Career Mom

I'm back! I know, it's a miracle; twice in a week. Or more accurate would be, within 7 days time, because Sunday-Saturday is an obsolete time frame in the world of a stay at home mom. Which brings me to one of the things that has been weighing on my mind... oh, for about four years now. Wow, I can't believe it's been that long since I quit my out of home job to take on the role of mommy, a.k.a. Homemaker.

Every time I write that word, homemaker, on some form that asks my occupation I feel like I'm back in the 50's. I get this vision of putting a dress on every morning, doing my hair, painting on makeup I never wore to begin with, preparing some 3 course meal for dinner all while playing with the kids and teaching them their ABC's and ensuring they are read at least one book per day, because you know that's been proven to be the most important thing when it come to early learning! *sigh* Oh right, and ensuring the house is spotless... each day. Ha. 

My husband definitely came home to this one day
shortly after our move

 

I cringe every time I call myself a homemaker because all that is soooo not me. And I hate to admit it. I really do. I want to be that mom. That mom who says, I LOVE being home with my kids, I can't wait to have more running around... watching me pee and making it so my every other day ability to shower turns into, wait, when did I last shower? Yeah, not happening. I must have been having some sort of delusional episode when I wrote Hmmm, Three. I really do want to be that mom who bakes each day and enjoys playing dolls and dinosaurs and doesn't do it just because she feels she has to. I have fought every day for 4 years to be that mom. The one I always wanted to be. The one I truly thought I would be. The one I wished my mom could have been for me, because she would have been really good at being that mom. She was good at the single working mom thing too.

If you've never been a stay at home mom, other than those first few weeks when your job was awesome enough to give you paid time off to be with your new little bundle of joy or you made due and took whatever time you could, then you won't understand this plight. And that's okay. It is. I can vaguely remember the working outside of the home mom plight at this point. I have a lot of other posts you can peruse if you like, because this probably isn't the one for you!

I've talked to a number of mom's about this, read countless blog posts and articles, many of which somehow turn into some judging match of who is the better mom, which makes my blood boil. It's not a competition folks! Most recently though, I overheard a conversation that really hit home for me. A mom was telling another mom how she tried the stay at home mom thing for 10 months and realized it wasn't for her. She commented she felt guilty going back to work at first but her kids love their daycare time and they are learning a lot she loves her adult time at work. Ahhhh, adult time, whoa, what is that, I thought in my head. That sounds heavenly whatever it is! Especially since I'm pretty sure I've lost all sense of proper social skills since staying home. Example: when my husband gave our son another cookie at a party this weekend I yelled across the way to stop and get it from him. Because, well, when your kids are acting like fools and an earshot away, it's totally okay to yell for them to stop and come here, right?

I should note, my kids are allergic to dairy, add on eggs for my son, and my husband had already given the kids cookies earlier, like an hour earlier. It drives me crazy that he constantly does this because he wants to be like everyone else. Seriously? You want to make your kid uncomfortable and get his reflux all flared up, which the doctor's believe is what's causing his chronic ear and sinus infections, because all the other kids are eating cookies?! I can semi set aside my clean eating, no dyes, HFCS and other garbage in that sort of stuff when at parties because it's the only time they get those things, but when they are allergic to it and it can lead to other issues, I do sort of loose it at some point. Ok, sorry, rant over.

In the end, what this mom I never officially met said was a real eye opener for me. For some reason, I've never thought about going back to work that way. As in, doing it because it's what I need and that being OKAY! My mom always put what I needed or wanted first. At least that's how I remember it. She worked because she had to. I guess I had it in my head that's the way it should be. In many ways, it is. You're whole life turns upside down once you become a parent but that doesn't mean every. single. thing. you do must be centered around the kids. Does it? If you need to work in order to keep your sanity and to be able to truly enjoy your time with your kids then you should be able to dothat, without the added emotion of guilt.

I can't seem to figure out where this overwhelming feeling of guilt comes from each time I start to look for work outside of the home, something I've done more and more of recently. Actually, it stems from a number of places, both external and internal. But I could psychoanalyze those reasons until the moon is up. So, I end up squashing the idea of a job search because I can't take the guilt. 

I grew up in a daycare and I hated it. That doesn't mean my kids would. In fact, I'm pretty sure mine would love it. They are very social and I was very shy as a child. I liked being around adults better. I wanted to be home with my mom like most of my friend's were. Especially once I was school age and all my friends went home while I went to daycare. That doesn't mean my kids desire to be home with me above all else though. And that's where I go round and round and round and end up right back here. At home, thinking, why can't they play nice for more than 5 minutes so I can get this darn blog post written! And of course feeling guilty because I'm taking an hour to write it, rather than pretending to be a princess or a frog or making up what sounds an awful lot like a new language and then singing it to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star. Yes, both can sing that song but my son prefers to talk like a monster and/or create his own crazy concoction of made up words when he sings it. It's actually pretty hilarious.

I feel like I'm complaining but I'm not trying to. I'm truly at a crossroads I think many mom's have faced before and may be facing along with me now. I love my kids like nothing else in the world. I love them above all else. I'd do anything for them. I'd give anything for them. I live for them. And I'm beginning to realize that is precisely the problem. I somehow lost myself and became solely a mom. No one can be the mom they desire to be when they have forgotten who they are as an individual.

I had hoped being a yoga instructor would help alleviate this need do more than be a mom and steer me back on the path to myself. I loved my teaching time in WV. I loved having my own money coming in too. I didn't feel hopelessly dependent on my husband. Unfortunately, I'm having difficulty getting started back up since we moved. I can't seem to find the right fit here and it's beginning to weigh on me. With summer upon us, it will be even more difficult, as my 4 week workshop starting tomorrow can attest to considering no one has signed up yet. I had all my connections in place in WV since I did my training there. I keep putting feelers out and using every resource I can think of here but nothing seems to come to fruition and my frustration is rising. Thus, while I'm happy to be back in my home state, I'm also back to being "just a mom". I don't mean that in the sense that it's not the most important "job" out there, I mean that it's all I have. Like I said earlier, that's just not me. I'm not Suzie homemaker. And far from mother of the year. Huffington Post recently posted a question asking what the best age is. One response said something along the lines of loving every single age even more and how wonderful it all is. I can't lie, I definitely gagged a bit. Are the people who write that stuff serious?! God, I hope not or that whole far from mother of the year is more like bottom of the totem pole.

I always dreamed big and to think my ambition now is a daily to do list which includes a weekly goal of getting all four toilets in the house clean and for once not forgetting something at the grocery store so I don't have to go there four times each week, it's sort of depressing. Heck, I'd be happy if I could remember my to do list each day, and to put on deodorant, because lord knows my mommy brain has shifted into overdrive and I'm truly concerned about the number of functioning brain cells I have left. Seriously though, I want to enjoy this choice I made to stay home. I want to enjoy my time with my kids. At least more often than I desire to ring their necks! They won't be little for long and I'll miss it if I keep going like this. I really want to want this as my sole "job" but as a mom on a blog I read recently pointed out, this isn't a job. And she's right. Being a parent is simply a part of life once you are one. It's a responsibility, for life, NOT a job, or a career. Balancing on that fine line of it being your whole life and having a life is possibly more challenging that the whole parenting gig itself!

After nearly 5 years, I'm still trying each day to figure out that balance of life and parenthood. My goal is to figure out what works for ME, and soon, without the mommy guilt! Anyone know if that's possible? I sure hope so.

