Hold On to the Beauty

I always have these grand ideas of getting to write every night when I'm away visiting my mom's, yet somehow I end up more busy and more tired (if possible) than when I'm home. Sort of the reason for my fear of vacation but I'm trying to remain excited about putting my toes in the sand... Even if it's not at the ocean this time.

Anywho, that's not what's been on my mind. A LOT has been on my mind though. Driving in to the Burgh I was going back and forth between many of my mind rumblings, from my long ago promised college year exploits blog to all this talk about kids today thinking the world should be handed to them on a silver platter without actually working for it, but shortly after arriving back in my hometown that chatter settled in on the 'how scary it is to raise kids' ramblings in my head.

The verdict for the Sandusky trial came in Friday night after settling in at my Mom's. You see, I'm from PA, if you missed that about me. But more than that, I'm a PSU alum, if you somehow missed that too! So while I'm well aware most of the country was awaiting this verdict, some anxiously I'm sure, I think it's safe to say those of us in the Penn State family were on pins and needles as we haven't stopped thinking about it all since November. It was difficult to set aside anyway, but with all the changes that have taken place at Penn State to over a 1/2 mil donated to sexual abuse charities by students, alum and faculty and awareness campaigns students have undertaken, it's been the topic or at least a part of every correspondence alum have received since our worlds were turned upside down on that fateful day in November.

We pride ourselves on being a 1/2 million strong and of the family-like bond we all share. That's the bond we take with us into the real world upon leaving our safe haven of Happy Valley. We take the "We Are...Penn State" to heart. It means something deeper, it just happens to be a football chant too. Well, that "We" part does break down a bit when the Steelers and Eagles play and terrible towels get burnt, because we all know Eagles fans can't handle always being losers! Or when Pens and Flyers face off, especially if it's playoff time and a little drunk girl from Pittsburgh (who shall remain nameless) thinks after a mild beer throwing battle it might be a good idea to pour her entire beer on her boyfriend's roommates head. Said roommate/Flyers fan wasn't very happy about this and said boyfriend sort of ended up knocking his tooth out. Like I said, Bonnie and Clyde not Romeo and Juliet. But other than these such times, we are back to our "we are" bond, mostly. Hey, even the closest of families fight!

Thank God we grew up, geez louise. AND I digressed... sorry.

So, I have even thought of retiring in State College, as many retirees actually do. Why the middle of Pennsylvania? Because Happy Valley is well, a happy place to be! (Or was anyway) Who wouldn't want that in their retirement? Happiness, beautiful surroundings and crazy college kids to keep you young! I get that those who can't fathom such a bond with their university and fellow alum and those who think we are just a football crazy party town will never understand how this horrific scandal has rocked us to the core, broken our hearts and stripped away all we believed to be true about our unbreakable fortress of pride and success with honor since this story broke. It wasn't just the horrified, angry, WTF sort of thing like it was for the rest of the country. Though it was that too. When we learned that Sandusky stole the innocence of all those poor boys, under all our watch, because everyone knew someone who knew him or knew him personally, BUT that system after system betrayed them from a local middle school to the governor and it heartbreakingly seems at least a handful of PSU faculty as well, our faith in everything we knew faltered. We can't go back to the worldview as we saw it nearly 8 months ago.

Our hearts bled for those boys and for the first time we were bleeding red, not blue and white. We bled red with anger and betrayal from one of our own (previously) well respected names associated with our perfect world in Happy Valley. After taking all this in for nearly 8 months and everything that I have read about since, from the Duke coach being accused of similar atrocities to the arch bishop in Philly being found guilty (hallelujah) to plain old statistics and awareness information I've come to the conclusion that my faith is now limited when it comes to anyone protecting my children other than me and my husband. And even he scares me with his, "we'll just teach her to punch them in the eye if they tease her about being Jewish or her glasses", oy vey, yes, great idea hunny!

All kidding aside, some days I feel almost paralyzed by all the horrific things out there that can harm my babies, all the terrifying people. So, I try not to think about them all too much while at the same time remaining as informed and vigilant as possible to protect my sweet, innocent little darlings. I keep coming back to, how the hell do I keep them safe AND still let them out of the house before they turn 20?! How do we do this as parents?


I honestly don't know.

