Over the past month or so it's gotten to the point that I start to get anxiety as I see the clock inching it's way towards lunch and dinner times. I try to prolong the inevitable need to feed my kids and eventually take a breath and say, maybe this meal they will sit nicely and "eat all before them with smiles and good will", you know, like how the dinosaurs eat, a reminder that sadly never results in the desired impact I intend.
I have tried every trick under the sun to teach proper table manners, seriously, ev-er-y-thing! I spend countless waking hours trying to outwit my 3 and 17 month old at the table and even non-awake hours as my dreams swirl into nightmares of my kids bathing in hummus or cheese sauce. Ironic since this isn't a mere nightmare but our mealtime reality.
Exibit 1:
Text from hubby I get upon leaving yoga a couple nights ago.
Husband: What is wrong with our kids? They are washing their hands in the mac and cheese.
Me: (all innocent) I don't know what's wrong with them. Rylie did eat lunch late today, maybe she's not hungry.
Secretly I had to wait until my laughter subsided before I took to the road because the reality is, and what I wanted to say to his was, umm, duh? That's what they do of course! Every meal, every damn time. It was no coincidence I planned for a mac and cheese night on daddy duty! I'm evil, I know. But if he's going to keep joking that I sit around all day eating bon bons well, he's going to get mac and cheese night.
Ok, so here's the real dilemma. Rylie has some major digestive issues. The number of traditional and homeopathic medicines in play right now is enough to make a nurse with 5 patients head spin. Maybe exaggerating a bit but seriously, it's a lot. I feel like I need one of those old people medicine alarm thingy's to keep it all straight some days. So this sort of puts a damper on some of my behavior therapist bag of tricks I feel comfortable putting into play. And she's keen enough to catch on to that. The minute I take food away for things like opening her peanut butter sandwich and wiping it, peanut butter side down of course, all over the table she is quick to say "all done", even if she hasn't eaten anything. The kid needs to eat, even if I only get a few bites out of her and the rest is used as furniture polish.
We use lots of bribery in our house. And the, if this/then that technique. And it's not necessarily traditional bribery for treats either, though such bribes are certainly a daily feature. But for instance, today she wanted more water in a big girl cup. I informed her she could have it if she ate her bagel. She never got more water. Bribes are only successful about half the time. No matter how much she wants what's on the other side.
I started to realize lately that the two monsters feed off one another, I think it's actually the sweet boy who is the instigator lately. Go figure, my little devil corrupted the angel in a record 17 months time! So, when the cup and plate throwing ensued today during lunch I ignored it, another technique I have tried MANY times to no avail, and simply took Rylie to eat at their play table out of brother bear's line of sight. She started to play, though she did eat some. Brother ate but did throw the parts he didn't want, as always. I guess I could take the optimist side and call this a slight improvement and perhaps consistency with having them eat apart would result in more positive results. On the down side, this means I have two rooms to run between, two spaces further apart to clean up and even less likelihood that I get a chance to eat as a result, which is a rare treat as it is. But I'm trying to be optimistic here, most of the food entered their stomachs rather than every other part of their body and the house. Score one for mommy!
Now, some of you may remember my love/hate relationship with parenting magazines and their oh so perfect and seemingly easy tips to try in situations such as these. Tips they nearly always market as no fail parenting tricks. Yes, well, plates with multiple sections each filled with something different to allow your toddler choices, so they can feel like they are in control, which is all they really want, yes, that fail proof idea simply results in more food choices smashed on the face, in the hair, on the floor and chair and table and places I'm sure I haven't even found yet.
Now that Rylie can communicate there's the fail proof, let her decide tip. Ummmhmmm, today I asked her if she wanted peaches or cantaloupe and she actually responded to my question, a remarkable feat in itself and said she wanted peaches. I even gave her the choice of me cutting a peach for her or the jar peaches. She said she wanted the jar ones. No sooner did I finish my thought of, damn, I'm doing good with today's lunch time... today IS THE DAY we make it through a meal without yelling or throwing things (I mean mommy, btw) did I put her at the table and she said, I want cantaloupe. Seriously? WTF?! Like I said, full out assault on mom's sanity.
