My Honest Imperfections

During the Days of Awe I often find myself a bit more somber than usual. Sure, I have my usual moments of dealing with my husband's addiction that bring me down but as I contemplate my actions, thoughts and especially words from the past year I get down on myself. I mean, crazy down and hard on myself.

I truly try to live in a way that will better this world, in every way I can think of. Whether it be recycling, or just not being wasteful, to teaching my children the importance of respect for all life, from trees to animals and people. I work hard to watch how I speak to people, particularly those that offend me. I work even harder to not judge people, particularly those I consider ignorant, disrespectful or outright mean spirited. I find I often do not live up to my own standards.

I know I'm harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be and while I think I need to give myself some wiggle room for being imperfect as every human is, I tend to be unforgiving of my faults. So, during these days of reflection and making amends and promises to myself and God that I will strive to do better from here on out, I find it ironic to do these things all while treating myself in the exact way I am promising not to treat others!

Every year I realize this unforgiving tendency is one of my biggest character flaws because I do not save it for myself alone but I tend to be unforgiving of most things and people who I feel have wronged me or others. Now, I'm not talking about how my husband chooses to remain ignorant of some harsh realities of our world, particularly politically charged issues, or my step dad thinking that it's too much trouble to recycle when you have people over because there's just too many cans and bottles to deal with, or always having to follow up with people who can't seem to do their jobs effectively. While these things are very frustrating and annoying, I ultimately do not believe such imperfections will make or break us as a race. While these things will all have an impact in some way or form as the ripple effects from a single persons actions can be vast, I am able to forgive these smaller imperfections in others and myself. Well, sometimes myself, but definitely others.

It's the bigger things. Hate is something I find unforgiving, which seems a bit of an oxymoron to me since not being able to forgive someone can often lead to feelings of anger, resentment and ultimately, hate towards that person, including oneself. I analyze this a lot simply for that reason. Though even just cruel or harsh words in the heat of anger...or drunkenness... or anger due to the other's drunkenness is something I dwell on, fester in really, and I can't seem to let go of these situations; to forgive.

My frustration with humanity for too often lacking compassion for others gnaws at me and I find myself unforgiving for our lack of action when it's needed most. Those who look at the homeless with disgust, who look at the mentally ill with annoyance or who judge the unemployed as a collective group of lazy people are examples that come to mind. It's the people who are intolerant of those who are different or whose views are opposing to ones own that I find unforgiving. It's being unaccepting of others whether it's because of the color of the person's skin, their religion or that they do not believe in religion. It's judging who a person loves because they are the same sex or woman's painful decision not to see a pregnancy to term. It's judging those who judge these people because their religion taught them such things are sins.

It's speaking negative of a mom who chooses to extend breast feeding or the mom that exclusively bottle feeds. It's the snide comments about how someone is dressed or considering a person who eats meat as somehow not being a decent human being for that choice. It's turning your nose up to the parents who choose to home school their children or the parents who utilize cry it out as a means to sleep train their baby. Our differences are never ending and the fact that so many people are unwilling to even try to look past these differences or to stop and think for just a few minutes as to the myriad of reasons why others make the decisions they do, believe what they believe or say the things they say often sits and stews in my brain until I become so pessimistic towards my fellow (wo)man that I start to question the point of working to be any different then this myself. A person's unwillingness to even attempt to look through the lens of those who have a varying worldview is simply unforgivable to me.

And then I remember this,
Mother Teresa has been a long time hero of mine. 

I admit I have done these unforgivable things myself. Maybe not often and by no means all of them, but I certainly have judged, I have thought others beliefs were borderline crazy and I have reacted out of anger without stopping to think first. I've thought other moms choices aren't the best, including my own, and I've been unforgiving of myself because of it. I don't always take a step back and try to understand the other side, especially at times when I know I'm right. I have this book titled 'You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right'. I've mentioned this book before but I forget which post it is. I never finished the book and only know the premise of it really, which isn't related to this post exactly, but regardless, I find the title so profound. I feel if we could all live by those words we would all find acceptance for one another, or at the very least, tolerance. First and foremost though, I need to remember to accept myself, with who I am right now and where I'm at on this journey. Only then can I truly accept and be gracious to others.

