Dear Caleb

I can't say this will be appropriate to share in it's entirety with my sweet boy but it's to him, about him and how much he is cherished so I'm going to write it that way. It's also to all those mommy's out there who have struggled with how they felt about their baby during pregnancy (and maybe even after for a bit).


My dear Caleb,
I can't believe you are ONE today! I have to admit, I'm quite proud I survived it! Some days you and your sister (more your sister) can be quite a handful. It makes me sad that time seems to go by more and more quickly the older I get, and especially since becoming a mom, but boy do I love to watch you grow everyday!  Just try not grow up on us too fast, C-love, k?

I honestly didn't know it was possibly to have this much love. I was raised as an only child. When your daddy and I decided to have another baby, and I found out about a month after that you were working on growing into that little baby, I felt a bit guilty. Rylie was only 11 months old and I felt I didn't have enough time with her, just us. She was my world and I worried how I could possibly split my time and energy but most of all my love. I had nothing to base how to do any of this on. I had all my mom's love and attention, I didn't have to share her with anyone. All I could think was, how do parents do this?!

It wasn't long after this when I accepted that daddy didn't just drink too much, he was in fact an alcoholic. I realized that there was a good chance he wouldn't be in recovery by the time you arrived. I realized he may never be and I realized I would have to go through another pregnancy without all the TLC mommy's to be deserve. I became anxious and I began to resent the decision to have you. The more I realized just how bad daddy's drinking was and just how many lies had actually been told over the past couple years, I began to feel trapped. I was pregnant, with a 1 year old, no longer employed and I had recently taken vows which I take very seriously (even if no one knew daddy and I were married yet). Feeling trapped and resenting you, because you were the easiest one to take all these mixed up emotions out on, turned into wishing I wasn't even pregnant. I just couldn't handle it all. One thought on repeat was, I can't take care of two babies on my own without a job. I just didn't know what to do.

As I felt this way on and off the entire 9 months I was desperate to feel more of a bond before you were born, I was also terrified I would suffer from postpartum depression because I was already so depressed over the situation I was in and felt I had no way out of. I felt so GUILTY. I felt I was a horrible mom and person for feeling this way about an innocent unborn baby, MY baby! Moreso, I was beside myself with fear that these feelings would still be there after you were born and I wouldn't love you. A part of me thought, well, maybe I will find a way to love him but there's no way I will love him like Rylie, because she is my baby.

I was an awful mommy. Or, I felt I was. I lost more sleep than usual over these fears and the unrelenting guilt that came along with them. I cried at nearly every OB appointment, I was so anxious I even considered medication despite being pregnant, I was rarely happy.  I was a wreck.

I did find joy in feeling you kick and move. I loved hearing you were healthy and seeing the ultrasounds. I was relieved when the prenatal tests came back good and I was overjoyed that you were a BOY! We both wanted a boy so badly. But daddy's drinking was real bad then, so I often felt the resentment more than the joy. I thought for sure with all the stress I was under you were going to come early, or at least a couple weeks before your due date. So, when you decided to hold out until your exact due date I was frustrated and oh so ready!

Like your sister, labor was pretty easy, especially since I knew what to expect. Well, I knew what to expect up until the moment you were born and I held you in my arms, because I didn't expect my heart to skip a beat when I saw you! Not literally skip a beat, but it was as if time stopped and in that instant this wave crashed over me and all that love I feared having to share was this silly concept I never thought of again. My heart grew, my love doubled and I was absolutely, without a doubt, unequivocally in love. And I was so relieved. I already had a plan with my doctor not to stay at the hospital more than 24 hours. I was nervous about your sister and wanted to get you home and start adjusting to life with two (for what felt like) on my own. Then there was the next thing I didn't expect. Your tiny sister, became this giant kid! She was so little she was still rear facing in her car seat, yet she felt like she grew double her size in those 24 hours. And, so our journey with 2 under 2 began, with my sweet little boy and my giant toddler.

You were a dream baby. You slept pretty well. Granted, you slept in the swing in our room until about 4 months because of your reflux but you slept, which made you my dream baby! In no time we saw how sweet you were. It's the only word I can find to describe you over and over. Once you started smiling that's all you did. People asked if you ever cried and always remarked how you were always smiling...and always had your tongue out :-p You were patient as your sister demanded my attention but were quick to snatch up your cuddle time. I loved every second I got to snuggle with you, still do. I told daddy not to "ruin you" so I don't think you got as much bonding time with him as sister did. He only knows how to fly and throw you guys around and I wanted to keep you sweet and gentle and not turn you into a little wild child like sister is. I think it worked, or maybe you were just born this way, but sweet you remain and I don't think that will change. Some day, many, many, MANY years from now, you will make one lucky lady very happy.

Until then, I don't care if daddy calls you a mama's boy because you are my sweet little boy! Love is simply not near a strong enough a word to describe how my heart melts when I see you. Your smile lights up my life and gives me hope. My heart breaks when I hear you cry because my smiley, sweet boy never cries so I think something really awful must have happened. Daddy reminds me, "he's fine". I could hug you and kiss those little cheeks all day and at night when you fall asleep on my shoulder...that must be a bit of what heaven feels like. I'm sure of it. I never dreamed this is what having two children would be like, but I sure am happy you filled my heart with more love than I knew was possible, just when I needed it most. Don't ever let anyone tell you different, everything happens for a reason, everything. You are a true blessing my love. You fill my heart with joy and this joy gives me hope. Please always know that you are loved and cherished and always will be.

My dear sweet boy, Happy 1st Birthday!

May you be blessed with many more and a lifetime of memories to cherish as much as I have cherished your first year.

playing at the park on actual birthday