Hope and Books

I haven't forgotten about this little place. I've just been continuing to remain immersed in my paranormal romance, fantasy, action packed, forbidden love stories that keep my mind off all the things I should be doing and thinking through. Just so you fully understand my new found obsession, I decided to include a list of all the books I've read over the past few months at the end.

Other than my head being buried in a book 24/7, or more accurately my phone or iPad on the kindle app, I've also been contemplating what I want to do with my life. Yes, yoga was a dream and I finally completed my certification... but then found that it remains challenging to teach with my kids still so young. On top of that it also means my own practice has slacked off so much I have to wonder if I should be teaching right now. Not having a husband I can trust to leave my kids alone with, for fear of him drinking the moment I walk out the door, started to make my dream more an anxiety filled task. At the same time, feeling trapped at home with my only role being "Mommy" has made me realize I am not the mother I thought I would be. Or could be. Most of the time I don't even feel like I'm a good mom. 

My solution... I need to go back to work. I need time away from my kids so I can regain patience and enjoy their sweet little smiles and intoxicating giggles. The problem... I don't have an overwhelming passion to do much of anything. Other than teach yoga... but I can't exactly teach 4 classes back to back every day without burning out quickly. So, in between my reading and the typical mommy duties... I've been brainstorming how to bring a bit of happiness back to my life via some sort of work I desire to do outside of the home. 

My favorite job was a Starbucks barista. That and my waitress job in south beach. Since I can't exactly pick up and move back to the  beach, I think my solution is to find a cute little local coffee shop and get back to keeping the community awake! While I'd love to go back to getting a "real" paycheck, I also do not want to add to my stress level. Being a therapist isn't the most stress free of career choices so... making coffee... that I can do. A barista is nothing short of a daytime bartender anyway and we all know a bartender is as close to a therapist without the need to confidentiality as you can get. Couple that with some yoga classes, and hopefully a number of privates to make child care worth the cost, and I just may be able to reclaim a piece of that ever elusive happiness I'm always seeking. If nothing else, a consistent break from my sole role of mommy so I can get back to enjoying the most important "job" I have. The only one that really matters. And there you have it. My big plan.

Though our upcoming move has left me with a bittersweet feeling and the anxiety of finding that "perfect" home has finally come to an end, as of today actually, I'm slowly allowing myself to feel a small sense of hope. I gave up allowing myself to feel hope some time ago; around when I realized I wasn't going to leave my husband and he wasn't going to fight the alcoholic in him hard enough to overcome it either. So to even feel an inkling of hope right now is a rather foreign emotion and I'm not sure how to react to it. My first instinct is to push it aside because allowing hope to surface has only left me feeling hopeless far too many times over the past handful of years. I'm fighting that urge though. With a new home on the horizon and a solid plan in place to get myself back out in the world of the living, I think allowing myself to feel a bit of hope is a positive first step in the right direction. 

In the meantime... there's the fun parts of moving to be accomplished like getting our new doctors in place, or old ones reestablished, getting the kids into a new school, packing... again, getting on the schedule at a yoga studio or two, changing our address...again. And of course there's many more of my vampire, witches, werewolves, fairy and other supernatural creatures apocalyptic filled drama and love stories left to indulge in. 

So my friends, here's to giving hope another shot. And may you never lose your hope like I did. It's really no way to live. 

Namaste.


And as promised... My "recent" book list. Recent as in about the past 5 months. Like I said, I have a problem! Yes, I've read all of these. Some a couple of times. And I may have missed some as formatting all this was a pain in the butt! Some are for an adult audience, which I didn't realize at the time, but they were excellent.


 

Giving the werewolves some love too.
2 in this series and definitely for
adults only.

 

There's 5 or 6 of this series depending
how you buy it. Very unique.
Can be more violent than one
might like but it's cheap and very good.

I hate to even say I read this series b/c it said it was going to continue with another trilogy and then the author just went MIA. But it was interesting... with no real ending.



Loved this series. 3rd one in
trilogy is not released yet. Check
out author's page here.







6 in this series. Last one to be
released in May. 1st one is a
movie already. Read them all in
5 days! Check them out here.

There are 10 books total in this series 
(Vampires Realm) and a few shorts you
can download for free here. Loved them all.


 







Only read first 3. Another adult read.
Same author as Vampires Realm. Sharing
my supernatural love with angels :)





Yup, read all 13. Prefer the original
author but I was hooked so I kept
on until the end. More to come! Order
to read is here. NOTHING like the show.

My most recent read. Cried my eyes out during
book 3! Unique, action and epic love story!



Just a good romance series. No
supernatural stuff. Series is here.


 

Scorpio Passion

The other day I spoke to someone who was genuinely surprised to learn my birthday was coming up, thus making me a Scorpio. When they said, but you're so nice, I chuckled a bit and said, well, you've never scorned me. I was also recently complimented on my energy as a yoga instructor. Not like the energizer bunny sort of energy, because we all know I desperately lack that, but the energy that radiates from each of us. I was told it was positive and uplifting and my students can feel it, and that it's not something you can teach to new instructors, or anyone for that matter.

These couple compliments, combined with my utterly unhealthy obsession with my vampire novels and my continuing drama of being married to an alcoholic, all got me to thinking about a few things.

1. I must have some vampire magic to be able to exude such energy or a positive and uplifting aura, if you will, because God knows... as does my family, most days that's just not me.

2. Perhaps my obsession with reading stories of epic love, magic and fantasy is what allows me to hide the anger, resentment and negativity that otherwise consumes me.

3. The passion that engulfs Scorpios is like an addiction. It is an addiction.

I've often wondered why I get so addicted to whatever it is I find that pulls me away from reality. Ultimately, I know we create our own reality. Yoga, as well as many self help books I read as a teen and young adult, and my Jewish faith has reminded of this truth time and time again. I can only feel consumed by anger and resentment if I allow myself to. I am only down on my self or life or all that feels wrong if I focus on those things and allow myself to feel down. Despite knowing this, there's that side of me that is passionately pulled by truth, so to not feel these things seems like I'm lying to myself. Because the fact is, I'm not happy. It's that simple.

I realized the man I have loved for what feels like forever was hiding his addiction too late. I was already overtaken by the passionate idea that fate reunited us and our paths crossed once again because the universe was screaming, this is the way it was meant to be, you silly girl. Don't ignore it or walk away again. Over the years, I have watched this man I knew in college, who was wild and crazy and loved me like no one else in the world existed, slip into a version of the man I knew he could become. I also always knew he could have just as easily morphed into a different man, if only he cared enough about himself to become that person. It's heart wrenching to watch and even more grueling to accept this reality when you love someone.

So, I'm back to submerging myself in the fantasy world of supernatural beings and magic and well, stories of the kind of love that takes your breath away. I become obsessed with, addicted to, stories that describe the passion that can surround two people so completely that the drama, trials and tribulations and darkness that undoubtedly lives in this world seems like daisies and rainbows as long as they have each other. Many times, a long time ago, our love felt like this. Despite not keeping in touch very often, if at all, for a couple years, that love I once knew was part of the pull that told me many times, before I finally listened, to call off a wedding to someone I was never meant to marry but rather I had simply lost myself in the idea. That love saved me from a very different path I was on. Yet, that love that pulled me back to my path seems to have gotten stuck back in that other life I once knew.