The problem is, I can't seem to forgive myself for the awful things I think and even say when my husband drinks. I asked my previous Rabbi about this last year around this time and he didn't really have an answer. He agreed that I have a right to be angry and didn't say or even insinuate that I shouldn't say mean things. But I don't think it's okay. It's not me. It's not who I am at my core, I'm not a hateful person but such hate filled, angry and mean things pour out of my mouth when my husband drinks and I can't seem to turn the faucet off once I start. My thoughts in those moments can be even more vile. Some of the things I say and think are horrible to think about anyone let alone the man I'm married to; the father of my children. Regardless of his actions or things he says, I do not have to forget who I am. I can be better.

I try to tell myself that I can't let his actions effect me or lead me down a path of choices that make me hate myself. Only then, I think if I don't get angry then it lets him off the hook so to speak. He'll think what he's doing is okay and it will get even worse. I've asked him about this catch 22 I find myself in and he tells me to get angry or he will in fact think it doesn't bother me anymore. I know him pretty well I guess. But all I can think is, how is this fair to me when I don't want to be angry anymore? I work every day to calm my anger. Part of why I wanted to do my yoga teacher training is an effort to return to the person I am so I can be a better mom; a better person. It's to release this anger that eats away at me, that will steal my happiness and my life if I let it. But he wants me to get angry at him.

I know I am only human. I know I am not perfect. I know both of these things for a fact. I actually removed thew word "perfect" from my descriptions of things or people long ago when I was in recovery for an eating disorder as a teenager. I don't expect perfection from myself, or anyone else for that matter, yet I have the hardest time applying this knowledge to these unforgiving moments that we all have. I weigh on this so often, not just during these days set aside for us Jews to reflect on such imperfections and sins and repentance. I just can't seem to find an end to this circle of anger, thinking/saying horrible things, being unforgiving of both myself and him for it and contemplating how I can do better..... It is quite exhausting all this anger and not being able to forgive and introspection stuff.  I feel a bit like I'm on a perpetual treadmill.

Obviously some things are unforgivable and in my mind, they deserve to be. I can't fathom how people can torture or brutally kill others, most especially children. I've felt hate in my heart for leaders of nations and their followers who call for the annihilation of Israel and all Jews. I've felt some people are the definition of evil, Hitler for example. Yet millions loved and followed him and agreed with him! How is that forgivable? Yet, many Holocaust survivors have said they forgive their captors, the very people who starved and tortured them and murdered their loved ones. If someone harmed one of my children, I honestly don't think I could forgive them. The problem with this way of thinking is that the act of forgiveness sets you free. Free from the anger. Anger that can be all consuming. Free from the anger that can grow into hate. Hate being something that is simply unacceptable and detrimental to our survival as individuals or collectively.

I am far from perfect. No one is. I guess that's why I can't figure out this forgiveness thing. But I know it's out there. Others can do it under much worse circumstances, so I must continue to strive for it. All I can do is keep trying. Keep remembering I'm not perfect. No one around me is perfect. I need to keep remembering my husband isn't perfect and especially remembering that my kids, who often drive me a bit bat shit crazy, are not perfect! The more I remember that we are all not perfect the more I can remember not to respond in a way that would assume we all are. In the end, I don't have the solution. I haven't found forgiveness. All I really can do is keep going to bed each night with the intent to do better tomorrow. Isn't that all any of us can do with our imperfect selves?

Saw this yesterday as I was working on this post.
How perfect!

To any members of the tribe reading this one....
Gmar Chatimah Tova  (May your final sealing in the Book of Life be good)

Throwing in the Towel

This was not the blog I intended to write today. It's not the one that's been on my mind for the past few days as I soak in these Days of Awe. Which is the time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  It's a time of reflection, repentance and taking a good long hard look at myself and what I need to do to be a better person, to be better for my family and our world. This is not that blog because today is one of those days when I just need to throw in the towel and release a bit.

Caleb has been up the past two nights. Last night he refused to go to sleep until 11:30pm after going to bed, late, at 8:30. Now, me being up all night isn't exactly news given my insomnia and Rylie's antics, who happened to sleep these past two nights, of course. BUT Caleb being up is not usual and it is more frustrating because it's not the norm. I didn't think much of it though. Just like when he had a fever on Monday for a brief time, I didn't think much of that. It came and went and he was acting fine.

bruise on his little cheek 

He also fell on Sunday and we still don't know what he hit his face on but he got a small cut on his cheek and a bruise. He looks a mess between that and what appeared to be the fall/winter redness kids get around the mouth from licking, often their runny little nose. Yesterday at Rylie's dentist appointment the dentist mentioned it might be yeast which they can get from licking outside their mouth too. She suggested trying neosporin first and some anti fungal if that didn't work. Well, it was significantly worse today so we were going to go the yeast treatment route later today....


