Tiptoeing and Outrage

I wasn't going to write about this quite yet because it seems everyone and their mother has put in their two cents over the past month, but the chatter won't subside and keeps growing louder each day so here's my take on the killing in Florida, of a boy whose name we sadly all know for the wrong reason. "Teen" or not, he was still a boy, a child, someone's child and now he's gone and his family and friends are left with him as the poster child for how much work we all have left to do.

I'm glad I couldn't find a picture that I wasn't worried about a copyright infringement last night because I was able to read more today and sit back for a minute and think... and I kicked myself as I thought, wait a minute, I'm doing exactly what I asked others not to do a few months ago, judge, without all the facts. I have been judging based on the media's 'guilty before proven innocent' way of reporting that seems the way of the world now with how quickly information can go viral. So... what if this 28 year old man with a good 100 pounds on this 17 year old teen was assaulted? What if... well, my first take is to say, dude, learn to fight, you can't take on a kid without feeling your life is in jeopardy, without shooting him dead? Well then you sure as heck shouldn't be the self appointed neighborhood watch man, at the very least! And, if you truly couldn't fight back enough to run away until the police arrived, then shoot in the leg for crying out loud! Don't kill a kid with his whole life ahead of him over a fist fight! Of course, that's not possible because to shoot someone you have to have the opportunity to grab the gun from wherever you have it and pull the trigger. Hard to do if you aren't free to run. Either way, last I checked, the punishment for assault is not the firing squad, it's probably not even jail time. A police officer would have been charged with excessive force, so why isn't a self appointed watchman at least taken in for extensive questioning? Our system once again has shown it's flaws but the officers who let Zimmerman walk away from this crime I feel showed their prejudice, even racism, possibly more than Zimmerman...IF what Zimmerman says holds any truth to it.

All that said, we are still tiptoeing around the bigger issue because people are still too worried to dig in deep and talk about our stereotypes and prejudices and what those beliefs and images in our minds can lead to. They lead to people, police, walking away from a killing because the kid who was killed was black. Because they are told that black kid was the assailant, so it must be true.

Unlike many, and this may draw some harsh criticism, I was not outraged by the actual act of this boy being killed. I should say, my outrage was no more so than any child who is killed. From what I've read, this seems to be true for many, especially minorities, who see this crime as nothing new, and they are right. This isn't anything new. Perhaps being a Jew and regularly hearing of murders of Jews all around the world simply for being born a Jew has desensitized me in some ways to killings based on "isms", like it has desensitized people of color and other minorities. It happens whether those of the dominant culture (whoever that is, based on where you live) believe it or not. It happens. Perhaps it's my pessimism that says, this is simply a part of our human race, and it always has been. Does it make it okay that this is the way it is? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Does it make me sick to my stomach and does it make my heart ache and even wonder sometimes why I wanted to bring children into this world, a world that creates people capable of murdering children? Yes. But was I more outraged than any other time? No.

When I hear of kids being killed because of an "ism" it's hard for me not to picture the stories I read of SS officers pulling babies from their mothers arms to use as target practice or throwing them in the fire. It's difficult for me not to think, if I were born in one of my great grandparent's countries of origin, during the time of WWII, I could have just as easily been one of those mother's watching this horrific scene rather than reading about it. This was NOT OKAY. I remember my Native American anthropology class and learning of how small pox were intentionally introduced into their villages. My heart aches for all who suffered but I really think of the children, and it's NOT OKAY. I remember the videos from my American History class of Africans being violently snatched, taken from their families forever, and being brought to America, forced into slavery and the monstrous acts committed against them for centuries after. Monstrous acts committed against children. This was NOT OKAY. It's hard not to think outside of the US too, of things like the Tutsi children slaughtered in Rwanda and the Kurds in Iraq. I think of the Sudanese being murdered and now starving, acts committed by their own people and their president is still in charge despite the world knowing what is going on. This is NOT OKAY. The list is endless. Nearly every person's history has a horrid story of how humans can be the furthest thing from humane and no one can judge whose suffering has been worse. As far as I'm concerned, when such unimaginable acts are committed against anyone it is simply, NOT OK.

So, I've been trying to figure out why different groups of people are reacting in various forms of outrage. I wonder how many white people actually believed that racism was a thing of the past, for the most part. I wonder if they are outraged over the realization that while America has come far since the introduction of slavery four centuries ago and we have even come a long way since the start of the civil rights movement less than 60 years ago, we clearly have a LONG way to go. I wonder if it's solely the perceived lack of justice, even if Zimmerman was assaulted, there remains a lack of justice because the punishment far outweighed the crime. Is it the reaction of others, particularly those blaming the victim or what he was wearing that has led to such astounding media attention for something that is far from a solitary act of violence against a black teen? Maybe it's a combination of it all.

There are miles left to walk and many mountains left to claw our way up to eradicate the deeply rooted stereotypes we all have. Many of these stereotypes then translate into prejudices against both those who are different than us as well as our own people. From there, some, more than anyone really wants to admit or believe, transfer that prejudice into an "ism" and then some extremists take those 'isms, formulated on irrational beliefs that society and maybe our own families have embedded into our beliefs and they act as irrationally as their beliefs. And people die. For no reason. Except I believe there is a reason for EVERYTHING, even this.

So lets take off the ooooh, ah, I shouldn't say that, kid gloves and start talking about the prejudices, the 'isms, the media and socially embedded messages we all think about in regards to damn near every type of person, including those within our own race, religion, ethnicity... Why don't we stop debating about the validity verses insanity of hoodies killing people and start talking about how we can change the perception everyone (who isn't black, latino or from a lower socio economic neighborhood) has when they see a minority in a hoodie? Well, let's stop talking about hoodies in a minute, because while I wasn't anymore outraged by this crime against humanity as I am about all crimes against humanity, I am outraged by anyone saying the way this boy was dressed was as much to blame for his death as the human being that pulled the trigger. I am outraged by some of the comments I have read after the myriad of articles about hoodies, comments that support such rationalizations. I considered inserting one that has been particularly distressing to make my point but I decided against it because I am a firm believer that hate of any sort, even repeating someone else's hate, merely perpetuates hate.

Back to putting a warning label on hoodies... which I have about 5 of in my closet. So, I guess I better get on that. Oh wait, my skin is not the color that requires a warning label, I'm safe. Seriously though, I do get Geraldo's ridiculous point. Yes, I said I get it. I also get it when people say women shouldn't dress provocatively lest they put themselves at risk for rape. I can see where these people are coming from, as seriously misguided as they are at an attempt to make their point, I get their point. It's about perception and prejudices and the reality that we all have perceptions that lead to stereotypes and even prejudice, and if we aren't careful to examine where such perceptions stem from and uphold our core beliefs we could end up formulating an 'ism of our own. EVERYONE is capable of formulating an 'ism because there is always someone lower on the totem pole than you are, well, unless you are at the bottom of the pole but everyone has a different idea of who that person looks like.

So blacks need a warning label on their hoodies.... okay, well, why don't we tell black women not to choose braids for their hair style and Muslim women to put a warning label on their hijab and the men on their turbans, and Indian women may need a warning when they adorn a bindi. Maybe Hasidic Jews should cut their peyot and Native American men their long hair. Should observant Jews should put a big yellow star on their kippot just to make sure everyone sees their "may be killed" warning label? Everyone has something they wear or are adorned with that triggers a stereotype and even prejudice in others. Everyone. Even a white man in overalls or a three piece Armani suit stirs a stereotype. People are all bent out of shape about Geraldo's ridiculous way of making a point. I won't lie, I'm a bit bent out of shape about it myself, but why aren't  we bent out of shape about that part of what he is saying that is true? People have ingrained, irrational stereotypes embedded into the images in their brains of what makes people threatening, unlikable, undesirable, for whatever reason. This is what we need to change, and you don't change stereotypes by telling those who are different to change who they are so we can feel more comfortable being around them. No matter who the "we" and "them" are.