Facing my current reality is not something I can emotionally tackle. I've reached a point that I have too much anger to cry. Even when a "normal" feeling person would and "should", I find myself stoic, at least to the sadness. The anger is something I'm quite able to express. Lately though, I get this overwhelming need to cry. Often many times each day. Yet I still can't. Sometimes I think I can't because if I let myself, I won't ever stop. Every regret, every ounce of anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, grief will seep through and because there is just SO much of it now, how could I ever stop? There's just no time for tears. While I feel it's important that my kids learn that tears aren't a bad thing, I also don't want them to think I'm always sad. I don't want them to know I'm always sad. I want them to be happy. So, I fake it. The best I can anyway. It seems, based on some of the recent "compliments" I've received, I'm doing pretty well at faking my positive, content and uplifting vibes onto the world.

Based on what I know about, be the change you wish to see in the world or be the light you wish to fill the world with, as I like to picture it, the fact that I'm able to do this so well would imply that I would start to feel that light within. It's been quite some time now, over a year since I started my yoga teacher training anyway, which is when I was able to hone in more clearly on pushing that light outward, yet I still can't seem to feel it within me. Maybe I just won't allow it in because it seems every time I feel a glimmer of it, I taste the bitterness of another lie, another letdown and the hope once again fades.

This makes me wonder. Is it my brooding, serious Scorpio side that prevents me from absorbing the very energy of light and love and contentment I can exude? If others actions can't control how I feel, then it must be me, right? Is it the side of me that screams, be careful not to scorn me or you will feel my inability, or lack of desire, to forgive and forget, forever? And thus, I hold on to that feeling of being scorn, over and over, and allow it to consume me. Is it possible for a person to change their essence? I do believe everyone has both darkness and light within them. Despite my paranormal fantasy books being just that, fantasy, there is a great deal of truth to them. That is one of the truth's I certainly believe.

My addiction to these fantasies is clearly a representation of what I crave the most in my reality. My inability to put one of these fantasy books down once I start is part of my personality that desires a passionate life. A life of meaning beyond what mere words can describe, a life of love that means something, of trust that has no limits. My Scorpio side that feels everything to the umpteeth degree tells me to keep reading because my reality is too painful. To truly face real life and accept it for what it is, at this moment, would mean I have to let those tears escape. To do that would mean not knowing when or how to stop them. So, my overly practical, I am strong enough to face anything side, runs in the opposite direction, leaving my own light and darkness to battle it out inside as I show the outside that all is calm.

Right now I simply know no other way. Meditation forces me to accept things I don't want to. Playing with my kids reminds me that I must make very difficult decisions that will impact their lives forever, and I am beyond terrified of making the wrong decision for them. Practicing yoga feels selfish, as well as being a road towards accepting reality. But teaching it allows me to "fake" my reality, my light. It's all very ironic, really. The one thing I desire most in life is trust. Passionate and irrevocable trust. And here I am forcing myself to pretend. To lie to myself. To lie to all those who see something around me and within me that I simply do not feel. As always, it seems we've come full circle.

As fate would have it, I started another one of my vampire books today
and this quote started the second chapter.

 

Breath of Patience and Peace

I've been writing to you all a TON. What, you haven't seen any of it? Oh, right, it's all still in my head! Have no fear though. I am keeping to my do more of the things I need to stay grounded, happy and healthy New Year goal. My sankalpa assignment, if you will.

I made it to a yoga class at my old studio in PA while there for the big event. My brother in law was married and our sweet princess looked like a real princess as one of the flower girls. Even the hubs cleaned up nicely as a groomsman.

               My real life princess!! 

Also while there, and since, I've read more nights than not, I've played with the kids, actually played, I've worked in the garden and yard a bit, cooked more and as a result of all this, or at least I'm taking it as a cause/effect, I've noticed I've been sleeping more soundly. Which is practically a miracle in my world. Though I'm still tired most days, after years of restless sleep and waking more times than I can count, I think feeling refreshed when I wake will take quite some time. And a good body detox!

That is one thing I'm still procrastinating. I keep saying I'll do it, I'll start cutting back on sugar tomorrow, or Saturday, or.... then that damn ice cream isle at the grocery store just sucks me in and I find myself standing in front of the cookie carmel crunch gelato I've become obsessed with and well, that's all she wrote with the well intentioned thoughts of a cleansing. So I go home and juice to try to make myself feel better. For those of you who are not familiar with some clean eating lingo, no, I'm not taking steroids! I put fresh organic fruits and veggies in my juicer and make some yummy, healthy concoctions... thus, I juice.

But, enough of all that. I actually have a free morning with nothing to do except buy the hubs some more hair pomade so let's get to some more of what I've been writing to you these past weeks out of my head. 

A lot it has focused around introspection (shocker) and analyzing my yoga career. As I gain momentum with building up new classes and picking up classes to teach here and there, I've found myself practicing less. Which sucks. And I need to figure that one out still. 

I've also found that some classes can really test my patience. I find this oddly ironic considering I chose to switch gears a bit in the way I help others to get away from situations that would bring up feelings I consider negative, or that I would prefer to steer clear of in my life. As such, I needed to contemplate why such emotions are stirring in me at times.

What I've decided is the one class that tests my patience the most is meant to be a part of my life. I can't fly off the handle after directing someone to put their right foot forward for a warrior 1 three, four, five times as they do everything with their body BUT put their right foot forward. I must maintain my calm, peaceful demeanor and PATIENCE! After all, I'm there to help them, to guide them towards their own inner peace through the movement and breath that yoga can offer. And clearly, anyone whose mind is that preoccupied that they can't follow a one step direction or who is so out of touch with their own body awareness that they can't find their right foot and place it in front of their body, NEEDS my help. And I need this sort of test each week.

I continue to struggle with yelling in the home, at my kids. Sometimes they need to be yelled at, they can be quite naughty and don't hear anyone until the octave is louder than them. But, I don't want this. I want a yell free home! A calm home. A peaceful home. Or, as peaceful as a home can possibly be with 2 young kids and 2 fur children. It's so difficult to break habits, as we all know well, so practicing such patience AT home is more challenging. And that's where my reframe came in as I was debating dropping this yoga class that tests my patience and at times I even dread going to teach.

The thing is, I have a couple of yoginis in that class that have so much potential to really benefit from all yoga has to offer anyone willing to learn. I look at them and think back to my days of practicing yoga in a gym setting and how much I thought I knew because I was good at the poses and smiling as I realize I knew nothing about yoga back then! Well, I knew it made me feel good. I'd love to offer them this knowledge but I've found it's best to allow yoga to develop slowly for each person. Everyone's practice must develop at their own pace and ability to accept it into their lives. Because in the end, yoga will change your life. Everyone needs to ready, or willing, to accept a life change, no matter what that change is, for it to be meaningful and lasting. To truly practice yoga, it's not possible to stay where you are now. Heck, to live life that's not possible! But that's too philosophical. I'm just talking about   patience here. 

Yoga is a lifelong journey. So, I feel it's my duty to keep going. To keep pushing my students who I can see have that aura about them that desires to soak it all in. To let the energy that is yoga sustain them each week. I keep going to help the one who needs me. The one who needs to find some peace. Because perhaps once this person finds some peace through their breath, they will find their right foot when it's time to bring it forward. And that is why I teach to begin with.

Though, in truth, I've decided to keep teaching this class as much for me as for each of them. The only way I can stay on my own path of peace is to stay focused on my breath. And Lord knows, I need my breath to guide me gently and calmly through this blessing of a class that has found me!

Namaste my friends.

Age is Just a Number, Right?

