The Yogi in Me

I've always been a bit of a thinker, a dreamer, a searcher. My head always seemed to get away from me, still does. A simple thought turns to a long drawn out miniseries playing out in my mind.  Hence self talk insanity! I spent a great deal of my life searching for ways to get out of my head, mainly because endless chatter is exhausting. So I searched and I searched, often in all the wrong places. Because lets face it, blacking out isn't the healthiest way to escape your head for a bit and neither is numbing yourself. I realized I needed a healthier way to escape from myself, to find peace within... so I wouldn't have the desire to escape from myself. I found yoga.

That was about 11 years ago.... and I fell in love. I remember doing those Rodney Yee videos a coworker lent me and thinking, hey, I'm pretty good at this. We all know, I'm not exactly a fan of continuing with something I'm not good at. Yoga seemed to come natural to me. More so than dance which I spent my childhood practicing, not very well I might add. And even more than karate which I was decent at but struggling too much with chronic fatigue at the time to handle the physical demands. Yoga was a perfect fit for this mind wanderer!

To this day the best yoga class I ever went to was a true Ashtanga class in Miami, when I was living in South Beach. While it was also one of the hardest workouts I've ever done physically, I left that class with so much energy pulsating through me I thought I could run a marathon. I'm not a runner, I don't even enjoy it. That energy was like a drug, I've craved it ever since. I realized over the years that I often went to a class with the sole intent of stealing other's energy desperately looking for that feeling again. Yes, I'm a positive energy seeking addict. That's what it feels like anyway. I figure it's far better than the number of other ways I could have become addicted in my quest for peace.

The problem is I often go through periods of time in my life when months go by before I find an opportunity to roll out my mat and become mindful of that automatic life sustaining thing we call breathing. I feel it, those times I can't practice (or make excuses why I can't). It's like being too tired or too hungry, but for months! I'm more irritable, less able to manage my anger, less patient, more anxious and depressed. That antsy feeling inside is always there... searching... longing. That search, the craving to quiet my head, to find peace, is all consuming. That moment I sit on my mat is like someone shoots a bit of life back into me. This moment happened after a longer than normal laspe in practice a few months ago. I haven't missed a week since.

Since I know I'm there to steal everyone else's energy, considering I very rarely have any to offer, I sometimes worry that my stress and negative thoughts will pass on to other yogi's in the room as I soak in all they have to offer. I used to feel like I was cheating everyone somehow. Sometimes this thought still crosses my mind but over the years I've learned that as I reach a place where my mind clears, even if just a bit, it's like that yoga energy just swarms around the room sucking up everyone's negativity. I realized I'm not the only one searching for peace. I'm not the only one who had a stressful day or who has negative thoughts and energy to expel. The yoga is the energy source I crave. I can practice alone and feel it. I just prefer to be around people. I've never been a big fan of alone.

Being the thinker, dreamer, searcher I am I tend to forget to actually act on all these thoughts and dreams swirling around my head. It took some time to act this time too but in about 10 weeks I am finally taking a stroll down a new path in life, one I've been wanting to take for about 5 or 6 years. I start my yoga teacher training program! Not only will I get to learn about this beautiful way of life that helped save me from my own self destruction but I get to practice five times more than I am now. Just imagine how much more at peace I'll be with myself, with life?!

While we will be running around like crazy people (that part isn't exactly new I guess) so I can make my 6 hours of class each week and then a full weekend (16 hours!) once a month for four months, it's all good because I can almost feel the energy already. And not just from the yoga energy, relaxation and peace I crave but the energy that comes from pursuing a dream. The energy that comes from doing something more, more than the same thing day in and day out, which for me has been mind numbing. I realize many mommy's will think I'm a crappy mom for saying that but I mean, singing ABC's, making peanut butter sandwiches, and trips to the park are great and all but I definitely feel like my IQ may have dropped off a bit these past two years at home, mostly from shear lack of adult conversations and learning beyond a preschool level.

But that's all about to change. Not only will I get to do what I love BUT this means I'll get to bring this love, the peace of mind, body and soul through meditation, through yoga, to others! I may not ever go back to being a counselor, but I'll still get to help people and maybe in an even more meaningful way. Not many can say they love what they do but I'll get to continue to fulfill my dream of staying home with my kids AND working (hopefully) doing something I would be doing as a past time anyway. Can't get much better than that!

Namaste! (and goodnight)