I've been on one of my obsessive romantic sci fi binges lately. So much so I've barely been on
facebook, one of my few connections with the outside world, I haven't written which helps me stay sane, have done the bare minimum around home and I even stayed up late all week, thus resulting in less sleep. I think we all know that means this. is. serious!
This time the binge was on aliens. Teenage alien hybrids to be exact. Though vampires (and werewolves) and wizards and make believe creatures from other worlds, and even humans in the future have all been a part of my obsessions in the past. When I get so engrossed and almost feel like I'm unable to focus on anything else but some fantasy world in a book or on screen, my therapist side of me often does some major introspection as I ask myself... WHY?.
My mind not only becomes engulfed with the characters and stories of whichever sci fi tale has caught a hold of me this time but my self talk also goes into overload trying to figure out what's going on in my life at this moment to bring me back to this place. This place of fantasy, this place of magical powers, this place where the kind of love I'm reading about or watching only seems to be real from another's imagination, to imaginary worlds I have wished I lived at times. These worlds are far from perfect, someones life is nearly always in peril, there's war and hate and drama of epic proportions. Basically it's a lot like some of the most scary parts of real life. Yet, somehow these fantasy worlds always seem better in some way, better than real life.
WHY?
This time the binge was on aliens. Teenage alien hybrids to be exact. Though vampires (and werewolves) and wizards and make believe creatures from other worlds, and even humans in the future have all been a part of my obsessions in the past. When I get so engrossed and almost feel like I'm unable to focus on anything else but some fantasy world in a book or on screen, my therapist side of me often does some major introspection as I ask myself... WHY?.
My mind not only becomes engulfed with the characters and stories of whichever sci fi tale has caught a hold of me this time but my self talk also goes into overload trying to figure out what's going on in my life at this moment to bring me back to this place. This place of fantasy, this place of magical powers, this place where the kind of love I'm reading about or watching only seems to be real from another's imagination, to imaginary worlds I have wished I lived at times. These worlds are far from perfect, someones life is nearly always in peril, there's war and hate and drama of epic proportions. Basically it's a lot like some of the most scary parts of real life. Yet, somehow these fantasy worlds always seem better in some way, better than real life.
WHY?
I always come back to the same conclusions. I've always dreamed of a world like these places. In some ways but not all. I've always dreamed of the happy ending most of them have. I've always dreamed of love like Cinderella, I've always dreamed and searched for something else than what I have, a magical, unique life, one I can look back on when I'm 80 and smile and think, wow, now that was some ride! I've never really been satisfied with what I have or living in the here and now. I've always wanted.... more. Always. Once I get the things I want, or the things I think I want, my mind moves on to what else I'm missing, what else I need to feel whole.
I think this is why I get so caught up. It gives me an outlet, it lets me live in this dream world I've also created in my head, which probably originated from the world of Disney and all the movies growing up teaching me that such a life could in fact exist. But I can't exactly blame Walt for my obsessive romantic sci fi binges because the truth is, it's me. It's always been me and my own insecurities, questioning myself, my choices, the paths I've chosen. It's my inability to trust myself.
I often tell Craig how difficult it is to love someone who doesn't love themselves. I've preached many times how a person needs to accept who they are and love who they are to find true fulfillment in life; that no one and nothing can give a person what such fulfillment except themselves. I realize that the same goes for trust. If you don't trust yourself you can't possibly trust others, nor can they trust you. Everything in life starts with us.
If I'm not for myself, who am I? Right?
I've always looked for signs, the right path to follow, for my destiny. While I believe we all choose our own destiny I also feel certain life events occur when they do for very important reasons, reasons that are far greater than just us. Sometimes though I wonder if I'm seeing what I want to see in these signs, in these things I perceive as my destiny and make misguided decisions because of that. And if I hold on to some things because I think it's the right path; if I'm afraid to turn in a different direction for fear of going against what I have convinced myself is meant to be.
I'll be 35 this year and just when I start to think I'm figuring it all out I find myself obsessed with one of these fantasy worlds and questioning why I'm so obsessed with it, why I crave it so badly and I dishearteningly realize, I thought I would have a lot of life figured out by now and I still don't have a clue.
It doesn't get easier the older you get. This is a frustrating reality for me. Maybe it does get easier for some though. There are some people out there who have found this unwavering love and acceptance of themselves and while they might not have it all figured out and life can certainly seem out of control at times, the ability to fall back on trusting yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you are seems to be the key to it all. The key to enabling a person stop searching for more and to live in the now, to live in this world, the world we each create for ourselves, and to enjoy it, to be fulfilled. To allow ourselves to feel fulfilled.
When I find myself in this place I try to think of times I have felt this fulfillment I search for. I always come to the same answer....
Israel and yoga.
I felt complete, fulfilled, for probably the first time in my life when I stepped off that plane in Israel. There was that magical energy there, like these sci fi fantasies that I crave, it engulfed me. Ironic since I realized today that 5 years ago I was in Israel right now. FIVE years already and I can feel that sense of belonging, completeness, like it was yesterday. I can't exactly pick up and move to Israel but I can work a little harder at returning to practicing my religion more. Maybe get to Torah study, start Hebrew classes again, something. My excuses for not, while very valid, remain just that, excuses.
One of my favorite places in Israel. A waterfall I swam in/under.
Rafting the Jordan.
