The Addiction Detour

For some time now I've been a bit dismayed at the lack of understanding a substantial number of people have regarding alcoholism. Or addictions in general. There's a wealth of information out there and more research than anyone could ever sort through so it's frustrating to hear the common stereotypes and judgements day after day.

Addicts can't just stop. It's not a matter of lack of strength or will. Though often it is a lack of understanding of what's going on inside themselves and how to work through it. It may be a lack of resources. And often fear plays a powerful role. Fear and love are our two most influential emotions as humans. Alcoholics don't love being an addict. Heck, they typically don't have much love for themselves at all. They simply don't know any other way to be. Or they have forgotten that there is another way.

Alcoholics are all different. They come from different cultures, different religions, different upbringings, have different problems and live a variety of lifestyles. It's sort of like how cancer is different for everyone. There's countless forms of cancer that present in various ways for all different types of people. There are ways of treating each kind for each person. Sure, there are the basic, tried and true protocols but that doesn't mean that will be the best course for everyone. Everyone wants to know if my husband is in AA or doing this or trying that. He's tried a variety of things. In my opinion, he's never tried anything long enough to give it a fair chance. But it's not my recovery so I really can't say. I don't know what treatment will work for him but the judgements for not doing it one way or another do not help him find his way.

The symptoms of alcoholism look different for each person too. Yes, many symptoms are the same which is why AlAnon groups can be so helpful for those of us who love an addict. The manipulation, the lying, the Jekyll and Hyde personality... that is pretty universal for any addict, that I know of, whatever their addiction may be. Some alcoholics drink every single day. Some hold good jobs and others are in and out of work because they drink on the job or can't wake up for work from drinking at night. Some are stumbling and slurring and clearly drunk. There are others you may not be able to tell unless you are very close to them and see that person daily because the differences can be so subtle. Some have many legal issues, some a few, some have been lucky. Some go on all day binges for a few days or a week. Maybe longer. Some are able to refrain from drinking for a few days or a week. Or longer. Though, saying someone isn't an addict because they are able to refrain from drinking for a short time is like saying someone isn't diabetic because their sugars have tested normal for a week straight! And it really isn't supportive of the family who lives with a loved ones addiction struggle to minimize it.

The use of alcohol is a symptom, not the problem. Which is why alcoholism is a disease. Yes, it's a disease of choice in a way because you have to choose to take that first drink, but most people in this world have had at least one drink before. And I'd venture a guess that most of them had a drink to "relax" or to help take the edge off of a crappy day at some point or another. What if you have a whole month of crappy days and found that drink really helped? Maybe you'd think, why not have one the next day, and the next, and then it's two drinks, and so on and so on. If there are other things going on in that person's life and they don't have another outlet or are not very in touch with themselves or their emotional needs, well, that disease can grab hold like a parasite seeking it's next host. Then, it's no longer a choice. And most don't realize when it wraps its claws around them until its too late.

Everyone wants someone or something to blame when things aren't as they "should" be. It's human nature to need a reason. So it's easy for people to think it must be the alcoholics fault. They can choose to take a run to work out their issues, journal what's driving them to drink or just care more about those begging them to stop. If only it was that simple. Just like you can't wish the tumor away or for your pancreas to work the way it's designed, you can't just stop being an addict. Cancer needs treatment to kill it and your pancreas needs medicine to regulate your blood sugar. Addicts can't be saved by your love, but they need it all the same.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean the person who loves them has to stick around and watch their demise. Or possibly worse, go down in flames with them. And I've never been shy about admitting it's hard as hell to hold on to the love for that person you can't see anymore because they've  been swallowed up by their disease. All I know is that person is still in there somewhere.

I think the most challenging part for people to understand about addictions is that they just are what they are. My husband might be having a great day, a perfect day in the eyes of some. And out of nowhere the next thing you know he starts to change. Eventually I notice that he's getting more drunk each minute. If people are around they will ask, what happened? Did I do something wrong? Why did he drink? I thought we had a nice day... They need a reason. They need something or someone to blame. The truth is, there's nothing, no reason. It's simply the way the disease works.

