Anywho, that's not what's been on my mind. A LOT has been on my mind though. Driving in to the Burgh I was going back and forth between many of my mind rumblings, from my long ago promised college year exploits blog to all this talk about kids today thinking the world should be handed to them on a silver platter without actually working for it, but shortly after arriving back in my hometown that chatter settled in on the 'how scary it is to raise kids' ramblings in my head.
The verdict for the Sandusky trial came in Friday night after settling in at my Mom's. You see, I'm from PA, if you missed that about me. But more than that, I'm a PSU alum, if you somehow missed that too! So while I'm well aware most of the country was awaiting this verdict, some anxiously I'm sure, I think it's safe to say those of us in the Penn State family were on pins and needles as we haven't stopped thinking about it all since November. It was difficult to set aside anyway, but with all the changes that have taken place at Penn State to over a 1/2 mil donated to sexual abuse charities by students, alum and faculty and awareness campaigns students have undertaken, it's been the topic or at least a part of every correspondence alum have received since our worlds were turned upside down on that fateful day in November.
We pride ourselves on being a 1/2 million strong and of the family-like bond we all share. That's the bond we take with us into the real world upon leaving our safe haven of Happy Valley. We take the "We Are...Penn State" to heart. It means something deeper, it just happens to be a football chant too. Well, that "We" part does break down a bit when the Steelers and Eagles play and terrible towels get burnt, because we all know Eagles fans can't handle always being losers! Or when Pens and Flyers face off, especially if it's playoff time and a little drunk girl from Pittsburgh (who shall remain nameless) thinks after a mild beer throwing battle it might be a good idea to pour her entire beer on her boyfriend's roommates head. Said roommate/Flyers fan wasn't very happy about this and said boyfriend sort of ended up knocking his tooth out. Like I said, Bonnie and Clyde not Romeo and Juliet. But other than these such times, we are back to our "we are" bond, mostly. Hey, even the closest of families fight!
Thank God we grew up, geez louise. AND I digressed... sorry.
So, I have even thought of retiring in State College, as many retirees actually do. Why the middle of Pennsylvania? Because Happy Valley is well, a happy place to be! (Or was anyway) Who wouldn't want that in their retirement? Happiness, beautiful surroundings and crazy college kids to keep you young! I get that those who can't fathom such a bond with their university and fellow alum and those who think we are just a football crazy party town will never understand how this horrific scandal has rocked us to the core, broken our hearts and stripped away all we believed to be true about our unbreakable fortress of pride and success with honor since this story broke. It wasn't just the horrified, angry, WTF sort of thing like it was for the rest of the country. Though it was that too. When we learned that Sandusky stole the innocence of all those poor boys, under all our watch, because everyone knew someone who knew him or knew him personally, BUT that system after system betrayed them from a local middle school to the governor and it heartbreakingly seems at least a handful of PSU faculty as well, our faith in everything we knew faltered. We can't go back to the worldview as we saw it nearly 8 months ago.
Our hearts bled for those boys and for the first time we were bleeding red, not blue and white. We bled red with anger and betrayal from one of our own (previously) well respected names associated with our perfect world in Happy Valley. After taking all this in for nearly 8 months and everything that I have read about since, from the Duke coach being accused of similar atrocities to the arch bishop in Philly being found guilty (hallelujah) to plain old statistics and awareness information I've come to the conclusion that my faith is now limited when it comes to anyone protecting my children other than me and my husband. And even he scares me with his, "we'll just teach her to punch them in the eye if they tease her about being Jewish or her glasses", oy vey, yes, great idea hunny!
All kidding aside, some days I feel almost paralyzed by all the horrific things out there that can harm my babies, all the terrifying people. So, I try not to think about them all too much while at the same time remaining as informed and vigilant as possible to protect my sweet, innocent little darlings. I keep coming back to, how the hell do I keep them safe AND still let them out of the house before they turn 20?! How do we do this as parents?
I honestly don't know.
It's not like we can ask our grandparents or even our parents because there are countless more ways all these sickos can now come into my child's world. Growing up I was weary of vans with no windows but at 8 or 9 I never thought twice about walking down the street to the pool with my friend where we spent the day on our own. In my school district, the kids from where the school was located (about a mile radius) walked to school, even kindergartners. Now they are bused, even a few blocks. So, how can our parents help us with this terrifying aspect of parenting? I didn't even have email until I went to college and now the internet is like this horror house of child predators!
The part about all this that gets me is deep, deep down I really do believe that people are inherently good. Even most republicans are probably good, I just don't understand them. So how do I reconcile this deep routed ideal, one I want to teach my kids, with this overwhelming desire to keep them by my side, at our home with no TV to strip away their innocent minds and internet to temp them into a predator's hands? How do I keep them safe, keep my faith in humanity and not be some overbearing, crazy, overprotective mom?
I honestly just don't know.
All I've come up with is that all I really can do is what I'm doing, which is give them space to grow, but keep my guard up, but not in a whoa, she's a bit insane sort of guarded way. I mean, the kids have to have normal lives too, their first sleep overs (panic just thinking that) and sports practices (which I may not be able to attend) and Hebrew school and all sorts of times I can't see what they are doing or what others are doing. All I can do is keep adapting as they grow and as the horrors of what humanity is capable of seem to wean and waver, stay on top of the newest ways the sick people have discovered to try to steal my babies innocence or take away my meaning in life.
I can't change that these people are out there. I can't waste my energy attempting to understand why these people even exist. I can't change these things. All I can do is be prepared and do everything in my power to protect my kids from this "other" world. Because in my world, my Happy Valley sort of world, people are good and I can't allow myself to become bitter and scared and well, a hermit just because evil is a real thing. What sort of life would that be? What sort of values would that teach my babies?
Not much.
But, that doesn't have to mean that deep down I won't be just a bit (more) weary and when I get those goosebumps from someone, I'll steer my babies far, far away. That's just commonsense parenting to me.
All this stuff is scary as hell but we still have to be parents, right? Just like my once picaresque image of Happy Valley will forever look different now, we must move on. We learn, we change, we grow. That's the beauty in life. That's what I have to hold on to if I want to be the mom I desire, I have to hold on to all the beauty.
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| A rainbow over Mt. Nittany, Happy Valley, PA |
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Namaste!
Jaci