necessary hormone for the rest of her body to develop appropriately that convinced me to agree to the treatments.

I found a support group online but most of the people there are predominately focused on the height. I can understand that when your son has the potential to reach 6' and is negative on the charts. A good number of the people in the group have fought for a long time for their child to receive growth hormone therapy while I was battling against it for nearly two years. Basically, this leaves me feeling like the odd mom out and alone with all these mixed feelings. Everyone in the support group who understands this plight can't understand why I wouldn't want my child to receive the treatment and everyone whose child grows normally simply doesn't understand. Though all of my friend's compassion and support goes a long way.

In the end, support group or not, I'm on my own with these feelings and questioning my decision no matter what. My husband wanted it from the start but agreed to do whatever I thought was best. Or at least allowed me to be as comfortable as I could be with it all before starting treatment. We're starting our third month of treatment and as I said, we go for a follow up in just over a week. While I'm anxious to know if she's grown, as that's really the only perimeter to gauge if it's working, I'm still left with the constant feeling of uncertainty. Uncertain if this is the right course of action. Uncertain if I should do more. Get more tests, more opinions. Something! Considering she's five, I have a long wait until there's any type of certainty that this was the right decision. That it helped.

So, each day I turn back to the hand I was dealt and I look at my cards. I go through all the possibilities and hold my breath as I hope and pray that taking the hit was the right move to make. Too bad the stakes aren't simply every penny to my name. They are so much higher. I think back to celebrating my 23 birthday in Vegas and almost laugh because never could I have dreamed then that being a parent would be like this.

As nerve-wracking as it is to wait nearly a decade to see if this was the right path to take for my daughter, I can't help but to also be thankful that this is the hardest decision I've had to make to date. She's healthy and we are blessed for that; compared to so many other parents that suffer the unimaginable. Her adventure seeking personality may not be thrilled that she's still too small for all the big rollercoasters she's determined to ride, but she's a happy little girl. Ultimately, that's what is important. I just need to remind myself that we live in the now and what will be will be.

Who said acceptance and living in the present was easy? Oh right, the same person who said being a parent is a cake walk. At the moment I guess I need to settle for a draw and wait for the next hand to be dealt. And keep marking that growth chart.

My 5 and 3&1/2 year old.
We are asked daily if they are twins.

Return

Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still have this blog. Yes, I feel like the worst blogger ever for disappearing like I have. So, for the first time in forever I'm not making an excuse as to why I don't have the time to sit here and write. Though in my back of my head I'm telling myself to simply sit in this lovely jacuzzi tub with the last of my relaxing lavender salts, and wine, and just be still. Just once. Since I know myself well, I know that's not possible for my 100 mile per hour mind and I would quickly grab a book to fill the void. So, I figured I'd take the leap and return back to you all! 

And YES, I've watched Disney Frozen so much over the past couple of months that not only do I go to sleep singing the soundtrack in my head, and during the numerous times I typically wake up or am woken up by a little person throughout the night, but apparently the lyrics are now becoming a part of my daily lingo. Wonderful.

Aside from the incessant Frozen watching, reenactments and soundtrack singing, I do have a fairly good reason for my long absence. A couple of reasons actually. We have officially returned back to our home state! In fact, we are officially settled in our new home. Most rooms are done, most furniture is bought and boxes are a thing of the past. Best of all, we've met nearly all our neighbors and we are ecstatic that we found a neighborhood even better than we could have dreamed of for our forever home!

If the move alone isn't grounds for a bit of a blogging reprieve then perhaps my daughter starting her growth hormone replacement therapy is. If you've been around my blog for while then you may remember the plethora of tests we've gone through over the past couple years that left me in a bit of a state of anxiety laced with freak out, worry over things that can not be changed, mom mode. Well, I finally agreed to the 4 hour long growth hormone stimulation test, with the intent to tell everyone who was pushing for growth hormones to piss off once it was done. Didn't I get a surprise when the results came back that my little girl is in fact growth hormone deficient. We waited for our move and had an appointment with our new endocrinologist the first week we were in town. Less than two months later I was able to get her approved for medical assistance (thank God!), she was approved for GH (growth hormone) and we started home injections 10 days ago. Yikes! Even writing it all makes my head spin a bit. Oh, and my son decided to join the medical parade party and has been to the pediatrician 3 times, the allergist once and his new ENT once. Oh right, and an urgent care once. Despite getting tubes in December, we can't seem to shake an ear infection. Yes, all this in two months. 

So, please forgive me for leaving this little place in the dust and let's try to get back to all my self talk insanity, which I've been told helps some of you feel a bit less lonely in your own insanity! Hopefully no one has gone off the deep end these pasts months, aside from myself that is. And off the deep end I have plunged! A few times.

With that... On with the show!

I actually meant to write on Mother's Day. It was to be a vow to my kids that I felt I needed to get out of my head to make it more legit; making me stick to my words. Instead, I had an opportunity to teach my first yoga class since moving so I jumped at the chance. Then I helped my husband move 5 cubic yards of dirt into the raised garden we built. Good times.

Following that desire to get myself back here, I had one of my many epiphanies last week after a random online chat with my aunt. This major epiphany was that I can no longer be a grump butt (as we lovingly call the kids on those days we want to strangle them). I thought, hmmmm, maybe I should let all this self talk fly through my fingers in order to ensure it sticks, verses getting lost in this crazy head of mine.

Unfortunately, I didn't hit the computer and that little message to my inner self to stop being a grump butt only lasted through our home warming party last weekend. Basically, a couple days. I've since been back to letting others actions dictate my mood. I continue to have this ridiculous notion that if someone does something I don't like, or worse yet, that they promised me they wouldn't and then do it anyway, that me being pissed off at them (and the rest of the world for that matter) will make them... I don't know what I think it will make the person do. Stop their behaviors? Do what they say they will? I really don't know.

I know this. Yelling does not make anyone do anything different. And it makes me feel 100 times worse. Threats may work in the moment but, in the case of my kids, am I seriously going to throw away ALL their toys? As a former behavior specialist, I am more than well aware that idle threats will never work. Mainly because the person knows you won't follow through as much as you know it! I tend to remember counting to ten, leaving the room and deep breaths after I'm beyond the point of reason. The result... I stay mad. I actually hold a grudge over my kids not listening at this point, I'm that frustrated. So, that anger lingers through the day, and the night, and then I'm woken up 2 or 3 times throughout the night so I wake up tired and cranky and still angry and we start all over again. Because being in a perpetual state of anger is clearly a sure fire way to make others do what you ask and expect of them. I'll show them, ummm, or not. 

The same goes for my husband. Which is where this all began, as many of you know. My emotional state tends to be 100% centered around his drinking. The good days are clear to all who know me and the bad ones are just as obvious. Considering I have that erroneous notion that holding on to my anger will create some sort of change, the bad days tend to linger even when we could enjoy a lull in the madness. Though I still feel I've made positive strides, there's days, and weeks, I feel I take 10 steps back. And that is likely why when I took a silly survey last night and it asked about my best friend, I had no clue how to answer the question. I sat for a long time trying to decide who my best friend even was anymore. I'd guess Craig would have to do the same thing. Which is really. really. sad. 