How do we do this? We teach. We systematically remove these images that are associated with fear and intolerance and irrational judgements. We no longer tolerate the images society depicts because those images have a lasting impression, on myself included. This is why I love the hoodie movement that the African American community has taken. Well, many have participated but in reality the negative perception of the hoodie only pertains to people of color and those living in lower SES neighborhoods, regardless of race. Because, lets face it, a lot of people view Eminem as a menace. I love these hoodie rally's because it goes against what society has taught everyone to expect in a situation of blatant racism without justice being served. What did people expect? Riots and violence. Because what else would a black man do when wronged? (I'm being sarcastic in case that wasn't clear) I am well aware, as are many others, that all black men are not violent just like all white men are not racist, yet this image image of violence still comes to mind even for me because I picture the riots media embedded in my brain after MLK's assignation and the Rodney king beating. These hoodie rally's are the exact change in perception our society needs.

Caleb in his PSU hoodie

What we need is much more than these rally's though, and it isn't just white Americans who need a systematic desensitization of centuries old stereotypes. Such prejudices exist within the same groups of people. Just because I am a Jew doesn't mean I don't have the same stereotypes about Jews ingrained in my head as the non Jew. I know them, I think them, and I have certain perceptions when I see some Jews even if I know they aren't usually true. Let's face it, most stereotypes are based on at least a partial truth.

Judgements are made within racial groups as well and it's easier because unless you have lost your sight everyone can see color. Blacks, particularly from lower income areas, who do well in school or pursue higher education or who "don't talk black" are looked down upon by their peers for "acting white". I've heard stories in my multicultural classes that lighter skinned African Americans can be made to feel less black or like they have less of a right to be a part of their culture by their peers. Same goes for Latinos. I've seen this from both of these races firsthand. It's difficult to keep these children excited about learning and wanting more from their life than to fall into the stereotypes that exist when so many of their peers look down on them for wanting such things. Yes, I'm talking about those stereotypes people think when they hear "minority from a low income area" which include drug use, teen pregnancy, unemployed, criminal behavior, welfare... The same things that can (but don't always) occur anywhere you have poverty. The images we have are because statistics do not lie. Statistics don't tell the whole story either.

So, lets get real. Our prisons are filled with minorities. It's the truth. Is it because of their skin color? NO. Crimes tend to be perpetuated by those who are under-educated, under the influence and/or have low financial resources. Minorities tend to fit into these categories because, this is a societal issue not a color issue. You will find the same conditions in lower SES neighborhoods no matter what color the person's skin is, no matter what country you are in. Desperation is desperation and ignorance is ignorance and the message that it's a black thing stems from centuries of such messages being ingrained in our society. If it took that long for these messages to be a part of who we are as a society it's going to take quite some time to erase these messages. Human beings do inhumane things, all types of human beings do inhumane things. It's being realistic to take precaution. It's turning your stereotype into a prejudice and maybe even an 'ism when you shoot and kill an unarmed teenage boy, nearly half your size, because you think he's up to no good, because he's black...and wearing a hoodie...even if he assaulted you.

So, no, this killing isn't my outrage. My outrage is that we continue to allow ingrained stereotypes to turn into prejudice, to turn into 'isms, to turn into hate to turn into kids being killed and then we perpetuate these very same stereotypes by creating a circus over a comment that a certain type of clothing is responsible for all of it. I think, when will we ever learn? All I can come up with is, NOW, because everything happens for a reason and this must to be that reason. So let's stop tiptoeing around and talk about the actual prejudices we have and finally, finally, work on eliminating those images from the minds of the next generation.

Looking for More

When I used to write I always felt it was my way of talking to God. My thoughts were private, just for me and God. I used to wonder who would read my journals when I was gone. I wondered what they would think of me and the kind of a person I was, if they never knew me that is, like my great grandchild or something. Then I worried about what they would think! Which is why I decided, if I ever actually make my will, that I want my journals buried or cremated with me. I don't want anyone to read them, ever. They weren't meant for anyone to read. There's nothing bad per se. They are quite depressing actually because I always tend to write more during difficult versus joyous times.

I think that's why I'm stuck though. Sometimes I think of things and want to write but while this is a place I use to be honest and open and self therapeutic there are still plenty of places my chatter takes me that I am not so sure I want anyone to read. I also get stuck because I'm not sure which tense to use or who I'm writing to. If I'm talking to you then I would be more inclined to use words like we and our, as if I was talking to a friend. That's what I want for this place to be anyway. A place for friends, togetherness. But, I realize that I am often writing like it's just me, like I used to write. I feel I need to adapt if this is going to be the place I want it to be. A place that's not just for me. Granted, people would have to comment more for it to be more than just me! Ha.

I thought of this as I was putting Caleb to bed the other night. I thought of how I love to grow but sometimes struggle with change, with what's comfortable. This is pretty common for most people I've met but the thing is, I actually like change, I used to crave it. I lived in five states in six years at one point. While, I'm on my seventh state in eleven years, I don't get the anxious feeling anymore, like I need to move on, or just move. I guess a family will do that to a girl who likes to travel and experience new places. Problem is, now that I'm all snuggled into my little comfort zone, I sort of transfer that comfort into all areas of my life. I don't get out much or make new friends often or go to new places or even try new foods so how do I adapt and change how I write? It's an ever so subtle change I need, one that's more inclusive of....an audience, I guess is what I'm thinking. Because really, if I don't take you into consideration I might as well just be writing in my journal. It really is a subtle difference though, which I think I get sometimes.

I think one problem I have is I'm not an audience sort of person. I never really liked the lime light. I was a very shy kid actually. I know, some of you may be shocked to hear this, but it's true, I was. I didn't really start to come out of my shell until middle school. Odd since middle school tends to be the most awkward of the growing pain years for everyone I know. By the time I graduated high school I had found a good sense of confidence, or at least a good sense of who I was and what I wanted from life. I didn't realize until years later that confidence in oneself and knowing what you want out of life are two very different things. Either way, I think that's more than a lot of high school grads can say, at least in retrospect 15 years later, because of course we know it all at 18.

Another problem I have is that I really am not good with the whole rules of the English language thing. Sort of helps to know the basics from elementary school if you are writing to an audience. There are things I remember, and even get annoyed when others don't follow some of the basics I do recall, as if I have any right to get annoyed by others poor use of grammar! But overall, I'm not exaggerating. I honestly could not tell you what say, an adverb is, or a pronoun for that matter. I would have to google all of those English basics. If any of my elementary school English teachers ever read this, I'm sorry. I really was a good student. I blame it on my college years snatching my memory. Then again, I'm not sure I knew these things before college either. I think I just pick and choose what I want to remember because Craig tells me stories and I really have no idea what he's talking about. Every once in awhile I say, "oooooh yeah!" Then, as the memory floods back I think, oh good God, no wonder I chose to forget! But again, all that is for another time.

I often marvel at the memory that once, long ago, I actually considered English as a major. I think it may even say that in my senior bio! Wow, that would be funny, now I'll have to check that out. I know it said Psychology, so at least that is close enough to what came to be. But wow, English, as my major! Ha. I mean, I just started that sentence with "but" for crying out loud! I start sentences with "and" and "because" a lot too, and I use run on sentences, and fragments, and lots of commas, all the time. I know these things about my writing so I think, who the heck would want to read this?! I also digress, as you can see, but that's more from my chatter than my poor grammatical skills, mostly.

I am dreading having to help the kids with their homework because they will learn much too early in their lives that mommy doesn't actually know everything. Once kids realize that, oh boy, parenting takes on a whole new challenge.
BUT, back to change and comfort and how to make this blog a place others want to come to because as I've said before, if you read the 'about me' link, alone sucks. I don't want to be alone here. Sort of defeats the point of the together and feeling connected part.