I always wanted to be one of those people who aged gracefully. A person who took each year as an exciting new adventure; a gift. Though I'm not exactly surprised, I am having a bit of a hard time accepting that I'm getting older. Like most things in my life, I am a bit of a control freak and lack the innate ability to just, go with the flow. I have an awesome yoga shirt that dons this phrase. But it's more of a reminder for myself than a proclamation to others of how I actually live.

This whole, woe is me; it sucks to get old, thing came about because of that wonderful technology we know and love as, FaceTime. I used to think it would be so cool to be able to see the person you're talking to on the phone back when JEM was decades ahead of her time. That's the right 80's cartoon, right? Either way, all I could think as I talked to my husband all the way on the other side of the world was, man, is THAT really what I look like?! I look so homely and OLD. I look old. I used to be so photogenic! What the heck happened? What are all those lines on my face? When did they appear?

Now, the husband wasn't looking all that great himself, but it was 6am and he had just rolled out of bed...in China. I think he gets a pass. To make myself feel the tiniest bit better about my looming birthday in 6 weeks, 6pm isn't exactly my prime either as I race around the kitchen feeding the dogs and dodging food that the kids decide they don't like even though 5 minutes prior they were jumping up and down screaming for it, all while trying to think of something I feel like eating so I have enough energy to make it through the nighttime stretch of baths and the torturous bedtime "routine". No, I'm not this crazed every night but like I said, my husband is 1/2 way around the world and the "single-parenting" thing is NOT my forte! I am in constant awe of how my mom did it or how any single parent does it, especially with little ones, all on their own, ALL the time. Truly amazing. And here I am all bummed about getting older! So lame. And I just used the word "lame"! What decade is that from anyway?! Good grief.

I'm off topic though. Lame or not, this is about me! Me looking old to be exact. I can't lie. It gets me a bit down. No reason not to admit it just because there are real issues going on in the world and getting older is one of a very few things that is inevitable in life. Sure, lots of people try to fight it with creams and surgery and who knows what else some people are choosing to inject into their bodies. But in the end, we all get old... and eventually, we all die. It is what it is. It's life. We can't change it, so why not just accept it. Embrace it.

This is where my brain battles itself with being that person who embraces it and goes with the flow, because logically there's really no other way to live, and the person who looks in the mirror and contemplates buying hair dye, starting to wear make up, or maybe at least doing my hair each day and then notices the calendar and that looming birthday and then pouts about it all. To be clear... I'm only going to be 36. I know, "I'm a baby". But for some reason 36 feels like 40 to me. Probably because it tips me on to the side of being closer to 40 than 30. And 40 feels old, even though I know it's not. Not even close.

I can't help but remember my mom's big 40th bash. I came home from college with a few friends to celebrate. She has a Halloween birthday so it was a costume party, and truly a great time. I was 20! Yes, she was a young mom and I didn't have my first baby until 31, but still, it's difficult to look at my babies and realize that will be my big bash in just a handful of years and to picture this memory of my mom turning 40. And, yes, yes I know 50 is the new 40; 60 the new 50, blah, blah... but with each new pain, each new line, each new gray hair, I think, that's a bunch of BS! I FEEL old. And if I feel old now, how the heck am I going to feel at 70?

Many people still comment on how young I look. Yet, I rarely get carded anymore. Aren't you supposed to look at least 35 to not be carded? I know I AM 35, but if I look "young", I imagine my 20's. So card me, dammit! Ironically, I used to get rather annoyed when I'd have to break out my ID all the time. I even licked and stuck my license to my forehead in Vegas while celebrating my 23rd birthday because I was getting stopped every couple steps I took. Yes, I just cringed at the thought of licking my license. It was funny at the time.

They say you're only as old as you act and perhaps that's the problem. I feel like I went from this wild child in college, and even a bit beyond, to this ultra responsible, worrying, no fun, I need to be in bed by 10:30 or I'm going to be a grump tomorrow, old lady! There are many reasons for this and I can analyze the why of it all until the cows come home but the reality is, I get mad when my husband says I'm no fun because the truth is, I'm really not. I worry so much about my kids and all the awful things that could happen but statistically are very unlikely or how I'm going to screw them up or how to protect them from the infinite ways life can strip them of their innocence and glory days of childhood too young that I have forgotten to be me. I've forgotten how to have fun. I get so hung up on cleaning the dishes after each meal and errands or what to cook and doctor appointments and taking care of the dogs, who really need walked and more attention, and trying to vacuum all the dog hair and crumbs from the floor and changing diapers or wiping butts and doing laundry, forget about actually folding it... that not only have I forgotten to be me and how to have fun as a grown up but I forget to actually HAVE fun and play with my kids! No wonder I feel old. Playing is the one thing that keeps you young. As my kids would say, silly me.

Dancing with them and running around and just being goofy. Letting them get messy with painting or bubbles or even just water... I simply forget, or avoid it all together because I see it as extra work, or one more thing I have to do. And frankly, I'm just too tired to add anything else to the never ending to-do list. Worse, I get mad at them if they do one of these things that is so much fun and it makes more of a mess for me. So instead of embracing it...I zone out. I check email or facebook or run another errand and at night just veg out looking something up online or watching some stupid tv show. I don't do the things I really want to do like my home yoga practice, read, write... I forget to be me. In place of being me, I just sit and get old. Then I wonder why I feel old. And I see myself on FaceTime and wonder when I started to look old. And then I pout about it.

And now I sit here and wonder how I can change this cycle and get back to being me. To having fun. To continue my never ending challenge of letting go and simply LIVING. Enjoying life. I know ME is a 180 from the me I think of 10, even 5 years ago, but I still miss and need her. My family needs her. I don't need the wild me, just a little fun to keep me young. All it takes is changing something to break the cycle. Any cycle. Maybe coming here tonight is that something, since each night comes and I tend to say, oh, I'll write tomorrow... Though I have a feeling I need more. Something I can do each day, something that will form a more lasting change. I need a sankalpa assignment! I loved the one I did during my yoga teacher training. Perhaps it's time I return to that place that made me happy and free and find myself again. Not perhaps. It is time. I has to be. Otherwise, I'm going to actually BE old one day and regret not living!

This Old House

I can't count how many times I've posted a status saying something along the line of, I hate old houses, don't buy an old house, old houses are money pits....

Well, a year and a half in and the hits just keep on coming. It turns out my theory that I'm allergic to our house based on my bout of hives for a month that popped up 5 days after moving, followed by a progression of pains that became chronic and then funky nerve things happening and all sorts of allergy issues and difficulty breathing, more so than normal.... is probably true. The various water issues we continue to encounter seem never ending and many of my symptoms indicate something having to do with inflammation from allergies or toxins, like oh say, MOLD.

We've been fairly lucky with our constant calls to the home warranty people and the various leaks and breaks being covered... until now. The water in the garage that we've been trying to determine the source of is a footer drain issue, which is outside the foundation. Thus, no one will cover it. The 1st quote we got sent me straight to the coffee shop to drown my sorrows over an iced vanilla latte and oatmeal cherry white chocolate chip cookie. Sounds incredible, huh? It is, or I should say was, as I gobbled that right up. And here you were just reading about all the water issues and thinking, glad I'm not her!