The worst part of psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions is that I KNOW what I need to release my insanity. I know what I need to do. The part that makes me feel as though I'm teetering on true insanity status is that I continue to not to follow through on what I know must happen and what I need. It's that ugly feeling of being out of balance with oneself. This is why each day I hear the words of one of my favorite fellow boys from the Tribe, Albert Einstein, rattling around in my head.... Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yup, that's me.

So, with that daily realization, I have returned to this little blog. I can't promise to dedicate as much time as I did in the past, but I intend to try. My hope in doing so is to return to my more sane state of being, which I managed to find here before. Being open and honest about our struggles seems to be the missing piece right now. That and more yoga. And as always, I hope this quest for my own sanity helps others realize they aren't alone in their daily struggles that life happily, and indiscriminately, hands out to each one of us.


I'll return soon friends. Until then, be well.

If you have a loved one you lost in the line of duty, I hope this weekend has you reminiscing of fond memories and I thank you and your lost loved one for their service. As well as all who fight for our country.

Namaste!

Betty Crocker Madness

This is by far the longest I have gone without writing since I started this blog a little over a year ago. Which reminds me, I missed my bloggeversary! Oops. Oh well. These last three weeks have been a bit out of control.

If you follow me on Facebook then you have a good idea of all the hoopla that's been running me around these past 3 weeks like an even more insane mom than I already was! Rota Virus hit the kids while away for the week. Or a stomach bug that resembled it but not as bad as some horror stories I've heard or as bad as my step dad got it after we left. Two pipe breaks at the house. The sound of jet engines is still raging in our basement as the professionals continue their drying process and making their best efforts to not pull drywall out. To be honest, I wouldn't mind it getting redone!

On the plus side of things, our new fur baby has finally arrived! Nellie is as sweet as they come and also quite scared/skidish. She still won't eat much, 10 days later, and hides in our bedroom most of the time. She's afraid of Craig, really she's afraid of anyone but me! I guess the crazy kids running and yelling and mom running and yelling after them and our crazy boxer barking at anything or anyone that comes within 100 feet of our home and all these contractors in and out like a revolving door this past week... she's not quite sure what to make of this mad house! Hopefully she gets more comfortable soon. She's quite precious.

Getting used to her big brother Apollo!

Smelling good after her first grooming!



Bonding with Rylie. She sleeps with Caleb :)

Probably the most impacting part of our lives though has been some new diets! We saw the holistic doctor everyone kept recommending to me. He did muscle testing on the kids and I. Yes, I'm aware that modern medicine thinks this is nonsense and many would call him a "quack". That's another post for another day! Anyway, I've been on an antifungal and no nightshades diet while the kids are enjoying dairy and gluten free foods for two weeks.

My son also had his allergist appointment and it turns out that "quack" was right with at least part of it.... the boy is in fact allergic to dairy... and eggs, tomato, some outside mold spore and possibly cats and ragweed. Everything was mild to moderate (eggs being the moderate) so nothing to really worry about. He can probably get him off his prilosec and get his eczema cleared up if we avoid these things when possible, which was my goal.

So basically I've been like Betty Crocker on speed these past couple weeks and THAT is worth posting about. I would not call myself a cook by any stretch of the word. As a matter of fact I avoid it when possible. But, in my quest for us all to eat and live "cleaner" I'm doing my best. I also have been quite proud of myself with some of the things I've made, via recipe and even my own ideas, so I thought I'd share with you all! Or more pat my own back, but who's to say you won't enjoy some of this delicious foods too?!

I jumped right in with gluten free blueberry pancakes hoping to start these diets off with a bang. Technically I shouldn't have eaten them since the flour had potato starch in it (potatoes are nightshades) but I haven't been perfect on this adventure, that's for sure! This one was simple. I bought some gluten and dairy free pancake mix at the store and made it to recipe. Just added some frozen organic blueberries in there and cooked them using coconut oil. Kids gobbled them right up! Actually, Rylie has been eating much better these past two weeks and Caleb finally drinks milk since we swtiched to vanilla almond milk. Which means he needs to potty train A-sap because this boy is going through diapers like a newborn now that he finally drinks! I'm not complaining though. I'm just happy I finally found things that don't hurt their little bellies.

Tonight was make your own pizza night. Always a fun one for the kiddos! I got gluten and dairy free pizza crust and we made our own dough because all the store bought ones had egg. We substituted flax seed meal for egg so Caleb could enjoy it too. We mixed it all together with the electric mixer, a favorite part for Rylie! It was a bit more sticky than pizza dough should be but we just sprinkled some of our gluten/dairy free all purpose flour on the pizza pan and my hands and it turned out pretty good. Even with the veggie mozzarella cheese. The boy ate two pieces! He must miss his tomatoes. I'm hoping that allowing some of the foods he's allergic to in moderation will keep the reflux and eczema at bay as they've been notably better over the past week. I mean, every kid deserve to eat pizza, even if it isn't the tasty clog your arteries kind :) Anyway, here was the final product! Sadly, again, I can't enjoy because we put yeast in the crust but I did steal a taste.

Since I can't eat vinegar it's made eating salad's challenging. I was thinking of how sick I was of simply using lemon juice and olive oil so while I cut some strawberries for the kids lunch I had a brilliant idea! I pureed what was left of the strawberries, added some lemon juice and used that as my dressing. So good. Then I added some raw honey to what was left, blended it again and poured that onto our new popsicle molds... since we were down to one strawberry pop left. Mmmm Mmmmmm. Too bad I can't eat any sugar on my antifungal diet so I can't have them either, but I snuck a bite in. Have to make sure what the kids eat is good, right? The perks of being the mom :) If your kids are like mine and love treats, these will make you feel good about what you're giving them. (these ones are not mine but from the recipe linked below)

Give them a try!

 

I also made a yummy dairy, gluten and egg free meatloaf just in case the kids decided to give it a try. Caleb had a few bites but of course they didn't eat it. It doesn't specify gluten free in the recipe but oats are okay on this gluten free diet or you can buy the gluten free oats. It was quite tasty, even Craig agreed, so it will be added to our mix of meals from now on.

I've been the muffin momma, moreso than usual I should say. I make 3 batches in 10 days! It's my salvation when I'm craving bread products (obviously no yeast is part of antifungal!) Sadly, the last batch turned out nasty as I only had 3 instead of 4 bananas but since they were pretty big I thought it might work. Not so much. But, these recipes are good, when made right and not overcooked! AND, you can make them gluten free! I used oat flour for each of them and the gluten/dairy free all purpose flour for the ones I was down a banana. Maybe they didn't turn out well because of the different flour?

This morning I made walnut kale pesto. Only 5 ingredients and it passed the husband taste test effortlessly, despite him being quite skeptical. I asked if I should freeze some and he said "nah, it won't lat long." I think I'll try it on pasta for dinner tomorrow, maybe with some crackers or carrots for snack. The possibilities are endless! The best part is this is one you can make extra and freeze so you don't have to be Better Crocker every single day. I'm determined to eat this not so tasty on its own superfood as much as possible and this article gives many yummy looking ways to achieve that goal! Here's my first one...

