I've always had such gratitude for my mom deciding to have me despite being young and I'm sure having other dreams in mind before wanting to become a mother. But I'm more in awe at her ability to raise me from the age of two as a single parent. Yes, she had lots of family help but in the end she's the one who worked every single day and even picked up extra weekend or evening shifts at the paper during the holidays. She's the one who put food on the table, albeit I would never think of feeding my kids some of the stuff I grew up eating, or at least not very often! (Sorry mom, but McDonald's is pretty nasty.) She's the one who rubbed my back when I couldn't sleep, helped with school work, never missed an extracurricular activity I was involved in and saw to it that I was the first in our family to graduate from college, later going on for my Master's. I'd say she did a damn good job!
I don't remember her yelling at me even when I deserved it, and once I hit 12 years old or so I sure deserved it! Wait, I lie, she would get pretty upset if I spilt milk, but that's it. I don't remember her ever spanking me. I was smacked once, but not by her, for back talking my mom. I think I was eight and I scremed bloody murder as my mom would say. But that was it. I can't even recall her being disappointed in me, again, even when she should have been.
I do however remember her digging in the couch or car for one more quarter so we could walk across the street for a DQ ice cream. I remember going to work with her on the weekends and thinking all the office stuff I could play with was pretty cool, like label makers, which I still think are pretty cool actually. I remember her staying up late to type my high school papers I had handwritten. She could type so much faster so it was just silly for me to do it! I have a bad memory in regards to whole days or vacations and whatnot. My memories are more feelings with flashes of actual moments and for the most part I seem to recall my mom being fairly relaxed about being a mom. She's a worrier and anxious about lots of things but she always seemed calm in the mom department.
Maybe some people are just meant to be mom's. My mom wasn't perfect but she was definitely meant to be a mom. Lately, I'm feeling like maybe I wasn't.
Tonight a friend helped me feel less alone in this insanity also known as motherhood. She said, or more accurately she text, "Motherhood is not for the weak!" It was like a sigh of relief washed over me because one thing I have always known is that I am strong. It was a short lived sigh because then I thought, well, I don't feel very strong right now. I feel like going for a run along the road where the train goes by the house so I can scream as loud as I can without being heard. I feel like throwing dishes from an upstairs window. But most of all I feel like getting on Career Builder and finding a job because I'm just not sure this stay at home mom thing is for me.
This idea of working outside the home again makes me feel like there is a window of hope that these awful days filled with yelling (which I hate doing) and 15 time outs (which are clearly not very effective) and feeling like ripping my hair out of my head can be over. I just have to make the choice. It also makes me sad because all I ever wanted was to give my kids what my mom wasn't able to give me, their mommy at home until they go to school. And home when they get home from school. I feel like a failure for even considering "quitting my job".
I NEVER give up on anything when it gets tough, it's just not in my nature. I do however stop doing things I know I'm not good at or I just don't do them to begin with. You'll never see me join a volleyball league. I'm 5 foot, I mean, that would just be silly. Plus, I suck at volleyball. Though I did participate on my old Temple's team for a fundraiser last year. It wasn't my intent when I volunteered my time but it was what they needed so I (very reluctantly) thought, what the heck?! I also don't dance anymore, ever. That saying, dance like nobody's watching, yeah, not me. It took me awhile to realize it wasn't that others were simply better than me, I am just really, REALLY bad, despite taking lessons for about a decade! My problem is that I'm competitive, I like being good at things. Who doesn't? So to feel as though I'm not good at the only thing that really matters (since becoming a mom) is a crazy depressing thought.
The thing is, now that I'm a mom I have a whole new concept of what love is, the purpose of life and God's plan so to speak. So, I don't know what I would want to do other than be a mom. Nothing else seems fulfilling anymore, not even knowing I'm good at my former career. Or even feeling that it's a very fulfilling career, helping others that is. Until I became a mom it was all I ever really wanted to do, help others and make a positive difference in their lives. In effect, helping others meant changing the world, making it a better place. Now, I just want to be a positive influence in my kids lives, help them grow and learn and hopefully make their own positive impact on the world.
What I want and what I feel I am able to do don't seem to be meshing very well at the moment. Which makes me wonder, am I weak? I wouldn't trade my kids for the world, but I do wonder if I knew then what I know now if I would still have chosen motherhood. Eh, I'm sure I would have, it was just a crap ass day. BUT, I'm not so sure I would have chosen to become a stay at home mom. All I really ever wanted was to be a mom. But being a stay at home mom isn't for everyone. I thought it was until I embarked on this adventure. I thought every mom must want to stay home but some simply can't, it's not their fault. Then I met mom's or read about mom's who admitted that staying home is the last thing on earth they would want and it's not because they don't love their kids as much as the next mom, it's just not for them. I really do understand why.
Motherhood IS NOT for the weak. The strong barely survive! It's hard as hell. I know for some it's a bit easier in some ways but I'm not one of those mom's and I sure can't lie and say it's all good, or as Rylie likes to say, "I got it". I don't got it. Some mom's get to sleep, at some point anyway. I'm used to poor sleep but nearly three years of this is really showing me just how vital sleep is to maintaining one's sanity. Or at least to having enough patience to be calm through the terrible two's so you can enter the treacherous three's with a bit of energy left. I have no energy left with one in those three's and one on the brink of hitting the two's.
I'm. SO. screwed.
I may be beyond exhausted but that's what caffeine is for. I have to remind myself that I'm not weak, I'm a MOM and I'll survive. My mom survived as a single parent, with more than a decade less life experience than I have. She was and still is a great mom, even though I'm not a very good daughter to her. Maybe she survived because she wasn't a stay at home mom. Maybe she was just meant to be a mom and would have been great at it no matter what. Maybe I was just one of those exceptionally well behaved kids. I'm told I was a really good child.
I read in one of the mommy blogs I follow that some mom's are better at the baby years, some toddler, some childhood, adolescence or maybe even adulthood. Every mom has their own mommy nitch you could say. Maybe these toddler years just aren't my cup of tea and I'll turn out to be a great mom too. Time will tell. Right now, I'm just praying I don't screw them up too bad while I fight to survive these toddler years. In the meantime, more yoga and writing can't hurt... and maybe some Xanax.
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Namaste!
Jaci