If not now, when?

I have always admired people who practice what they preach; walk the walk don't just talk the talk. I started reading a blog recently that profoundly impacted my life but I always wonder, who is for real? Well, a facebook post about a week later showed me this woman was one of those "practice what you preach" sort of people and that motivated me even more. I said I wanted to start a blog nearly a year ago, shortly after my son (my second child) was born. Considering this is my first post, I haven't been feeling much like one of those people I admire.

Since learning of Rabbi Hillel's teaching (surprisingly, considering I was born a Jew, that was only about 6 years ago) and hearing one of his most famous lessons,  "If I'm not for myself, who will be for me? If I'm not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?" I have strived to live my life by these values. Well, I always strived to live my life in such a way but this provided me with a mantra of sorts. These words enable me to examine who I am and how I am living my life day to day and to help me live up to this mantra. Many days, I feel I'm not doing a very good job with this though. I also know I am my harshest critic, so I force myself to remember all the ways I do live up to the person I aspire to be. I have these self talk battles of pro/con type lists.... I want to volunteer but don't, yet I dedicated an entire year of my life to being a volunteer via AmeriCorps; I want to donate more to charities, I do donate, so how much is enough? I want to spend time writing or going to a yoga class for myself, for my sanity, but I also want to be with my family and get some sleep when sleep is an option! I want to be like those people I admire who practice what they preach, and often think.... if not now, when? When will I be one of those people I admire.... Well, NOW is as good a time as any, right? And I remind myself, better late then never.

So, here's to my first of what will be many posts, posts I hope others can relate to. Posts I hope can help even one person feel better about themself by knowing no one is perfect. Through what I intend to be my brutal honesty, because our self talk is the epitome of just that, perhaps someone reading will feel a sense of relief that they are not alone. I felt desperately alone with all the self talk that I feared talking about aloud for many, many years. At times it made me feel a bit insane, wondering if anyone else had these same thoughts. It was a liberating feeling to learn others did. Once again, I recently started to feel alone, mainly due to my lack of adult interactions/conversations since becoming a stay at home mom.  No one should have to feel alone in this world, not when God gave us each other.

If you do not like my honesty please feel free to not read my blog. Considering this is a form of self therapy... I'm sort of hoping to kill two birds with one stone as far as my mantra goes (to be for myself and others)... I would greatly appreciate you keeping this a forum of respect. Disrespect is not very therapeutic I'm afraid. With that, I have MANY conversations I've been writing in my head for quite some time, so join me again soon!