Last but certainly not least are these insanely delicious treats. They taste like dessert but can be eaten for breakfast or snack or whenever your heart desires! I've made them three times now in less than 2 weeks. The last time (last night) I doubled up the recipe. The kids aren't interested in the way they look so they won't even try them which was fine by me because I ate them all myself with no problem! I used walnuts the first two times before I realized it said substitute almonds or pecans if you can't find hazelnuts (which I couldn't). These are to die for, in my opinion. I didn't drizzle with the coconut milk because as some of you may know, I despise coconut. Which sucks given it is so good for so many things. I'd imagine if you like coconut, adding that little touch would be truly heavenly though.

Here's the easy recipe, try them yourself!

Mine!

 

 

And this is the reason for my long absence! I promise not to leave you all hanging for such an extended time again but I think all this deserves a free pass for this one time, right?! Well, I'm off to find a chocolate zuchini bread recipe we all can enjoy! Back to our "quack" doc that has helped ease my chronic pain when no one else could, relieve Caleb's eczema and we are just about fully off of prilosec in this house...all in two weeks. If we don't test sensitive to any of these things anymore we should be able to just focus on the dairy and egg free for Caleb but I think I may stick with the gluten free as much as we can afford to since something about all this clearly is helping.

 

Let me know if you try any of these recipes. I'd be interested to hear if everyone else likes them too! If you have any to share please post in the comments for all to enjoy. And feel free to share this with your friends. 

 

Namaste. 

 

 

 

 

Our Daily Comedy Show

We are in that stage where our home has turned into a stand up comedy club. It's a new act daily, courtesy of our 3&1/2 year old daughter. I thought I'd share some of her latest routines with you all from this past week or so. So, without further adieu... in no particular order.... but we'll start with an all time favorite....


"Look at this big, nasty boogie!"



After breakfast Rylie came running over to get wiped off and stopped dead in her tracks as she excitedly pointed at the Keurig
"It's peeing, Mommy, it's peeing!"
When I finished laughing, because she obviously kept saying it once she saw it was entertaining me, I told her it wasn't peeing, it was brewing coffee.
Rylie: Look! It's brewing coffee!!
Mommy: I know honey, I hit the brew button.
Rylie: Oh, good idea, Mommy!
Yes, yes, it is. Coffee is always a good idea.



"Caleb, look at my butt, I hurt it, here look".
I called in to them as I got up to go check out the situation...
 "It's okay, Ry, he doesn't need to look at your butt".
I entered the room...
"Keep your panties on, you don't just pull your panties down and show people your butt".
Oh, the things you never think you'll say... and then you become a mom!

Rylie: But I hurt it on the trampoline, Mommy. He needs to look at my boo boo.
Fair enough. I asked if it was okay and she said yes so I gave her little tush a rub and they continued with their jumping on the trampoline.
Next thing I know they are in the play room and I hear...
"Caleb, check out my butt."
I go in and there she is on her back, legs in the air, panties down and the boy is looking at her girl parts with an expression on his face that says, what the heck?!
Mommy: Rylie! Pull your panties up, you don't show people down there.
Hey, maybe he'll deliver babies someday, but Oh. My. Gosh. Seriously?



Caleb throws all the puzzles.
Rylie: Oh, geez Louise, silly, crazy boy. That's not very good.
Daddy: Who taught her that? She sounds like a 70 year old grandma.

Mommy yells upstairs, "Ry, what are you doing up there?"
Rylie: Cleaning my floor.
I go up. "Why are you cleaning your floor? What happened?"
She has a new toothbrush out and the hand towel from their bathroom, she's scrubbing the carpet with the toothbrush...
Rylie: Why is (aka: "because") I need to clean it.
I feel the carpet...
"Why's your carpet wet?"
Rylie: Why is ("because"), I'm cleaning it.
Me thinking... umm ok. So, do I keep the toothbrush? I mean, it's brand new!
Mommy: ok, well, let's go downstairs for snack.

I put the toothbrush and towel away.
When I got downstairs she's has the fridge door open and has stopped getting her milk to take her panties off...
Mommy: What are you doing?!
Rylie: My panties are wet.
Mommy: Did you pee them?
Rylie: Yeah.
Mommy: Well hurry up and get in the bathroom to finish.
Rylie runs to the bathroom and as I follow a light bulb goes off.
Mommy: Um, Ry, is that why your carpet was wet? Did you pee on it?
Rylie: Um, Yeah. That's not very good. But it doesn't matter.
Me thinking... WHAT?!  It doesn't matter? Now I really need to figure out of I'm going to save that toothbrush! crap.



"Oopsie, spaghettio"
I love the combo action she uses on this one!




Caleb is under my legs crying as I do the dishes.
Mommy: Rylie, what did you do to him?
Rylie: I pushed him.
Mommy: Is it okay to push our brother?
Rylie: No
Mommy: Then why do you keep doing it?
Rylie: Because it's fun.
Mommy: Go take a time out




Rylie sitting on the potty...
"Remember, poop stinks."
Yes, yes, thanks for the reminder, Ry.




Mommy: Rylie, did you pee yet?
Rylie: Not quite.

Mommy: Ready to eat lunch?
Rylie: Not quite. In a bit.

Daddy: Snuggle up. Are you all comfy?
Rylie: Not quite.

Mommy: Ready for bed?
Rylie: Not quite.

Mommy: Are you ready to get out of the shower?
Rylie: No, Not quite.

I think you are catching on to this act, yes? No idea where she picked up the "not quite" from.



Rylie enters a room....
"Hey, what's going on in here?!"



Mommy watching Rylie and Daddy have a "picnic" in the igloo I built them. Rylie just gave Daddy some food...
Daddy: What are you going to eat?
Rylie: I'm going to eat my boogies.
Daddy: Why are you going to eat boogies?
Rylie: Why is ("because") they are my favorite food.
Mommy hides face to laugh but can't stop!




Working on writing her name...
Mommy: Are you going to turn that P into an R?
Rylie: Yup...Ab-so-lutely.




Finishing up lunch....
"First I'll finish my smoothie, then we'll go look at the fishes. Sound like a plan, Daddy? Ok."




In bed...
"Mommy...Mommy!"
I go up. "Yes, Ry?"
She says something I can't understand.
"What did you say"
Rylie: Remember, (singing) Look a little closer and find out what you want to know.
Mommy: (laughing) But I asked you what I want to know.
Rylie: singing Daniel Tiger again... "Look a little closer and find out what you want to know"
Mommy: (still laughing) Ok, I will, go to sleep.

A few minutes later.... repeat above

A few minutes later.... repeat again.
Mommy isn't laughing anymore. I took Philosophy 101 over 15 years ago and I'm not in the mood.




Mommy: Good Morning Rylie
Rylie: Good morning birdie, birdie Mommy.