As I sit here and explain all of this and fully understand it myself, there are many times when I am that person... the one questioning, baffled by his "choice" to drink for seemingly "no reason", blaming something I must have said or did that set him off. I think... if I just loved him more, was more understanding, more patient... It's probably why I get so frustrated with everyone who doesn't get it. It's that same part of me I'm frustrated with. It's my frustration for not fully accepting that this is how the disease works. It's so hypocritical of me in many ways. I mean, I had an addiction! I know this is how it works. I know no one made me restrict my food or purge it, and I know at a certain point it was no longer a choice of mine but it was this nasty disease that took over who I was.

Alcoholism... addiction... it changes a person. It becomes that person when they are in its clutches. The real person is still in there though. There are breakthrough times where you can see that person they truly are, times when their addiction takes a break from preoccupying their every thought of how to get it, where to hide it, when to drink it, how to not get caught.... Addiction is a full time job and it can drive you insane. There's so many lies to keep up with, people to manipulate to maintain your secret and new ways of perfecting your ability to hold on to your self destructive safety net of coping and survival. It's exhausting. I mean truly. exhausting.

I was lucky to only be sucked in by my eating disorder for a year. But I lost a year of my life to this way of thinking. The manipulation was endless. How to hide how little I ate and if I couldn't do that then how to hide that I was purging that food. It's quite difficult when you live with your parents in a small house. I also had a lot of after school activities so I'd have to find a secluded bathroom at school where I could lock the main door or make up lies about when I ate and on and on. Every addict masters the same tricks of secrecy for their chosen addiction. The alcoholic puts the alcohol in a different bottle, the bulimic uses running water to hide the sound of vomiting... addicts that are able to hide their addiction are really quite clever individuals.

I don't have the answer. I wish I did. Some people are able to just stop. It's rare, but it happens. Some people struggle their whole lives, breaking free for a time and being swallowed up by this disease over and over again. Some people find other behaviors that aren't self destructive to replace the ones that are killing them. Some get to the real problem and work through that and their symptoms of drinking, manipulation, lying, hiding... are able to melt away and they find their true selves. I was lucky to be so self reflective at a young age. Though my quest to being my true self continues, as you all can attest to. There's no one right path to being disease free. I wish there was. And just as much, I wish others would understand this. I wish the stereotypes would cease to exist surrounding addictions and mental health issues in general.

In the end, we are all just human. We all have a purpose. We all need to figure out our purpose and our path to fulfillment, to happiness. Some take detours. No one likes detours. Alcoholics don't like the path they are on. It's simply ignorance to assume that. People who are depressed don't like being depressed. There may be something holding them in those places, something that's comforting in a way, but no one enjoys being unhappy. Trust me. Being on a detour to your true path and your true self doesn't make you weak or uncaring. It doesn't make the person selfish or ungrateful for the blessings in their lives. It's just where they are right now.

I pray that each person stuck on a detour can find their way in this lifetime. One thing I do know is that no day is the same. We have an opportunity to change direction each morning we wake up because quite simply, that's another day we are alive! The only other thing I know is that each and every one of us deserves to be on that path of contentment. Judging where anyone is on that journey only detours our own happiness.

Namaste.

Take A Compliment

I've been wanting to write for a good week but couldn't find the time. Nothing new there really. All my chatter was getting a bit obsessive though, and it wasn't the good kind of obsessiveness. I wasn't growing or learning. Mostly I was frustrated over some things people were posting on facebook and then I wouldn't be able to get the things out of my head. As you know, I'm often stuck with my facebook app as my main form of adult "communication" during my day. Mostly it keeps me sane by keeping me connected to old friends and people over the age of 3. Though sometimes it drives me a bit insane when some of those people act more like my 3 year old. I refrained from commenting on these things that stuck with me, which is probably why my selftalk bolted to the insanity stage. I was prepared to just vent about all this but felt uneasy with that post, so I decided to wait until later.

I didn't see the benefit, other than getting it out of course. And let's face it, sometimes just a plain old bitch fest feels good. But really, who cares?! I wanted it to not bother me more than to bitch about why I was annoyed. As it turns out, I never got around to writing my post. As always, the universe put up a big flashing neon sign tonight with an arrow pointing me towards growth and acceptance, rather than being being stuck and focusing on silly things.

Where did the universe show me this neon sign you might ask? At my yoga teacher graduation ceremony, of course!