I think this is why I get so caught up. It gives me an outlet, it lets me live in this dream world I've also created in my head, which probably originated from the world of Disney and all the movies growing up teaching me that such a life could in fact exist. But I can't exactly blame Walt for my obsessive romantic sci fi binges because the truth is, it's me. It's always been me and my own insecurities, questioning myself, my choices, the paths I've chosen. It's my inability to trust myself.
I often tell Craig how difficult it is to love someone who doesn't love themselves. I've preached many times how a person needs to accept who they are and love who they are to find true fulfillment in life; that no one and nothing can give a person what such fulfillment except themselves. I realize that the same goes for trust. If you don't trust yourself you can't possibly trust others, nor can they trust you. Everything in life starts with us.
If I'm not for myself, who am I? Right?
I've always looked for signs, the right path to follow, for my destiny. While I believe we all choose our own destiny I also feel certain life events occur when they do for very important reasons, reasons that are far greater than just us. Sometimes though I wonder if I'm seeing what I want to see in these signs, in these things I perceive as my destiny and make misguided decisions because of that. And if I hold on to some things because I think it's the right path; if I'm afraid to turn in a different direction for fear of going against what I have convinced myself is meant to be.
I'll be 35 this year and just when I start to think I'm figuring it all out I find myself obsessed with one of these fantasy worlds and questioning why I'm so obsessed with it, why I crave it so badly and I dishearteningly realize, I thought I would have a lot of life figured out by now and I still don't have a clue.
It doesn't get easier the older you get. This is a frustrating reality for me. Maybe it does get easier for some though. There are some people out there who have found this unwavering love and acceptance of themselves and while they might not have it all figured out and life can certainly seem out of control at times, the ability to fall back on trusting yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you are seems to be the key to it all. The key to enabling a person stop searching for more and to live in the now, to live in this world, the world we each create for ourselves, and to enjoy it, to be fulfilled. To allow ourselves to feel fulfilled.
When I find myself in this place I try to think of times I have felt this fulfillment I search for. I always come to the same answer....
Israel and yoga.
I felt complete, fulfilled, for probably the first time in my life when I stepped off that plane in Israel. There was that magical energy there, like these sci fi fantasies that I crave, it engulfed me. Ironic since I realized today that 5 years ago I was in Israel right now. FIVE years already and I can feel that sense of belonging, completeness, like it was yesterday. I can't exactly pick up and move to Israel but I can work a little harder at returning to practicing my religion more. Maybe get to Torah study, start Hebrew classes again, something. My excuses for not, while very valid, remain just that, excuses.
One of my favorite places in Israel. A waterfall I swam in/under.
Rafting the Jordan.
This is me 100% feeling fulfilled!
Yoga gives me that sense of fulfillment for taking care of myself. It allows me to cleanse my soul of the anger that often consumes me, enables me to clear my mind of the chatter, to get in touch with who I really am behind all the resentment and anger. Last weekend I learned there may not be enough students for the yoga teacher training program to happen and since then I've been off. I've been more obsessed with my aliens, my dream world. I didn't realize that was my trigger until I started to write to you all but the idea of not getting to do this program took the life out of me a bit. I've been holding on to knowing there was a light in the very near future and the thought of that light going out, well... it brings me back to the dark. It reminds me of feeling lost and stuck and unsure of every decision I've made over the past four years since returning from Israel. I need this training. I need that light.
We all need the light of hope. For me, hope is what guides us to that key. The more we are able to find the pieces we are searching for the more we are able to find that self acceptance which enables us to trust ourselves, and ultimately to find that unconditional love for ourselves. I need that hope.
I keep blaming everyone else for how I feel. Well, more so, I keep blaming Craig. While Craig sure plays a role in the anger and resentment, I have to remember that if I can't find my way back to the path of acceptance and trust and love for myself, I sure as heck can't find my way back to trusting him, accepting him for where he's at with working on his own struggles and I sure won't be able to hold on to my love for him.
It all starts with me. It always starts with each of us. It's easy to forget. For me anyway, it's easy to forget. Good thing for aliens and vampires to help bring me back to reality once in awhile!
Hope you've all been feeling fulfilled during my alien abduction :) See you again soon! Promise.
Yoga gives me that sense of fulfillment for taking care of myself. It allows me to cleanse my soul of the anger that often consumes me, enables me to clear my mind of the chatter, to get in touch with who I really am behind all the resentment and anger. Last weekend I learned there may not be enough students for the yoga teacher training program to happen and since then I've been off. I've been more obsessed with my aliens, my dream world. I didn't realize that was my trigger until I started to write to you all but the idea of not getting to do this program took the life out of me a bit. I've been holding on to knowing there was a light in the very near future and the thought of that light going out, well... it brings me back to the dark. It reminds me of feeling lost and stuck and unsure of every decision I've made over the past four years since returning from Israel. I need this training. I need that light.
We all need the light of hope. For me, hope is what guides us to that key. The more we are able to find the pieces we are searching for the more we are able to find that self acceptance which enables us to trust ourselves, and ultimately to find that unconditional love for ourselves. I need that hope.
I keep blaming everyone else for how I feel. Well, more so, I keep blaming Craig. While Craig sure plays a role in the anger and resentment, I have to remember that if I can't find my way back to the path of acceptance and trust and love for myself, I sure as heck can't find my way back to trusting him, accepting him for where he's at with working on his own struggles and I sure won't be able to hold on to my love for him.
It all starts with me. It always starts with each of us. It's easy to forget. For me anyway, it's easy to forget. Good thing for aliens and vampires to help bring me back to reality once in awhile!
Hope you've all been feeling fulfilled during my alien abduction :) See you again soon! Promise.
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Namaste!
Jaci