Rylie: I'm Pluto
Daddy: Oh, well what does Pluto eat for dinner?
Rylie: Pluto eats fruits and vegetables.
Daddy: Fruits and vegetables?! (I'm sure thinking, ooh, maybe we have a shot with this tonight)
Rylie: That's right Pluto Daddy.
This turns into Pluto Dad becoming Dr. Dad and then a game of fetch, with a stethoscope as her tail.




Puts on some dress up princess clothes.
"Look, Mom! I look beautiful!"




Rylie: Caleb, do you want to play with me?
Caleb: Yeah.
Rylie: Here, I'll make you hot cocoa.
Caleb: Yeah.
Rylie: Ok, I'm hungry. Go get me food, Caleb.
Caleb: Oh, Ok. (Runs to find her real food)
Rylie: Thank you, Caleb. Caleb, I need my milk.
Caleb: Oh, Ok. (Runs to get her milk from the fridge)
Rylie: Thank you, Caleb. Caleb, read me a book.
Rylie: Caleb, read me another book, no I want this one.
Caleb: Oh, Ok. Here you go.
And on and on an on.....

Rylie: Caleb, let's be butterflies. Here's your wings. I'll help you put them on.
Caleb: Yeah.


Her poor brother.

"Rylie, how about some peaches?"
Rylie: No way Jose!



"Rylie, are you ready for school?"
Rylie: After a while.



Mommy: It's not time to get up Ry. Go back to sleep.
Rylie: But it's a beautiful nice day out there. I want to play out outside in the snow.
(No, the out outside is not a typo)



Just 5 minutes ago...
Daddy asks me if the wings are hot.
Rylie: Wings?! For me? (she doesn't eat meat)
Daddy: Sure, you can try them.
Rylie: That's right. I can do anything!



Lessons I've learned from my 3 year old....

We watch too much PBS and Disney Go.
Her self esteem is not lacking.
We have a serious booger picking issue.
My 3 year old is in charge of, well, just about everything!

This may not be as funny written as it is in the moment. I figure if nothing else, it's a good way for me to remember all the nutty things she does!

Three Random Things

So, there have been three things about my son over the past month that keep popping up in my head. They are totally random other than the part that they all relate to my son. They are also seemingly not a big deal but rather a prime example of how I can over-think  over-analyze and otherwise keep my chatter going at 300 mph just for the sake of staying insane. Oh, and for the sake of always trying to find meaning even in the tiniest of things. So, I thought I would share, because what else am I to do with it all but dump it out for you to read!?

1. I recently accepted that my "perfect" little baby has officially entered his terrible toddler years. I say "years" because I learned the hard with with my daughter that the terrible two's are not just a year long insanity trip but the start of my journey to the insane asylum.

My always smiling, sweet boy has discovered the word "NO" and likes to use it a lot. He also has discovered that dramatically throwing himself on the ground, screaming and kicking, when he doesn't get his way is part of the master plan to drive mommy bat shit crazy before she reaches 40. Thankfully I started scheduling appointments around preschool time so big sis was at school during his most ridiculous fit yet.

He thought he was getting a treat after his well check because he has just been there with dad the weekend before for blood work and daddy treated them to Starbucks cake pops after getting their arms jabbed with needles. He climbed into the highchair as I waited for my coffee and sat so nicely. Unfortunately it was the morning so there were no cake pops yet and nothing that would really work as a treat on the fly. I offered lots of other cool things like watching Barney in the car, his music shaker and going or a walk. I said "NO" and shook his head to all of the above. So, I wrestled him out of the highchair and started my trek to the car with my hot coffee in one hand and my purse, little lunch bag for milk and him on the other arm kicking, throwing himself back and screaming no, no, no.

All I could do was laugh as everyone who walked by gave that, oh you poor thing look of better you than me. We stopped four times so I wouldn't drop him on his head. Who am I kidding, I just didn't want to spill my precious coffee! He'd lay on the ground kicking while I readjusted all my crap and off we'd go again. It sounds awful but it really was pretty comical. Now, if it was my daughter acting like that I would have lost my mind and been all pissed off the rest of the day. That's that favorite child thing I guess. Or maybe this yoga stuff is working. Either way, we survived the boys most hellacious tantrum in public to date. Yay me. And once again I have confirmed my perfect baby boy is growing up and my dream of him skipping this oh so fun stage has 110% been squashed.

End of a tantrum. Can you see his black eye?
See #2 about that!

2. The boy has had many nicknames since his birth. My husband has this thing for making up crazy names or words. Some have included C-love and C-money. Bubs, Lubs (as in a combo of Bub and Caleb) were common too and one I hated from Grandpop was KK. But it seems one has finally stuck. Lumpers. Sometimes it's "Lumpy" but yes, I said Lumpers. As in lump. As in, this kid knocks his head off something daily and always has some sort of lump on his big ol' noggin. Aside from his already lumpy noggin which is how a derivative of this nickname originated when he was an infant.

He often has some assistance from his sister in obtaining his daily lumps. Most recently, he ended up with a lump on the head, and a black eye to go with it, in the 5 minutes it took me to get dressed. I still have no idea what happened. Five days later at his well check discussed above, his doctor checked around his eye bones, presumably for a skull fracture! Good grief. I worry every week that his preschool teachers are going to think we abuse this poor kid! Ironically, it's Rylie, who "lumps him up" as Daddy calls it, is the reason this nickname has now stuck. His sister calls him lumpers all day long. I say "Good morning, Caleb". She says, "Morning Lumpers!" When she plays with him I hear her say, "Here you go, Lumpers". "Want to play with my, Lumpers", etc.  She informed her teacher yesterday, "That's Lumpers!" She asks me if Lumpers is up from nap yet. So on and so on.

It's funny because when deciding on our kids names we considered if their their initials would spell/represent anything funky, like HGH for example, which is one reason we didn't go with Grace for Rylie's middle name. We considered possible nicknames family, teachers and friends could come up with that might make one might say, why on earth would you name your kid that, do you hate them?! What does my Caleb become? Freakin' Lumpers. It sounds like a boxers nick name. Or what you might call a street kid who uses his fists to solve problems instead of his words! Meanwhile, it's his sister who knocks the crap out of him each day. Oy!

So, I of course over-think it and wonder if it could lead to bad this down the line. Especially since his daddy used to have no qualms about using his fists back in the day. Will people think the wrong thing about this sweet little boy and will that transform him into not being so sweet? I mean seriously, what sort of sweet kid has the nickname LUMPERS growing up?! Ok, enough of my overthinking mommy freak out over something as silly as a nickname. You get it, right?

We still have no idea how he got this one!

"best" lump yet.
Compliments of big sister

3. Moving on. This one is the least significant of them all yet has the most meaning to me. The boy is without a doubt left handed. While I know it's not really solidified until about 5 years he has been predominately left handed his he started using his hands with purpose. I would set the fork down in front of him to test it and even put it towards his right hand, which he would simply switch after the first bite or so. I've watched him climb stairs, which is supposed to be more of an indication at this age than his hands and more often than not he goes left foot first.