Here's the thing, I was nervous for our graduation dinner tonight. Not for why you might think. I was sure we were all actually graduating! I was nervous because our final on Monday was unexpected. I was fully prepared to discuss the 8 limbs and chakras; our modified ashtanga sequence that we taught, modifications to each pose we learned and everything in between. Instead, we were instructed to write a handful of "nice" things about each of our classmates. I say "nice" because I don't remember the exact words used, but essentially I wrote what I appreciated about my classmates and teacher, what I valued and learned from them and quite simply the light I could see shining from each of them. Our instructor collected these compliments and I had a feeling she was going to do something with them for our ceremony. Of course that's what she did. That doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out.

The problem? I don't take compliments well, especially not in public. I mean I really, really feel uncomfortable when people compliment me or tell me all the good things they see in me. I get anxious, fidgety, avoid eye contact and I simply don't know what to do with myself. It's worse than public speaking, or close to it. Which is ironic since I'm about to embark on teaching yoga to groups of people! I also used to do public speaking at high schools after I was in recovery from an eating disorder. I spoke about my experience, for an organization my therapist had founded, hoping to help others towards the path of recovery or to prevent a young girl from developing an eating disorder. I remember liking it, not fearing it. But I was a hot mess for any presentation I had to make or speech class I was forced to take over the years! I think I've become more nervous as time went on too. Which is also ironic since I'm more confident in who I am, more connected spiritually, stronger in character and far more mature. It's one of the many paradoxes of my life!

So, where is all this going? Well, as I was trying very hard to make eye contact with my yoga instructor as she read all these wonderful things she and my classmates thought of me, I had this brilliant idea that all the things she was saying would make a great blog post! What better way to accept these compliments then to really and truly take them on as a part of how I see myself? Sort of like my ever popular I Am post (click link to read)... but a 3.0 version... and through the eyes of others. I thought it might be just what I need to get over this hurdle of fearing public speaking and disliking compliments all in one giant leap. So, here goes... in no particular order, through the eyes of my fellow yogi and yoginis...

I Am....

Faithful, Honest, Hard-working, Maternal, Feisty, Kind Hearted, Thought Provoking, Generous Natured, Gentle of Soul, Lion Hearted and Amazing in Spirit, A Graceful Writer and Way Bringer, A Loving Presence, A Phoenix if Spirit, A Joyful Soul, Beautiful Hearted, A Witty Wisdom Seeker, A Wisdom Sharer, Fearless and Fierce, Balanced, Open to New Experiences and People, Eager to Learn, Inspiring, A Multi-Faceted Gem, A Wowza Yogini, A Strong Woman, A Light to Others and my favorite, F***ing Awesome! I stand up for myself, have a steady voice and a dynamic spirit. I'm most associated with Vrksasana, or tree pose.

Wow....

The symbolism of hearing I am associated with vrksasana is empowering for me. A tree is strong and knows where it stands in this world. It's firmly rooted yet easily sways in the wind and can be rustled by the rain. It shares what the universe has given it with others; oxygen, shade, shelter and food. Yet it's still vulnerable. A tree may fall but others will be planted and grow strong like the last. To me that's a good life. I like seeing myself as a tree.

Hmmm, there's no coincidences!
My blog picture is of tree pose!!

Typing this list was so much more powerful than hearing these compliments or even reading them. I could feel these beautiful attributes that others see in me attaching to who I am with each stroke of the key. I actually felt my body warm; my heart soften. I smiled as I typed them and laughed that after all these years and after how much I've grown, "feisty" was still in that mix! My husband enjoyed that one too.

Seriously though, there's something to be said for this little experiment. I'd encourage others to try it. Everyone receives compliments or praise. Probably more than we think. We may not always listen. Next time someone tells you how awesome you are, try to hear them; to feel it. Maybe write the way others see you in an "I Am" prose. You might just find yourself as full of love and gratitude for the individual you are as I'm feeling now. It's a beautiful thing to compliment yourself. Who woulda thought?!


PS- Thank you to my fellow yogi and yoginis for helping me see the light in myself that I was blind to.    Namaste!

Accepting "Coincidence"

I started a different post the other day. It was one I've been thinking of writing for some time and after my second weekend of studying yoga sutras and meditation something made me think, now's the time. Then, it just wasn't flowing. And I was tired. And I promised a new post. And I really do need to write.

So, here I am. Still tired. Still no post. And my head still full....needing to write...unsure what I have to say. Sometimes those go with it ones turn into the best things a person writes though so here I am.... going with it.

