Yes, last week I saw that Time magazine cover, you know the one that has virtually every mom in an uproar and pedophiles collecting the edition by the dozens? Yup, that one. I refuse to give it more publicity so if you haven't seen it just google "Time" or "extended breastfeeding" or "attachment parenting" or something along those lines and you won't have a problem finding it, along with hundreds of other articles and blog posts about it. I haven't had a chance to give my two cents until now because I thought Mother's Day and mommy love was more important to focus on than the grand scale mommy judging this cover and title has thrust upon us once again. But, yes, I am jumping on the bandwagon now. Sorry, but it sparked too deep of emotions for me not to weigh in.
Everything I have read seemed to focus on the same things that were appalling to me... the cover sexualizing the beautiful and natural act of breast feeding, the title pittitng moms against one another, even prompting mommy guilt feelings in some, and the overall misconception that the combination of the two elicited, all for the sake of making a profit, go capitalism!
So let me tell you my story first because the way I see it, if every mom keeps sharing their style of parenting, or for me an eclectic hodgepodge of styles, then maybe we can all learn and grow and stop focusing on these one word parenting styles which, unless you are very rigid, no one really does by the book anyway. AND THEN maybe, just maybe, we can STOP CRITICIZING each other for how we choose to parent. There are countless styles of parenting because every parent has their own way that works for their own kids. It can even be different with each kid and no one way is right or wrong. I have a book called, You Don't Have To Be Wrong For Me To Be Right. It's book about faith (without fanaticism), but I LOVE the title, because it's a profound idea for situations like this as well.
My parenting style started out guided by all the books and after struggling against nature a bit and realizing that the baby is each parent's own book I found my own way. I tried wearing both of my babies. Rylie hated the sling and after accepting this fact I resold it on eBay a couple months after buying it there. Though both liked the baby bjorn, it was used to help me get things done around the house more so than as a way to always have my baby touching me. I also tried baby massage to help Rylie sleep. Granted, in the past nearly three years I've tried EVERYTHING, except a sleep doctor and tranquilizers, to help Rylie sleep.
I breast fed both my babies their first year, having to supplement with my daughter at 11 months when I became pregnant with my son. I extended breast feeding with my son to about six weeks past his first birthday. Just six weeks but man, it was obvious some people thought there was something wrong with that, though no one said anything outright. He was 13 and 1/2 months, not 13 years old, geesh. Actually some people thought it was odd I breast fed exclusively all along. Or they didn't understand and thought it was a problem that my son would refuse bottles. Someone actually asked me how he eats since he wouldn't take a bottle! This exclusively breast feeding thing was as odd to them as it is odd to me that people choose to not feed their baby with what nature made exclusively for them, rather than something formulated in a lab. But just because I find something odd and I don't understand, it doesn't mean I judge those who choose this! I have lots of friends who didn't breast feed and they are all great mom's and I don't think negatively about them for their choice because that's what it is, a choice. There's a ton of reasons why mother's make every choice they do and there's just no room for judging these decisions, unless a parent is actually hurting their child and in that case I have a problem with it.
I should mention, my kids really don't ever get sick. A couple colds is it. Because I breast fed? Who the heck knows. But it was part of why I made this choice, along with all the other research that proves the benefits of breastfeeding....but I won't go on my why to breast feed tangent right now. The point is, for those who never did, don't have kids or just don't get it... the picture on the cover of Time is not what breast feeding looks like. It's not sexual, despite what any of Freud's crazy cocain induced theories may have you believe... it's just not. Period.
Some might say, of course she says that she's one of those attachment parenting crazy mom's. Ummm, nope, not really. We also Ferberized our daughter and to a lesser extent our son, who figured out the sleeping thing on his own pretty early on. We went by the book, the other book that is, for sleep training Rylie. I was not into the whole cosleeping thing, no way my kid was going to end up in our bed until she was five or something "crazy" like that. (umm, yeah) Anyway, she always went down awake, we never fed her to sleep, we never picked her up once she was in her bed but would rub her back and leave, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, extending the returns longer and longer. Nothing worked so we tried every other book and advice that rolled in too. After a really bad bout of sleepless nights around the start of this year she started sleeping with us... at 2 and 1/2 years old we started cosleeping, oy vey! Both of these scenarios, cry it out and cosleeping, I'm sure face great criticism from many, but I don't care. We did what we thought would help establish good sleep habits for a very poor sleeper and then ultimately what was best for our sanity.