I personally think it cool. While it's not exactly unique, it does make him a bit different than the average Joe and I like different. It's also not very surprising. Everyone in Craig's immediate family is left handed, or was before someone forced them to switch as a kid. But the part that makes me love this about him is that my Pap was left handed. If you have Yahrzeit (click to read) then you know why this means so much to me.

As I learn more about yoga and concepts like reincarnation creep in, which I read about many years back when I was really into different religions, it makes me wonder about this seemingly little thing of Caleb being left handed. This might be a bit much for you, but I like to think that when my Pap passed just a few months after Caleb was born, a part of his spirit stuck around and now shines through in my little boy. The nurses let us sneak the kids in to say goodbye to him and he kissed his great grandson and held his hand just hours before leaving this world. So maybe, just maybe.


Now, I honestly don't know if that's how reincarnation even works! Yes, of course I know hand dominance is genetic based, like most things, and that such genes are formed long before birth. And yes, yes, he easily could have gotten this left handed thing from his daddy too BUT, as I said, I like this idea. This idea that it's my Pap's presence is beautiful to me. It's like the connection I always felt to my grandma through my inability to describe why I always knew I was a Jew, in more than the ethnicity part of it. I smile as I think that something as simple as having to always consider where Caleb will sit during holiday meals will forever keep my Pap's spirit at our Thanksgiving table. It's that same feeling I get when I light the Shabbat candles and I feel the presence of my grandma lighting them with her mom as a kid and then with her kids.

Pap holding Caleb at his Bris,
about 3 & 1/2 months before
he passed.

This thought of my Pap's presence always being here brings joy and peace to my heart. It's something I can share with Caleb as he grows up, so he can know my Pap even though he's no longer here. He isn't just tied to him because we named him the Sandik at his Bris, my Pap is a part of him, always. Whether this is why he is left handed or not, like anything a person believes, it's simply a matter of believing it in your heart that makes it true or not. And this is what I choose to believe.

As I have said so many times before, I always look for meaning in even the seemingly smallest or insignificant things. I over-think and over-analyze but sometimes it helps me, like this time.



Like I said, three random things with just my son as the common denominator!!

Waiting...

I haven't written in awhile. Part of it is because I'm still so preoccupied by everything Penn State and it's not something I feel like blogging about, I get my "therapy" for that elsewhere and it's enough.

Part is because I planned to write a lot on vacation and ended up without any wifi! It was like vacationing in 1989 but it was GREAT. I know it's hard to believe but I actually relaxed on vacation with a 1 and 3 year old! Go figure.

Part is because I just don't know what to say. Other than my alma mater experiencing it's darkest days my life took a turn back to the on and off darkness of living with an alcoholic all while being rocked by some long awaited answers to my daughter's medical issues.

My life has been like a bit of a roller coaster and I guess I was waiting for the ride to slow down so I could focus a bit and pinpoint which part of my chatter was the loudest and in need of some self therapy on here. I kept waiting and waiting for... I'm not sure, the tide to turn, some positive news to share maybe. Today I realized, that's just life, the ups and downs and all around, so I better get back to writing before time gets away from me and I'm back at square one again.

So, here I am.

I thought today about what was most pressing in my chatter. I thought about why I'm so "obsessed" with my fight for my school and the truth and justice. Other than the fact that's simply who I am when I know in my core that it's the right thing to do, I wondered if there was more to it. I wondered, like I often do when I get so immensely wrapped up in something, if I was trying to block anything out. When I nearly started crying after my daughter started her odd hand thing again (I'll get to that) I realized that maybe I'm trying to suppress all the fear, worry and anxiety I'm feeling regarding her. Because there is A LOT of those emotions right now and I know if I allow them to take over they will incapacitate me. So, I preoccupy my thoughts instead.

For those that don't know, we have been seeing specialist after specialist trying to get to the route of a couple issues with our little girl. It started with her reflux "returning" after about 8 months weaned from medication. She was diagnosed with at 6 weeks old and successfully weaned shortly after Caleb was born. It never fully went away but it wasn't too bad and didn't seem to bother her. By early this year it was so bad I knew it needed addressed again though, and so it began... again.

We went back to the pediatric GI, a new one since we had moved. We tried an allergist, which was pointless. No one bothered to read old records, I had to fight for tests not to be repeated, reiterate everything like they had no idea why we were there and go through everything we had already tried. We went through a whole new round of tests including an upper GI which was so traumatic I'll forever have the image of my baby strapped down yelling, "Mommy, help me, help me, mommy, I'm scared, mommy, all done, help me, I'm scared" over and over for 30 minutes ingrained in my memory. I felt completely helpless to comfort my little girl for the first time. Sure, I could have stopped the test but the alternative was anesthesia and a scope and putting her under scared the hell out of me, anything can happen.

The test concluded she has constipation and reflux. No kidding? Thanks. Though I should be relieved it wasn't anything crazy like organs out of place, I couldn't help but feel annoyed.

Then we got results a couple weeks later that said her pancreas wasn't producing enough digestive enzyme to break down and absorb fat. I still don't know exactly what that means but I had already started her on a homeopathic digestive enzyme which the doctor said should suffice so... we'll wait and see.

Then it was on to the pediatric endocrinologist. A what? What the hell do they do? I honestly am still not exactly sure but his job was to figure out why she isn't growing/make sure it's not simply genetics, which I have thought it was all along. I mean we aren't exactly big people so what else would it be?! Another round of tests... on her birthday because I was not taking her back in that radiology room where I knew she would flip out upon seeing that x-ray machine. Daddy took off for his little girl's big 3rd birthday, so, the hospital is where the day began.

One test was a blood test for some genetic thing the doctor said was less common but more serious and he just wanted to rule it out. I didn't think twice about it but rather was freaking out and consumed with worry that it would come back she had growth hormone deficiency. I have no intention of giving her growth hormones and I didn't want to feel like a bad parent for refusing hormone treatments. I buy organic milk to avoid giving her unnecessary hormones and someone was going to tell me to willingly put them in her body?! I called her pediatrician...again....freaking over the new information. She calmed me down... again.... I love her doctor.

When the endocrinologist doctor himself called to go over the results, and then called back first thing the next day after I missed his call, I thought, uh oh.

He explained to me that she has that genetic thing I didn't think twice about BUT it does not appear that she is growth hormone deficient. Of course not, of course it's the worse of them. She has what's called a balanced chromosome translocation. Yes, it's a mouthful though not all that difficult to understand. A part of two chromosomes essentially switched places. Because they simply switched it means no genetic material was lost. This is good. But they can't say if whatever those genes are responsible for will react properly being in the wrong place. So, we wait. For nearly a decade we simply have to WAIT.

What are we waiting for? Why so long? We are waiting to find out if my little girl can have kids. Yes, kids of her own. Or, if she will have early ovary failure. We are waiting to see how this chromosome thing may or may not effect her reaching puberty, which can have all sorts of issues associated with that, including fertility issues.