The yoga sutras are intense. Meditation is still challenging. Yoga is so. very. much. more than I ever dreamed of. All in all, I don't think I was fully prepared for what was in store for me when I embarked on this yoga teacher training journey 4 & 1/2 months ago. And all in all, I've learned and grown more from these past months than I have in a very long time. Possibly ever.

I've always been an introspective person. Even at a fairly young age, I knew myself pretty well. I could analyze why I thought things or acted certain ways and usually had pretty clear answers. That doesn't mean I acted on the things I understood about myself, or changed my behaviors. In fact, I went through quite a few years of unhealthy living and plain old stupidity. The typical adolescent/young adult thinking that, oh, that stuff only happens to other people, I can do it and nothing bad will happen to me. I was lucky. Nothing truly awful ever did happen. Though at some point, thankfully, something clicked and I stated living the way I think. Some might say I started to give a shit about myself. I started to respect this life I was given.

I don't always make the best decisions for myself. I question many decisions I do make. I continue to have a tendency to dwell on the past, past "mistakes", as well as worry incessantly about the future, especially the well being of my children. I have fought most of my life to remember to live int he present. To accept what is for simply being what it is. To have faith that each path I take is the path I am supposed to be on because that's what was meant to be.

I never thought that yoga, this physical practice consisting of some cool postures that sometimes seemed physically impossible, yet I was naturally good at them... go figure... would be this vessel that would teach me how to be me. How to truly be me. Yoga was something that gave me an opportunity to get out of the insanity of my head for an hour each week. I felt good after a practice. I felt at peace on my mat. Yoga was something I recommended to everyone because it just seemed like if everyone did yoga, the world would be a bit happier, better, the way it should be. I never dreamed that yoga would teach me the path to accepting. Simply accepting. All that is, all that isn't, all that will be. I never considered that yoga really is the path to repairing the world, an integral part of my Jewish faith.

So, my head is left spinning. Spinning through all these thoughts and beliefs, self reflections and spiritual growth. I've been considering a yoga teacher training program since 2007. I looked into the online ones for simplicity sake and decided if I couldn't do it "for real", meaning go to India and train with a "true" yogi then it just wasn't enough for me. I put it off and reconsidered a couple more times when I was in Lancaster but two babies in three years and a 7 month training program sort of put a wrench in that idea.

So, is it a coincidence that there is only one certified teacher training program in the entire state we now live in... and when I finally sought out a yoga studio to get back into practice that's the only studio I could find near me, despite knowing of a handful of others now... and that she was offering a training program a few months after returning to my mat... and that class almost didn't happen for lack of participants and at the last minute two more yogi's decided to take this journey? All that, when I was desperately missing my spiritual presence due to the lack of a young Jewish community here. I was sinking under the anger of my husband's alcoholism, searching for answers and unsure of where I even wanted my future to go. I thought I was going to learn how to become a yoga teacher which would simply help me stay sane, give me a break from the stay at home mommy gig that some days drives me over the edge, and provide me with a source of income, maybe even a sustainable career should the day ever come when I needed to financially support myself and the kids. That's what I thought I was getting anyway. Turns out, I discovered the path to bliss. Should I fully accept the answers I discover along the way of course... and just let go. So, is all of this merely a coincidence?

Rule #39: There is no such thing as coincidence.

Oh that Jethro Gibbs... he must be a Yogi!

Each choice we make really is meant to be. It may not always lead to happiness. Though, happiness is all relative anyway. What makes one person happy may not be the same for another person, but contentment is within everyone of us. If we search, if we want it, if we accept it once we discover it, it's there waiting for us. My hang up always comes in the acceptance part of things. In making peace with what is. Hey, no one is perfect! I certainly am not. But I won't give up the good fight.

So in a few weeks I'll be a certified yoga instructor. I may not be using my degrees that I spent many years and a ridiculous amount of money on, but I'm still without a doubt on the path I was destined for. I'll be able to help others find their peace, and sanity, through the practice of yoga... an age old solution to the cessation of the fluctuations of the mind. And I get to do all this by simply doing something I love. Now that is a beautiful thing to embrace.

Namaste

Hmmm, Three?

After Caleb was born, I was 99.5% sure he was my last. He would be my baby. Two was quite enough! It was perfect, one hand for each kid, we wouldn't be out numbered, one sibling wouldn't be left out or feel like the black sheep. They would either be best friends or do their own thing. We wouldn't go broke and best of all, no way we'd ever need a mini van!

