My Honest Imperfections

During the Days of Awe I often find myself a bit more somber than usual. Sure, I have my usual moments of dealing with my husband's addiction that bring me down but as I contemplate my actions, thoughts and especially words from the past year I get down on myself. I mean, crazy down and hard on myself.

I truly try to live in a way that will better this world, in every way I can think of. Whether it be recycling, or just not being wasteful, to teaching my children the importance of respect for all life, from trees to animals and people. I work hard to watch how I speak to people, particularly those that offend me. I work even harder to not judge people, particularly those I consider ignorant, disrespectful or outright mean spirited. I find I often do not live up to my own standards.

I know I'm harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be and while I think I need to give myself some wiggle room for being imperfect as every human is, I tend to be unforgiving of my faults. So, during these days of reflection and making amends and promises to myself and God that I will strive to do better from here on out, I find it ironic to do these things all while treating myself in the exact way I am promising not to treat others!

Every year I realize this unforgiving tendency is one of my biggest character flaws because I do not save it for myself alone but I tend to be unforgiving of most things and people who I feel have wronged me or others. Now, I'm not talking about how my husband chooses to remain ignorant of some harsh realities of our world, particularly politically charged issues, or my step dad thinking that it's too much trouble to recycle when you have people over because there's just too many cans and bottles to deal with, or always having to follow up with people who can't seem to do their jobs effectively. While these things are very frustrating and annoying, I ultimately do not believe such imperfections will make or break us as a race. While these things will all have an impact in some way or form as the ripple effects from a single persons actions can be vast, I am able to forgive these smaller imperfections in others and myself. Well, sometimes myself, but definitely others.

It's the bigger things. Hate is something I find unforgiving, which seems a bit of an oxymoron to me since not being able to forgive someone can often lead to feelings of anger, resentment and ultimately, hate towards that person, including oneself. I analyze this a lot simply for that reason. Though even just cruel or harsh words in the heat of anger...or drunkenness... or anger due to the other's drunkenness is something I dwell on, fester in really, and I can't seem to let go of these situations; to forgive.

My frustration with humanity for too often lacking compassion for others gnaws at me and I find myself unforgiving for our lack of action when it's needed most. Those who look at the homeless with disgust, who look at the mentally ill with annoyance or who judge the unemployed as a collective group of lazy people are examples that come to mind. It's the people who are intolerant of those who are different or whose views are opposing to ones own that I find unforgiving. It's being unaccepting of others whether it's because of the color of the person's skin, their religion or that they do not believe in religion. It's judging who a person loves because they are the same sex or woman's painful decision not to see a pregnancy to term. It's judging those who judge these people because their religion taught them such things are sins.

It's speaking negative of a mom who chooses to extend breast feeding or the mom that exclusively bottle feeds. It's the snide comments about how someone is dressed or considering a person who eats meat as somehow not being a decent human being for that choice. It's turning your nose up to the parents who choose to home school their children or the parents who utilize cry it out as a means to sleep train their baby. Our differences are never ending and the fact that so many people are unwilling to even try to look past these differences or to stop and think for just a few minutes as to the myriad of reasons why others make the decisions they do, believe what they believe or say the things they say often sits and stews in my brain until I become so pessimistic towards my fellow (wo)man that I start to question the point of working to be any different then this myself. A person's unwillingness to even attempt to look through the lens of those who have a varying worldview is simply unforgivable to me.

And then I remember this,
Mother Teresa has been a long time hero of mine. 

I admit I have done these unforgivable things myself. Maybe not often and by no means all of them, but I certainly have judged, I have thought others beliefs were borderline crazy and I have reacted out of anger without stopping to think first. I've thought other moms choices aren't the best, including my own, and I've been unforgiving of myself because of it. I don't always take a step back and try to understand the other side, especially at times when I know I'm right. I have this book titled 'You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right'. I've mentioned this book before but I forget which post it is. I never finished the book and only know the premise of it really, which isn't related to this post exactly, but regardless, I find the title so profound. I feel if we could all live by those words we would all find acceptance for one another, or at the very least, tolerance. First and foremost though, I need to remember to accept myself, with who I am right now and where I'm at on this journey. Only then can I truly accept and be gracious to others.