My heart sank. I have told myself ANYTHING can happen when it comes to medical technology by the time she wants kids...I've told myself this may be a moot point, maybe she won't even want kids... and then my heart breaks all over at the idea of her desperately wanting biological children and finding out before she can even drive a car that she will never be able to. BUT, it's not a guarantee, just a higher probability than the average Joe, or Jane in this instance. How high? They aren't sure. But he has two other girls he sees with the same region of their X chromosome impacted in some way (not the exact same way as Rylie's) and one hasn't reached puberty and the 14 year old's ovaries are starting to fail.

A LOT to take in for a momma, huh? Well, it doesn't end there. Nope, the hits kept coming.

Her bone age (the hand x-ray) came back at 2 years old. She turned 3 last month. Why is my baby so tiny if she's not growth hormone deficient? We don't know exactly. Maybe it's because of the chromosome thing, maybe not. What we do know is this... if she continues on the growth curve she's on she will only hit 4'6"-4'8". All the women on both sides may be small, but this isn't quite normal. Something is amiss. We also know she is an extremely picky eater which may be because of her reflux, constipation and digestion issues, or maybe it's just because she's three. After counting her calories for a few days we also know that she is not getting nearly enough to grow properly so her reason for not growing could be as simple as this, she needs more food. I pray it's this.

Now to figure out how to get her to eat more without an appetite stimulant. To me, "stimulant" just sounds like a drug I don't want to put in her little body if I can avoid it in any way.

NOW, why was I nearly crying yesterday you might recall from earlier? The odd hand thing? Yes, well, Rylie started doing this odd hand thing some time ago. I honestly can't recall when but in my attempt to try to figure it out I think it was after her binky was a thing of the past. It's not all the time either, it comes and goes. As someone who used to work with children on the autism spectrum I know what she is doing is stimming. But it looks more like she's playing with an imaginary piece of string. She may do it for hours in the middle of the night. She imaginary plays while doing it. At 3am some nights I'll hear.... "look, mommy, a picture!" What the heck do you say to that?!

I could deal with her doing this all night if it was her way of decompressing, rehashing her day in her own strange way, whatever. But she started doing it more over the past week and now it's not just when she wakes at night. She did it while sitting on the potty before bed the other day and flipped out that she wasn't done on the potty but then continued to do her hand stim... with her eyes tightly closed. She did it again yesterday when we got home from the library. I never saw her do it in the middle of the day. I took a quick video, asked her what she was doing even though she rarely answers and when she does it usually includes her imaginary play as a reason... "I'm playing with a bug" or something like that. Then she was done with it and I haven't seen it again, 24 hours later. But I was freaking out inside and went to the kitchen to text my husband about what we should do.

He said, let's wait and see. Wait a week. Maybe she's just still upset about vacation being over. May sound funny but she was really upset that we left the beach (and amusement park) and came home. Me too! But it was also when it increased. It's also when she started grinding her teeth, again... and a lot. Another stim.

Maybe he's right, maybe she is just upset. Or, maybe she senses my anxiety over all these unanswered questions and this is how she's dealing with it. Maybe it's something else. My behavior therapist side started doing some research. There's a lot of scary stuff about stimming though it is very reasonable to conclude it's perfectly normal, considering she has no other developmental things (other than her growth and digestive stuff I mean) Well, and her sleep issues which no one can seem to explain, other than maybe it's her reflux, which is certainly a reasonable conclusion. She met all her milestones on time, she's social and plays well, she has school ready skills (A,B, C's, 1,2,3's...), there's no gross or fine motor issues, etc. and though I felt she was slower to talk she was always within normal limits and it has really picked up lately. I keep thinking, maybe I'm missing something because it's impossible to totally remove the mom hat in my "evaluation". What if I'm missing something?

If the stimming stuff didn't scare me enough, doing searches relating to that AND the chromosome thing brought about a whole new set of fears that I damn near stopped breathing. Then the anxiety, worry wart mommy in me took over and thought, what if there's more, like something really, really bad more?

This time, the word wait is helpful, therapeutic even.

There are so many levels to her various issues I need to remind myself to take them one at a time. We haven't even met with the genetics doctor yet, heck, they haven't even called me to set up the appointment! Which annoys me. But I'm not exactly the most patient person when it comes to getting answers about my kids health. Who am I kidding, I'm not exactly patient about anything!

Lately though, I mostly fear what if the doctors are missing something? What if they aren't steering us in the right direction? What if, what if, what if.... It's hard to trust any of them when I question the competence of nearly everyone lately. I could get second opinions but the idea of putting her through any more tests when this all seems pretty clear makes me think I'm just getting carried away. I'm just being an overly worried mom and I just need to wait and see what comes of the things we are trying.

Who knows, maybe she'll get over her picky eating and by the end of the year we'll see her inching her way onto the growth chart again. I'm hoping the peer pressure at preschool will get her to try new foods at snack time and open a door for us at home. Maybe the odd hand stims and teeth grinding are simply anxiety or her trying to keep herself awake to avoid bedtime and it'll pass as she matures. Research I've read states this is certainly possible, especially if the child is otherwise typical. Maybe the digestive enzyme I have her on is working and that follow up test will come back normal and we'll have one problem solved just like that. Maybe. Just wait. Be patient. Ha.

I have to have faith that I have been on top of all of this since she was 6 weeks old. I have followed up and taken her to every specialist recommended to cover all our bases and ensure it's nothing more. I've tried everything suggested to us by damn near everyone who has ever suggested something. I can't imagine there is any more I can reasonably do except wait for now and see what happens with all we are trying. But waiting is oh so hard when you're a mommy and you can't fix what is wrong with your child with the snap of your fingers or even a band-aid.

I know there are people out there dealing with so much more with their children and my heart aches for these parents. This is quite enough for me. I pray, desperately, that this is all it is and we are doing right by her. As we wait....

You Are Special My Big Girl

I've been working on this one for sometime now, to the point that I have changed the time frame in the first sentence about four times! What I am trying to say just isn't coming out the way I want but here I'll try again....


My baby turned three nearly a month ago now. THREE. yikes! Wasn't it yesterday I was eating nachos, watching The Next Food Network Star when it hit me, and the anxiety of the unknown set in, that my little girl was ready to meet us? Yet that was somehow three. years. ago. Time is passing so fast it makes me realize that in no time my baby, sorry, my "big girl", will be starting school, a teenager, a young woman, leaving us for college and starting a life of her very own! I know, I know, I'm getting ahead of myself a bit. But seriously, it is already flying by.


I wanted to write a letter to her for her birthday but I had just written one recently and thought much of it would be the same. It was just this whole "you're not special" thing was big around that time and I thought I should put my two cents in so she would understand why her daddy and I 100% agree with this notion.


So, here goes.


Hey big girl....


I've been thinking a lot about how we can help you grow into that strong and confident young woman ready to take on the world with what seems like endless obstacles working against us. How can we help you reach your full potential and achieve great things? That question is always floating around my head especially when I say something to you that you may not understand and take the wrong way. You're so young and impressionable and I'm keenly aware that the things I say now can become deeply rooted messages you learn and take to heart. I try to choose my words carefully but well, you're three, and a lot of times that is very hard to do in the moment!