It's not like we can ask our grandparents or even our parents because there are countless more ways all these sickos can now come into my child's world. Growing up I was weary of vans with no windows but at 8 or 9 I never thought twice about walking down the street to the pool with my friend where we spent the day on our own. In my school district, the kids from where the school was located (about a mile radius) walked to school, even kindergartners. Now they are bused, even a few blocks. So, how can our parents help us with this terrifying aspect of parenting? I didn't even have email until I went to college and now the internet is like this horror house of child predators!

The part about all this that gets me is deep, deep down I really do believe that people are inherently good. Even most republicans are probably good, I just don't understand them. So how do I reconcile this deep routed ideal, one I want to teach my kids, with this overwhelming desire to keep them by my side, at our home with no TV to strip away their innocent minds and internet to temp them into a predator's hands? How do I keep them safe, keep my faith in humanity and not be some overbearing, crazy, overprotective mom?

I honestly just don't know.

All I've come up with is that all I really can do is what I'm doing, which is give them space to grow, but keep my guard up, but not in a whoa, she's a bit insane sort of guarded way. I mean, the kids have to have normal lives too, their first sleep overs (panic just thinking that) and sports practices (which I may not be able to attend) and Hebrew school and all sorts of times I can't see what they are doing or what others are doing. All I can do is keep adapting as they grow and as the horrors of what humanity is capable of seem to wean and waver, stay on top of the newest ways the sick people have discovered to try to steal my babies innocence or take away my meaning in life.

I can't change that these people are out there. I can't waste my energy attempting to understand why these people even exist. I can't change these things. All I can do is be prepared and do everything in my power to protect my kids from this "other" world. Because in my world, my Happy Valley sort of world, people are good and I can't allow myself to become bitter and scared and well, a hermit just because evil is a real thing. What sort of life would that be? What sort of values would that teach my babies?

Not much.

But, that doesn't have to mean that deep down I won't be just a bit (more) weary and when I get those goosebumps from someone, I'll steer my babies far, far away. That's just commonsense parenting to me.

All this stuff is scary as hell but we still have to be parents, right? Just like my once picaresque image of Happy Valley will forever look different now, we must move on. We learn, we change, we grow. That's the beauty in life. That's what I have to hold on to if I want to be the mom I desire, I have to hold on to all the beauty.

A rainbow over Mt. Nittany, Happy Valley, PA

Vacation Dreams

So, I had another post about ready ("about ready" because lately I'm finding I've been too tired to finish writing a blog in one sitting) yet after driving home today and losing 4 hours of my life to what felt like nothing short of torture, my mind ramblings (my new word for my chatter) took a bit of a detour. A detour to the mental institution!

All I could think as Caleb whined, cried and screamed for THREE AND ONE HALF HOURS straight, nonstop, yes, 3 and 1/2 hours... was how lovely it would be if I could have enough of a meltdown to land myself in a 72 hour hold. What a vacation that would be! At one point I thought I would have to pull over and break a few things just so I could continue on without actually losing my mind. Then I realized I didn't have anything to break. damn. What else?

Oh, many ideas ran through my head but if I wrote some of them people might actually think I've lost it rather than realizing I'm not serious, it's just the insanity part of parenthood talking! Though some of the ramblings did involve shooting myself in the leg so I wouldn't have to get back into my orange torture chamber again. (my car is orange) Sort of have to own a gun for that to work out though. Figured that would probably get me my little vaca to the padded room too. Ah well, next time.

I also thought a lot about a conversation from about a year ago with a mom of three and my husband and I laughing about just how insane it all is. When some of the more crazy things parents have done came up (like the sad and sick and how the hell could a parent do that to their own kid sort of "crazy") and this mom put it perfectly, "I don't condone it, but I understand!"

Yes, today for four hours, which was the total length of my drive, was one of those days that I understood... And was very thankful that I have been blessed with many resources, coping skills, a good upbringing and education, I'm not an addict or teen mom with no help, or struggling with severe mental health issues or any of the other things that drive mom's (dad's and any caregiver) to do unthinkable things. I can understand how 3 and 1/2 hours of incessant whining and crying can drive a person truly insane. And I am thankful... thankful that I know to blast the radio and to tell myself it will end! Eventually. But as I checked the time and only 5 minutes had passed, 10 minutes, 90 more miles to go.... Wait, WILL IT END?!

And then I started begging.

Pleading.

And yes, I yelled. I feel bad as this was first real time it was directed at Caleb because as we all know, he's the good child! He stuck his little lip out, but stopped the whining. Broke my heart though.

