The Addiction Detour

For some time now I've been a bit dismayed at the lack of understanding a substantial number of people have regarding alcoholism. Or addictions in general. There's a wealth of information out there and more research than anyone could ever sort through so it's frustrating to hear the common stereotypes and judgements day after day.

Addicts can't just stop. It's not a matter of lack of strength or will. Though often it is a lack of understanding of what's going on inside themselves and how to work through it. It may be a lack of resources. And often fear plays a powerful role. Fear and love are our two most influential emotions as humans. Alcoholics don't love being an addict. Heck, they typically don't have much love for themselves at all. They simply don't know any other way to be. Or they have forgotten that there is another way.

Alcoholics are all different. They come from different cultures, different religions, different upbringings, have different problems and live a variety of lifestyles. It's sort of like how cancer is different for everyone. There's countless forms of cancer that present in various ways for all different types of people. There are ways of treating each kind for each person. Sure, there are the basic, tried and true protocols but that doesn't mean that will be the best course for everyone. Everyone wants to know if my husband is in AA or doing this or trying that. He's tried a variety of things. In my opinion, he's never tried anything long enough to give it a fair chance. But it's not my recovery so I really can't say. I don't know what treatment will work for him but the judgements for not doing it one way or another do not help him find his way.

The symptoms of alcoholism look different for each person too. Yes, many symptoms are the same which is why AlAnon groups can be so helpful for those of us who love an addict. The manipulation, the lying, the Jekyll and Hyde personality... that is pretty universal for any addict, that I know of, whatever their addiction may be. Some alcoholics drink every single day. Some hold good jobs and others are in and out of work because they drink on the job or can't wake up for work from drinking at night. Some are stumbling and slurring and clearly drunk. There are others you may not be able to tell unless you are very close to them and see that person daily because the differences can be so subtle. Some have many legal issues, some a few, some have been lucky. Some go on all day binges for a few days or a week. Maybe longer. Some are able to refrain from drinking for a few days or a week. Or longer. Though, saying someone isn't an addict because they are able to refrain from drinking for a short time is like saying someone isn't diabetic because their sugars have tested normal for a week straight! And it really isn't supportive of the family who lives with a loved ones addiction struggle to minimize it.

The use of alcohol is a symptom, not the problem. Which is why alcoholism is a disease. Yes, it's a disease of choice in a way because you have to choose to take that first drink, but most people in this world have had at least one drink before. And I'd venture a guess that most of them had a drink to "relax" or to help take the edge off of a crappy day at some point or another. What if you have a whole month of crappy days and found that drink really helped? Maybe you'd think, why not have one the next day, and the next, and then it's two drinks, and so on and so on. If there are other things going on in that person's life and they don't have another outlet or are not very in touch with themselves or their emotional needs, well, that disease can grab hold like a parasite seeking it's next host. Then, it's no longer a choice. And most don't realize when it wraps its claws around them until its too late.

Everyone wants someone or something to blame when things aren't as they "should" be. It's human nature to need a reason. So it's easy for people to think it must be the alcoholics fault. They can choose to take a run to work out their issues, journal what's driving them to drink or just care more about those begging them to stop. If only it was that simple. Just like you can't wish the tumor away or for your pancreas to work the way it's designed, you can't just stop being an addict. Cancer needs treatment to kill it and your pancreas needs medicine to regulate your blood sugar. Addicts can't be saved by your love, but they need it all the same.

Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean the person who loves them has to stick around and watch their demise. Or possibly worse, go down in flames with them. And I've never been shy about admitting it's hard as hell to hold on to the love for that person you can't see anymore because they've  been swallowed up by their disease. All I know is that person is still in there somewhere.

I think the most challenging part for people to understand about addictions is that they just are what they are. My husband might be having a great day, a perfect day in the eyes of some. And out of nowhere the next thing you know he starts to change. Eventually I notice that he's getting more drunk each minute. If people are around they will ask, what happened? Did I do something wrong? Why did he drink? I thought we had a nice day... They need a reason. They need something or someone to blame. The truth is, there's nothing, no reason. It's simply the way the disease works.

As I sit here and explain all of this and fully understand it myself, there are many times when I am that person... the one questioning, baffled by his "choice" to drink for seemingly "no reason", blaming something I must have said or did that set him off. I think... if I just loved him more, was more understanding, more patient... It's probably why I get so frustrated with everyone who doesn't get it. It's that same part of me I'm frustrated with. It's my frustration for not fully accepting that this is how the disease works. It's so hypocritical of me in many ways. I mean, I had an addiction! I know this is how it works. I know no one made me restrict my food or purge it, and I know at a certain point it was no longer a choice of mine but it was this nasty disease that took over who I was.

Alcoholism... addiction... it changes a person. It becomes that person when they are in its clutches. The real person is still in there though. There are breakthrough times where you can see that person they truly are, times when their addiction takes a break from preoccupying their every thought of how to get it, where to hide it, when to drink it, how to not get caught.... Addiction is a full time job and it can drive you insane. There's so many lies to keep up with, people to manipulate to maintain your secret and new ways of perfecting your ability to hold on to your self destructive safety net of coping and survival. It's exhausting. I mean truly. exhausting.

I was lucky to only be sucked in by my eating disorder for a year. But I lost a year of my life to this way of thinking. The manipulation was endless. How to hide how little I ate and if I couldn't do that then how to hide that I was purging that food. It's quite difficult when you live with your parents in a small house. I also had a lot of after school activities so I'd have to find a secluded bathroom at school where I could lock the main door or make up lies about when I ate and on and on. Every addict masters the same tricks of secrecy for their chosen addiction. The alcoholic puts the alcohol in a different bottle, the bulimic uses running water to hide the sound of vomiting... addicts that are able to hide their addiction are really quite clever individuals.

I don't have the answer. I wish I did. Some people are able to just stop. It's rare, but it happens. Some people struggle their whole lives, breaking free for a time and being swallowed up by this disease over and over again. Some people find other behaviors that aren't self destructive to replace the ones that are killing them. Some get to the real problem and work through that and their symptoms of drinking, manipulation, lying, hiding... are able to melt away and they find their true selves. I was lucky to be so self reflective at a young age. Though my quest to being my true self continues, as you all can attest to. There's no one right path to being disease free. I wish there was. And just as much, I wish others would understand this. I wish the stereotypes would cease to exist surrounding addictions and mental health issues in general.

In the end, we are all just human. We all have a purpose. We all need to figure out our purpose and our path to fulfillment, to happiness. Some take detours. No one likes detours. Alcoholics don't like the path they are on. It's simply ignorance to assume that. People who are depressed don't like being depressed. There may be something holding them in those places, something that's comforting in a way, but no one enjoys being unhappy. Trust me. Being on a detour to your true path and your true self doesn't make you weak or uncaring. It doesn't make the person selfish or ungrateful for the blessings in their lives. It's just where they are right now.

I pray that each person stuck on a detour can find their way in this lifetime. One thing I do know is that no day is the same. We have an opportunity to change direction each morning we wake up because quite simply, that's another day we are alive! The only other thing I know is that each and every one of us deserves to be on that path of contentment. Judging where anyone is on that journey only detours our own happiness.

Namaste.