When you're being difficult I try very hard to word it "that's bad" because YOU ARE NOT BAD. I try to remind you all the time that you're a good girl because lets face it, you get in trouble a lot. I worry that I get too frustrated with you too often and you might start to think you're not a good person. Or worse, that you might start to think you're not loved. It's impossible to predict how you might interpret things in that little head of yours. I could do it all "right" and you could still think you're not good enough. And we both know I don't do it "right" most of the time, so mostly I just worry that I'm totally screwing you up!


This adds to my worry because your daddy and I agree with this notion that many people are talking about lately, this idea that you're not special. (click link if you're not sure what I'm talking about) I worry that you will take that the wrong way and well, not think you're special.


So, with all this floating around my head, I needed to clarify something for you my big girl. You ARE special. To us. It's just that, other than your family, that's pretty much where any of your "entitled" specialness ends. We know you, we know what you're made of and we know that everything about you is so very special and we love you. That unconditional love entitles you to being special in our hearts.... always. There are very subtle differences in these words, "entitled", "special", "love"... and it is certainly much too complex for a 3 year old to understand of course. But someday, you'll need to understand. And I'm also more aware of how quickly that day will be here and I don't want to be looking on at my 12 year old throwing a tantrum because you weren't put in the game after only going to 1/2  the practices or even bothering to put the time and effort into it, whatever the "it" turns out to be. Or worse yet, crying over a 5th place trophy that should never even exist to begin with.


We aren't the coddling type. If you get a 15th place ribbon we aren't going to tell you that you're the best. You weren't the best. And that's okay. As long as you tried your best and had fun then we'll be happy, and if you want, we'll just keep practicing and try again to do better next time. But don't expect any "you were awesome, you should have won" crap. There's a reason why we have a winner and a loser. It's an important life lesson that is best to learn early, lest you think you are "special" or entitled to rewards you didn't achieve. One of my favorite lines from the commencement speech above was, "if everyone is special then no one is, if everyone gets a trophy then trophies become meaningless". So true.

If you get a C and didn't study we aren't going to feel bad for you or call your teacher and find a way to get it changed. You didn't earn it. You get what you earn in life and if you need help then you need to ask. Daddy and I will ALWAYS be here to help you work towards whatever it is you desire, but we won't hand it to you and you shouldn't expect anyone else to either. Nothing in life should be handed to you if you don't put any effort in, and there's no reason to be given a reward if you didn't earn it. I know Barney is teaching you the opposite of that right now but that's just not reality....


But again, let me make myself very clear... You and your brother are so very special to us. Just not to the rest of whole world. And that's okay. 


No one who is or was special to a vast majority became that way by just showing up. They worked hard, every day, to achieve great things which happened to be recognized by the world. Lots of people do amazing things daily that go unrecognized by most, and that's okay too. The point is that YOU know you're special, that you are confident in yourself, love yourself and are humble enough to know that this alone doesn't entitle you to anything. It's important that you work hard and that you strive to do great things... for you. And that you strive to do good and help make this world a better place... for all of us. Sometimes your efforts won't be noticed. It's okay. Doing great things doesn't entitle you to being special. Nothing you do entitles you to that really.


Nothing worth while is handed to you, nothing. Anything that is isn't worth having anyway. You may end up smart enough to get good grades without trying very hard, like daddy, but push yourself anyway. Try things that are out of your comfort zone and if you're no good at it then feel free to move on. But try. Everyone finds their greatness by focusing on their strengths. It would be silly for you to focus all your efforts on being in the WNBA someday but that doesn't mean if you love basketball you can't go and play, or referee like your great Pap!


"The fulfilling life, the distinctive life, the relevant life is an achievement, not something that fell into your lap"


Another awesome quote from that speech. Some people didn't like this man's speech. But I LOVED it. I 110% agree with him and those that don't, I believe, are the ones helping to create this world where our children get this erroneous idea that they're entitled and special and everything they desire should be served up on a silver platter. I'm sorry big girl, but you will have to work hard to be better than others if you want to get into the college of your dreams and if you desire a certain job. You'll have to work hard to get promotions. You'll have to prove yourself "special" to be successful in the "real" world.


You may choose to stay home with your future children like I did but that doesn't get you off the hook either. Rather, you have to help your own children realize they aren't all that special despite being the most precious thing in the world to you. That my dear is no easy feat but that is also what will help to secure our futures. Helping you grow into a confident young woman, prepared to work hard to achieve great things, not just for yourself but for society, is precisely what makes me special. Maybe not to the world, but I know I'm contributing to our society in a positive way and that's what matters. But I'm not entitled to the "specialness" simply because I'm a mom. I have to work my butt off everyday and it's hard work.


I know you can do it, whatever the "it" may be. While you may not be special to the rest of the world, you are uniquely you and so very special to your daddy and I. You can do great things, and I know you will.... so long as we can survive these treacherous threes!


Love you baby...oops, I mean, my big girl!


Mommy

Two Dogs? Oy Vey!

Those who know me have heard the endless stories of laying awake listening to my little girl bark like a dog for hours many nights each week. For those that don't know me, I'm talking like 3 hours, not exaggerating, one night was FOUR. She would also practice every word she knew at the time and sing but there's no doubt barking was part of these many nights.

Now many thought my countless facebook statuses and conversations about the barking and singing was hilarious! Of course there were plenty of nights Craig and I laid there giggling at the insanity of it all, and partially from the delirium of exhaustion. One night in particular Craig said, "She is such an odd child. I hope she invents something cool someday".  In addition to the laughing and pondering what would come of our daughter, I mostly would get frustrated that my barking child was keeping me awake for hours on end and the rest of me simply worried. I mean, this can't be normal, I thought? I have since been told of similar stories of other children doing the same thing so I feel better in that regard. Plus, now going on 3 years old, she seemed to get over her dog stage.... or so I thought.

Lately we've been seeing a return of Rylie the dog. I didn't pay much attention at first since from time to time she would still pretend play a dog, especially while eating. She would bark and say she's a dog. Okay, pretty common for her age, no big deal. Yup, No. Big. Deal.

Did I forget to mention this?
Rylie thought the dog crate at Uncle Gary's was the place to be over Easter.
Perhaps I  should have started to worry again then?! hmmm.

Yesterday while waiting for the trolley we ended up waiting with the same guy and his grown son who helped us get the kids and our big ass double stroller on the trolley on the way to the science center. He offered to help again and asked Rylie her name. As usual she didn't answer so I encouraged her to answer the man. After asking her what her name is a couple times she finally said, "Dog". I figured she was ignoring us and talking about something else so I tried again.

Me: "No, what's your name?"
Rylie: In a more sure tone. "My name is, Dog".
I laughed because, really? And to make the guy think she was just joking and not crazy!
Me: You're silly Rylie, what's your name?
Rylie: stubborn as ever. " My name is, Dog!"

Okay, whatever, this is one of those times when a parent decides if this is a battle worth having and I decided, absolutely not. We'll work on this "what's your name" thing later... AGAIN.

When we got home she told us again that her name was dog and we said, no your name is Rylie Hoosier. "Rylie Oozer" Yes, that's right, Rylie, good job. Oy Vey! It always amazes me how what seems to be the simplest thing is like pulling teeth when it comes to a two year old. Well, nearly three, but whatever.