More on where that's going in a bit.

The rest of my morning went something like this.... alarm went off, I hit snooze. Before the snooze went off I reset the alarm for another 10 minutes and figured if worse came to worse the kids could eat cereal from snack cups on the way to school. Instead, everything went pretty smooth considering the late wake ups on a school day. As I was giving myself a bit of a good job mommy pat on the back that we managed to get dressed and eat and were about ready to head to school in plenty of time, I heard Rylie from the bathroom as she finished up brushing her teeth. She said, "I need to go potty". I went in and found what she should have said is, "I just pissed my pants" while standing on the little potty, fully clothed, socks and shoes and all.

Hand one thrown up in the air.

After a  minor mommy meltdown, I hate being late, and much anxiety over leaving pee unattended to until I returned home, I did a quick wash down of her little butt and legs in the tub, grabbed a new outfit and we were racing out the door....again. We made it right on time. Bit of a pat on the back again.

Dropping Caleb off was another one of those pry the screaming child from his death grip and run out the door feeling like a crappy mom for leaving her child so upset. What does a mommy do in such a situation? Why you drive to the nearest coffee shop for some comfort of course! Mind you, I had a coffee I made at home in the car with me, but that just doesn't say comfort food, or drink in this case, like coffee from the coffee shop does.

I pulled in and sent the husband a quick text about my ever so eventful morning and got out of my car to a nice man waiting by his car to inform me that the coffee house was NOT OPEN!

I held up my WTF sign. If you're not sure of my WTF reference, read this at some point. She's awesome. Anyway, hand two was about half thrown up as I pondered what sort of karma was after me today.

I ran home to quickly clean up the pee, and peed on clothes, shoes and potty, left all over the bathroom and to grab the dog for his yearly check up. The vet without kids, woowho! That may be better than a vacation. Eh, not really, but damn close. Not to mention, the vet isn't so bad on the eyes. In short, Apollo didn't try to kill any of the other dogs as he's sporadically has tried to do in the past, which landed us in the bad doggy waiting room for all future visits at our vet in St. Louis. He didn't growl or act like he wanted to eat any of the humans heads off either. Score! He also is very healthy for a pure bred, 8 year old boxer with various ailments. The vet was very pleased that he is a prozac "success story" and we got another year worth of the magic pill. Score again! Though I felt a bit guilty as I realized this appointment was the most individualized attention my first baby has received from me in three years! I suck. But not as bad as the people who took him from our front steps when he got out and waited like a good boy right at the gate. When they brought him back they scolded us for not having a collar on him and told us his microchip didn't scan after I explained our fenced in yard and microchip was the reason for no collar. Yes, well, his chip scanned just fine. People are asses. Anyway....

I went to a different coffee shop and finally got my comfort drink before rushing back home to drop Apollo off and go pick up the rugrats, whew. I'm sort of tired just reliving it all!

Pick up went smoothly today. I just love when Rylie squeals, "Mooommmmyyyy" and runs to give me a hug. Caleb came back to me the way I left him, in tears. Just like all the other 1 year olds from his class. The teachers claim they aren't like that the whole time. Upon getting home we went stright for the bathroom to wash hands. These illnesses are killing me so that's standard.

Umhmmm, well, remember that "yeast" or rash or whatever on Caleb's face I said I would get back to in a bit? We finished washing hands and as I dried his I noticed those same bumps on the palms of his hands. The light bulb went off as I said OH SHIT! Probably aloud, I'm not sure. I grabbed my phone and called the pediatrician immediately, praying I was over reacting. Five minutes later the nurse called back as I explained everything since Monday and she said, "Yup, that's hand, foot, mouth." I think I groaned because she then said,  "Sorry."

I only know what it is from having worked with kids for so long, but I've never seen it, except in pictures. She says there's no treatment and it's not contagious if he doesn't have a fever anymore. BUT, I feel like I need to go wash every toy he may have touched or put in his mouth over the past few days in some bleach water. I don't know the little things like, do I change his toothbrush now or once the blisters are gone? Should I wipe him with his own cloth after meals, or even a paper towel and not worry about being green in this case? If it's not contagious now, does that in fact mean touching his hands or wiping his mouth won't spread it and if that's not the case, well how in the hell will I ever get rid of it or keep the rest of us from getting it?! Yes, freak out mode ensued. I text Craig, again.

