Anyway, my head is spinning with insights and information, as usual, and I'm not sure where this one will go because there are so many things I would love to share after such an intense and wonderful yoga filled weekend. One thing I keep coming back to is how I always felt like I've been searching for something my whole life. I really remember feeling this more around the age of sixteen, which I think I mentioned before, but I've been in my head asking questions about everything for as long as I can remember. Why are we here, why am I here, what's my purpose, how can I help make this world a better place, the place it was meant to be, and on and on, and on......
So, this thing I keep coming back to is that every time I find myself on a path towards more self awareness and inner peace I am always in awe at how each path is intertwined with the same exact message. From the self help books I read as a teenager, my counseling classes and learning about human nature/behavior, to delving into my religion and learning about Judaism and now focusing more on yoga, it really is ALL THE SAME in so many ways. The message is the same, the goal is the same.
We are here to reach our full potential and in doing so, we can make this world as it was meant to be. Everything is for a reason and we are all connected. We truly are.
That's a loaded statement, I know. It's no wonder I gravitate towards such paths in life. I "get it", I just have a hard time getting there and holding on so I keep searching for the "thing" that will help me hold on to this fulfillment I seek. There are many paths I could take discussing all this in a more philosophy sort of way, or a yogic way I should say, but to be honest, I don't want to freak anyone out. It can all get a bit "out there", for lack of a better word. So let's stick with a realization our teacher helped me come to today about myself.
One main reason I decided to do my yoga teacher training was to find more inner peace. My hope was to find this peace which I believed would enable me to better deal with living with my alcoholic husband, or to find the strength to leave by accepting he won't change, if it came to that. I felt this peace would help me to not to be so angry all the time, to not flip out and say mean and awful things and think even worse mean and awful things when my husband drinks. As I've said, I feel this anger is changing me, even starting to define me. I feel guilty for getting so angry because it's just not who I am and I don't like this angry person. Also, as a side effect from my goal of inner peace was to be a better mother, to provide my kids with a more emotionally stable environment.
While discussing the Yoga Sutras related to detachment this anger came up, and my inability to not get angry, and more so my lack of desire to not want to get angry. I want to be angry at him when he drinks because I think it's something reasonable to be angry about; something I should feel angry about and even say mean things to him because of. I feel it's a normal reaction to the situation, just like crying when a loved one dies. The thing is, I thought my anger was the problem. I thought my anger was causing my physical pains and the knotted muscles which my massage therapist simply can't fully work out no matter how often I find myself on her table.
What I realized today is that it's not my anger at all. My anger is OK. It is reasonable and it doesn't make me a bad person or even someone I'm not. It's my GUILT over feeling I shouldn't get so angry or say and think such mean things that's causing me all this pain. I mean, really, I am always in physical pain or simply feel nauseous or have a headache. But it's not the anger I need to detach from, it's the guilt. I need to allow myself this natural human reaction of being angry when a loved one lies to you, manipulates you, doesn't think about the safety of your children and refuses to work on reaching their own full potential in this life. It's OKAY to be angry about this. It doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't have to change me or who I am.
So, this detachment thing just became so much more clear and easier for me. I need to detach from the guilt and let myself be human. I need to let the anger just be but not let it bother me or consume me. Be angry, but don't let it burn me. It sort of reminds me of the symbolism of burning bush Moses saw. The flames were there but they didn't consume or burn the bush to ashes. The bush remained in tact; whole. I can be that bush. At times I may be a flame of fire but when the time for that fire has passed I can be whole again.
This is an incredibly freeing realization. It's one my Rabbi tried to help me see over a year ago around Yom Kippur when I worried about not wanting to apologize to my husband for the mean things I had said. I knew I had hurt him but I felt an apology was futile because I would not mean it. He essentially told me this same thing. Maybe I just wasn't ready to hear it. Whatever the case, I am grateful I was ready to hear it and accept it now.
As always, this doesn't solve the very basic issue of my husband being an alcoholic and all the issues that go along with that when it comes to our life BUT, it does enable me to detach from these things and to continue on my path of peace and happiness. It enables me to continue to seek my full potential and to be a better mother. When it comes down to it, isn't that what we all desire?
Namaste my friends....until next time.
Yoga Sutras
Part 1
15. Non-attachment is the full knowledge of one's true nature, abiding as the seer, without clinging to objects of experience or objects described by others.
16. The higher form of non-attachment occurs when, due to identification with the eternal Self, one does not cling to the primary cosmic forces of creation.
Kriya Yoga Continuing the Lineage of Enlightenment by Ryan Kurczak