Maybe what I need is to more actively seek an audience. It just feels a bit self centered or boasting to me to do that and I'm not a fan of boastful people. So, I just share the link on facebook and leave it alone. Maybe what I need is more from you than me. I used to get a little annoyed when blogs became the new fad and friends kept asking me to become a follower. "Fad", ha, a word from my generation I haven't heard in awhile which reminds me of laughing at all those old people when I was a kid who said groovy or something. Anyway, it took me awhile to start following friend's blogs and only recently did I start reading blogs of people I don't know. I've found a wonderful sense of connectedness though, from these stranger's blogs. I don't get to travel and meet new people like I used to and while face to face interaction is always better, this is the 21st century so jump on the social media, blogging, online dating (if you're still single of course) train or miss out on all the world has to offer, right?

I always wanted to help bring people together, help break down some barriers of all the differences between us. To me, we really are all connected and have so much more in common than we may think, if we drop our guard a bit, drop our judgements for a bit and open our hearts and minds just a bit more, we can see those connections. If I can create a place that helps people realize this interconnectedness between us all then I would be fulfilling some "old" dreams that I put on hold to fulfill my stay at home mommy dreams. That would be a beautiful thing! I hope you'll help me with that.


So, I'll try to get over that old shy self and remember the more outgoing one who would be telling the world about this place, trying to get people on board, coming together, sharing and just feeling connected. I'm sure there's people out there who would like this place, I just need to find them and keep writing.... to them and for all of us, not just me. AND not worry so much about my crappy grammar!

While I'm working on that, I'd appreciate some love from those who have kept coming back each week. Thank you by the way! Now, if you could share some posts you like with your friends and family, ask them to share too, if they like the post, and comment as well. If you like even one post, check the 'become a follower' link so I don't look like such a shmuck when strangers do come to check things out here. I'll tell ya, I have a lot of anxiety even posting this one because of that whole "hey look at me" feeling I get from it. But, if you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same results. Here's hoping for something a little different.

Love and Thanks!

Wipe Away Anger

Our monster pine tree out back
stained with sap at the bottom

I had a rough night. I've had a lot of rough nights lately, and days too, mostly as a result of the rough nights....sort of works out that way for me most of the time. I've been making more of an effort though to try some of these things I am reading from my Al Anon online group, despite still not feeling Al Anon, or more a 12 step program in general, is for me. So, instead of staying angry and being mean mommy, I decided to take the kids to a new park, which is near my preferred coffee shop. It's preferred due to the lack of a better alternative but I stopped on the way for an iced latte because we all know I can't survive without my coffee and the Keurig just wasn't going to cut it today. Actually, I abandoned my poor Keurig all week.

I struggled a bit with my anger early on this morning after being left to fend for myself with two screaming kids all night, after a week of no sleep, or maybe more. I lost track of how long the plague of bedtime mayhem has engulfed our house. So, mean mommy and angry thoughts towards Craig prevailed for a short while, as my eyes burned with exhaustion from the back and forth between my bed, to Rylie's, to the baby with me in my bed, to the rocker in the baby's room, to my bed, to Rylie's.... all damn night, back and forth, because I was left hanging to do the parenting thing on my own...again. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen all that often anymore but I have this problem with forgiving and forgetting. So, when it does happen, I tend to compile all the other times no matter how long ago they were. It's not fair, I know this. I also know my difficulty with forgiving and forgetting, letting things go, moving on, whatever you want to call it, is definitely one of my least desirable qualities. I'm a work in progress and progress not perfection, right?

But these kids just have a way of making me smile and melting that anger away that engulfs my heart after such nights. Sometimes I fight those sweet little smiles and heart melting giggles and the excitement of Rylie peeing on the potty, because I feel like the appropriate way to feel towards Craig's drinking is angry. When I try to rationalize that though I find it to be pretty silly. Who the heck wants to feel angry, ever, even if I have a right to be?

I get stuck here a lot with Al Anon, I have a right to be angry with Craig, why are they trying to take that away?! As a trained therapist I fully understand how disastrous such "distorted" thinking can be to not only my sanity but my physical health as well. Also as I trained therapist I tend to read some of these things the group discusses and want to yell at my computer from all the cognitive behavior verbiage being spewed. Then I think, why am I so angry at these same cognitive behavior tools that helped save me from my own addiction 18 years ago?

I suffered from bulimarexia when I was16. After about a year, I was hospitalized for two weeks, prior to my senior year, and was introduced to a 12 step program for the first time.  I struggled with "buying into" the whole 12 step thing then too. The cognitive behavior therapy was a blessing but the 12 steps, not so much. I remember sitting in the group therapy sessions feeling very uncomfortable with the whole higher power talk. I wasn't raised with religion but was always told to "believe in God" and I can choose my religion when I'm older. So, I believed in God, but really didn't know what that meant and felt uneasy talking about it. To add to this uncomfortable feeling was always knowing I was Jewish and would choose to practice, someday. Yet, I was in a Christian affiliated hospital so I immediately assumed higher power meant God and thus, God meant Jesus, and that just wasn't working for me. Since I was 17 at this point, and there was only one other teenager there with me, and everyone was Christian, as usual my anxiety prevailed over the whole God thing, particularly after being offered to be baptized. I don't recall how the whole baptism came to be though I have always been so proud of my vulnerable teenage self for having the strength to say "no thank you" and everyone was kind enough to accept this and move on.

Considering a counselor education is half about providing us with an uncanny ability to be introspective and really evaluate what triggers our own emotions, to dig deep to get to the route of what's going with us so we can remain detached from our clients problems and well, be able to emotionally survive in our field, I am able to realize my reluctance to really dive into Al Anon stems from my own 12 step experience. And my continued uneasy feeling with the whole higher power talk, despite having a very clear sense of who I am as  a Jew now. AND that my counseling training makes me cringe at some of the words Al Anon uses to describe what and how I am thinking. If I was providing counseling I would never consider using some of the words I see daily from my Al Anon group because I find them very non-therapeutic. With that, I also realize it is all in the semantics and the actual program can be and has been life saving for thousands. I simply don't think it's for everyone and the slogan, it works if you work it, doesn't mean it'll work for me, even if I let go of my preconceived notions and give the step work a shot.

I also made a very conscious decision to never be a drug and alcohol counselor because of my standoffish feeling towards a 12 step program. That, and I just do not understand how a person can't stop. Especially when they have everything to live for. I obviously get that alcoholism is a disease, one that encompasses the addicts thoughts day and night, that they would do anything to get their hands on their next fix, that they are constantly preoccupied with hiding their addiction and their next lie. I get it because I was there. The ways I came up with to hide how little I was eating and the purging and the lies I told to accomplish this... I think I finally realized I needed help more because I couldn't keep up with all the lies anymore, that was the most exhausting part. And it's not like I sought the help, I was confronted and simply was too tired to lie anymore. I never went back to my bulimarexia behaviors and though the thoughts took a little longer to overcome, I did it without using a 12 step program. I know, first hand, there are other ways that work and I guess that's what I need, another way to overcome this disease of alcoholism that is breaking me down. It's not my addiction this time, but the preoccupation and trying to prepare for the next drink is just as damaging, if not more.

Now, the take what you want and leave the rest slogan does hit home because I have taken a handful of things from this group that has helped, no doubt about that. Like today, I decided not to be angry and to stop being mean mommy just because I was so damn angry and to do something fun with the kids. It's another nice day and they deserve to enjoy it... and so do I. Though I still struggle with some logistics, such as how do I go to a face to a face meeting and get what I can out of them or go to therapy, because I think that would be more beneficial for my personality, when I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids. Too many times I would come home from yoga feeling rejuvenated or getting a release from the stress of it all in some other way only to walk into a the exact thing I needed to get away from. I finally started asking for help, stopped hiding and opening up, obviously since I wrote Truth and the whole world is welcome to read that!  I don't isolate, as much, yet I still have the wife of an alcoholic thinking. And I still don't like how I react and I really don't like how my reactions impact all my other relationships too.

