All I could think as Caleb whined, cried and screamed for THREE AND ONE HALF HOURS straight, nonstop, yes, 3 and 1/2 hours... was how lovely it would be if I could have enough of a meltdown to land myself in a 72 hour hold. What a vacation that would be! At one point I thought I would have to pull over and break a few things just so I could continue on without actually losing my mind. Then I realized I didn't have anything to break. damn. What else?
Oh, many ideas ran through my head but if I wrote some of them people might actually think I've lost it rather than realizing I'm not serious, it's just the insanity part of parenthood talking! Though some of the ramblings did involve shooting myself in the leg so I wouldn't have to get back into my orange torture chamber again. (my car is orange) Sort of have to own a gun for that to work out though. Figured that would probably get me my little vaca to the padded room too. Ah well, next time.
I also thought a lot about a conversation from about a year ago with a mom of three and my husband and I laughing about just how insane it all is. When some of the more crazy things parents have done came up (like the sad and sick and how the hell could a parent do that to their own kid sort of "crazy") and this mom put it perfectly, "I don't condone it, but I understand!"
Yes, today for four hours, which was the total length of my drive, was one of those days that I understood... And was very thankful that I have been blessed with many resources, coping skills, a good upbringing and education, I'm not an addict or teen mom with no help, or struggling with severe mental health issues or any of the other things that drive mom's (dad's and any caregiver) to do unthinkable things. I can understand how 3 and 1/2 hours of incessant whining and crying can drive a person truly insane. And I am thankful... thankful that I know to blast the radio and to tell myself it will end! Eventually. But as I checked the time and only 5 minutes had passed, 10 minutes, 90 more miles to go.... Wait, WILL IT END?!
And then I started begging.
Pleading.
And yes, I yelled. I feel bad as this was first real time it was directed at Caleb because as we all know, he's the good child! He stuck his little lip out, but stopped the whining. Broke my heart though.
Mind you, this was all after running out of things within reach on the back seat floor to throw at the kid, praying it would entertain him long enough to shut up for even a minute, JUST ONE WHOLE MINUTE. That's not asking too much, right? He would simply throw it all back, because he was being a punk like that. So, I began dreaming of my institutional vacation again. I also kept checking to make sure no one was near me on the road because I'm pretty sure I looked like a drunk driver with all the reaching and throwing things. Now, I was lightly tossing them in his seat not jacking them at his head people! But let's face it, knocking his little whiny ass out crossed my mind a few times. Well, it was more my dream that a baby tranquilizer existed, and how rich I would be if I could just develop one. A safe one of course. But I dream of this nearly every night with Rylie anyway.
And people say talking on your cell phone is dangerous while driving. A screaming 16 month old is the real danger my friends!
Then I noticed the music which I had finally cranked up about 5 notches higher than normal. A CD mix Craig made me back in 2000 was on. Remember, we are talking about Craig here, so it was more songs that brought about memories of that year than love songs (though there are surprisingly a couple love songs on it, including Enrique Iglesias, lol) Anyway, thankfully the kids don't know what a thong is, so hearing someone say, "let me see that thong. thong th thong thong thong" won't be all that damaging. I hope. You might be thinking, eh, that's not so bad. Yeaaaah, well, I was so zoned out about how I can get my padded room "vacation" that I didn't fast forward "You gimme your number. I call you up. You act like your pussy don't interrupt. I don't have no problem with you f*!king me. But have a little problem with you not f*!king me..." Oh Good Lord! Well, too late. Gotta love Ol' Dirty Bastard. Seriously, what kind of music did we listen to back then?!
I looked back to see if they were jammin to mommy's old ass music and found Rylie ready to fall asleep, again, or maybe she was just engrossed in Word World, which had played about 10 times already. And then I saw it... Caleb's eyes were closing. YES, CLOSING! I looked at the mile marker... 20 effing miles from home! Are. you. kidding. me?!? And nearly an hour AFTER he normally wakes up from nap. As I was simultaneously thinking thank you God for the few minutes of quiet and great, how the hell am I going to survive tonight with such a late day snooze, I hear.... "Mommy, I need to pee".
Now this would normally be music to my ears, the best part of my day actually, but with 15 miles to go and no exit in sight I finally accepted today was just one of those days. There was an abandoned trailer off to the side and it had cones up so I figured that was my safest bet and pulled in front of it. I opened the front and back passenger doors and got out the trusty little green potty I just bought a few days before for such occasions. I set it on the ground between the doors and sat Rylie's little butt on it. I thought she would refuse and it would be a big ordeal but when I looked at her she was grinning ear to ear and almost immediately said, "I'm peeing outside!" in her little singing voice. She thought peeing on the side of the highway was the coolest thing she'd ever done! Seriously? Whatever, I'll take it!. She even said she needed to pee more as I put her back in her car seat.
Me: Do you really have to pee more (thinking please, please don't mean you have to poop too!)
Rylie: Pee more outside!
Me: Do you just want to pee outside or pee more?
Rylie: Pee outside (still grinning ear to ear)
Me: Let's go home and you can pee outside there.
Yes, I lied to my daughter but to be honest, had she pushed me on it when we got home I was fully willing to let her pee in her damn potty outside in our yard just to avoid anymore whining and screaming torture!
And for the record, Rylie wasn't the only one to use that little green potty. Maybe TMI for some, but it just tops off how ridiculous my drive home was.
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| stock photo, because I think posting one of Ry actually sitting on it on the side of the road may be a bit much! |
So, yes, after a long and busy 5 days back in my hometown, it was a hell of a drive home. I've had some challenging ones but this one may have inched it's way up to that #1 spot. I'll have to let the dust settle a bit before the final verdict in in. I'd like to say if anyone wants to see the kids (or me) before Caleb is at least 3 years old then they better plan a trip down here, because no way, no how will I be driving anywhere by myself with them again! But I know it'd be an idle threat... and dream. Though, I think I'll be taking a break on road trips until our vacation... our real vacation, not my dream one in the padded cell.
Night all.
Oh, some positive thoughts welcome that I can continue to use my coping skills with 2 days on my own! At least there are some dishes to break now that I'm home ;-P
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Namaste!
Jaci