Insomnia

After over 36 hours of not writing, the euphoria of releasing some major emotions has worn off and today has been pressing on me. That's what it feels like, like this weight on my shoulders I can't shake which makes me more irritable and less able to deal with the mundane. Well, the pressing and antsy feeling started last night but I couldn't do much to alleviate it since I couldn't keep my eyes open, literally, they were closing while I looked for a new laptop, because writing on an i Pad SUCKS! Anyway, I forced myself to go to bed at 9:30 and the insomnia and tossing prevailed, again., as usual. I know insomnia is something many people suffer from but I also know many people who go to sleep and wake up the next morning. Every time I think of such a thing, sleeping a whole night, it makes me shake my head in disbelief. For me it's the equivalent of attempting to read Chinese, it's simply a concept I can not wrap my head around, and for most of my life it's also something I have longed for and been envious of others who have the miraculous ability to sleep.

Yup, I said most of my life, so all the advice givers out there, it's not from the abundant stress that engulfs my life or the fact that my daughter seems to be plagued with this same inability to sleep, though neither of those things help the chronic insomniac either! I've been to a sleep doctor, talked to countless regular doctors I've had over the years and I've tried every medication from over the counter to prescription narcotics. I've tried painting my room a relaxing color, getting things for my room to make it a calming place, not watching tv before bed, listening to music, yoga,  reading, deep breaths, reciting a variety of mantras in my head such as, relax, sleep, relax, sleep. The list is endless, I've read every article that crosses my path, asked others what they do, you name it. NOTHING works. I used to get annoyed when I would complain about my insomnia while pregnant, when it was at it's worst, because people would say, oh it's your body getting ready for the baby, oh just wait until the baby is here or, I totally understand, I couldn't sleep when I was pregnant either. No matter how I responded that this wasn't something new or how badly I wanted to yell, really, you couldn't sleep just those few measly months when you were pregnant, I'd take 9 months over 29 years ANY DAY and even secretly thought, there is NO WAY a baby can make this worse, I realized that these wonderful people, full of good intentions, were simply  trying to provide support. I was grateful for that, so I would smile and accept it because just as I can't wrap my brain around the idea of what it would be like to sleep through the night, those sweet people couldn't wrap their heads around the concept of not sleeping, ever.

I can remember my multiple night wakings as early as age 8. Perhaps because I was traumatized, on more than on occasion, by the neighbors who I could see in their kitchen from my bedroom window, walking around naked, naked and eating. It was difficult to get that image out of my head to fall back asleep, sometimes it keeps me awake now! Probably will tonight since I just thought if it, damn. Note: if you walk around naked in your house, close the curtains! Anyway, the next memory of waking up numerous times per night was when we lived with my Pap a few years later. I remember recurring nightmares about deer, yes, as in Bambi. I saw my first dead deer on the side of the highway around then, or at least it was the first one I remember seeing. Maybe I couldn't see out the car window until I was 11! (Yes, I'm perfectly comfortable taking a crack at myself for being vertically challenged)  Either way, I used to have a nightmare that Bambi and his friends were pissed at us humans for hitting them with our cars/taking over their homes with our roads so they would come stampeding into the house. That was scary enough to wake me so there's no more to the nightmare for all you Freudians and Adlerians out there trying to analyze it right now.  There are other nightmares that used to wake me at various times in my life and years which I just don't have many memories of. Though, I know I used to wake up and climb in my mom's bed many nights during those years, so the same pattern of not sleeping is evident even if I can't recall all the nights. Now in college, I slept great! But as I said in another post, my college life is for another post, another time.

Skip over some more years of sleepless nights, which is when many of the doctors and medications came into play, including at one point a hefty cocktail of antidepressants, anti anxiety and sleeping pills as I fought through letting my emotions spiral out of control following my first miscarriage. That lovely drug cocktail resulted in hallucinations, then a change in the sleeping pill and then a max of 4 hours of sleep at a time, which is damn good for me! I was able to pull myself together long enough for all those medications to eventually become a thing of the past and THEN.... my first child arrived. And now, I laugh at that previous secret thought that there is NO WAY a baby can make a chronic insomniacs sleep worse. It never crossed my mind that my perfect little baby would choose to eat, cry, want comforted, lose her binky, scream, talk, bark like a dog, sing or otherwise decide sleep wasn't necessary all during those precious hours of sleep I would get in between my multiple wakings and/or inability to fall asleep. I guess I thought she would get on board with my sleep issues and just be up when I was up or better yet, I had this crazy idea that she would just, well, sleep. Isn't that what babies and kids do at night? I thought that's where that saying, he sleeps like a baby, came from. That silly phrase gave me this false notion that all babies sleep, soundly, eventually anyway. I also have a close friend whose daughters both slept 12 hours a night from 6 weeks on. No one really ever told me any different so what did I know. I didn't hear of sleep training or Dr. Ferber and CIO until I realized most of out darlings don't just figure out that sleep thing on their own. By then, I was so sleep deprived I thought I would feel insane forever.