Our son, on the other hand, slept in a swing for 3 months and then his bed. I would pick him up because I was terrified of him waking his sister...when she was actually asleep. I nursed him to sleep too. A no-no for some of "the books". At times I nursed to get him to sleep when his reflux was bad because breast milk is a natural antacid, but mostly just because it was easier for me and he enjoyed it and would go right to sleep, usually. Now if he wakes up and we try to bring him in our room he won't have it. He wants his bed. Just goes to show how EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT and your parenting style needs to adapt to their different temperaments. The whole nature versus nurture debate leans towards the side of nature in our house! Of course I always leaned more towards the nature side from my studies, my kids simply proved my hypothesis for me.
All this said, do I think it's odd for a mom to breast feed through toddlerhood and upwards of four (or older), like the little boy on the Time cover? Yes, actually, I do. Do I judge these moms? No. It's just not my thing, I weaned when I did because I wanted to be able to leave the house before 7:30pm, maybe go away for a weekend or a night for the first time in over two years, I wanted my life back, a bit. Now my son and I cuddle as we read a story and say his prayer but I don't have to be the one to put him to bed.
I know a mom who extended nursing because her son was allergic to everything and until they figured out what he could have it was safest for him to get the vital nutrients breast milk provides. Would she have extended anyway? Maybe. I never asked, but who cares? Now, I'm not judging this mom on the cover, or I'm desperately trying not to. She didn't design the photo shoot or approve the image for the world to see. She's defending it, but really, can you blame her? We can't say how we would respond if we were in her position and the world was judging us. Some have even claimed she's sexually molesting her son for doing something millions of mom's throughout the non westernized world do every day! In the end, the cover made it's point. Extended breastfeeding exists. They also made it seem less okay than society already perceives it to be despite having their chance to help normalize it... what a damn shame.
I should also point out I'm not personally a fan of public breast feeding. I just don't feel comfortable, but if my baby was hungry and I didn't have a cover or more accurately my baby would pull the cover off because it was distracting, I still fed them. Why wouldn't I? The fact that some states still ban mommy's from doing this is so unfathomable to me I can't even comment more on it. The fact that nursing sit ins are even a necessity because of the discrimination so many have faced for feeding their babies in public is despicable. It makes me wonder how we have come so far as a society with so many living in a bubble of ignorance.
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| a breast feeding flash mob |
Moving on... because there's the still the title to contend with and that really got my blood boiling too... Are You Mom Enough? OMG! Seriously, Time? How many people sat around the table and agreed to this title that really should have said... Hey, mom's who don't nurse should question their motherliness and those who can't should feel more guilty and those who do should criticize those who don't and those who extend should feel superior to all.... until they see the picture and then just feel embarrassed that is. That's what they meant to say but that wouldn't have sold as many magazines I guess. How many of those people who decided on this title are actually moms, how many breast fed their babies, how many extended breast feeding? If even one, shame on them. But still, I wasn't there and maybe it was too hard to stand up to those who thought it was a brilliant selling strategy. Maybe they feared being fired, discriminated against, mocked, who knows... but it happened and Time made their money. It was a brilliant selling strategy, I'll give them that!
I won't read the article because I refuse to give Time any more money for this. I have read snip-its from other articles and it seems it really wasn't all that enlightening as far as the attachment parenting and extended breast feeding goes. Given that, as far as I'm concerned, Time dropped the ball on an opportunity for what could have been a very eye opening article about bringing moms together and helping us be more accepting of one another's choices. As a mom who wishes this was the way of the world and works to not judge the choices other mom's make, I take this personally, as an attack on all of us. They managed to make attachment parenting look even more wacky to the outsider by sexualizing extended breast feeding, they set back what I felt was a subtle turn for mom's accepting one another's differences and they fueled the fire of ignorance that makes breast feeding taboo rather than beautiful, all with one magazine cover, unreal.
So, all that's left to say is this...
Dear Time magazine,
You can shove this appalling cover up what one might call, your proverbial ass. Thank you.
Sincerely,
A Mom Who IS Enough
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Namaste!
Jaci