Wipe Away Anger

Our monster pine tree out back
stained with sap at the bottom

I had a rough night. I've had a lot of rough nights lately, and days too, mostly as a result of the rough nights....sort of works out that way for me most of the time. I've been making more of an effort though to try some of these things I am reading from my Al Anon online group, despite still not feeling Al Anon, or more a 12 step program in general, is for me. So, instead of staying angry and being mean mommy, I decided to take the kids to a new park, which is near my preferred coffee shop. It's preferred due to the lack of a better alternative but I stopped on the way for an iced latte because we all know I can't survive without my coffee and the Keurig just wasn't going to cut it today. Actually, I abandoned my poor Keurig all week.

I struggled a bit with my anger early on this morning after being left to fend for myself with two screaming kids all night, after a week of no sleep, or maybe more. I lost track of how long the plague of bedtime mayhem has engulfed our house. So, mean mommy and angry thoughts towards Craig prevailed for a short while, as my eyes burned with exhaustion from the back and forth between my bed, to Rylie's, to the baby with me in my bed, to the rocker in the baby's room, to my bed, to Rylie's.... all damn night, back and forth, because I was left hanging to do the parenting thing on my own...again. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen all that often anymore but I have this problem with forgiving and forgetting. So, when it does happen, I tend to compile all the other times no matter how long ago they were. It's not fair, I know this. I also know my difficulty with forgiving and forgetting, letting things go, moving on, whatever you want to call it, is definitely one of my least desirable qualities. I'm a work in progress and progress not perfection, right?

But these kids just have a way of making me smile and melting that anger away that engulfs my heart after such nights. Sometimes I fight those sweet little smiles and heart melting giggles and the excitement of Rylie peeing on the potty, because I feel like the appropriate way to feel towards Craig's drinking is angry. When I try to rationalize that though I find it to be pretty silly. Who the heck wants to feel angry, ever, even if I have a right to be?

I get stuck here a lot with Al Anon, I have a right to be angry with Craig, why are they trying to take that away?! As a trained therapist I fully understand how disastrous such "distorted" thinking can be to not only my sanity but my physical health as well. Also as I trained therapist I tend to read some of these things the group discusses and want to yell at my computer from all the cognitive behavior verbiage being spewed. Then I think, why am I so angry at these same cognitive behavior tools that helped save me from my own addiction 18 years ago?

I suffered from bulimarexia when I was16. After about a year, I was hospitalized for two weeks, prior to my senior year, and was introduced to a 12 step program for the first time.  I struggled with "buying into" the whole 12 step thing then too. The cognitive behavior therapy was a blessing but the 12 steps, not so much. I remember sitting in the group therapy sessions feeling very uncomfortable with the whole higher power talk. I wasn't raised with religion but was always told to "believe in God" and I can choose my religion when I'm older. So, I believed in God, but really didn't know what that meant and felt uneasy talking about it. To add to this uncomfortable feeling was always knowing I was Jewish and would choose to practice, someday. Yet, I was in a Christian affiliated hospital so I immediately assumed higher power meant God and thus, God meant Jesus, and that just wasn't working for me. Since I was 17 at this point, and there was only one other teenager there with me, and everyone was Christian, as usual my anxiety prevailed over the whole God thing, particularly after being offered to be baptized. I don't recall how the whole baptism came to be though I have always been so proud of my vulnerable teenage self for having the strength to say "no thank you" and everyone was kind enough to accept this and move on.

Considering a counselor education is half about providing us with an uncanny ability to be introspective and really evaluate what triggers our own emotions, to dig deep to get to the route of what's going with us so we can remain detached from our clients problems and well, be able to emotionally survive in our field, I am able to realize my reluctance to really dive into Al Anon stems from my own 12 step experience. And my continued uneasy feeling with the whole higher power talk, despite having a very clear sense of who I am as  a Jew now. AND that my counseling training makes me cringe at some of the words Al Anon uses to describe what and how I am thinking. If I was providing counseling I would never consider using some of the words I see daily from my Al Anon group because I find them very non-therapeutic. With that, I also realize it is all in the semantics and the actual program can be and has been life saving for thousands. I simply don't think it's for everyone and the slogan, it works if you work it, doesn't mean it'll work for me, even if I let go of my preconceived notions and give the step work a shot.

I also made a very conscious decision to never be a drug and alcohol counselor because of my standoffish feeling towards a 12 step program. That, and I just do not understand how a person can't stop. Especially when they have everything to live for. I obviously get that alcoholism is a disease, one that encompasses the addicts thoughts day and night, that they would do anything to get their hands on their next fix, that they are constantly preoccupied with hiding their addiction and their next lie. I get it because I was there. The ways I came up with to hide how little I was eating and the purging and the lies I told to accomplish this... I think I finally realized I needed help more because I couldn't keep up with all the lies anymore, that was the most exhausting part. And it's not like I sought the help, I was confronted and simply was too tired to lie anymore. I never went back to my bulimarexia behaviors and though the thoughts took a little longer to overcome, I did it without using a 12 step program. I know, first hand, there are other ways that work and I guess that's what I need, another way to overcome this disease of alcoholism that is breaking me down. It's not my addiction this time, but the preoccupation and trying to prepare for the next drink is just as damaging, if not more.