Mind you, this was all after running out of things within reach on the back seat floor to throw at the kid, praying it would entertain him long enough to shut up for even a minute, JUST ONE WHOLE MINUTE. That's not asking too much, right? He would simply throw it all back, because he was being a punk like that. So, I began dreaming of my institutional vacation again. I also kept checking to make sure no one was near me on the road because I'm pretty sure I looked like a drunk driver with all the reaching and throwing things. Now, I was lightly tossing them in his seat not jacking them at his head people! But let's face it, knocking his little whiny ass out crossed my mind a few times. Well, it was more my dream that a baby tranquilizer existed, and how rich I would be if I could just develop one. A safe one of course. But I dream of this nearly every night with Rylie anyway.

And people say talking on your cell phone is dangerous while driving. A screaming 16 month old is the real danger my friends!

Then I noticed the music which I had finally cranked up about 5 notches higher than normal. A CD mix Craig made me back in 2000 was on. Remember, we are talking about Craig here, so it was more songs that brought about memories of that year than love songs (though there are surprisingly a couple love songs on it, including Enrique Iglesias, lol) Anyway, thankfully the kids don't know what a thong is, so hearing someone say, "let me see that thong. thong th thong thong thong" won't be all that damaging. I hope. You might be thinking, eh, that's not so bad. Yeaaaah, well, I was so zoned out about how I can get my padded room "vacation" that I didn't fast forward "You gimme your number. I call you up. You act like your pussy don't interrupt. I don't have no problem with you f*!king me. But have a little problem with you not f*!king me..." Oh Good Lord! Well, too late. Gotta love Ol' Dirty Bastard. Seriously, what kind of music did we listen to back then?! 

I looked back to see if they were jammin to mommy's old ass music and found Rylie ready to fall asleep, again, or maybe she was just engrossed in Word World, which had played about 10 times already. And then I saw it... Caleb's eyes were closing. YES, CLOSING! I looked at the mile marker... 20 effing miles from home! Are. you. kidding. me?!? And nearly an hour AFTER he normally wakes up from nap. As I was simultaneously thinking thank you God for the few minutes of quiet and great, how the hell am I going to survive tonight with such a late day snooze, I hear.... "Mommy, I need to pee".

Now this would normally be music to my ears, the best part of my day actually, but with 15 miles to go and no exit in sight I finally accepted today was just one of those days. There was an abandoned trailer off to the side and it had cones up so I figured that was my safest bet and pulled in front of it. I opened the front and back passenger doors and got out the trusty little green potty I just bought a few days before for such occasions. I set it on the ground between the doors and sat Rylie's little butt on it.  I thought she would refuse and it would be a big ordeal  but when I looked at her she was grinning ear to ear and almost immediately said, "I'm peeing outside!" in her little singing voice. She thought peeing on the side of the highway was the coolest thing she'd ever done! Seriously? Whatever, I'll take it!. She even said she needed to pee more as I put her back in her car seat.

Me: Do you really have to pee more (thinking please, please don't mean you have to poop too!)
Rylie: Pee more outside!
Me: Do you just want to pee outside or pee more?
Rylie: Pee outside (still grinning ear to ear)
Me: Let's go home and you can pee outside there.

Yes, I lied to my daughter but to be honest, had she pushed me on it when we got home I was fully willing to let her pee in her damn potty outside in our yard just to avoid anymore whining and screaming torture!

And for the record, Rylie wasn't the only one to use that little green potty. Maybe TMI for some, but it just tops off how ridiculous my drive home was.

stock photo, because I think posting one of
Ry actually sitting on it on the side of the road
may be a bit much!

So, yes, after a long and busy 5 days back in my hometown, it was a hell of a drive home. I've had some challenging ones but this one may have inched it's way up to that #1 spot. I'll have to let the dust settle a bit before the final verdict in in. I'd like to say if anyone wants to see the kids (or me) before Caleb is at least 3 years old then they better plan a trip down here, because no way, no how will I be driving anywhere by myself with them again! But I know it'd be an idle threat... and dream. Though, I think I'll be taking a break on road trips until our vacation... our real vacation, not my dream one in the padded cell.

Night all.
Oh, some positive thoughts welcome that I can continue to use my coping skills with 2 days on my own! At least there are some dishes to break now that I'm home ;-P