I honestly should be researching about this virus instead of writing to release my freak out emotions but there's a lot I should be doing, like not having Rylie watch TV while I write you all, playing with her outside on this beautiful day, studying for yoga, folding laundry, working on the sink full of dishes...... But here I am.

BECAUSE, it didn't end there. Nope, as I put Caleb down for nap, late, I came downstairs to find Rylie playing in the play room with no panties on. I didn't specify naked because all she wears at home is panties soooo.... I asked her why she was naked. She ignored me. There's a surprise. I went in the bathroom and once again she didn't make it to the toilet. This time she tried so there was pee on the shower mat and over to the toilet, all over the toilet and floor and some on the bath rug too. Fan-freakin-tastic! It's a small bathroom but still.

I grabbed up all the wet stuff, again, and went down to do another load of peed on clothes, towels and rugs. And there you have it folks, I officially throw my arms up in defeat. I throw in the towel for today. Some you win and some you lose. Today I stood in the ring with mommy verse the world or karma or whatever this is, and I decided for my sanity it would be best to forfeit to the powers that be. Until next time....

Though, I do still have yoga class tonight.

Watch, there's probably a quiz I am unaware of since I always forget to check the syllabus!

Even though I threw in the towel,
I'm trying to remember this today!

Practical or Cheap?

So I've had this post in my head for months and months. It comes up daily for me and I often wonder who else is like this or if I'm just a bit odd or over the top. Or maybe anyone who does think like this is odd and over the top with me, either way, I think about it, a lot. I can get a bit obsessed with things, in case you haven't noticed. What is the "this" you might be wondering. Well, it's many, many things so shall we begin?

I placed a nearly empty tube of desitin on the table before going away because there wasn't enough for our weekend trip, but I was SURE I could get just one more use from it, so of course, I saved it until we got back. Today I finally grabbed it off the table where it's been sitting on for two weeks and I desperately tried to squeeze the very last teensy little bit out of the tube. It's times like these, multiple times each day, that make me question if I'm being practical or am I just cheap.

Then, as luck would have it, I finished How Yoga Works early this week. If you're on my Facebook blog page then you know all about this book. If not, read it, it's wonderful, here's the link. K, housekeeping over, moving on. What I realized is maybe I'm not either, or maybe I'm both, but ultimately I'm more of a yogi than I thought. No wonder yoga found me, it was already in me.This was a very exciting realization. It reminded me I made the right choice with my teacher training program and I am on the right path at a time when my personal life has been, well, less than easy. It reminded me, in a deja vu sort of way, of when I realized that all the things I thought about God after many years of thinking maybe I was crazy for believing such things, were in fact exactly what Jews around the world have believed for thousands of years! It was in me, in my soul, the being a Yogi I mean, maybe even before I was dreamed of... if I really want to get yogi-ish about it.

Seriously though, this overwhelming desire to help others and to make the world a better place were all in me from the start and are precisely what it means to be not only a Jew but a Yogi. (and many other things that some of you may identify with I'm sure too but these are the two that resonate with me) And not just as simple as always wanting to donate to every cause I see, my overwhelming compassion even for people others don't think deserve compassion, like criminals, or dreaming of a day when the kids allow me to volunteer again, but it's in how I look at everything. And how everything is connected and can mean more than what it appears.

I do this, often actually. The looking at everything part I mean, and then I take it to the next level. The part I question if I'm a bit crazy is how I then take it all the freaking way to Mars pondering how what may seem a small thing or even how a small act of my own can have an immense impact on just about everything. I can get a bit carried away sometimes.

My New Years Resolution this year, which I put off telling you all after my very concrete thinking husband laughed at me, was to be more conscious of turning the water off when I brush my teeth, wash my face and do the dishes. Now, if I lived in Israel this would be a no brainer and you would be looked at negatively for NOT doing this all the time. It's not something you think about there. But we Americans, and many others around the world, but mostly us, are well, a bit wasteful. Sorry, it's true. Some may not consider letting water run as something wasteful really. Yes, that's true too! It's something that's always there so we take it for granted. Yet in some places people still wait at a community well, some still have to walk miles and carry their days supply back home and others would do anything for clean drinking water. Water is a life source, one we owe to our future generations thousands of years from now not to waste or take for granted or they quite simply won't ever exist.

