The thing is, I'm not very good with expressing my emotions. Sometimes my writing will overtake me and I can make people laugh and/or cry and maybe feel a bunch of other emotions too, but verbally, I really suck at saying how I feel. I've never been quite sure what I want to express to my daughter. How important it is to me that she be Jewish, not just by blood and birthright but by celebrating the traditions that make our heritage so meaningful to me? How important it is to be strong and stand up for what you believe in? I haven't done a fabulous job of that lately so it's tough to tell my baby to do this and not feel a bit like a hypocrite. Granted, I haven't done a real stand up job at celebrating all the joys of being a Jew lately either so....what do I want to say to her...... Hopefully my fingers will just figure it out because... if not now, when?
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My Dear Rylie
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write my 'note to baby'. It's not that I wasn't instantly smitten by you and that freakishly full head of hair on such a teeny tiny little being....
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| 10 days old and ALL that hair! |
It's more that I just found myself overwhelmed by the first six weeks of motherhood and then time seemed to get away from me, especially after your brother came along less than 19 & 1/2 months later! You'll find that once you keep putting something off then it just seems silly to do it after the point. But this Mother's Day I realized it's never silly to tell you how loved you are, how special you are and how I can't even begin to imagine my life without you in it. It's never too late for that.
There are so many things I want you to know and learn, so much I dream you will be. Strong, loving, compassionate, giving, honest, respectful, smart, beautiful in every way that really matters. I want you to reach for the stars and never give up. I won't say you can be anything you want because I always found that saying a bit ridiculous. I'm sorry babe but it's very doubtful you'll play in the WMBA someday, though I guess you could be in the guinness book of world records for shortest professional basketball player, who knows. (Great) Pap sure would be proud if that happened! And since our space program is pretty much a thing of the past, becoming an astronaut that flies to the moon is a long shot too, but maybe anything else you dream of. The point is to dream and hope and fight to make your dreams come true.
Most of all I wish you to be happy. Happiness can be a fickle thing sometimes. You might think, if only I had (insert pretty much anything you can think of here) then I would be happy. But really, the secret to happiness comes from within. Once you find happiness in yourself, with who you are, then the happiness is there no matter what you have or who you have to share in this adventure of life with. Find that happiness, embrace it with all you've got, bottle it up and keep it close, because life is hard and there are lots of bumps in the road but that bottle of happiness will keep you strong and moving down the right path that's meant just for you.
Don't believe everything you hear. Friends don't always know best and I know this is hard to believe but I won't always have the right answer! Ask questions, search for the truth, follow your heart but use your head. While family is blood know that every family has issues. If someone isn't healthy for you and you find that bottle of happiness slipping from your embrace it's okay to let that person go their own way, no matter who they are. Daddy and I want nothing more but for you to enjoy your life and be happy so it's okay, I promise, it'll be okay. But you have to believe too.
You have to believe in yourself and believe in God, or at least in something greater than you. Though I would prefer for that be God. Just know that there is meaning to life. You may think you found it when you have your first crush and the world seems to stop all around you and your heart skips a beat every time you see this person. This is close but not quite it. You may think you know what life is all about when you graduate high school because everyone knows everything when they graduate high school. You may think, again, that you really figured it out as you walk the same streets mommy and daddy did at Penn State. But please, as you figure out the meaning of life in college just remember one thing... I never, ever want to hear the details of how you came to such conclusions about life, unless of course you found them in the classroom... the classroom, yes, that's where you will find your answers! Tell me all about how you go to every class every day and study all night because that's what mommy and daddy did at Penn State.
As you search and find and search again, just please remember how I asked you to follow your heart but use your head. I hope you'll remember everything I tell you and teach you but if you do forget, just remember that one thing and how much you are loved... and you'll be okay.
For me, I found that the meaning of life is as simple as it is profound. It's love. Pure and simple, love. Love for yourself and others, for humanity. But ultimately for me, you are that meaning. You and your brother. Love for your child is something that I can't put into words. It's like that first crush, times a million. Because in an instant everything changes. Everything you've ever wanted and dreamed of somehow changes. Nothing can prepare you, my words can't, books can't, having your own baby grow inside you can't, nothing can until you hold that tiny little being in your arms and look in her eyes. That's when the meaning of life hit me, like a gush of wind on a hot day that blows life directly into your soul, it hit me when you entered my world.
I want the world for you but I'll try to refrain from pushing all I want on you because you need to find your own path and your own meaning of life and your own happiness. All I can do is hold your hand and guide you along the way and pray you'll hold on tight until your ready to let go... and then come back for some love and guidance as needed.... and again when I need you to hold my hand.
PS- I also hope you are blessed with a daughter someday. You'll understand why I added this when that daughter is your age now my love, you'll understand.
The day you were born is the day God decided the world could not exist without you.
~ Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
PS- I also hope you are blessed with a daughter someday. You'll understand why I added this when that daughter is your age now my love, you'll understand.
That was very sweet! And I agree, though I've never thought it before, it *is* very much like a crush times a million.
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