Today, upon leaving the park I ran into another mom from Rylie's gymnastics class walking her dog. It's the one mom I really like, who's name I now know! We tend to just know the kids names in her gymnastics class despite all talking to one another. I realized yesterday after her class I wanted to get this mom's number so the kids could hang out and I think she and I would get along well. We have been here for over 6 months and I've only met one person and she lives across the street! Maybe I'm not doing so well with that isolation part. Either way, this mom seems laid back, she takes things in stride, and I like to seek out nice, calm, laid back friends because I tend to soak in the energy of others like I'm sunbathing at the beach. This can be a curse and a blessing which is why I learned to seek out such individuals because I have enough drama in my life. This is also why I love a good yoga class. The positive energy from a good yoga class can last for days, if I allow it to. Anyway, it's funny I ran into her today because after we left yesterday I was annoyed at myself for not making a mommy date. I thought about it a lot last night as I tried to evaluate why I am so hesitant with forming new friendships. I'm really bad at the mommy date thing. In fact, almost every mom I ever met and spent time with, with or without the kids, I met from someone else's initiative rather than my own.

And yet again, I managed to walk away without a date. I suck. I also know why. It's my alcoholic wife mentality. I think, even while I'm talking to new people, if we become friends they will eventually find out I'm a mess. It's too exhausting to hide it for long. It's embarrassing, my life, at times. What if Craig is drinking when they are over, what if we get together and they offer him a beer, how do I explain this or that if this or that happens? I start to freak out over all the what if's and by the time I'm done being anxious over more people in my life knowing what a wreck our life can be sometimes, the conversation is over and I'm back to square one, alone with my kids, and facebook.

Maybe I'm not doing so well with the hiding part either. I just don't want people to judge is all. I have enough people who judge what I should be doing or not doing as far as leaving or staying and I can't handle more judgement. I don't think this mom would judge though. But I also don't want the topic of our disease to even come up because I hate putting this burden on anyone else. My friends worry about us and they have enough to worry about. They don't know what to say, most have simply distanced themselves. Sure, everyone has their own lives and that's part of it, but I would distance myself too, no one needs this added drama in their lives. I don't blame them. I'm certainly in part to blame for this distancing. It's easier because I hate being miserable every time I talk to people. I hate being angry or upset at every holiday and birthday. I used to think Craig drank at all these occasions so everyone would think I was just a b*%*h or miserable individual for no reason, in effort to hide that his drinking was a problem. Addicts are master manipulators so I wouldn't doubt this was in part true. Regardless, I hate taking it out on my mom or the kids or myself.

Boy, I have a lot of work to do. One Day At A Time.

I am less angry. I do hide less, I do isolate less. I have let go, a bit, of accepting the things I can't control. I worry a bit less. My days are no longer preoccupied by anguish over whether or not Craig will drink or be drunk that night and if I'll have to go it alone. I don't search his bag or coat or the cabinets and anywhere else I can think of because I just don't care. It won't stop it or change it. I've managed on my own plenty of times before, I survive every time, and I'll survive the next time too. So, I have grown and become stronger even if I don't feel like it some days.

I do need to stop being afraid of all the what if's though. And I need to enjoy each day with my kids, as much as I can, because we all know it's not possible to enjoy every minute of every day with a one and two year old, especially on very little sleep. Just. Not. Possible. All I can do is make it a point to enjoy the good times and not let the anger seep all day and night like the sap on my pine tree out back. That sap has left a stain on that lovely tree's solid, strong trunk, just like my anger will do if I don't wipe it clean every time it seeps though, or in my case gushes out. It will stick and once stuck, it's very difficult to wipe it all away.

And I need to make a mommy date. Pronto.

enjoying TODAY

Time Turner

" I mark the hours every one nor have I yet outrun the sun..." 

  - Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban

Today was one of those days I wish I had a time turner. If they existed, of course. We lost an hour with daylight savings about 10 days ago, and since then I feel like I'm losing an hour everyday. Feeling like I'm losing an hour of my day, every day, for 10 days, is starting to wear on my ability to keep it together. There's this compounding feeling. Or more like trying to start a fire and it's so close, it starts to smolder, then POOF, big flames. The pressure just builds and builds until I just explode or implode or implode then explode, yeah, that's more like me. Last week was my imploding, feeling down, not wanting to do anything because there was just too much to catch up on. Two days ago was a mini meltdown of sorts, or I guess I could call it a mini explosion since I used the words "freaking" a lot in a very short amount of time. Since I have yet to figure out a way to fit in my me time to release the pressure, I'm feeling overwhelmed, desperately overwhelmed. 

Desperately overwhelmed usually means drama Jaci and saying things to Craig like, "I can't take it, I'm going to do drive off the bridge!" or, " we'll be lucky if we all survive today". Pretty sure that was a text this afternoon actually. Don't worry people, these really are just a figure of speech since I don't actually consider driving off a bridge or someone not surviving the day. Well, sometimes I contemplate ways to off the dog but he was good today and safe from my homicidal drama thinking. Such mini verbal explosions are simply the most dramatic way I can express to Craig just how overwhelmed I am because saying, "Craig, I'm feeling very overwhelmed" can't begin to describe my state of being overwhelmed, which is of course by far the most overwhelmed anyone could possibly ever be. So, I exaggerate to get my point across more effectively. Not sure it works since he just looks at me probably thinking, she's freaking crazy. Maybe I am.

So today, all day, I kept thinking, as I often do when I feel I need more time, man, I wish I had that time turner Hermione used her 3rd year at Hogwarts. Yes, I love HP... and Twilight and the Hunger Games for that matter. And yes, many times I have wished I were a witch or a vampire or just as awesome as Catniss. But I've digressed. 

I needed the time turner because the things I need to do keep piling up, literally piling up on my kitchen counter as a way to be an in my face reminder, DO THIS NOW. When things pile up it doesn't seem to matter how great it was that I got the kids outside to play this morning and to the park this afternoon, on this beautiful day. This has been the case most of these days that I feel overwhelmed. I'm having fun with the kids on these beautiful days. So then I feel guilty, I should be happy the kids are having fun and enjoying this early spring weather, not getting all worked up that I'm not getting anything else done and that I'm rushing around trying to get dinner made and baths done, the sand swept off the floor 5 times a day.... But, that's not me. I don't like piles of things to do and I start to sink, or lose it, when "take time for self" continues to be a part of my to do list week after week.

Result...mini explosions, drama Jaci, then feeling bad for not keeping it all together. It's a vicious cycle. Of course, Rylie decided she no longer needs naps during this most recent episode of, need more time, overwhelmed, implode, explode. Now I have to adapt my perfect little daily routine and I'm clearly not adjusting well.

I feel especially awful for my explosion two days ago after I made an effort to resume my wii fit workout after a 2 year hiatus. After six months of being in our new home I finally set up the balance board, which entailed taking it out of the box and putting the box away. All proud of myself for taking the first step towards my doctor ordered exercise and I couldn't get the tv on.I tried various things, gave up and went upstairs.

Me: Craig, I've tried everything, I can't get the stupid tv on

Craig: Did you turn on the power strip?

Me: Yeeeessss (in an annoyed, I'm not stupid sort of tone)

He goes downstairs and comes back up in a minute

Craig: It's on. You have to lock the button in on the power strip.

Me: Oh (in an embarrassed, guess I am a little stupid sort of tone)

I go back down..... and after another few minutes I come back up.

Me: Craig, I can't get the wii to come on the tv.

Craig goes down and comes back up in a minute.

Craig: OK, I had to use the tv remote, not cable remote.

I go back down....and after another few minute of waving the wii remote around and getting nothing I come back up. I got new batteries. Proud that I was attempting to figure this one out on my own.

It worked! I got to the main page and the "new" batteries I found died. I came back up very annoyed.

There were no more batteries.

mini EXPLOSION

Which involved me complaining to Craig that he gets to run and go to a meeting once each week and I don't get to do anything for me now that he's working on him. Ouch. Not cool, or at least not very supportive.

It was how I was feeling, so not supportive but honest. I feel like I've giving up my own recovery because I'm so desperate for him to not drink. But how can I wish him to do all these things and complain that he's not for years and then complain when he finally acts? I said sorry which usually means a person then lets it go but I still feel bad. Maybe because I partly still feel this way. I keep giving up more and more of what I need to accommodate him. Now, instead of not being able to go to yoga or get a break from the kids because I he's drinking and I can't leave the kids alone with him, I can't go to yoga or get a break from the kids because he's doing what he needs to in order not to drink. Talk about a catch 22! 