Now, the take what you want and leave the rest slogan does hit home because I have taken a handful of things from this group that has helped, no doubt about that. Like today, I decided not to be angry and to stop being mean mommy just because I was so damn angry and to do something fun with the kids. It's another nice day and they deserve to enjoy it... and so do I. Though I still struggle with some logistics, such as how do I go to a face to a face meeting and get what I can out of them or go to therapy, because I think that would be more beneficial for my personality, when I don't feel comfortable leaving the kids. Too many times I would come home from yoga feeling rejuvenated or getting a release from the stress of it all in some other way only to walk into a the exact thing I needed to get away from. I finally started asking for help, stopped hiding and opening up, obviously since I wrote Truth and the whole world is welcome to read that!  I don't isolate, as much, yet I still have the wife of an alcoholic thinking. And I still don't like how I react and I really don't like how my reactions impact all my other relationships too.

Today, upon leaving the park I ran into another mom from Rylie's gymnastics class walking her dog. It's the one mom I really like, who's name I now know! We tend to just know the kids names in her gymnastics class despite all talking to one another. I realized yesterday after her class I wanted to get this mom's number so the kids could hang out and I think she and I would get along well. We have been here for over 6 months and I've only met one person and she lives across the street! Maybe I'm not doing so well with that isolation part. Either way, this mom seems laid back, she takes things in stride, and I like to seek out nice, calm, laid back friends because I tend to soak in the energy of others like I'm sunbathing at the beach. This can be a curse and a blessing which is why I learned to seek out such individuals because I have enough drama in my life. This is also why I love a good yoga class. The positive energy from a good yoga class can last for days, if I allow it to. Anyway, it's funny I ran into her today because after we left yesterday I was annoyed at myself for not making a mommy date. I thought about it a lot last night as I tried to evaluate why I am so hesitant with forming new friendships. I'm really bad at the mommy date thing. In fact, almost every mom I ever met and spent time with, with or without the kids, I met from someone else's initiative rather than my own.

And yet again, I managed to walk away without a date. I suck. I also know why. It's my alcoholic wife mentality. I think, even while I'm talking to new people, if we become friends they will eventually find out I'm a mess. It's too exhausting to hide it for long. It's embarrassing, my life, at times. What if Craig is drinking when they are over, what if we get together and they offer him a beer, how do I explain this or that if this or that happens? I start to freak out over all the what if's and by the time I'm done being anxious over more people in my life knowing what a wreck our life can be sometimes, the conversation is over and I'm back to square one, alone with my kids, and facebook.

Maybe I'm not doing so well with the hiding part either. I just don't want people to judge is all. I have enough people who judge what I should be doing or not doing as far as leaving or staying and I can't handle more judgement. I don't think this mom would judge though. But I also don't want the topic of our disease to even come up because I hate putting this burden on anyone else. My friends worry about us and they have enough to worry about. They don't know what to say, most have simply distanced themselves. Sure, everyone has their own lives and that's part of it, but I would distance myself too, no one needs this added drama in their lives. I don't blame them. I'm certainly in part to blame for this distancing. It's easier because I hate being miserable every time I talk to people. I hate being angry or upset at every holiday and birthday. I used to think Craig drank at all these occasions so everyone would think I was just a b*%*h or miserable individual for no reason, in effort to hide that his drinking was a problem. Addicts are master manipulators so I wouldn't doubt this was in part true. Regardless, I hate taking it out on my mom or the kids or myself.

Boy, I have a lot of work to do. One Day At A Time.

I am less angry. I do hide less, I do isolate less. I have let go, a bit, of accepting the things I can't control. I worry a bit less. My days are no longer preoccupied by anguish over whether or not Craig will drink or be drunk that night and if I'll have to go it alone. I don't search his bag or coat or the cabinets and anywhere else I can think of because I just don't care. It won't stop it or change it. I've managed on my own plenty of times before, I survive every time, and I'll survive the next time too. So, I have grown and become stronger even if I don't feel like it some days.

I do need to stop being afraid of all the what if's though. And I need to enjoy each day with my kids, as much as I can, because we all know it's not possible to enjoy every minute of every day with a one and two year old, especially on very little sleep. Just. Not. Possible. All I can do is make it a point to enjoy the good times and not let the anger seep all day and night like the sap on my pine tree out back. That sap has left a stain on that lovely tree's solid, strong trunk, just like my anger will do if I don't wipe it clean every time it seeps though, or in my case gushes out. It will stick and once stuck, it's very difficult to wipe it all away.

And I need to make a mommy date. Pronto.

enjoying TODAY