The problem is, I can't seem to forgive myself for the awful things I think and even say when my husband drinks. I asked my previous Rabbi about this last year around this time and he didn't really have an answer. He agreed that I have a right to be angry and didn't say or even insinuate that I shouldn't say mean things. But I don't think it's okay. It's not me. It's not who I am at my core, I'm not a hateful person but such hate filled, angry and mean things pour out of my mouth when my husband drinks and I can't seem to turn the faucet off once I start. My thoughts in those moments can be even more vile. Some of the things I say and think are horrible to think about anyone let alone the man I'm married to; the father of my children. Regardless of his actions or things he says, I do not have to forget who I am. I can be better.

I try to tell myself that I can't let his actions effect me or lead me down a path of choices that make me hate myself. Only then, I think if I don't get angry then it lets him off the hook so to speak. He'll think what he's doing is okay and it will get even worse. I've asked him about this catch 22 I find myself in and he tells me to get angry or he will in fact think it doesn't bother me anymore. I know him pretty well I guess. But all I can think is, how is this fair to me when I don't want to be angry anymore? I work every day to calm my anger. Part of why I wanted to do my yoga teacher training is an effort to return to the person I am so I can be a better mom; a better person. It's to release this anger that eats away at me, that will steal my happiness and my life if I let it. But he wants me to get angry at him.

I know I am only human. I know I am not perfect. I know both of these things for a fact. I actually removed thew word "perfect" from my descriptions of things or people long ago when I was in recovery for an eating disorder as a teenager. I don't expect perfection from myself, or anyone else for that matter, yet I have the hardest time applying this knowledge to these unforgiving moments that we all have. I weigh on this so often, not just during these days set aside for us Jews to reflect on such imperfections and sins and repentance. I just can't seem to find an end to this circle of anger, thinking/saying horrible things, being unforgiving of both myself and him for it and contemplating how I can do better..... It is quite exhausting all this anger and not being able to forgive and introspection stuff.  I feel a bit like I'm on a perpetual treadmill.

Obviously some things are unforgivable and in my mind, they deserve to be. I can't fathom how people can torture or brutally kill others, most especially children. I've felt hate in my heart for leaders of nations and their followers who call for the annihilation of Israel and all Jews. I've felt some people are the definition of evil, Hitler for example. Yet millions loved and followed him and agreed with him! How is that forgivable? Yet, many Holocaust survivors have said they forgive their captors, the very people who starved and tortured them and murdered their loved ones. If someone harmed one of my children, I honestly don't think I could forgive them. The problem with this way of thinking is that the act of forgiveness sets you free. Free from the anger. Anger that can be all consuming. Free from the anger that can grow into hate. Hate being something that is simply unacceptable and detrimental to our survival as individuals or collectively.

I am far from perfect. No one is. I guess that's why I can't figure out this forgiveness thing. But I know it's out there. Others can do it under much worse circumstances, so I must continue to strive for it. All I can do is keep trying. Keep remembering I'm not perfect. No one around me is perfect. I need to keep remembering my husband isn't perfect and especially remembering that my kids, who often drive me a bit bat shit crazy, are not perfect! The more I remember that we are all not perfect the more I can remember not to respond in a way that would assume we all are. In the end, I don't have the solution. I haven't found forgiveness. All I really can do is keep going to bed each night with the intent to do better tomorrow. Isn't that all any of us can do with our imperfect selves?

Saw this yesterday as I was working on this post.
How perfect!

To any members of the tribe reading this one....
Gmar Chatimah Tova  (May your final sealing in the Book of Life be good)