Progress, slow and steady

I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming and be prepared. I tend to look five steps ahead no matter how mundane the task. I get annoyed when someone goes in a room knowing they need something and then goes back later rather than planning ahead and getting everything at once. Not forgetting, everyone forgets things sometimes, but efficiency, I like efficiency. I like organization too, I feel anxious when things feel chaotic. I think all these things so hand in hand for the most part. If you're a parent then you might see where I'm going with this... this type of personality, some may call it a type A personality, can be a bit challenging as a stay at home mom with very young children. Wish someone would have warned me that my go go personality may not be a great fit for this job! While kids can be predictable and you often need to be able to see five steps ahead to prevent disasters, kids also mean being able to adapt because you never know what might happen next! They also mean learning how to let go, relax, go with the flow if you're a bit of a control freak.

I used to be AWFUL with adapting when things I had "perfectly" planned changed without notice, even when it wasn't anyone's fault and the end result wasn't that big of a deal. Since I'm a planner and multitasker I tend to be juggling A LOT of balls at once. If you're like this too then you know what happens when one falls, the whole world comes crashing down, yup, the whole entire world. That's what it used to seem like anyway. I did a lot of work on trying to be able to adapt more easily without it feeling like life would just end if one piece of my puzzle was out of place. I came a long way before having kids, good thing too!

Sometimes I forget though, and sometimes I start to feel that anxiety creep up when I see my master plans starting to spiral. Master plan spiraling for a mommy to a toddler tends to go something like this... I convince Rylie to take her pj's off, get her dressed, shoes on, I go to get the baby gates rearranged to block my psycho dog from certain areas of the house, and put the baby's coat on just in time to make it to wherever we need to be on time, only to find Rylie with her pants off, shoes and socks off, demanding something or another.  I often yell at this point. Yelling doesn't help get a toddler to cooperate, sometimes it results in tears but with my toddler usually it results in laughing which just pisses me off more. I get her ready again, often through some sort of bribery and a lot of frustration on my part. I think my master plan is still going to work out, go to pick up the baby and smell something funky. I swear they plan their poops just to annoy me. We finally get out the door and I must look like a mad woman by now. This is why I don't go anywhere! This is why I try to schedule appointments during a very narrow time frame so we have enough time, preparing for all sorts of possibilities like a bad night sleep, which means they might sleep in, and the last thing I want to do is wake Rylie early after a sleepless night! A whiney and demanding 2 year old on no sleep is even worse than a non cooperating one when you need to be somewhere. Of course, planning appointments for my "perfect" narrow window of what I perceive to be, the path of least distress for getting out the door, is not always possible. So, lately I have found myself avoiding making appointments when I am usually on top of my preventative health care, but that's besides the point. This was just a tangent of why I forget how far I've come in my "go with the flow" self growth work I've done over the years.

My point is that I had a proud moment this week in remembering how far I have come in my ability to adapt. Our day was going beautifully. My typical schedule was flawless, which always makes me happy and more as ease. More at ease = nice and mellow mommy, by the way. Basically, I was juggling all those balls like a pro and felt like it. An image of an ape in the forest pounding on his puffed out chest comes to mind. Yes, I felt like queen of the mommy's because my master plan was unfolding smoothly and it was nearly nap time, not because I did something extra awesome like get my daughter potty trained. It's the little things, really. (No she's not trained yet) Then... Crash. Literally.

The baby had eaten lunch before Rylie, this isn't usual but like I said, I'm much better at adapting than I used to be. Anyway, I was bringing in Rylie's food while juggling my freshly reheated coffee, because who has time to finish it when it's hot the first time? Caleb was reaching up on the dining room table and had his little fingers on the place mat which had my full cup of water and his open cup of milk, because the only way I could get him to drink his milk was in an open cup with a straw. With my hands full, I leaped through the air to stop what was sure to be the end of my perfectly planned day. Okay, I didn't exactly leap, but I moved really fast... not fast enough as my cup of water came crashing down, I did save the milk though. Saving the milk meant some of my coffee poured into one of the sections on Rylie's plate. My initial thought was, shit, now what the hell am I going to do, her lunch is ruined, this is awful, what a mess, dammit, my day sucks, everything sucks! BUT, I stopped myself, set everything down, halted Rylie from running through the massive puddle in the dining room, moved the baby out of the puddle, grabbed her pizza out of the coffee, dried it off, wiped out the plate, put the pizza back and gave it to her. 5 second rule, right? Same difference, close enough, she didn't say anything so I guess it tasted fine. I grabbed a towel from the bathroom that needed washed anyway and cleaned up the puddle, thinking, hmmm, maybe I can get away with not mopping this week. Now that is going with the flow! As I cleaned everything up, including changing Caleb's wet pants, I thought, man, this writing must really be helping, normally I would have lost it and over what, some spilled water? Okay, when I went into the kitchen to grab a paper towel to clean the coffee off of Rylie's pizza I did say "dammit", a bit loudly and a bit frustrated but that was it! Progress. Not to mention, both kids actually listened to me during my frantic but emotionally calm execution of my impromptu action plan.

So, I figure if I can make progress on being able to calmly deal with situations that there is no need to get worked up over and I can just pick up all those balls and start my juggling act again and remain a nice mommy all at the same time, then eventually I will be able to deal with Craig's relapses a bit more calmly as well. Eventually I'll be a better support rather than well, mean and unforgiving. Like the water crashing down on a smooth sailing day, I can't plan for what day or night I may be crushed by a lie or a bottle of vodka. One thing is for sure, no matter how much of a planner I am, no matter how good I am at my juggling act, no matter how well I can multitask, be efficient or see five steps ahead so I can react in advance of looming chaos, I can not control things that are out of my control. I can adapt and learn not to overreact though. Good thing I have these little ones to help me practice my adapting skills everyday!