My chatter was writing to you all about the ironies of how I often feel so alone but how I am NEVER, ever alone. I can't even go to the bathroom alone! At least not for the past 3 years. I can't even think of a place I can go to truly be alone now, so how is it that I feel so alone so much of the time?
As an only child to a single mom I was in fact often alone growing up and for the most part I don't really remember minding it all that much. I did always wish I had a brother, which makes me excited that Rylie does, but I don't recall feeling alone so to speak. I felt alone during the middle school years and some of my teen years but seriously, who doesn't during those horribly awkward years?
Breath in and out as you fold forward..... crap, be in the present..... Yeah, not happening. Back to my chatter.
As a young adult and just plain adult I have felt alone a great deal at various times, but no more so than I have since becoming a stay at home mom... which by the way was one of my life dreams; to give my kids something I always wanted. And yet, I feel hopelessly alone so very often. Oh the irony. I love to be around people and every single day I am with the two people who I could just look at for eternity and feel joy just because of their mere existence; two people who I love more than anything in the entire world and yet, I feel alone.
The thing is, though I have often wallowed in this oh, no one really understands me, I'm so alone self pity, I have never truly been alone.
I've had a number of close friends throughout the years who have truly got me, some are still good friends, though far away. With the exception of a couple rough years, my mom and I talk every day and for the most part she knows me better than anyone and really understands where I'm coming from. She has known all my hopes, my dreams, my fears and anxieties since I knew what such emotions were, and she gets it. Then, as I've mentioned before, Craig and I were like to peas in a pod back in the day. While we have our issues now, which often result in much of my I'm so alone self pity days, he gets me too. He does. And I him.
Breath in, plank, chaturanga, breath out, downward dog.
Shit. FOCUS, Jaci! Be in the present. ahhhhhh. I swear I'm trying. No I'm not, I need to get to the bottom of this before the mayhem of home ensues once again so chatter away dear head of mine.
So.... WHY do I feel so alone if I am not in fact alone? I think in part it's a woman thing. Sometimes we are just emotional and have feelings that don't make sense to anyone else but us and well, we need our self pity time to reconnect with who we are outside of all the insanity that is going on around us. It's why I used to write and why I started writing again. The alone part is what drove me to write to you all instead of no one in particular because I figured there's other people out there who feel at least some of the same things I do from time to time and knowing this would help them to feel less alone. And me too. I've been told this is the case. I hope it still is.
I was running out of time to get to the bottom of my loneliness feeling so I did a bit of a fast forward through my life. I realized that while I have always loved my experiences with others and meeting new people, from studying abroad to being a waitress in South Beach and even in my career as a counselor and the amazing clients I worked with over the years, I always chose more solitude things for my own self therapy. If I wasn't getting my own actual therapy that is!
As a child I danced, as I mentioned not very well, but dance is an individual "sport" so to speak. I took up karate in college, which I was much better at thankfully. Yet again, an individual thing no matter how many people you are training with. From there I moved on to yoga, which is VERY individual, to the point you can be in the same class with 5 other people and everyone is doing something different based on where you are with your practice. I began to wonder... maybe I'm choosing to be alone.
Breath in, and out... Oh screw it, my breath is all off and I'm just going through the motions at this point.
Do I really want to be alone?
No. I hate alone. I always have. I choose the individual activities because it's what keeps me centered, focused (well, usually!) and in touch with myself. But the rest of the time I would really prefer to have meaningful interactions with other people, all the time actually. And while facebook has provided with an opportunity to stay connected when I have become more shut off from others than ever before, it's just not enough. I mean, I don't even have my Starbucks anymore! And though the coffee is good and the cupcakes are out of this world at my new I'm going to get a coffee because it makes me feel good place, it doesn't exactly make me feel good. In fact, many of the people aren't even friendly and there's often no parking but I crave being around people so much that I go anyway. I know, a bit pathetic! And colossal waste of money.
BUT, I don't think any of this is the issue. Not the real issue anyway. The issue is my faith. Deep down I think I never completely felt alone in life, except for a few times, is because I always had God to talk to. And for some time now I have lost that connection that just a few years ago was as strong as ever. I've forgotten how to pray, not that I ever really figured it out, but at least I used to try. I may have mentioned that I don't like either Temple here so I have avoided really getting involved or going to services. This disconnect is my true source of loneliness and longing. I miss God.
I know God never leaves a person who believes but even though I believe this, it still feels that way a bit. Like my partner in crime is missing, a piece of me, the piece that is always understanding and accepting and helps me find what I'm looking for. Now, I know some of you will say during these difficult times that God hasn't gone away but been carrying me and my burdens until I no longer feel alone and that then, and only then will I realize God was there all along and I was never alone to begin with. I know you'll say that. After all, it was the case every other time I thought I was alone and it was just a few breaths ago that I realized I never was actually then either.
While I think the poem Footprints In the Sand is Christian based it always felt pretty universal for anyone who believed in God and to be honest, I always found it quite beautiful. Plus, I'm not quite sure of a Jewish version that's equivalent so, I'll beat you too it and just tell myself now, God is still here, always has been and always will be. And I'll try my best to believe it too. Though, you can still tell me if you want. Reminders never hurt anyone!
Get comfortable and begin to move into savasana, return to your breath, as your thoughts come, let them go.... Yes, I giggled a bit upon hearing this as I got into the final pose of the evening. And thought, whew, I got to the bottom of my alone dilemma, maybe I can get a quick nap in during the final relaxation! Oh yoga, how I love you. So many ways you can help!
I guess the basic hatha yoga class I got stuck with this week didn't turn out to be a total bust after all, huh? Good thing I like those individual activities to give me an hour "alone" to sort through all my chatter, or I'd still be sitting here feeling all.... alone.
If you've been keeping up on here this has been a bit of a two step forward one step back sort of self battle lately. If you're feeling alone or struggling with your faith and just having woe is me sort of day, let us know. Maybe it'll help!
Night all :)
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Namaste!
Jaci