Today she spent a good amount of time in her pretend dog play, including diving on Caleb sending him sailing backwards to the ground (let the tears begin!) and landing on him laughing. I asked what she was doing and she responded that she was a doggy. To give her credit, Apollo does jump up like that. Though that didn't get her out of her time out, where I heard her barking from the dining room as I comforted my whiny baby who was just made worse by being mauled by our "doggy".

THEN, as if the eating like a dog, barking like a dog, running around with things in her mouth wanting you to play fetch like a dog (yes, that's been part of it too!), jumping and tackling brother like a dog were not enough.... she licked me! I guess when you read to a dog that's what the appropriate response is. Who knew? I never read a book to Apollo before.

No worries folks, the doggy business didn't end there today. I was finally checking out at Wal Mart, as I briefly lost my mind and went during after work hours in my fruitless attempt to find a double umbrella stroller (after Babies R Us was a bust) when she grabbed Caleb (who was being a whiny hiney like he was all day) and she started to LICK HIM! In line. A busy line.

He thought this was hilarious! Of course that's what would make him laugh, why didn't I think of it sooner? Him laughing with the combination of me saying, please don't do that Rylie, was all the encouragement she needed to continue licking her brother as I finished in the check out line. Both giggled like it was the funniest thing to ever happen to them. Problem is I can't help but smile at their giggles. Smiling while attempting to stop an undesirable behavior never ends in success. Parenting tip of the day. 


But to be honest, as I worry again that this just isn't normal, mostly all I an think is... as long as she doesn't start barking for hours each night again, and licking her brother makes him laugh rather than cry, then whatever! Lick away little doggy, lick away. Just don't lick me or keep me up at night.

My kids have some serious issues.

Or my kid and my "new dog" because it seems we are just getting started. Oy Vey.

To My Daughter on Mother's Day

On my third Mother's Day as a mom I debated writing to my mom or to my daughter. Since I felt my post a few days ago, Motherhood is Not for the Weak, was a reasonable tribute to the greatness of my mom I went with the latter, especially considering my little girl is nearly three and I always feel a pang of guilt when I see the "note to baby" spots in her baby book, pre-made scrapbook and 1st year calendar all remain blank.

The thing is, I'm not very good with expressing my emotions. Sometimes my writing will overtake me and I can make people laugh and/or cry and maybe feel a bunch of other emotions too, but verbally, I really suck at saying how I feel. I've never been quite sure what I want to express to my daughter. How important it is to me that she be Jewish, not just by blood and birthright but by celebrating the traditions that make our heritage so meaningful to me? How important it is to be strong and stand up for what you believe in? I haven't done a fabulous job of that lately so it's tough to tell my baby to do this and not feel a bit like a hypocrite. Granted, I haven't done a real stand up job at celebrating all the joys of being a Jew lately either so....what do I want to say to her...... Hopefully my fingers will just figure it out because... if not now, when?
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My Dear Rylie

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write my 'note to baby'. It's not that I wasn't instantly smitten by you and that freakishly full head of hair on such a teeny tiny little being....

10 days old and ALL that hair!

It's more that I just found myself overwhelmed by the first six weeks of motherhood and then time seemed to get away from me, especially after your brother came along less than 19 & 1/2 months later! You'll find that once you keep putting something off then it just seems silly to do it after the point. But this Mother's Day I realized it's never silly to tell you how loved you are, how special you are and how I can't even begin to imagine my life without you in it. It's never too late for that.

There are so many things I want you to know and learn, so much I dream you will be. Strong, loving, compassionate, giving, honest, respectful, smart, beautiful in every way that really matters. I want you to reach for the stars and never give up. I won't say you can be anything you want because I always found that saying a bit ridiculous. I'm sorry babe but it's very doubtful you'll play in the WMBA someday, though I guess you could be in the guinness book of world records for shortest professional basketball player, who knows. (Great) Pap sure would be proud if that happened! And since our space program is pretty much a thing of the past, becoming an astronaut that flies to the moon is a long shot too, but maybe anything else you dream of. The point is to dream and hope and fight to make your dreams come true. 

Most of all I wish you to be happy. Happiness can be a fickle thing sometimes. You might think, if only I had (insert pretty much anything you can think of here) then I would be happy. But really, the secret to happiness comes from within. Once you find happiness in yourself, with who you are, then the happiness is there no matter what you have or who you have to share in this adventure of life with. Find that happiness, embrace it with all you've got, bottle it up and keep it close, because life is hard and there are lots of bumps in the road but that bottle of happiness will keep you strong and moving down the right path that's meant just for you. 

Don't believe everything you hear. Friends don't always know best and I know this is hard to believe but I won't always have the right answer! Ask questions, search for the truth, follow your heart but use your head. While family is blood  know that every family has issues. If someone isn't healthy for you and you find that bottle of happiness slipping from your embrace it's okay to let that person go their own way, no matter who they are. Daddy and I want nothing more but for you to enjoy your life and be happy so it's okay, I promise, it'll be okay. But you have to believe too.

You have to believe in yourself and believe in God, or at least in something greater than you. Though I would prefer for that be God. Just know that there is meaning to life. You may think you found it when you have your first crush and the world seems to stop all around you and your heart skips a beat every time you see this person. This is close but not quite it. You may think you know what life is all about when you graduate high school because everyone knows everything when they graduate high school. You may think, again, that you really figured it out as you walk the same streets mommy and daddy did at Penn State. But please, as you figure out the meaning of life in college just remember one thing... I never, ever want to hear the details of how you came to such conclusions about life, unless of course you found them in the classroom... the classroom, yes, that's where you will find your answers! Tell me all about how you go to every class every day and study all night because that's what mommy and daddy did at Penn State.

As you search and find and search again, just please remember how I asked you to follow your heart but use your head. I hope you'll remember everything I tell you and teach you but if you do forget, just remember that one thing and how much you are loved... and you'll be okay. 

For me, I found that the meaning of life is as simple as it is profound. It's love. Pure and simple, love. Love for yourself and others, for humanity. But ultimately for me, you are that meaning. You and your brother. Love for your child is something that I can't put into words. It's like that first crush, times a million. Because in an instant everything changes. Everything you've ever wanted and dreamed of somehow changes. Nothing can prepare you, my words can't, books can't, having your own baby grow inside you can't, nothing can until you hold that tiny little being in your arms and look in her eyes. That's when the meaning of life hit me, like a gush of wind on a hot day that blows life directly into your soul, it hit me when you entered my world.

I want the world for you but I'll try to refrain from pushing all I want on you because you need to find your own path and your own meaning of life and your own happiness. All I can do is hold your hand and guide you along the way and pray you'll hold on tight until your ready to let go... and then come back for some love and guidance as needed.... and again when I need you to hold my hand.

The day you were born is the day God decided the world could not exist without you. 

~ Rabbi Nachman of Breslov

PS- I also hope you are blessed with a daughter someday. You'll understand why I added this when that daughter is your age now my love, you'll understand.