I also have the same issue I did when he was drinking. When he's around (now physically present before mentally) I want to enjoy family time so I give up me time for family time. I've never been able to juggle this desire for both and feeling there is not enough time for both. Just like I can't juggle outside fun time with the kids and all the things I'm used to getting done when we are stuck inside, like checking my email, which last I looked I had 65 to sort through. As an aside, Craig only runs 20 minutes. So, I'm still trying to figure out why this even interferes and I'm pretty sure it's just an excuse I'm using which makes me feel even more awful about complaining! I'm a fabulous multitasker, but in these instances all I can think is, I NEED MORE TIME. Thus, I dream of the nonexistent time turner because I can't seem to figure out another way to get my me time and family time and everything else that needs to be done time in, without giving up sleep. Which I've been doing. Like I am now.

I'm giving up sleep, which we all know is another thing I desperately need. Though, a little less sleep means I get a bit of writing in, which helps lessen the irrational explosions and dramatic exclamations of, "I'm going to drive off a bridge", which all carries over into me being a mean mommy and as I've stated before, I loathe mean mommy. She was not around for a good while. I want her gone again. So, I chose write, instead of putting the new batteries I bought yesterday in the wii remote and start working out, which I also really wanted to do. 

See why I long for a time turner? Maybe I should buy one of those collectible ones. Perhaps symbolism is all I need to have more time. Oh, wouldn't it be nice if that were the case.... guess it's worth a shot. I'll add that to my to do list. 

Scattered, Gratitude and Bye Bye Binky

I've had writers block, or I thought I did. Then I thought, ooh, maybe that means my chatter is calming down some. No, not so much. I realized that last night as I laid in bed struggling to fall asleep because I was "writing" in my head. As usual, it's always so much better in my head and by the time I sit down I can't remember what the topic was. Here, I thought I needed a talk to type program for when I'm driving and this same thing happens, but really I need a telepathy program if I want my writing to be perfect.

I honestly can't remember exactly what I was writing in my head last night and as I try to, I realize my chatter has far from lessened, if anything it's worse. It's scattered though, which is not typical. I tend to obsess on topics until I get them out but instead they are skipping around, sort of how Craig flips though the channels when we watch tv. Or how he turns off a movie or show just before it ends, if we know how it ends. It's annoying, very annoying. Both the skipping thoughts and the flipping channels thing. I can't seem to finish a thought before I jump into the next and the next and the next... no wonder I have writers block!

I also have been working on Caleb's 1st year photo book. Sort of my newest obsession because I feel bad that Rylie's was done except for her birthday page the 1st year and close to it last year. In some way it feels like I somehow favored her, or maybe I feel lazy. Either way, really, I just don't have the time, and I know that, but it still bugs me. Plus, a bit of my perfectionistic side comes out with these darn books, despite never feeling they are perfect once I'm done, but rather I settle with an... I'm sick of working on this, it's good enough. So tonight, I decided to take a break and try to finish a thought rather than obsess over his 1st year photo book being perfect and it turns out, I'm not doing a real bang up job focusing either! If you can stick with me here I'll try harder with that, but I'm not making any promises.

I'm not sure what's wrong, part of me doesn't want to write, part of me feels I have nothing to write about, even though my head is swirling and I know I need to. It was a busy week. Nice weather means all the typical plus getting outside which means extra clean ups and baths and rushing to get meals made and naps in and to bed on time...I'm exhausted! And we had two doctor appointments this week. One we had to be there by 9am. I consider 9am no better than 7am, for those who think that's not so bad. So, this must be it. I'm just exhausted. And feeling old due to a bunch of aches and pains and now high cholesterol. High cholesterol! I'm trying to come to terms with not eating my excessive amounts of sweets everyday. That's how I'm surviving these early mommy years, I thought my body understood that and would allow me to have my caffeine and sugar indulgences for at least a few more years before I had to cut back, but I guess not. It's a bit depressing actually. This wasn't the only life changing event this week though. Come to think of it, this was probably lower on the totem pole of BIG, life changing events in the Hoosier house this week.

Rylie had her 1st dentist appointment. I'm always nervous about how she will act at things like this because it can really go either way. Since this appointment was a, take it because we have a cancellation and who knows when we can get you in if not, type of appointments, it was during nap. Mommy nightmare. I tried to prepare as best I could but held my breath all morning and took a deep breath as we walked through the office door at 1:20. In typical fashion she stunned me with the unexpected. She behaved like a 2 year old any parent would be proud to say, yeah that's my kid, despite being there for nearly two hours.

Unfortunately, and thankfully at the same time, the dentist said, no more binky! Uh oh, I thought, the rest of this week is going to Suck, yes with a capitol S. The dentist told her she needed to mail her binky to a baby that needed them because she was a big girl now. We stuck with that plan and had Rylie color her envelope that read, "bye bye binkie" (because dad spelled it), she then peeled and sealed it and we took the envelope to our mailbox before bed. Once again, the unexpected happened. After minimal whining for about 30 minutes she simply went to sleep. She went to sleep without her freaking binky! Craig and I just sat in shock. Honestly, I'm still in shock.

Now, she did wake up a couple times and once she cried enough to wake Caleb. That part was the sucking part I feared, yet it still wasn't as bad as expected. Then, the next night she asked once, we reminded her that we mailed them, she thought about it and went to bed. She went to bed without her binky... again! She also decided that her binky and blanky were a package deal I guess, because she stopped asking for it as well and even when it's in the bed she acts like it's no big thing. Her blanky. no. big. thing. As facebook friends know, I'm wondering what sort of drugs they put in that fluoride treatment because it transformed her into this new child I do not recognize, but am certainly not complaining about. I suggested, tongue in cheek, that we make another appointment so the dentist could tell her it's time to sleep in her own bed now.

Funny story, on the third night of no binky, that is precisely what she decided it was time to start doing! She asked and went to her own room and went to sleep without her binky or her blanky, in her big girl bed! What the heck is going on?! I still can't answer that question without at least considering the dentist was some sort of secret toddler whisperer, an alien is involved or as previously mentioned, the fluoride was laced with a calm and cooperative agent, but I am loving it, whatever it is!

The BIG changes didn't end with Rylie deciding to become this easy going, low(er) maintenance little girl, oh no, we had some sibling rivalry going on as brother bear decided he would join in the action and start walking! Not taking steps here and there but the official "he's walking" sort of walking. While always an exciting milestone I couldn't help but hold my breath a bit once again as I thought, oh gosh, and it begins. The insanity gets more insane AND my baby isn't a "baby" anymore 'and it begins' type of thought. Oy, mama bear's gonna need to start dying these grays that keep popping out a little sooner than I hoped!

Hmmm, I am now wondering why I've had such difficulty picking up my gratitude journal this week because from what I can tell, I have a lot to be grateful for! In addition to all these big, my babies are growing up way too fast changes, Craig also received interesting news at work, which I will update at another time and I found out Uncle Bob's cancer medication is showing signs that it is effective, which is truly a miracle. We also have nearly finished our 32 item to do list, which makes me smile and Craig has been running for a week now, literally running, 2 miles, five times in a week! This has been a long talked about replacement coping skill so I'm very grateful he has chosen to start doing something healthy for himself.

I also now realize why I've been so scattered...while all of these things I'm grateful for are truly awesome, remarkable, make me smile and warm my heart, some of you may have seen what I just did upon reading this...none of these things have anything to do with just me. I think the flipping channels too fast thing going on in my head is me getting stuck from not working on myself or my own recovery, as I like to call it (before I even knew that's what Al-Anon calls it)

I think this week I need to focus on me just a little, find things about me and for me I can add to my gratitude list and get out of my little debbie downer rut I found myself lately

Writing when I don't want to always seems to be the solution when I can't pinpoint the problem. Yay me for forcing myself to sit at the computer tonight (and going to bed much too late because of it.) And thank you for sticking with me, if you managed to push through my scattered thoughts and crazy week of big changes!

