Talking to God

Picture I took of a sunset in Israel

I always had a difficult time with prayer. I never really knew how to pray. I saw how people prayed on tv, I saw how people prayed when I would go to church with friend's families, and others, growing up but the getting on your knees and praying in church or at the side of your bed thing didn't really work for me. I always questioned why there had to be these specific times set aside to pray in these specific ways and since I was wondering such things I wasn't exactly praying!

I talked to one of my first Rabbi's about this a number of years ago when I became a "practicing" Jew. She said prayer was difficult for many people and recommended a book called Talking to God by Naomi Levy. This helped but, to me, these were still someone else's prayers so of course there were many that fit a variety of situations but rarely any were perfect. Then I asked her how I pray for others because I would never get to sleep if I prayed for every person, group of people or situation that I wanted to say prayers for. She told me that she has a set list, so to speak, one that is manageable, reasonable, and as things come up she may add a person or group of people for a night. This made sense, I tried it. But then I got stuck again, do I pray out loud, to myself, lying down in bed, eyes closed, do I just say those people's names, do I say something specific for each person... and if so, again, this would take all night! And again, with all these questions circulating my thoughts as I tried to pray, not much praying was going on. What I've found over the years is I've spent more time wondering how to pray than I have actually prayed. My solution was to simply say the Shema and call it a day.

This isn't very fulfilling though and to be honest often times my thoughts are so overbearing I can't even get through this six word prayer without my chatter interrupting me. I end up far down the road in some random thought, sometimes wondering how I even got there, stop myself and start the shema over again. There's been nights I have to say it 3 or 4 times before I feel like I actually finished it without distraction. So what is prayer?

To me, prayer is talking to God. Talking to God is something I feel I do quite often throughout the day. It's either I'm talking to God in my head or to myself and I prefer to think something greater than myself is "listening" to all my self talk. Since I was quite young, before I knew what self talk was and thought I might be a bit crazy with all the nonstop thoughts racing through my head, I would tell myself I was talking to God, which was better than thinking I was crazy! Around 12 or so I started to journal and I would tell myself I was writing to God, because no one else would ever read these thoughts but God knows and sees all so that worked. I'm not sure why I don't feel this is good enough though. I talk to God all day. God knows my thoughts even if I don't say them out loud so why say my prayers out loud? God knows who I'm thinking about and wishing well, healing, strength or good fortune so is it really necessary to say their names and specifics of what I wish for them at a certain time of the day? Is it less meaningful somehow? I think the way society showed me to pray makes me feel it is, but inside I don't think so, and this is where my struggle with praying arises.

Even understanding this, I feel disconnected. Many Jews believe that because God is everywhere and our own homes/traditions and time with our family are just as sacred as our temples, one doesn't necessarily have to go to temple to feel or be connected to God (This isn't a universal belief, just like everything else in Judaism!) Yet, I find such comfort in attending the Kabbalat Shabbat service in particular. Just thinking of the songs and joy that exudes these services makes me smile and crave it. I don't always feel this joy in my own home. Since having kids, I haven't been able to figure out a plan to attend services very often though. I don't have any family traditions that I learned growing up and I haven't been consistent with the ones I'd like to start with my kids. This doesn't help. My disconnect from God makes it even more difficult to figure out this prayer thing and makes me feel less whole and a bit lost, which is exactly how I felt for far too long before I started practicing. This makes me sad, it makes me long for what I keep slipping further away from.

I make excuses, albeit many are often legitimate ones, but excuses nonetheless. I do the same thing with going to yoga, or not going, another thing that brings me fulfillment, peace of heart and mind. I wrote this to get it out of my head, like everything else I write, but everything else I write usually flows into a solution or realization that helps me move forward. This time, I have none. No solution, no growth, just a bit of a release that really didn't help me feel better or put my mind at ease. If I could figure out how to pray, I would pray for these answers to come more readily but clearly I'm still stuck there. Maybe I just need to accept that the way I pray is through my thoughts and even my writing and that is good enough. It only has to be good enough for me anyway. Maybe once I accept that this is good enough, I'll stop making excuses and do the things that bring me joy, just for me, not mommy or wife or daughter or friend, just me.  Then just maybe I'll start feeling that peace I felt before.

So, God, please consider this my prayer for me to stop making excuses so I can find peace in my heart again. Thanks for listening.