Officially Our Anniversary

Tomorrow marks two years since Craig and I "officially" got married. I say "officially" since we didn't tell ANYONE for months. I only started telling people, including my mom, who I talk to everyday and who knows pretty much everything, after posting Caleb's 1st ultrasound picture and realizing it had "Hoosier" on the picture, oops! Even then, we didn't announce it for nearly a year with the hopes of having the "real" wedding we both wanted but decided to postpone so we could have another baby (Mr. C love) sooner than later. Once we realized that kids suck every last drop of time, energy and money out of you, all essential to planning your dream wedding, we accepted that wedding we talked about for over a decade probably was a long shot. I changed my name, we told those who hadn't found out or been told yet and really made it official by announcing it and changing my name on Facebook. But tomorrow is officially the official big day.

My busy little head has been full of all those "real" wedding things I wanted, saying our vows in front of all our family and friends on Old Main lawn, if that's allowed, with a Penn State style reception at the Nittany Lion Inn or Atherton, and all the trimmings in between from what song we would dance to and what my dress would look like. Swirling in between this childlike dream that most women my age have long moved past, especially if they are actually married, are what feels like the endless struggles we have faced since we reunited over four years ago, which are no secret here.

Because it is our anniversary, I've tried to flip that anger switch to the smiles I can't help but let escape when I recall some of our first memories. My very, very first being my sophomore year as my friend and I were 1/2 waiting in the long line for beer, 1/2 debating if it was worth it or to move on to the next party when the always smiling and in the middle of everything little freshman "Hoosier" came bobbing down the stairs at DTD and asked if we needed beer. I expected him to go behind the counter and get some but instead he pulled what seemed to be an endless supply from every pocket on him and gave them all to us and disappeared (I assume to reload). That yellow vest he was wearing, which I often donned 2 years later at tailgates, is still hanging in our hall closet, for sentimental value.

After that, I seemed to see him everywhere; every party I was at and even crossing paths heading to class. Pretty phenomenal if you think about it in a sea of 40,000 plus, considering he was a frat boy and I didn't do the whole sorority thing. I also can't help but think of fate when I think of why Craig ended up at Penn State to begin with. Or me for that matter. Everything happens for a reason, I've said it before and I'll say it again, everything.

So, we never could figure out if this first memory of mine was before or after he remembered meeting me. I say before just so I can be the one to lay claim to noticing him first. Either way, his memory goes like this... "I'll never forget when your little ass came walking into the Pugh Street house and I thought, I'm going to marry that girl someday". Now, knowing Craig like I do I'm pretty sure "marry" was substituted with a much more crude thought that would make me want to load the shot gun if a boy ever thought such a thing about my own little girl BUT, regardless, his story has never wavered over all these years and as such this is the single most romantic thing he has ever said to me. So, whoever noticed who first... I think I can admit he wins with the first impression story anyway.

I think of this story on the days I forget... on the dark days, the ones that make me question everything because that is the Craig I married. When I feel unloved I remember, that is his disease not the man who knew he wanted to marry me from the moment he met me.

We were apart for about five years and during that time I always felt he was still my best friend, even when we only talked once a year. I always thought no one would never love me like he did. It's probably why no one ever did, in my eyes anyway. But in the end, I came back from Israel ready to move on with my life, to start fresh. As fate would have it, I was driving back home to live for the first time since I graduated high school and I realized it was Craig's birthday. I had a long drive 1/2 way across the country so I called to wish him a happy birthday and found this Philly boy was still living in Pittsburgh, a place he moved "figuring I would end up back there eventually" as he would say. Which is probably the second most romantic thing he's said. Are you figuring out he's not a romantic type yet? Anyway, he had moved on like I had over those years but was in a place where his life was also in the midst of major changes.

Six months later we had a house in Lancaster. Just under a year and a half later we had our little Ry monster.

 
I truly, with everything in me, believe that Craig and I were born to be together. As angry as I am many days, frustrated that I know we are better than this, I also know God had a plan for us. I believe God still does. I don't know what that plan is exactly but we keep fighting for it. We fight for the love we have. We fight for the love we remember. We fight for the love that's buried behind a lot of anger, guilt and resentment. We fight for all those smiles that come from the countless memories of when it was us against the world. Many people in college either hated me or hated him so together, well, oh boy. Together we were trouble. But as long as we were together, we just didn't care what anyone else thought.

My most embarrassing Penn State moment happened two years before Craig and I started dating. I told him about it, I will not share it here, ever, it's that bad. Turns out, he knew the girls involved and when they saw me (I had no recollection of them) they so kindly told him the story. He laughed and said, "that's my girl" and walked away. Yup, that kind of trouble. Bonnie and Clyde not Romeo and Juliet. We grew up, thankfully, but we had a hell of a start!

We had our ups and downs then too, every relationship does. While we have more serious issues to work through now, that also goes along with growing up; grown up problems. It was us against the world then, I see no reason why it can't be again. Perhaps if I start seeing it as us against this nasty thing called alcoholism rather than me against him, we'll find what we've been fighting for.

Some things are just meant to be, no matter how damn hard they are. This may only be our 2nd anniversary but it feels like our10th. Some may think that's not a good sign, I thought so at first, until I allowed myself a glimpse back over our years together and even those apart. That's when I realized that, in reality, our story began with those first memories from some fourteen years ago. There's easily a decade of "marriage" we have loved through and fought for. Life's not easy, that includes marriage and parenthood and everything in between. But if you're lucky enough to find the person you're meant to share this life with what else can you do but fight?

Our first "date", sort of.

If you're reading this, Happy Anniversary, Craig! No, it's not June 6th :)