Brother bear is getting quite good at communicating what he wants to eat too, yet, even if it's something he wants, once he decides that's enough the dog becomes a happy pup. Some may say, perfect solution! Yeah, um not so much. This in fact adds to my mealtime mania predicament as Apollo has a bad stomach and can't eat people food. He pukes, often. Though it's less since I put his psycho ass on Prozac, it's still always something I have to be conscious of, ensuring he's behind a baby gate or not bothering to beg.
A quick run down if you are desperately racking your brain to help me keep my sanity during these three inescapable times each day I have often contemplated how I can escape without starving the kids. No solutions for that one so since mealtime must occur we have tried ignoring, take away the food being thrown, have them immediately pick up what they throw, giving food choices, multiple options on the plate, rewarding with a treat (not necessarily sweets), losing treat as a possibility and even as a last resort smacked their hand if they throw. Caleb stares and does it again the next time he desires and Rylie laughs at us. Every positive and negative behavior reinforcement technique I can think of or have read has been squandered by my two little darlings.
Craig's solution after the mac and cheese hand washing night he endured....
"Maybe we should start over. Caleb is way better than Rylie, if we just start over the next one is bound to be good." Yes, the husband is a riot.
At least we still can laugh at the insanity!
Now, I know meal time is supposed to be messy, at least a bit, I mean my kids are 3 and 17 months, I'm not naive in that regard. It's just, is it really necessary to pretend you're a dog at meal time? (click to view video. It is from fall or winter so not the best example, not really messy actually, but still, she's eating like a dog!)
Or to smash hummus all over your face? I mean sit there and rub it in like you're applying foundation and lipstick.
Exhibit 2:
Or to grab your hair with hands full of food because your done and mad it's taking too long, a whole 3 seconds) to wipe your hands off?
Exhibit 3:
Yes, I get some of it is this awesome sensory thing and they just can't help themselves! I get that kids aren't exactly vessels of patience but rather vessels designed to test ours every hour of every day...and night. I know, I know! But really, does every kid do this? Every single meal? Or are mine the epitome of those vessels created to test one's patience?
I've seen other kids eat very nicely, food in mouth for the most part, while messy and food may fall on the floor, they aren't pretending their food is hand soap or a new hair conditioner or throwing it everywhere like tonight as they played catch with a hunk of banana. I've SEEN it, many times in fact, even from brother and sister bear above, believe it or not.
We've just had a long bout of the mealtime mania that I'm beginning to worry that this is their norm and I will need to pack them bibs in their lunch boxes until they are too old to carry their lunch. Do kids even still take lunch boxes to school? Either way, as I sit and watch the mania unfold daily, I am convinced that this is it, we'll never have a nice area rug in the dining room! And eating naked will be the only solution to ensuring clothes last longer than one meal.
Perhaps my attempt to have sit down family meals each night, something I never really had growing up and always thought was so cool when I visited a friend's for dinner and they all sat around their table as a family to eat, in retrospect wasn't the best mommy idea ever. Though, at the time I was pretty proud of this parenting decision! Now it seems it will forever be my 1/2 hour (or longer if they are really trying extra hard that day to send mommy to some form of state institution) of catching cups, washing the floor, table and kids until my hands are pruney, yelling, ignoring, retreating to the kitchen for some sort of sugar reinforcements and then forgetting that I actually need to eat something of substance too!
Of course if I do grab something/make something for myself they all of a sudden are insatiably hungry and willing to try damn near anything because it's on my plate. Yet, if it's on my plate while we are all at the table Rylie will turn her nose up to it like I'm trying to feed her rat poison! And I think, everyday... hmmm, that must be how my mom stayed so skinny. She always said by the time she finished feeding me her food was cold and not worth eating. I get it, I sooooo get it.
Sorry Mom! Truly.
K, I better go eat something....
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Namaste!
Jaci