Again, I hear all the well intentioned mommy's and doctor's.... do you have a routine, stick to it, let her cry, don't pick her up, pick her up but put her back down as soon as she's calm but before she falls asleep, play music, get a nightlight, give her a lovey, take all distractions out of her bed...... Blah, blah, blah. Everything contradicted because everyone has a way that works.The best thing I've heard was from our last pediatrician at Rylie's 2 year check up. Rather than going through the whole spiel about her sleep issues, I simply said, and she still doesn't sleep. She sings and barks like a dog and talks for about 3 hours 3 or 4 nights per week and naps well, but she doesn't sleep, even if she doesn't nap. She finally knew us well enough to stop spewing all the same b.s. she tells every other parent that complains about their child's sleep. Instead, she smiled and said, "she'll make a great surgeon someday. This is just the way she is, she doesn't need a lot of sleep'. Freaking great! The chronic insomniac is blessed with a vampire child. What luck! (vampire as in the Twilight vampires, I think others might sleep, in case that wasn't clear) But, after spending a year and a 1/2 following every sleep idea out there by the book, dotting every i and crossing every t, this way of looking at it enabled me to let it go, well eventually. I was as anal as a parent could be with sleep training and when one thing didn't work after a realistic shot, I was anal about the next. It was frustrating and exhausting! I relayed my daughters sleep issues to our new doctor recently and I smugly smiled inside by the way she looked at me as I nodded at her advice and sporadically responded, we've done that, yup, okay, sure... Yeah lady, we'll try a routine, umhmmm, like we haven't done all that! The smug smile came from knowing what she wanted to say to me was, yeah right, you're not being consistent, just like all the other parents who say it doesn't work. But what I didn't tell her was that I  was a behavior specialist when I had my first child, that I lived and breathed consistency, taught it, earned a living by implementing consistent routines for the families I worked with and for children with much more challenging behaviors than this. I didn't tell her this, I just smiled when she gave me this advice and after I mentioned Rylie did well in our bed but we transitioned her back to hers and it's bad again, one of the last things she said was, keep her in her bed. A week later, after about 2-3 broken up hours of sleep per night for weeks, our daughter is now nice and cozy in the middle of our big king bed. After 2 and 1/2 years of "doing it by the book" I said to hell with it, and about 1/2 the time she does that thing I can't comprehend, she sleeps through the night. The other half she bugs us and keeps us up as usual, but I'll take 1/2 the time over week after week after week of my few precious hours of sleep being stripped away along with the little sanity I have left.

Caffeine can only get you by for so long. And all you fix it people out there who just had an 'ah ha' moment, I've tried the no caffeine thing too, still, no sleep. Actually, I've only been hooked on caffeine for about 5 years so that's not the problem. I even tried a no yeast diet once, and while I felt good, healthy, it didn't do a thing to help my sleep. Truly, I've tried about everything except electroshock therapy. So, I will continue to be a glutton for caffeine and sugar because I NEED it to cope, and to survive! Seriously though, bottom line, every child is different and every parent NEEDS sleep; multiple hours at one time sort of  sleep. In my case, even if it's just my normal 1-2 hours before waking up, it's still critical to survival; my survival, my kids survival, and especially the dog's survival (who is another post for another day as well). So, mommy's and daddy's, do what works for you and your family as far as sleep goes, because EVERYONE will have an opinion and there will always be those who don't agree with what you choose, but parenting is hard enough so caring about those who disagree is a waste of the precious energy I need to keep up with my two little monsters. And anyone who says parenting isn't hard as heck must have kids that sleep 10-12 hours a night "like a baby" or, they are flat out lying because there's a million other things that make it tough, but without sleep it's just plain old miserable. I'll tell ya, it's not so bad when you get some sleep though, and I know my little girl isn't going to want to cuddle with us forever.

PS- I'm in no way saying I don't appreciate all the support and advice from all my mommy's out there! I tried pretty much everything you all have suggested over the years and I thank you!!!