Anyway, all I can think is, at the rate I'm currently working, I'd have to teach yoga for an entire year to pay for this. I can't just go and spend the money I'm making frivolously on things to make this old house somewhere I want to enter each day, or on coffee or cupcakes or yoga gear or whatever my heart desires. This is a big chunk of our savings to fix this issue at a house my husband thinks we won't be in for much more than another year. But it needs fixed. I can't live in pain and keep spending all this money on chiropractors and massages and doctors to treat my symptoms which will just keep coming back as long as the reason for the problem surrounds me day and night!

As you can see, I'm in a bit of a catch 22. Allergic to my house. Not planning to live here forever. A small fortune to remedy the water issue that SEEMS to be causing my recurring inflammation and thus pain... More of just a craptastic situation. I think my biggest concern is we fix it and alleviate the water problems but my pain remains.

I get very frustrated with myself when I stress over money things. Especially when spending the money could improve our health! But mainly because I know darn well that money is meaningless in the grand scheme of life. But man, I'm not going to lie, it sure as heck helps! Feeling comfortable and secure in the event of something unexpected like a major health issue or loss of a job is something many take for granted when they have it, while many others stress over not having that savings should something ever happen.

So, I try. I try desperately not to care what the bank account says or all the things around this old house I dream of fixing or updating. I have a roof over my head. I'm warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I have clean, running water and appliances that wash my clothes and keep my food from spoiling. That's so much more than what so many have and it's something countless people dream of. I feel like a greedy, selfish American when I start to feel this way.

What to do, what to do... as I search for my reframe or my positive as I think about this money pit of an old house we got ourselves into. Well, here goes.

One: I always loved the character of old homes. I can't stand those cookie cutter neighborhoods where every house looks the same. We were just unfortunate that the people who lived here before us didn't keep up with the maintenance an old home requires. And I was distraught over the loss of my Pap just a couple days before seeing the house so I missed a ton of things I probably should have seen. We also felt we were in a rush to find something as my husband was being relocated in just a couple months.

Lesson learned. Renting and waiting for the right home is perfectly okay!!

Two: We've come a long way! Especially in the past couple months. The yard looks pretty now rather than something I would cringe to look at. I no longer feel embarrassed when people come over. Yes, it was that bad. We pulled all the plants out after my allergy issues in case it was something planted around the house that caused it. Then, we did nothing. So, there were a couple things here and there and big mud holes.

1/2 of the front. There's even a dwarf peach tree by the kitchen window over there!!

 

Our basement is newly refinished due to a pipe break flooding it and now I'm not grossed out to walk down there! I am even working on creating my own little yoga space where I can go for some semi quiet to practice and meditate at home. Now, that's bliss!

We did a few updates to the kitchen and one bath and we finally have grown up bedroom furniture!! So exciting, I know. Seriously though, I have such difficulty sleeping and am convinced that the ambiance of your bedroom is really important in helping to facilitate a good nights sleep. I couldn't stand our room. Now, it's slowly coming together and gaining that peaceful feel I desired. The best part of this is my recent vision turned reality in just a weeks time!!

I always wanted a window seat as a kid. As I got older I still loved all those Pottery Barn pictures and HGTV projects of old homes with beautiful window seats that seemed so relaxing to just sit and read or write at. As it turns out, we have a cape cod style house and dormer windows in each bedroom. As my would have it, no window seats in any of the rooms! Enter my vision.

I didn't want to spend a lot of money and I also LOVE built in anything. Bookshelves, corner cabinets in the dining room... both of which this old house has. But mostly, those built in window seats with storage space under them. Just love them. In my hunt for a piece of furniture that would fit in our dormer I came across a picture on some website where they bought an old dresser at a thrift store and cut it, added a top and a few other things I didn't quite follow as far as construction goes but they made it sound so simple and they turned it into a window seat! PERFECT, I thought. We had a dresser in that area before buying our new furniture. I still had that dresser. And another for the extra wood we would need to fill in the frame. I told my husband my idea and he shook his head and said it wasn't possible.

Never tell a dreamer something isn't possible!! Especially when that dreamer's step dad will be in town in a few days and said step dad an build anything! I gave my mom a brief description of my idea and my step dad came with all sorts of saws and tools and his ability to see my vision.

The next day... it came to life! Best part is it's made out of our recycled dressers, just like I envisioned!

My childhood dream of a princess like window seat was all mine in just a handful of hours and $20 for the oak top we bought. Now that is definitely a perk of this old house! That's my reframe. My positive. My smile when my heart starts to race and the anxiety builds to an overflow point over the endless needs this home puts on us.

Anyway, I still plan to make a cushion to go on it. And because I put the drawers in for this pic I found paint under the handle was not dry and dripped down the nice smooth front of the top drawer. It's oil based paint and a pain to work with so eventually I'll need to fix that. But hey, in this old house.... it's ALWAYS something! At least I now have the soothing ambiance of my little cubby area where I can hide away and read or write during those precious free moments I get or during a bout of insomnia. Granted, since I love my bedroom now, I've been sleeping much better!

As always, if you look, you can always find the beauty in something. Or the joy, the hope, the smile. It takes work. For me anyway. But I keep trying, because life is too short to always be stressed and feeling blue. Often times, it's the simple things that I find bring me the most happiness. Funny how that works, huh?

Who Am I and Who Are You? Yes, You!

I have another post in the works but since I was tagged by the wonderful and funny momma, Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here, with this light and lively Who am I? Who are You? I thought I'd play along first. This is a little game recently brought back to life by some pretty awesome bloggers like My Daily Jenn-ism and Menopausal Mother and more if you check them out and then simply follow the yellow brick road. It seems some smart lady blogger condensed the old version a bit, or I probably would have passed  on this. Let's face it, answering 45 questions about myself for free and not in relation to health care is CRAAAZY talk in my busy world. Heck, even in relation to health care it's crazy talk.

So anyway, if I ever write a book like every other mom blogger in the world is doing, here's my personal bio for the last page where you read all that stuff about the author!

1. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Pittsburgh, PA. About 10 minutes south of the city. And yes, like every other person from the Burgh I was born and bred a Steeler fan, which is a birthright passed down maternally. My Philly bred, Eagles fan husband has no say. See ...

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE?
I was. Or so the story goes....After my dad got kicked out of the delivery room for threatening the doctor because my mom had been in labor FOREVER, he left and was watching Charlie's Angels. My mom was convinced I was a boy. Even after finally having a c-section and coming around she said I wasn't her baby because she had a boy! I was supposed to be Justin Mathew. Anyway, my dad came up with Jaclyn after Jaclyn Smith. Marie is after my mom's late Aunt Marilyn. (It's a Jewish  tradition to name your children after those who have died...like in many other cultures)

And so it was... Justin Mathew turned out to be Jaclyn Marie!

3. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
I have 2 beautiful PITA's. PITA #1 is my 3 year old daughter and #2, my son, will be 2 in a few days! I'm not ready for my baby to not be a baby anymore! I also had two for sure miscarriages and another very early one, though the doctor thought it was a false pregnancy, I know my body well enough, I was pregnant, even if just for a couple weeks.

4. HOW MANY PETS DO YOU HAVE?
One dog who is king PITA of the house! Well, aside from the husband of course. I have a boxer who will be 9 in May. He's had issues since I got him as an adorable pup. He's on Prozac. Yes, Prozac. It helps. He's nuts, but he's my nut

And, since starting this post I received word that we were approved to adopt this sweet girl, Nellie!

Should have her in about 10 days. I'm very nervous to make the leap to two doggy's but I figure it's a better move than a 3rd baby!