Supermom Envy

I admit, I have supermom envy. I also admit that I sometimes fantasize that one day I can be as awesome as the mom's in all those parenting magazines. Those magazines that sat out for weeks after they arrived, then were put in the coffee table drawers, nearly always unread. They are still in those drawers. Well, I recycled some too, after getting all the coupons I wanted out of them of course.

Since I don't read the magazines that tell you how to be a Supermom, Facebook has been a savior of sorts, especially since choosing to stay home. I can talk to mom's I actually know, get advice and of course, just stay in touch in general which helps keep me sane. BUT, some days, it also leads to lots of Supermom envy.

When I hear a friend talk about the new food they made for their bundle of joy I think, dang, Supermom! Especially if they have more than one child. Who has the time, especially to go to the store ensure you have fresh produce available? Right, Supermom does. Now, I have made both my kids baby food, but not regularly. Reading the labels seemed easier and at times settling for ones that weren't perfect, even easier. Which leads to the, I gave my baby preservatives, mom guilt. Supermom always avoids preservatives in their kid's food.

I think the same thing when I hear of the many friends who announce they are expecting their 4th child! Planned forth child, FORTH! Holy supermom batman! I mean, I feel like I'm half insane most days so I would definitely be a goner if I doubled the action. How did my grandma have 11? Sure, that was a different era of child raising but there are the Duggers who, bless their hearts, are out of their minds as far as I'm concerned! Not a judgement, they are just part of those Superparents I shake my head and think, WOW, how do they do it? I wish I had enough patience for more...and money for them all to go to college.

Then there's the mom's that work outside of the home and do all the mommy stuff at home and the single mom's...how do they do it? Supermom's. That must be it.

I often wonder who the parents are from those magazines I took the coupons from and recycled. Parents must actually do these things if they are writing about all these tips and oh so fun ideas. The best I do is cut Rylie's pizza or peanut butter sandwich into triangles, not that it makes a bit of difference if she eats it or not! Heck, Caleb eats off the floor and pretty much anything you put in front of him, so no need to get fancy there. Then, I recently saw a picture a mom posted on facebook of pancakes for breakfast with various fruit placed in the shape of a smiley face. Who has time to make pancakes, I thought?! Supermom for sure. Well, I used to make Rylie blueberry pancakes but it was just her and I never did cool fruit decorations.

This super mom list goes on and on and the list makes me start to feel a bit  like a crappy mom for just trying to survive most of my days. That's my goal, survival. And not to yell.

I tend to judge my Supermom abilities of the day while I'm getting dinner ready. If I'm frantic and feeling a bit like I'm losing my mind, I probably had a very nonsupermomish type of day. There was probably yelling involved. Some days I think I didn't do all that great but once I start weighing the pros and cons and think, hmmm, I did all that? Maybe not Supermom but not bad, mom! Every now and then, I think, hell ya! Today was a middle of the road type of day.

I thought I spent more time playing with the kids than normal. I always feel bad about this one. I don't sit and play doll house for an hour or play pretend talk on the phone over and over... well, I do but that's what, 10 minutes? 10 grueling minutes of hello, who's this, what did you do today on repeat. I'm also not great with the crafty stuff. In fact, painting activities take a lot of gearing up on my part. I actually hide my poor kid's easel so she doesn't get the idea too often and I don't have to deal with a tantrum for saying no because I just can't deal with the mess every day. Though, I saved a bunch of the Family Fun magazines that have super fun craft ideas that I tell myself we'll do....someday. It was also a Facebook sort of day so playing
included looking at my phone every 5 minutes to break up the monotony.
Nope, not Supermom. Supermom doesn't look at her phone while playing and loves to play monotonous toddler games, like stacking blocks, peg puzzles and throwing a ball and over and over and over. Don't get me started on all the fun summer activities, oh how sand and water are a delight. Family fun days at the park rock and books are fun for everyone though!

I made Caleb apples and carrots. Easy now, he's one, I just needed to dice and boil. Turns out, he didn't like the apples, go figure. And for some reason I couldn't get diced carrots to soften enough. Supermom can get carrots soft. Monkeys can get carrots soft enough for a one year old! So, I gave him the "bad for you" ones from a plastic cup. They have salt. Salt guilt. I rinsed them off in effort to convince myself it's nearly the same as the ones I tried to make. Since the kid eats like a horse, especially for dinner, I ran out of what was planned so I gave him the rest of his peaches from breakfast and as I looked at his food I thought, crap, all his food is orange! (He also had tomato soup) Not Supermom. Then I remembered one of those Supermom articles about having a color of the day to teach your toddler colors and how you can incorporate that into their meals, well, there you go! Today's color was orange...I didn't tell him that though, does it still count?

Rylie peed on the potty 3 times today! She's been refusing to go for the past week. One time, during nap, she asked to wear panties after. I figured sure, she just peed so we should be fine, but I put a diaper over top just in case. She pooped her panties... still during nap. Some of that poop got on our bedspread. I found it when I went to lay with her, praying she would sleep after all this. She never napped. Another time was 1/2 in the potty and 1/2 on floor and bath rug. I am unsure if it was on purpose.

Washed bedspread, changed sheets, cleaned bath rug.

Since I was in the laundry room anyway, I folded and put away some laundry from yesterday... not all of it. Damn, Supermom would have finished all of it.

I mopped downstairs, my least favorite chore. Didn't mop upstairs though. Not supermom. I did unload the dishwasher, maybe that can count.

Phone calls.... Called express scripts to check on kids prescriptions. They never got Caleb's. Of course not. Called his doctor. Put request in for more gravel from the city, which I had to look up and figure out the right department to call. This was on our 30 something to do list (over half done!) so bonus points for sure. Scheduled dentist appointment for Rylie... it's for tomorrow because she was on the wait list and there was a cancellation. It's during nap, great, can't wait.

I finally hung Caleb's growth chart. On my mental to do list...for the past 3 weeks. My hunt for nails to hang it led me to clear the counter and a junk drawer. Definite Supermom bonus points because that counter clutter is a daily, I am not Supermom, reminder.

Plus all the typical.... breakfast, cleanup, lunch, clean up, dinner, snacks and the constant reminder for Caleb to drink his milk. He's not very excited about the transition from nursing. Mommy guilt that I may be weaning him before he's ready... Not Supermom. Supermom doesn't care that American society looks at those who nurse after one with a judgy, that's odd, sort of look.

I remembered my vitamins and allergy pill! This is huge. Kids got their meds, dog got his prozac, can't forget that! Fed dog, forgot to give him dinner. Oops. Cleaned mud off the dog's paws 3 times, rainy days suck when you have a dog. Hunted the ants that are already back... forgot to call Orkin about them. Changed 6 poops, yes 6. Ok, I'll give myself a nod for that.

Forgot to get the mail...it's raining and our mailman doesn't like to close the box for some reason. I never got dressed, ummm, yeah, that means I also forgot to shower. Oops again. No nap days get me with the shower thing every time. Supermom showers.

And does her hair

And gets dressed

Everyday.

Oh and Rylie lost an earring. I was worried all day that Caleb would find it and eat it. But I found it...while changing the sheets. Even found the back.  I'll go with luck on that one though.

My mom recently told me, "I did the best I could". My daily run down of if I had my cape on or barely survived the day reminds me, that's really all any parent can do. I may not be Supermom everyday, but I doubt the Supermom's I envy are either. And that's ok.


Besides, I have Superboy's smile to save the day :-P

what goes around comes around

I recently read an article/blog post by a mom saying she was sorry for all her pre-kid judgements on parents. Ironically, Craig and I were just laughing about some of ours. While this mommy had some good points, funny ones that I said, "yup, I thought that too", I think I had a tendency to judge more in terms of behavior than the specifics of say, to breast feed or not. Probably because I didn't know about much more than child development and behaviors, and pre-kid Jaci seemed to think this was all I really needed to know! Ha.

