I WORK, I WORK!

I started my blog with a post about admiring people who walk the walk and don't just talk the talk. I then followed up with a preachy sort of post. While I made sure to include that I am far from perfect, because I'm not, the things I preached are all values I hold dear and truly strive to live by day to day. As such, I often (sometimes multiple times per day) reflect on how not only my actions but also my thoughts/self talk are meshing with these values.  Because really, negative thoughts send out just as much negative energy as actions do. I think so anyway. So, the other day when I was filling out a survey and I became extremely agitated when asked if I was a, "student, employed or unemployed" and my head when into overdrive screaming... I WORK, dammit, I WORK, I thought that might be a good time to reflect on why this question continually makes me so annoyed, even angry.

My chatter immediately was rambling on about how I work harder now than I ever did when I was employed. At least when I was employed I got a break from my current "job" when I left the house to go to work. Now my job is a 24/7, 365 days per year with no vacation, EVER. I lie, in the past 31 months I have had 2 days worth of vacation (zero days since becoming a mom of two nearly a year ago). There are many reasons for this....see future posts. So, while I'm fully aware the basis of being "employed" implies getting a monetary paycheck on a regular basis I don't see why I can't check employed just because I get paid irregularly through giggles, heartbreaking smiles and hearing my oldest child tell her baby brother, "I love you" for the first time. Which, by the way, happened the night this reflection began! But, my angry chatter wasn't alleviated by this thought as I got the overwhelming desire to yell, Hey, until I had kids I had a job and/or was a student every day since I was 16 years old! And quite a few times I didn't even get paid for this work! (internships and Americorps) Not to mention babysitting jobs since I was 12. My brain took a break from the defensive screaming at, well, at no one really, and I realized that checking unemployed makes me feel like I'm lazy or should be doing more, or more so, I feel like others think I am lazy for being unemployed. Some of you may think I'm overreacting, maybe I am, it wouldn't be the first time, but this actually happens more than an employed person may realize (more than I realized when I was able to check one of the other options anyway). Every application I fill out; medical, insurance, surveys for whatever, even the First Baby Study I participate in asks this question. Actually, that study asks if I'm happy with my employment status, or maybe it's if I'm currently seeking employment, either way, ahhhhhhh, (screaming at no one commences again)  now I'm really lazy because I don't even care to find employment! I swear people, I WORK!

Since I realize this frustration is coming from my annoyance at what others may think of me, I wonder how I may have always thought of people who are unemployed to bring about this reaction. Since I try very hard not to judge people, even if just in my head, this concerns me and I'm back to thinking, damn, I'm one of those talk the talk people again. I am in no way insinuating that people who are unemployed are lazy, truly, I don't believe this, I'm not a Republican.... dammit, there's that judgement and negative energy, is it still negative energy if it made me giggle a bit? Seriously though, I realize not EVERY person of a certain political party believes the exact same things so it is an unfair blanket judgement to make. (I'm trying, really I am) As usual, I digressed....  Anyway, back to what I think of those who are unemployed. There are many reasons for being unemployed and I believe most are legit (many these days are very sad stories) but I'm also realistic and know that many people do associate unemployment with laziness or a lack of desire to work and that must be where my possible overreaction to this question is stemming from.  I quietly process this for a moment... And the first thing that comes to mind is the image of a man standing on a corner at a stop light holding a sign that says "help, will work for food" or something along those lines.  I always wonder what his story is, if it's a sad one, or if he's scamming people. My heart tells me it's probably a sad one but I've been "trained" to believe it's some sort of scam and they will use the money for drugs or alcohol. I'm usually home, unaware of my commute, by the time I let these thoughts go...until next time.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this being what I first think of when I think of the word unemployed and my brain takes a bit of a turn, but still with those images. I remember my first trip to NYC, before they "cleaned up the streets". I was overwhelmed by the homeless (unemployed) and would have gone broke giving everyone a dollar had my friends not pointed out my naivety. I can't remember giving money to the homeless since (though I'm sure "my bleeding heart" has at some point since 1997).  I did however give food to the homeless when I lived in Miami, where I was also overwhelmed by the homeless population.There was this amazing pizza place that gave you way too much to eat in one sitting and it was cut in squares so I would leave the two or so pieces I couldn't eat by someone who was sleeping under a palm tree on my way to work or home. I also remember working around the holidays, it may have been Christmas. A coworker and I packaged up all the left over food into about 10-12 containers (I worked at TGI Fridays) and we walked around after work until they were all gone. It was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. The eyes (of those who were awake) lit up with genuine gratitude. It's making me smile just remembering those eyes as I think of this long lost memory. It also makes me remember that I'm not such a bad person, even if I do struggle with "always" walking the walk. (Always is in quotes because all encompassing words like that simply don't exist)

Despite realizing that my desire to shout at these people, I WORK, I WORK comes more from my fear of what others think of me, I also realize it equally stems from what I think of myself. Deep down I do feel like I should be doing more than being a stay at home mom. I don't think I should feel guilty for feeling that way, but I do. That relentless mommy guilt my friends requires another post, or two, or ten, so for now my solution.... I think there should be a "stay at home mom" option to check on those forms so all of us who work our asses off all day, every day, don't have to go through this debate which leads to guilt (irrational guilt or not) for doing what I still believe (despite feeling I should be doing more) is THE MOST important job there is.

My most recent paycheck....

New thought based on a recent status update on Facebook....Maybe I should start a change.org petition, Include SAHM as a viable "work" option, even for resume updates when/if we return to work outside of the home....Would you sign it?