And that's what I mean by over thinking it all and wondering if I'm a bit crazy sometimes for considering something as seemingly innocent as water in such a way. Ironically, we pay $80 per month for water here. Which is triple what it was in PA. It just keeps going up despite my efforts. Not that lowering our water bill crossed my mind when I made this resolution but it would have been a nice bit of karma!

The thing is, I do this with nearly EVERYTHING. I send Ecards or simply make a phone call because I see no point in wasting my money to plow down trees in order to send someone a card that will just go in the trash and take years to decompose. I don't do holiday cards and I honestly never know what to do with all the ones I get. I love them, but if I saved everything my house would look like I should be on that hoarders show. My husband and I don't even exchange cards, well, rarely. Sorry Hallmark but we can make people feel special and keep our trees too, considering they are also a life source. One might say, buy recycled cards. Why yes, and pay $5 for something that will, what... go in the trash? That's a latte for this sleep deprived mommy people! And there you have it... Practical or cheap or even just a yogi. What am I?

My list goes on and on....and on. I refuse to buy something I can get for less BUT I also attempt to buy quality because "cheap" things are just that. They fall apart, break, tear, taste crappy... You get my point. Heinz ketchup and Philadelphia cream cheese for example can not be duplicated. Now my husband is totally on board with this part of my obsessiveness, the not buying what we don't need and not paying more for something I can find for less obsessiveness. If you need proof, his closet full of American Eagle and Abercrombie polos from as far back as our college days is exhibit A. Granted, my closet isn't much better! I have jeans from high school, no lie. I did tear the Z Cavaracci tag off just so no one would be the wiser. Yes friends, I said Z Cavaracci. I'm hanging my head.... but I love them!

So my other crazy practical or cheap quirks? I read price per unit labels and truly go back and forth looking at the best value for things, particularly toilet paper, paper towels, napkins and even baby wipes which honestly is usually a difference of one cent or less! As the life skills coordinator at a transitional living program back in the day I taught our kids how to shop and shop wisely, and made them do this too! Writing that just made me laugh out loud and literally shake my head. They must have thought I was such a whack job! But my boss sure liked those receipts showing how I saved $20 or $30 or even more. Now I'm not one of those extreme coupon people. I rarely have coupons to be honest. I used to more before kids. I wish I had the time and patience for something like that but I don't. I do have limits, albeit, they are stretched a bit far.

I hate getting flowers, it's a waste of money to me. They look nice for awhile and then die and smell and you have to clean the vase. I'd rather plant something in the yard that comes back each year. It's pretty for everyone to see, adds to nature, and well, it's easy. I like easy. A perfect birthday present for me would be my husband taking my car for an oil change because it's a big to do with the kids in tow. Making my hectic life easier is the best gift of all!

Most of all though I HATE wasting food. I mean, I really, really hate it. Which makes having young children very challenging at meal times. I will not lie, if they throw something on the floor intentionally because they just feel like being a snot, something that can be picked up that is, they are expected to pick it up, put it back on their plate and eat it. Now, if we are at a restaurant, if they toss it in the bathroom or something like that well, that's just nasty but at the dining room table, you bet your butt they are eating it! There are starving children all over the world, in our own country, which is just inexcusable to me, who pray for food and to have a full belly just for one day. I love our garden but this year it produced so much that things were falling off the vines and plants and rotting. We couldn't give it away fast enough. It was so frustrating.

Are some of these just common sense to you? Need more examples before you determine if I'm cheap or practical? No problem.

People tell me about sales on baby clothes. I think, awesome! Then I hear $8 for this, $10 for that and I think, seriously? I won't pay more than $5 for anything and that's pushing it. Well, on occasion I will but it's rare and it's usually unisex so both kids can get wear out of it. I splurged on a $25 Penn State zipper hoodie with a cute lion head on the hood. I bought it big too. But that took a lot! It was worth it. Honestly though, does anyone really pay full price for a Gymboree sweater? And if so, WHY?? I just don't get it. I won't pay that much for myself just out of principal. It in no way costs that much to make and to make money off it, especially considering where it's made and how much those workers are paid! I don't like greed. And charging that much over the top is greed, pure and simple.