5. YOUR WORST INJURY?
I don't get hurt. Really. No broken bones or stitches...ever. (knock on wood, right ?!) I would get sprains as a kid and act like I broke my ankle! If I skinned my knee I wouldn't bend it to walk for weeks! Seriously. Having a baby puts pain in a whole new perspective. But injury, nothing to note.

6. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Nope, not really. Nothing like this anyway!

 

I am good at things like yoga. Sometimes I can surprise myself with my creativity or thinking outside the box, like making a homemade kite out of paper and pom poms because we were out of string and the kids up and decided they wanted to go fly kites... and it was raining. Things like that. But I am in NO WAY talented in the artsy arena. So again, nothing special to note in the talent department. I feel boring.

 

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING TO BAKE?

Probably muffins. I like muffins. Homemade of course. That's not sarcasm. I have issues with premade cake and muffin mixes. Mainly because I use whole wheat flour, honey and applesauce instead of sugar and oils when I bake. 

 

8. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
I loathe fast food. I work extra hard to eat healthy. As healthy as I can anyway. I'm not perfect by any means. I eat fast food if it's the most convenient, like when on the road, but I don't like it and feel crappy after. I also grew up on fast food so I have some fast food issues!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I used to want to. Not so much anymore. I have more of a fear of heights than I thought I did.

10. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their aura. It's the yogi in me, what can I say? I have this feeling when I meet fake people. I get an uneasy feeling and well, I just don't enjoy being in their energy space. I notice if people make eye contact too. Mainly because I've been doing a rather crappy job at the whole eye contact thing since having kids. I tend to keep my eyes on them at all times and forget I'm talking to someone and should probably look at them from time to time. Reasonable enough. But since I got so used to that, I realized I do it even when my kids aren't with me!

11. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
I cut an onion today and the tears were pouring out!
Seriously, I have a hard time crying. College peeps would LOL if they read that but for many years now, it's true. An honest to God good cry, it's been a long time. Can't recall even. I cried at my Pap's bedside and after he passed and a couple times after thinking of him. I tear up about once a month but no real tears. TO be honest, it sort of sucks. A good cry is good for the soul.

12. ANY CURRENT WORRIES?
Um, I'm a mom. Nuff said.

13. NAME 3 DRINKS THAT YOU DRINK REGULARLY?
Water, Coffee, Wine. In that order.
Though I don't drink nearly enough water and it's always a goal of mine. Yes, I stress over my lack of water consumption. And when I say coffee, I tend to go for for the latte sort, so I guess technically I drink more milk than wine.

14. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?

Team Edward!

When I find a good book, or I should say a book I like, I can't put it down. I tend to procrastinate starting a book for many reasons and excuses. I've been in a book rut lately, with MANY on my to-read list. That said, I like easy reads. I LOVE the Harry Potter series and Twilight, Hunger Games and Girl trilogies. I mean LOVE in that I get completely obsessed with them. I ignore my kids, housework, everything... even have the book in front of me while I cook, eat and use the potty. I would put them down to shower and drive, though considered getting them on CD for those purposes.

Recently I loved reading How Yoga Works during my teacher training. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Enjoyed a number of the classics like The Catcher in the Rye and also have yet to read many of them too, like Withering Heights. No, I've never read it. Nope, not lying.

15. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE A PIRATE?
Not really. I'm not into stealing. Though Izzy and Jake are pretty cool. They are the good pirates. And seriously, what girl wouldn't love to be stuck on a ship with Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Certainly not this one! But other than that, nope, a pirate's life is not for me. (Yes, I sang that in my head)

16. FAVORITE SMELLS?

Buy from me!

Young Living Peace and Calming oil.

Yes, the picture is a shameless plug for you to buy some oils from me! Message me if interested :)




Love lilac! Would love a lilac bush around the house somewhere.
Old school cologne, like Dakar and Polo. Reminds me of high school crushes and my husband in college. I'm sure people still wear these, I'm sure we have Polo around the house somewhere, but it's more the nostalgia.

17. WHY DO YOU BLOG?
To keep my self talk from driving me completely insane and to connect with others who are going through similar experiences. I do this for both support and to hopefully help others through being honest about how I am dealing with this thing called life. Before being a mommy I was a therapist (mental health), so it's in my blood to want to help if I can. I also love how we are all connected in some way and blogging often reminds me of that!

18. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Hmmm. I'll have to come back to this one.

Okay, I thought about it last night and the first thing that came to me was Bob Marley. Anyone who really knows me knows he is my all time fave, though I rarely listen to Bob anymore...or anything other than a top 40ish radio station and kid toons. Recently while working on a playlist for a tot yoga class I was subbing for I realized how much I miss Bob and music in general. I need to put this new iPod to good use and start soothing my soul with some good tunes! So, I think I like this one for my funeral... that's if you do music at a Jewish funeral. I don't think you do for some reason. (click "this one" in case you didn't realize that, to hear my funeral song)

19. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Just one? Not possible.
My anger
My difficulty with letting things go
Right now it's all the pains my body is experiencing for an unidentifiable reason.
I really dislike my acne.Does anyone like acne? It makes me self conscious when it's bad. I prefer to feel confident. I feel silly since I'm 35, not 15. It just sucks.
Battling waves of depression. (the post I was working on before I was tagged to do this)

20. FAVORITE HOBBY?
I don't really have a hobby like stamp collecting or scrap booking. I have made one scrapbook though and it turned out pretty awesome for a first timer, but they are WORK! I'd have to say yoga was my hobby but now it's my career, hopefully. So, I'm not sure it can still be classified as my hobby.
Ooooh, I do have an all girl fantasy football league. I think that can be considered a hobby. If so, that's my favorite.

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A FRIEND?
Loyalty. You don't have to agree with me but even if we agree to disagree, you'd have my back if someone else had something bad to say! Period.

22. NAME SOMETHING YOU'VE DONE THAT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D DO?
Everything I do is with purpose, intent or I believe I was meant to do it... BUT I guess I could say paragliding in Switzerland. It was over a decade ago and I always knew I would travel, though I can't say I imagined it or planned on that at the time.
That's part of why I no longer have a desire to bungee jump, skydive or anything else that involves flying high in the sky. I thought I was going to puke the whole time. Though, it was a pretty view.

23. FAVORITE FUN THINGS TO DO?
Prekid or now?

Kid fun... watching the kids sing and dance. Anything that makes their little faces light up with excitement. Amusement and water parks. Cooking out with family, playing yard games. Prekid and now actually.

Prekid.... Penn State tailgating and games. NOTHING compares to the energy of Beaver Stadium. Nothing.









24. ANY PET PEEVES?
Many. Shall I list them all?
Ignorance is #1. There's no excuse for it. There are endless avenues to learn whatever your heart desires. Or at least whatever you feel a need to comment on. Know about it first!
Wasting food, wasting anything.
When counters are left wet... or sinks and I lean in it.
Tailgating, that's more a road rage thing than a pet peeve. It's so unsafe people, geesh!
When my husband makes a comment but I know he wants to say something else.
Oh, I could write a whole post of pet peeves. I'll stop here.

25. WHAT'S THE LAST THING THAT MADE YOU LAUGH?
My kids. Everyday. Many times each day. I could share a few videos but if you read this long, well, I'm impressed and I won't force you to watch my short home video clips!

Stupid Facebook posts tend to make me chuckle quite often too. Actually, since it took me 3 days to do this post, this is what made me giggle last night. Not sure why, but it did.

And that's all she wrote folks! Geesh, I should have stuck with my more serious one! This took FOREVER.

