Control is an Illusion

It's not everyday my husband makes an accurate observation about  me and says something that makes me stop, think and then feel a bit better. Granted, it's not everyday I get to talk to him about anything of substance either. I previously mentioned (in Truth) my fear of having potential trigger conversations, so we tend to stick to sports, tv shows we watch, his job and the kids... but not parenting decisions because those can definitely be treading in dangerous water. More like our poop conversations, silly things they do, what to feed them, schedules... We all know parenting is so much more than this, marriage is more than this, but when addiction is part of the family and you're terrified of jeopardizing recovery efforts, you hold back. Well, I hold back. So, I've been holding on to that fear in the back of my head, that fear I think most parents have at some point, if not immediately, after seeing, holding or maybe even finding out you're going to be a parent .... what will happen to her (them) if something happens to me? This may be a passing thought for some parents, some simply get their will together and don't think about it too much again, but living with an addict makes this a heart crushing fear for me, numbing even at times. Adding to the mix that I'm a Jew and our kids are being raised Jewish puts a whole new spin on the anxiety of, what will happen?

Craig and I have actually had this conversation a few times over the past couple of years, though it often results in a disagreement and/or simply ends without a decision. I completed  a will online prior to my son arriving but was a bit frustrated that they had an area for details on how I want my dog cared for but not my kids. Nope, no details of my wishes on how I want them reaied, just insert names in priority order, I mean, seriously? I guess they figure whoever you list would know your wishes but I want them written, because the written word never dies. Well, unless it's tossed or destroyed, but it makes me feel better that it's in black and white in a legal document. People are forgetful and these are MY kids! I probably could go to a lawyer and not legalzoom.com too, but that's beside the point.

So, I never did file it and that fear continued to weigh on me and it would become compounded with each drink my husband took. I'm a planner, I like things to be in order, as much as they can be anyway. Really, all you can do is plan since you never know if things will work out how you want, plan or expect them to. I could be a poster child for planning and things not quite working out as expected. Despite being a planner, I have procrastinated one of the most important things a parent needs to plan, making sure things are in order should the unthinkable happen. While I certainly don't dread or linger on thoughts of a premature death, I do worry about what would happen to my babies more often than I care to think about it. Things remind me of how fragile life is almost daily. A blog I read (have mentioned a few times) helps mom's diagnosed with cancer so I read these stories. I worked with a young mom fighting breast cancer, a former teacher with 4 young children just passed a couple months ago, I watch movies like, Life As We Know It and shows such as Law and Order SVU or Criminal Minds or heck, I read the news, and it all reminds not to take life for granted. Then every time addiction rears it's ugly face in our home that fear is at the surface again coupled with all these reminders in the back of my head.There's the obvious fear of what can happen to these two precious little beings God entrusted to me if they grow up with an active alcoholic, but it's that numbing, heart crushing fear of what will happen to them if I'm not there to protect them.

I rack my brain over and over....who will protect them, who will teach them the values I want instilled, who will raise them Jewish?

All of these things are vitally important to me and while I'm sure most could manage protecting them, even instilling most or all of the values I find important, I have no one who can do all three. So, I worry, I fear and I become anxious over something that is 100% out of my control. That's exactly what Craig made me realize; what I'm trying to do is control something I simply can't control. I'm trying to control how my kids would be raised if I couldn't be the one who raised them. Sounds even more ridiculous when I write it.

One thing recovery teaches is, you can only control your own decisions. I can't control what anyone else does and if I can't control what others do while I'm here I sure as heck can't control it if I'm gone! I honestly never even looked at this situation that has been incredibly trying for me as a control issue, until he pointed it out. It was a very freeing feeling. So, as a couple and as parents, we talked, for quite a bit, and he even had some really great ideas for me to do; concrete plans even. If I sound a bit astounded by this, it's because I was! Like I said, these serious types of conversations are not common and Craig helping me emotionally to relieve a bit of stress, fear and anxiety, versus being the source, is even less common. So, I took a deep breath.... I've needed a lot of those these past few days as I work to stop trying to control something I didn't know I was trying to control to begin with. Now, rather than worry I have been trying accept that all I can do is make a decision, express my desires as clearly as possible and pray what I want is respected by whoever we choose.

Despite the specific issue that burdens me, as I read this I see a bigger theme. This all sounds very recoveryish. I'm still not really feeling the whole Al Anon thing but what Craig said came straight from his meetings and control is certainly a common topic with my online Al Anon group. I've been to therapy myself a number of times throughout the years, I've provided therapy for others, I know these things. I know I can't control what other's do, the choices they make. Logically, I get it. But life with an addict feels so completely out of control and unpredictable nearly all of the time. For a few years I've been desperate to control anything I can, so it's still a difficult concept to grasp or more so accept, especially when it's about my kids and their future; their lives. Craig sure nailed it this time though, made me stop and think.There's still things to decide and conversations to have but maybe this recovery thing isn't so bad. I fear being hopeful which is what recovery means to me, but letting go of the illusion of control... I think I can start there.