Yes, my kids often wear Gap and Gymboree and Caleb even has a pair of stride rite's, which I have to admit are the cutest damn things I have seen, but nothing was full price and shoes nearly always come from consignment shops. And my mom buys them. But there are actually people who buy these things and their kids NEVER even wear them, which is to my benefit. This is more perplexing to me than my insane practical thinking or cheapness. I of course have donated things with tags but often they were gifts without receipts that never fit for the season or I got them crazy cheap, like a dollar find on a Kohls sale rack and they just never worked out.

Shutterfly rocks. I take my own pictures and create 8x10's or wallets myself. Yes, we've done the professional thing a few times. I get serious anxiety about spending so much money on, again, something that will be up for a bit and then what? It eventually just gets thrown away! Even if it's 50 years from now. Or you end up with old friend's school pictures from as far back as 7th grade, like I have. Why do I have these? Who the heck knows. I just don't know what to do with things like this. I also tend to do photo books or order prints when I get free coupons for both, or some crazy deal like 100 prints for $1 or something. I'll even wait to order because why would I pay more when I know I don't have to? It simply seems silly to do such a thing, even if you can afford to.

I hold off on watching True Blood or Dexter each year by ordering HBO or Showtime about 8 weeks into the season and catching up on demand. Which reminds me, I need to cancel HBO again. I research for weeks the best price on things I need or want from a new vacuum, a book, laptop, countless baby items, which by the way, the baby bargains book was the BEST hand me down I ever received! We still have the ugly roller shades up that were left when we moved in a year ago in a number of rooms because the cost of custom order blinds for our old house seems so ridiculous to me. So I search and search for the perfect deal so I can look at them and not cringe thinking of all the things I could have got instead. Instead of blinds. BLINDS! It's a vicious cycle.

More? Well, our recycling only takes cans and paper so I saved all our recycling when we first moved here until I found a recycling center and now we go every month or so with a big load of cardboard, junk mail and plastics. My glass sits and waits for my mom to visit and take it back home with her to recycle since I can't find anywhere here that will take glass. On vacation, Craig and I drove around the last day looking for a place to recycle all our plastic bottles, which my step dad planned to just throw out all week! Now that's crazy! Don't get me wrong, I'm far from the perfect green momma. I often forget to take my reusable bags with me shopping, I never remember to take my own coffee cup and I don't always buy the most energy efficient things, like light  bulbs. There are plenty of times I toss the toilet paper roll in the trash and think, I really should recycle that. I've even thought, a tree died to make it, maybe that tree possessed the cure for cancer! I don't actually think this often but I did think it since I started writing this post and held the empty roll in my hand. You just never know.

Okay, so some of you may be lost and thinking what in the world does buying baby clothes on sale, or not buying the latest fashion for myself and husband, recycling a toilet paper roll, researching the cheapest blinds I want, cutting coupons, turning the water off when I brush and not giving people greeting cards all have in common? Maybe you're thinking I'm cheap AND practical depending on the situation because all these things aren't related. .

Not so. They are. It all comes down to being wasteful. Or not wasteful.

Not wasting hard earned money when you can get the same exact thing for less, not wasting food or our resources such as water and trees, not wasting our time or our energy on things that aren't that important if you really look at the bigger picture. And living simply and not being wasteful, being mindful of how things are all connected is very much living the life of a yogi.

NOW, I'm far from perfect. I'm certainly far from the perfect yogi! I have clothes in my closet I haven't worn in years that I should donate. We have a TV downstairs we never even watch. The kids have way more toys than they need or use. Leftovers get thrown away each week, with much anxiety as I do this. I could use less napkins and paper towels cleaning up. I could find the drain stop and do all our dishes by hand and stop using the dishwasher. I could only use recyclable batteries. The list of all I could do is as endless as how many things I over think and wonder how it may impact our world and our futures.

Maybe I'm not cheap, or practical. Maybe this has nothing to do with the yogi born in me. Maybe I'm just stuck in my head thinking too much and I'm just a bit nutty! But, this is me nonetheless. It's part of how I think I'm helping to make this world a better place, to leave it a better place. Or at least I hope so. Is this you too? Even a little?

That's all for today friends. I have to go cook something with all this pumpkin puree I made before it goes to waste!