NO, no, no, I'm NOT pregnant!

But lately, the more I think about my baby turning 2 in two very short months the more I miss it. Not the sleepless nights or screaming. Or trying to figure out what the hell they want and feeling like you're going to rip your hair out. I don't miss the diapers; which I still deal with BUT I've been so excited about the boy's interest in potty training and can see the light at the end of the tunnel with that one! I don't miss the baby food and complete helplessness.... But I miss something.

I have this urge to feel that tiny life growing and doing yoga in my belly. I forget all the pains and exhaustion and overwhelming desire to just get the baby OUT during those last couple months. For a few weeks now those memories are masked by this longing I can't quite describe. Maybe it's the bond, the excitement, knowing our lives are about to change forever. When I used to get antsy like this it just meant it was time for me to move to a new state or make some big change in my life... not have a baby!!

I also realized I miss nursing. To be honest, that sometimes makes me shake my head because in the midst of exclusively breast feeding I feel a bit trapped after awhile. Especially with my son who was not interested in a bottle and I even had to throw out some pumped milk that he refused to drink. The stress over the fluctuations in milk production and weaning and watching what you eat, what medicines you take or when you have a glass of wine can really start to take it's toll. Yet, I think I would extend breast feeding to at least a year and a half, given another chance. Ironic, I know. Maybe I'm just depressed that some men have larger breasts than I do at this point! Whatever it is, I miss it and feel a bit sad with the realization I won't have that type of bond again. Or at least that would be beyond awkward at this point!

I mentioned recently how I've been thinking a lot about how quickly it all goes. How fast children really do grow up. How the problems of refusing to clean up their play room and throwing food, potty training and fighting over who has which truck rapidly become worrying about whether you've taught them well enough to recognize "stranger danger", other dangerous situations and people that would hurt them, or worse. And then praying they fully grasp the dangers of drugs or drinking and driving and (gasp) unprotected sex, and on and on. Maybe I just want to prolong those worries a bit by still having the "easy" worries of a younger child to contend with.

I think about how exciting it would be to NOT find out the gender of this imaginary child. Since we have one of each, it really doesn't matter to me and there are few things in life that can be a true surprise like that. I still have some names I love and would be excited to use. I would love to honor my Pap by naming one of my children after him. Though I would be sad he never had the chance to meet them.

And then... I remember all the reasons why we said we were done! I'm not sure I have those newborn months in me again. While the kids really are getting easier, my patience is shot and it's nice to have this opportunity to rebuild it a bit. Rylie still sleeps in our bed which would cause some issues. Most of all, Craig is no where near in a solid recovery and there's no chance I would have another baby with anything less than a completely sober husband for life.

That may be part of it. Or all of it even. The broken promises and hopes that this time is it, only to find him drunk again after doing so well. This baby urge might be a replacement for my intense desire for my husband to beat this disease and losing hope each time he drinks again. The urge to have a baby is in some ways more tangible for me. I've felt it before, I know that feeling. It gives me a similar sense of happiness and fulfillment, joy, longing even, the same emotions I feel when I think of my husband maintaining his sobriety for life. Or at least a few months. The same emotions I have when I think of what our life could be like, can be like. WILL be like.

It's human nature to want what you "can't" have. This urge may be as simple as that. It also may be my yoga practice that's opening up all these channels for me. Maybe this is simply in the cards. I always said 2 or 3... until we had our first and saw what it can be like. Then we realized not everyone was lying after #2 popped out. Some kids are easy, some not so much. We have one of each, maybe we shouldn't press our luck.

Or maybe I should stop giving all our baby stuff away!

Who knows what's to come. It's the beginning of a new year. So, I guess time will tell if 2013 will be the year to fulfill these urges or desires. And which ones! The duck needs to come before the egg though. In this case anyway. So, I wait to see if Craig can really stay sober this time and I wait to see if this baby urge will simply subside. I'm 35 now so waiting much longer isn't something I'm interested in, but that urge is there and it's only growing stronger.

Remember, I did tell people if we ever lost our minds again and thought something like this might be a good idea for someone to slap us silly. Who wants that honor?



Ooooh, so I don't need 3 hands,
just more coffee?

Happy New Year everyone!

May this year bring you many blessings, much joy and just enough hardship to remind you to be thankful for each day!

Namaste.