Most of the bloggers I thought of tagging were already tagged. The rest...I don't know well enough or have won all sorts of awards and really know what they are doing with this blogging thing so I feel silly.....
Here's a couple I like who I follow on Facebook but I don't know them all that well. I've been bad at keeping up with anyone's blogs lately. Time, time, time... there's never enough of it! So, maybe they'll play along, maybe not. You should check them out either way. I think you'll like them!

Modern Mama Dramas
Mommy Unmuted
SooperDad Blog of Awesomeness (I love dad blogs!)

My followers can feel free to comment by answering their favorite question too! If you so desire.

Namaste and Good Night!! I'm so happy to be done with this post!

Take A Compliment

I've been wanting to write for a good week but couldn't find the time. Nothing new there really. All my chatter was getting a bit obsessive though, and it wasn't the good kind of obsessiveness. I wasn't growing or learning. Mostly I was frustrated over some things people were posting on facebook and then I wouldn't be able to get the things out of my head. As you know, I'm often stuck with my facebook app as my main form of adult "communication" during my day. Mostly it keeps me sane by keeping me connected to old friends and people over the age of 3. Though sometimes it drives me a bit insane when some of those people act more like my 3 year old. I refrained from commenting on these things that stuck with me, which is probably why my selftalk bolted to the insanity stage. I was prepared to just vent about all this but felt uneasy with that post, so I decided to wait until later.

I didn't see the benefit, other than getting it out of course. And let's face it, sometimes just a plain old bitch fest feels good. But really, who cares?! I wanted it to not bother me more than to bitch about why I was annoyed. As it turns out, I never got around to writing my post. As always, the universe put up a big flashing neon sign tonight with an arrow pointing me towards growth and acceptance, rather than being being stuck and focusing on silly things.

Where did the universe show me this neon sign you might ask? At my yoga teacher graduation ceremony, of course!

Here's the thing, I was nervous for our graduation dinner tonight. Not for why you might think. I was sure we were all actually graduating! I was nervous because our final on Monday was unexpected. I was fully prepared to discuss the 8 limbs and chakras; our modified ashtanga sequence that we taught, modifications to each pose we learned and everything in between. Instead, we were instructed to write a handful of "nice" things about each of our classmates. I say "nice" because I don't remember the exact words used, but essentially I wrote what I appreciated about my classmates and teacher, what I valued and learned from them and quite simply the light I could see shining from each of them. Our instructor collected these compliments and I had a feeling she was going to do something with them for our ceremony. Of course that's what she did. That doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out.

The problem? I don't take compliments well, especially not in public. I mean I really, really feel uncomfortable when people compliment me or tell me all the good things they see in me. I get anxious, fidgety, avoid eye contact and I simply don't know what to do with myself. It's worse than public speaking, or close to it. Which is ironic since I'm about to embark on teaching yoga to groups of people! I also used to do public speaking at high schools after I was in recovery from an eating disorder. I spoke about my experience, for an organization my therapist had founded, hoping to help others towards the path of recovery or to prevent a young girl from developing an eating disorder. I remember liking it, not fearing it. But I was a hot mess for any presentation I had to make or speech class I was forced to take over the years! I think I've become more nervous as time went on too. Which is also ironic since I'm more confident in who I am, more connected spiritually, stronger in character and far more mature. It's one of the many paradoxes of my life!

So, where is all this going? Well, as I was trying very hard to make eye contact with my yoga instructor as she read all these wonderful things she and my classmates thought of me, I had this brilliant idea that all the things she was saying would make a great blog post! What better way to accept these compliments then to really and truly take them on as a part of how I see myself? Sort of like my ever popular I Am post (click link to read)... but a 3.0 version... and through the eyes of others. I thought it might be just what I need to get over this hurdle of fearing public speaking and disliking compliments all in one giant leap. So, here goes... in no particular order, through the eyes of my fellow yogi and yoginis...

I Am....

Faithful, Honest, Hard-working, Maternal, Feisty, Kind Hearted, Thought Provoking, Generous Natured, Gentle of Soul, Lion Hearted and Amazing in Spirit, A Graceful Writer and Way Bringer, A Loving Presence, A Phoenix if Spirit, A Joyful Soul, Beautiful Hearted, A Witty Wisdom Seeker, A Wisdom Sharer, Fearless and Fierce, Balanced, Open to New Experiences and People, Eager to Learn, Inspiring, A Multi-Faceted Gem, A Wowza Yogini, A Strong Woman, A Light to Others and my favorite, F***ing Awesome! I stand up for myself, have a steady voice and a dynamic spirit. I'm most associated with Vrksasana, or tree pose.

Wow....

The symbolism of hearing I am associated with vrksasana is empowering for me. A tree is strong and knows where it stands in this world. It's firmly rooted yet easily sways in the wind and can be rustled by the rain. It shares what the universe has given it with others; oxygen, shade, shelter and food. Yet it's still vulnerable. A tree may fall but others will be planted and grow strong like the last. To me that's a good life. I like seeing myself as a tree.

Hmmm, there's no coincidences!
My blog picture is of tree pose!!

Typing this list was so much more powerful than hearing these compliments or even reading them. I could feel these beautiful attributes that others see in me attaching to who I am with each stroke of the key. I actually felt my body warm; my heart soften. I smiled as I typed them and laughed that after all these years and after how much I've grown, "feisty" was still in that mix! My husband enjoyed that one too.

Seriously though, there's something to be said for this little experiment. I'd encourage others to try it. Everyone receives compliments or praise. Probably more than we think. We may not always listen. Next time someone tells you how awesome you are, try to hear them; to feel it. Maybe write the way others see you in an "I Am" prose. You might just find yourself as full of love and gratitude for the individual you are as I'm feeling now. It's a beautiful thing to compliment yourself. Who woulda thought?!


PS- Thank you to my fellow yogi and yoginis for helping me see the light in myself that I was blind to.    Namaste!

Accepting "Coincidence"

I started a different post the other day. It was one I've been thinking of writing for some time and after my second weekend of studying yoga sutras and meditation something made me think, now's the time. Then, it just wasn't flowing. And I was tired. And I promised a new post. And I really do need to write.

So, here I am. Still tired. Still no post. And my head still full....needing to write...unsure what I have to say. Sometimes those go with it ones turn into the best things a person writes though so here I am.... going with it.

The yoga sutras are intense. Meditation is still challenging. Yoga is so. very. much. more than I ever dreamed of. All in all, I don't think I was fully prepared for what was in store for me when I embarked on this yoga teacher training journey 4 & 1/2 months ago. And all in all, I've learned and grown more from these past months than I have in a very long time. Possibly ever.

I've always been an introspective person. Even at a fairly young age, I knew myself pretty well. I could analyze why I thought things or acted certain ways and usually had pretty clear answers. That doesn't mean I acted on the things I understood about myself, or changed my behaviors. In fact, I went through quite a few years of unhealthy living and plain old stupidity. The typical adolescent/young adult thinking that, oh, that stuff only happens to other people, I can do it and nothing bad will happen to me. I was lucky. Nothing truly awful ever did happen. Though at some point, thankfully, something clicked and I stated living the way I think. Some might say I started to give a shit about myself. I started to respect this life I was given.

I don't always make the best decisions for myself. I question many decisions I do make. I continue to have a tendency to dwell on the past, past "mistakes", as well as worry incessantly about the future, especially the well being of my children. I have fought most of my life to remember to live int he present. To accept what is for simply being what it is. To have faith that each path I take is the path I am supposed to be on because that's what was meant to be.