The Beginning of the End

 

Okay okay I may be being a bit melodramatic here but my babies started preschool today! I think after living in 24/7 mommyville for over 27 months I have earned the right to be a tiny bit dramatic right now.

Seriously though, aside from the heart palpitations and feeling like an emotionally stunted mommy because I didn't cry when I left my children with complete strangers, it's a bit freeing. I'm actually at a coffee shop enjoying a vanilla latte while I write to you all on my iPad! Holy what the... by myself at a coffee shop doing what? Relaxing at 9:30 am?? I can't complain! Despite wishing I had a Xanax about now, I can't complain.

I've been waiting for this moment to write because I've been struggling with time management lately. And organization. Those who know me well, yes, I said and organization! I used to be a bit nazi-ish when it came to organization. My label maker was one of my most prized possessions! No one warned me that after the nesting phase any organization abilities would float away to some far away land known as prekid life.  Adding yoga practice, meditation, a yoga journal and readings into my daily mix has really stretched me thin. Rylie started back to gymnastics plus my two night yoga teacher training classes.... It's busy at the Hoosier house! Oh... and I have an "assignment" to do a selfless act (seva) each day.

As far as the seva goes, it is very much in line with tikkun olam (or repairing the world) in Judaism, so I love it. Normally I would like to volunteer, donate or something of the like but I can't volunteer much with a 1 & 3 year old in tow and we would be broke if I donated everyday so I've been struggling a bit with the selfless acts thing. I find this incredibly ironic since I don't feel like I do much for myself which leaves me a bit stuck.. So, I asked if feeding my kids each day could count as my seva. It's without a doubt a selfless act. My yoga instructor laughed and said, "if you think so, I mean, they need to eat THREE times a day" I added... PLUS SNACK! She gets it. But, I haven't used it, yet.

Okay, I digressed a bit. This is supposed to be about the beginning of the end... Isn't that what school is? Everyone says once the kids start school time flashes before you like a lightening bolt and all of a sudden you're looking at your middle schoolers debating if you should send them off to boarding school before they end up buried in the back yard, then you're visiting colleges and poof, your home is kid free again and you think, wasn't I just freaking out in that coffee shop writing about my babies starting preschool?

This is a big deal! I'm trying to stay focused and not get too far ahead of myself, like worrying about college tuition, heck, I'm worried enough about preschool and next year's Montessori school tuition! More than anything though, I think I'm liking this tiny bit of freedom. I don't wish with these years away and I know time will fly even faster now and in 10 and 20 years I will probably be telling new moms those words that often make me want to punch the person speaking... enjoy it now, it goes so fast... But as much as my days swirl into one big long day and I often feel like I'm in my own version of Groundhog Day, I also don't want this time to become just an old memory too quickly.

I want my babies to tell me they love me and give me hugs and kisses everyday. I want them to think the world is a good place and no one would ever hurt them. I don't want their hearts to break or for them to lose their innocence yet I know that even in preschool they will probably experience having their feelings hurt or that sense of feeling left out. They will start to get a better idea of what the world is really like, the good, the bad and the ugly, when I really only want them to know the good and beautiful parts. This really is a BIG day.

My biggest fear right now is no one will want to be Rylie's friend. That she'll be the weird kid who is a head smaller than everyone else, with glasses and odd behaviors at times. I also don't want her to be the one the teachers get frustrated with, like last night at gymnastics, because she won't listen, follow directions or sit still long enough to meet their expectations. Like any mom, I just want to protect them until the end of time, protect them from the many evils that plague humanity, the physical and emotional dangers of our world. And like every mom before me, as I sit here drinking my latte and my separation anxiety subsides a bit, I have to accept that is simply not possible. It's not reality, not how this thing we call life works... and thus, today is the beginning of the end. 

Now, I'm at a crossroads of sorts because I can view it as the beginning of the end of their innocence, their life from the comfort of my arms OR I can view it as the beginning of their lives as individuals. The beginning of all the beauty that awaits them.

The beginning of their lives, wrought with endless possibilities, sounds a heck of a lot better. So, I'm choosing to hold on to that today. Besides, they get to run to the comfort of my arms after these few hours on their own of learning and growing, making friends (hopefully!) and discovering what's out there. AND I get a chance to feel refreshed after some me time and to regain some long lost patience. I get a chance to be a better mom for all those hours I still get to keep them safe. It may be the beginning of the end but motherhood never ends so we have a long road to travel and I think I am as excited as they are!