I clearly remember conversations with professors and supervisors over my frustration when parents would question if I had children. I would think, I know what I'm doing, I've spent many years, a lot of money ensuring a quality education and I have ample experience, not to mention I am told I'm pretty darn good at what I do so, who the hell cares if I have kids? I didn't think it should matter, it would be like going to a counselor to work through your grief not thinking they could really help if they never experienced a loss. I still contend that you don't have to have kids to be successful in my career field but man, being a parent sure comes with a whole new outlook on things! To be honest, I think I would be worse as a behavior specialist now because I know that being consistent all the time is damn near impossible, except maybe for those super moms out there, which I am not.

I used to look at other's kids and think, Oh my gosh! My kid will never act like that, especially not in public! Or, if my kid yells like that or says "no" they'll be in their room so fast. And my favorite, my kid will eat what I make for everyone or they won't eat. Definitely laughing in my head right now! Then there were the thoughts like geez, they could at least wipe his face or brush her hair. Or, why don't they put socks on him, and come on, those are clearly pajamas, you can't take 5 minutes to dress them? Even funnier than these behavior type judgements is that I was uncomfortable with the idea of breast feeding, which has by far been the most natural thing I've experienced with parenting yet! When mommy friends would express some of their frustrations I would think, what do you mean you don't have time to clean or get a shower?  Can't you get the things done you need to once you put your kid to bed or better yet, put them on your schedule and make it work, HAHA! I never could understand why one of my friends needed a suburban for 2 kids, I mean is it really necessary to have so many dang strollers?! While I still contend that a suburban is a bit of an overkill, I switched to an SUV pretty darn quick after #2 arrived. How did our parents do it? Oh right, no car seats and a little umbrella stroller was all you needed to leave the house!

I didn't know about all the things parents are bombarded with even before the baby arrives, so I couldn't judge which was better. Cry it out, make your own baby food, those walkers we all used being a danger, 86 the cute crib bumpers, which by the way, I still do not understand why every baby bedding set comes with bumpers when all the main players who give us the latest and greatest in how to keep our darlings safe warn us about using them! Big pet peeve of mine. Anyway, in hindsight, all I knew for sure was I would never get a minivan! Well, and of course, after being a behavior specialist for a couple years, I also knew if my kid threw a fit in a store I would leave and come back later and if they tantrum at home, time outs work. After all, I've taught how to implement a time out properly and have seen them work rather quickly when consistently done appropriately.... Well, let's just say, I don't drive a minivan. Short of a moment of insanity or missing the baby days in a couple years, combined with God having a very sick sense of humor and turning that moment of insanity into twins, the "no minivan" will probably be the only pre-kid thing I ever knew for sure.

Oh my, my, how quickly life changes. Another thing I judged. I mean, sure things will change when we have kids, but how much can possibly change? Ummm, EVERYTHING! Oh and being told parenting is the "hardest thing I've ever done", wow, I was super self righteous with that one! I thought, sure, you worry and have added responsibility and maybe lose a little sleep from time to time, but how "hard" can it be? HAHAHA. Biggest laugh of all! With all this change I find I've now turned my judgments towards all those poor unknowing non-kid people. I often shake my head in wonderment if we seemed as ridiculous to parents back then, you know, way back in that nearly forgotten life from less than 3 years ago!

Seriously though, who gives a 9 month old a kids menu and crayons? Don't these people know babies  prefer to eat crayons rather than color with them at this age? And what is wrong with the waiter who puts our drinks within reach of the kids, or their hot plate right in front of them, really? I judge the people on the plane who you see looking very annoyed or whispering, why can't they make their kid stop screaming or questioning why people fly with little kids. Clearly they never had kids. What, we should just lock ourselves in our homes until our kids can act appropriate at all times? I judge those non-kid friends who eventually stop calling after multiple times of saying you can't meet up at a bar or spend an afternoon at a winery or go to a concert or come over around 8 (when the baby goes to bed at 8:30). No, I can't just lay my kid down to go to sleep in your bed, yes, some kids do sleep anywhere, but mine don't. Hell, we are lucky if Rylie sleeps at all, I'm not going to mess with that for anything! I judge those non-kid people who expect you to come visit them or think that spending a weekend with us is easy breezy. Yes, I have a schedule and no, my kids don't fair very well when we drastically deviate from it. I'm not rigid with it, (anymore) two will do that to ya, but I still try to stick to our schedule the best we can to avoid lots of tears, whining, napless days, sleepless nights and a heck of a mess when we try to get back on track.

I try not to judge anyone so maybe this isn't so much judgement as it is annoyance really. Not just annoyance at the non-kid people because it seems many with grown kids have forgotten what life is like with kids not yet school age. They don't know or seem to have forgot that kids don't always just go with the flow of what the adults want and that you can't force your toddler to do whatever you want them to. Well, you can force them,  but  it's not pretty! And just because your two year old doesn't do what you ask it doesn't mean you are an incompetent parent. Sure, some parents could use a parenting class but even those of us who are trained to teach such a class aren't toddler whisperers. Not every non-kid person is this way of course, I know plenty of people who have an idea of what it's like but they also are the first to admit they can't even imagine....no, no, my friends, you are right, you really can't imagine.  I never in my wildest dreams imagined this. Most days I think, wow, this is my life now, actually Craig and I have said that out loud many times. Followed up by, this is our life for another 17 years...oy vey!

Post kid, I am now convinced friends and strangers alike are so excited when someone is expecting their first and our parents are so overjoyed to be grandparents (other than adoring our little darlings) because they are secretly laughing at our pre-kid notions and maybe even arrogance, which is about to be shattered.

So, I'm not exactly sorry for my erroneous pre-kid thoughts because non-kid people will always have their preconceived notions of what parenting is and we will "judge" them as we quickly forget what our pre-kid world was like. Everyone who becomes a parent, at some point, joins the ranks of, holy !#*?, this is what parenting is?! and at 9am, really? What goes around comes around, so it all evens out in the end.

Talking to God

Picture I took of a sunset in Israel

I always had a difficult time with prayer. I never really knew how to pray. I saw how people prayed on tv, I saw how people prayed when I would go to church with friend's families, and others, growing up but the getting on your knees and praying in church or at the side of your bed thing didn't really work for me. I always questioned why there had to be these specific times set aside to pray in these specific ways and since I was wondering such things I wasn't exactly praying!

I talked to one of my first Rabbi's about this a number of years ago when I became a "practicing" Jew. She said prayer was difficult for many people and recommended a book called Talking to God by Naomi Levy. This helped but, to me, these were still someone else's prayers so of course there were many that fit a variety of situations but rarely any were perfect. Then I asked her how I pray for others because I would never get to sleep if I prayed for every person, group of people or situation that I wanted to say prayers for. She told me that she has a set list, so to speak, one that is manageable, reasonable, and as things come up she may add a person or group of people for a night. This made sense, I tried it. But then I got stuck again, do I pray out loud, to myself, lying down in bed, eyes closed, do I just say those people's names, do I say something specific for each person... and if so, again, this would take all night! And again, with all these questions circulating my thoughts as I tried to pray, not much praying was going on. What I've found over the years is I've spent more time wondering how to pray than I have actually prayed. My solution was to simply say the Shema and call it a day.

This isn't very fulfilling though and to be honest often times my thoughts are so overbearing I can't even get through this six word prayer without my chatter interrupting me. I end up far down the road in some random thought, sometimes wondering how I even got there, stop myself and start the shema over again. There's been nights I have to say it 3 or 4 times before I feel like I actually finished it without distraction. So what is prayer?