I never thought that yoga, this physical practice consisting of some cool postures that sometimes seemed physically impossible, yet I was naturally good at them... go figure... would be this vessel that would teach me how to be me. How to truly be me. Yoga was something that gave me an opportunity to get out of the insanity of my head for an hour each week. I felt good after a practice. I felt at peace on my mat. Yoga was something I recommended to everyone because it just seemed like if everyone did yoga, the world would be a bit happier, better, the way it should be. I never dreamed that yoga would teach me the path to accepting. Simply accepting. All that is, all that isn't, all that will be. I never considered that yoga really is the path to repairing the world, an integral part of my Jewish faith.

So, my head is left spinning. Spinning through all these thoughts and beliefs, self reflections and spiritual growth. I've been considering a yoga teacher training program since 2007. I looked into the online ones for simplicity sake and decided if I couldn't do it "for real", meaning go to India and train with a "true" yogi then it just wasn't enough for me. I put it off and reconsidered a couple more times when I was in Lancaster but two babies in three years and a 7 month training program sort of put a wrench in that idea.

So, is it a coincidence that there is only one certified teacher training program in the entire state we now live in... and when I finally sought out a yoga studio to get back into practice that's the only studio I could find near me, despite knowing of a handful of others now... and that she was offering a training program a few months after returning to my mat... and that class almost didn't happen for lack of participants and at the last minute two more yogi's decided to take this journey? All that, when I was desperately missing my spiritual presence due to the lack of a young Jewish community here. I was sinking under the anger of my husband's alcoholism, searching for answers and unsure of where I even wanted my future to go. I thought I was going to learn how to become a yoga teacher which would simply help me stay sane, give me a break from the stay at home mommy gig that some days drives me over the edge, and provide me with a source of income, maybe even a sustainable career should the day ever come when I needed to financially support myself and the kids. That's what I thought I was getting anyway. Turns out, I discovered the path to bliss. Should I fully accept the answers I discover along the way of course... and just let go. So, is all of this merely a coincidence?

Rule #39: There is no such thing as coincidence.

Oh that Jethro Gibbs... he must be a Yogi!

Each choice we make really is meant to be. It may not always lead to happiness. Though, happiness is all relative anyway. What makes one person happy may not be the same for another person, but contentment is within everyone of us. If we search, if we want it, if we accept it once we discover it, it's there waiting for us. My hang up always comes in the acceptance part of things. In making peace with what is. Hey, no one is perfect! I certainly am not. But I won't give up the good fight.

So in a few weeks I'll be a certified yoga instructor. I may not be using my degrees that I spent many years and a ridiculous amount of money on, but I'm still without a doubt on the path I was destined for. I'll be able to help others find their peace, and sanity, through the practice of yoga... an age old solution to the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind. And I get to do all this by simply doing something I love. Now that is a beautiful thing to embrace.

Namaste

Hmmm, Three?

After Caleb was born, I was 99.5% sure he was my last. He would be my baby. Two was quite enough! It was perfect, one hand for each kid, we wouldn't be out numbered, one sibling wouldn't be left out or feel like the black sheep. They would either be best friends or do their own thing. We wouldn't go broke and best of all, no way we'd ever need a mini van!

NO, no, no, I'm NOT pregnant!

But lately, the more I think about my baby turning 2 in two very short months the more I miss it. Not the sleepless nights or screaming. Or trying to figure out what the hell they want and feeling like you're going to rip your hair out. I don't miss the diapers; which I still deal with BUT I've been so excited about the boy's interest in potty training and can see the light at the end of the tunnel with that one! I don't miss the baby food and complete helplessness.... But I miss something.

I have this urge to feel that tiny life growing and doing yoga in my belly. I forget all the pains and exhaustion and overwhelming desire to just get the baby OUT during those last couple months. For a few weeks now those memories are masked by this longing I can't quite describe. Maybe it's the bond, the excitement, knowing our lives are about to change forever. When I used to get antsy like this it just meant it was time for me to move to a new state or make some big change in my life... not have a baby!!

I also realized I miss nursing. To be honest, that sometimes makes me shake my head because in the midst of exclusively breast feeding I feel a bit trapped after awhile. Especially with my son who was not interested in a bottle and I even had to throw out some pumped milk that he refused to drink. The stress over the fluctuations in milk production and weaning and watching what you eat, what medicines you take or when you have a glass of wine can really start to take it's toll. Yet, I think I would extend breast feeding to at least a year and a half, given another chance. Ironic, I know. Maybe I'm just depressed that some men have larger breasts than I do at this point! Whatever it is, I miss it and feel a bit sad with the realization I won't have that type of bond again. Or at least that would be beyond awkward at this point!

I mentioned recently how I've been thinking a lot about how quickly it all goes. How fast children really do grow up. How the problems of refusing to clean up their play room and throwing food, potty training and fighting over who has which truck rapidly become worrying about whether you've taught them well enough to recognize "stranger danger", other dangerous situations and people that would hurt them, or worse. And then praying they fully grasp the dangers of drugs or drinking and driving and (gasp) unprotected sex, and on and on. Maybe I just want to prolong those worries a bit by still having the "easy" worries of a younger child to contend with.

I think about how exciting it would be to NOT find out the gender of this imaginary child. Since we have one of each, it really doesn't matter to me and there are few things in life that can be a true surprise like that. I still have some names I love and would be excited to use. I would love to honor my Pap by naming one of my children after him. Though I would be sad he never had the chance to meet them.

And then... I remember all the reasons why we said we were done! I'm not sure I have those newborn months in me again. While the kids really are getting easier, my patience is shot and it's nice to have this opportunity to rebuild it a bit. Rylie still sleeps in our bed which would cause some issues. Most of all, Craig is no where near in a solid recovery and there's no chance I would have another baby with anything less than a completely sober husband for life.

That may be part of it. Or all of it even. The broken promises and hopes that this time is it, only to find him drunk again after doing so well. This baby urge might be a replacement for my intense desire for my husband to beat this disease and losing hope each time he drinks again. The urge to have a baby is in some ways more tangible for me. I've felt it before, I know that feeling. It gives me a similar sense of happiness and fulfillment, joy, longing even, the same emotions I feel when I think of my husband maintaining his sobriety for life. Or at least a few months. The same emotions I have when I think of what our life could be like, can be like. WILL be like.

It's human nature to want what you "can't" have. This urge may be as simple as that. It also may be my yoga practice that's opening up all these channels for me. Maybe this is simply in the cards. I always said 2 or 3... until we had our first and saw what it can be like. Then we realized not everyone was lying after #2 popped out. Some kids are easy, some not so much. We have one of each, maybe we shouldn't press our luck.

Or maybe I should stop giving all our baby stuff away!

Who knows what's to come. It's the beginning of a new year. So, I guess time will tell if 2013 will be the year to fulfill these urges or desires. And which ones! The duck needs to come before the egg though. In this case anyway. So, I wait to see if Craig can really stay sober this time and I wait to see if this baby urge will simply subside. I'm 35 now so waiting much longer isn't something I'm interested in, but that urge is there and it's only growing stronger.

Remember, I did tell people if we ever lost our minds again and thought something like this might be a good idea for someone to slap us silly. Who wants that honor?



Ooooh, so I don't need 3 hands,
just more coffee?

Happy New Year everyone!

May this year bring you many blessings, much joy and just enough hardship to remind you to be thankful for each day!

Namaste.