To me, prayer is talking to God. Talking to God is something I feel I do quite often throughout the day. It's either I'm talking to God in my head or to myself and I prefer to think something greater than myself is "listening" to all my self talk. Since I was quite young, before I knew what self talk was and thought I might be a bit crazy with all the nonstop thoughts racing through my head, I would tell myself I was talking to God, which was better than thinking I was crazy! Around 12 or so I started to journal and I would tell myself I was writing to God, because no one else would ever read these thoughts but God knows and sees all so that worked. I'm not sure why I don't feel this is good enough though. I talk to God all day. God knows my thoughts even if I don't say them out loud so why say my prayers out loud? God knows who I'm thinking about and wishing well, healing, strength or good fortune so is it really necessary to say their names and specifics of what I wish for them at a certain time of the day? Is it less meaningful somehow? I think the way society showed me to pray makes me feel it is, but inside I don't think so, and this is where my struggle with praying arises.

Even understanding this, I feel disconnected. Many Jews believe that because God is everywhere and our own homes/traditions and time with our family are just as sacred as our temples, one doesn't necessarily have to go to temple to feel or be connected to God (This isn't a universal belief, just like everything else in Judaism!) Yet, I find such comfort in attending the Kabbalat Shabbat service in particular. Just thinking of the songs and joy that exudes these services makes me smile and crave it. I don't always feel this joy in my own home. Since having kids, I haven't been able to figure out a plan to attend services very often though. I don't have any family traditions that I learned growing up and I haven't been consistent with the ones I'd like to start with my kids. This doesn't help. My disconnect from God makes it even more difficult to figure out this prayer thing and makes me feel less whole and a bit lost, which is exactly how I felt for far too long before I started practicing. This makes me sad, it makes me long for what I keep slipping further away from.

I make excuses, albeit many are often legitimate ones, but excuses nonetheless. I do the same thing with going to yoga, or not going, another thing that brings me fulfillment, peace of heart and mind. I wrote this to get it out of my head, like everything else I write, but everything else I write usually flows into a solution or realization that helps me move forward. This time, I have none. No solution, no growth, just a bit of a release that really didn't help me feel better or put my mind at ease. If I could figure out how to pray, I would pray for these answers to come more readily but clearly I'm still stuck there. Maybe I just need to accept that the way I pray is through my thoughts and even my writing and that is good enough. It only has to be good enough for me anyway. Maybe once I accept that this is good enough, I'll stop making excuses and do the things that bring me joy, just for me, not mommy or wife or daughter or friend, just me.  Then just maybe I'll start feeling that peace I felt before.

So, God, please consider this my prayer for me to stop making excuses so I can find peace in my heart again. Thanks for listening.

Progress, slow and steady

I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming and be prepared. I tend to look five steps ahead no matter how mundane the task. I get annoyed when someone goes in a room knowing they need something and then goes back later rather than planning ahead and getting everything at once. Not forgetting, everyone forgets things sometimes, but efficiency, I like efficiency. I like organization too, I feel anxious when things feel chaotic. I think all these things so hand in hand for the most part. If you're a parent then you might see where I'm going with this... this type of personality, some may call it a type A personality, can be a bit challenging as a stay at home mom with very young children. Wish someone would have warned me that my go go personality may not be a great fit for this job! While kids can be predictable and you often need to be able to see five steps ahead to prevent disasters, kids also mean being able to adapt because you never know what might happen next! They also mean learning how to let go, relax, go with the flow if you're a bit of a control freak.

I used to be AWFUL with adapting when things I had "perfectly" planned changed without notice, even when it wasn't anyone's fault and the end result wasn't that big of a deal. Since I'm a planner and multitasker I tend to be juggling A LOT of balls at once. If you're like this too then you know what happens when one falls, the whole world comes crashing down, yup, the whole entire world. That's what it used to seem like anyway. I did a lot of work on trying to be able to adapt more easily without it feeling like life would just end if one piece of my puzzle was out of place. I came a long way before having kids, good thing too!

Sometimes I forget though, and sometimes I start to feel that anxiety creep up when I see my master plans starting to spiral. Master plan spiraling for a mommy to a toddler tends to go something like this... I convince Rylie to take her pj's off, get her dressed, shoes on, I go to get the baby gates rearranged to block my psycho dog from certain areas of the house, and put the baby's coat on just in time to make it to wherever we need to be on time, only to find Rylie with her pants off, shoes and socks off, demanding something or another.  I often yell at this point. Yelling doesn't help get a toddler to cooperate, sometimes it results in tears but with my toddler usually it results in laughing which just pisses me off more. I get her ready again, often through some sort of bribery and a lot of frustration on my part. I think my master plan is still going to work out, go to pick up the baby and smell something funky. I swear they plan their poops just to annoy me. We finally get out the door and I must look like a mad woman by now. This is why I don't go anywhere! This is why I try to schedule appointments during a very narrow time frame so we have enough time, preparing for all sorts of possibilities like a bad night sleep, which means they might sleep in, and the last thing I want to do is wake Rylie early after a sleepless night! A whiney and demanding 2 year old on no sleep is even worse than a non cooperating one when you need to be somewhere. Of course, planning appointments for my "perfect" narrow window of what I perceive to be, the path of least distress for getting out the door, is not always possible. So, lately I have found myself avoiding making appointments when I am usually on top of my preventative health care, but that's besides the point. This was just a tangent of why I forget how far I've come in my "go with the flow" self growth work I've done over the years.

My point is that I had a proud moment this week in remembering how far I have come in my ability to adapt. Our day was going beautifully. My typical schedule was flawless, which always makes me happy and more as ease. More at ease = nice and mellow mommy, by the way. Basically, I was juggling all those balls like a pro and felt like it. An image of an ape in the forest pounding on his puffed out chest comes to mind. Yes, I felt like queen of the mommy's because my master plan was unfolding smoothly and it was nearly nap time, not because I did something extra awesome like get my daughter potty trained. It's the little things, really. (No she's not trained yet) Then... Crash. Literally.

The baby had eaten lunch before Rylie, this isn't usual but like I said, I'm much better at adapting than I used to be. Anyway, I was bringing in Rylie's food while juggling my freshly reheated coffee, because who has time to finish it when it's hot the first time? Caleb was reaching up on the dining room table and had his little fingers on the place mat which had my full cup of water and his open cup of milk, because the only way I could get him to drink his milk was in an open cup with a straw. With my hands full, I leaped through the air to stop what was sure to be the end of my perfectly planned day. Okay, I didn't exactly leap, but I moved really fast... not fast enough as my cup of water came crashing down, I did save the milk though. Saving the milk meant some of my coffee poured into one of the sections on Rylie's plate. My initial thought was, shit, now what the hell am I going to do, her lunch is ruined, this is awful, what a mess, dammit, my day sucks, everything sucks! BUT, I stopped myself, set everything down, halted Rylie from running through the massive puddle in the dining room, moved the baby out of the puddle, grabbed her pizza out of the coffee, dried it off, wiped out the plate, put the pizza back and gave it to her. 5 second rule, right? Same difference, close enough, she didn't say anything so I guess it tasted fine. I grabbed a towel from the bathroom that needed washed anyway and cleaned up the puddle, thinking, hmmm, maybe I can get away with not mopping this week. Now that is going with the flow! As I cleaned everything up, including changing Caleb's wet pants, I thought, man, this writing must really be helping, normally I would have lost it and over what, some spilled water? Okay, when I went into the kitchen to grab a paper towel to clean the coffee off of Rylie's pizza I did say "dammit", a bit loudly and a bit frustrated but that was it! Progress. Not to mention, both kids actually listened to me during my frantic but emotionally calm execution of my impromptu action plan.

So, I figure if I can make progress on being able to calmly deal with situations that there is no need to get worked up over and I can just pick up all those balls and start my juggling act again and remain a nice mommy all at the same time, then eventually I will be able to deal with Craig's relapses a bit more calmly as well. Eventually I'll be a better support rather than well, mean and unforgiving. Like the water crashing down on a smooth sailing day, I can't plan for what day or night I may be crushed by a lie or a bottle of vodka. One thing is for sure, no matter how much of a planner I am, no matter how good I am at my juggling act, no matter how well I can multitask, be efficient or see five steps ahead so I can react in advance of looming chaos, I can not control things that are out of my control. I can adapt and learn not to overreact though. Good thing I have these little ones to help me practice my adapting skills everyday!